cowpe

2

Wee Free Funk*

Nae laird! Nae master!
We will nae be
Fooled agin!
This wan, fur them Keldas
Them Zeldas
Deid bonnie lasses
Fightin’, bitin’
Geein’ it yaldi in big toun
Got blootered wit Daft Wullie
Gon’ wallap meself, cowp meself doon

Ach, crivens! (Wha hae!)
Kicked the police in the baws, aye
Ach, crivens! (Wha hae!)
If ye bring a lawyer, we say “Nae!”
Ach, crivens! (Wha hae!)
Shoot oour name, ye ken us well, aye?
Ach, crivens! (Wha hae!)
Oi, wee Hags? ‘Boot that Scumble…
Bring it naow!

Coo-beasties will get snaffled (Moo!)
Coo-beasties will get snaffled (Moo!)
Coo-beasties will get snaffled (Moo!)
An’ Wee Free Men gon’ leave ya baffled
An’ Wee Free Men gon’ leave ya baffled
An’ Wee Free Men gon’ leave ya baffled
T'ursday nite, and we’re t'irsty, aye?
Nac Mac Feegle, wha hae! (Crivens!)
Nac Mac Feegle, wha hae!
Nac Mac Feegle, wha hae!
Nac Mac Feegle, wha hae!
Nac Mac Feegle, wha hae!
Nac Mac Feegle, wha hae!
Oi, oi, oi, oh!

Hawd
Wait a minnit
Fill me cup, put some Scumble in it

Ooh, ye can gie us a tad bigger nip than tha’, cannae ye?
Mebbe half a pint more, and then anudder pint, tae keep chummy wit it?
Roit then, jess leave the bottle, wyedon'tcher

(At this point, the entire song-and-dance routine devolves into a drunken brawl, or rather: an even more drunken and violent brawl than it started out as. Incidentally, you may wish to peruse one of the many lists of Scottish slang and jargon available online whilst reading these lyrics. You can learn all manner of fascinating new words and phrases, and deeper meanings of ones you already knew. For example, did you know that “Zelda” means “warrior woman”?)

It’s common knowledge that Mustrum Ridcully wears a wide-brimmed pointy wizard’s hat that contains “a tailored roll of oiled silk and four telescoping legs, which when extended produce a compact and serviceable tent, as well as having drawers in it, and little pockets, a spirit stove, three days’ worth of iron rations and a small bottle of potent alcohol in the tip”.

As you might be able to see from the drawing above, I imagine that Ponder Stibbons would probably settle for a pointy hat with a large pocket in front, complete with the traditional nerdy pocket protector and assortment of useful pens, whereas Adrian 'Big Mad Drongo’ Turnipseed and his fellow student wizards would probably come up with something similar to the Pyrus cap (so they could wear it back to front):


*No relation to Funkfreed, although they probably sound quite similar when they go “doh do-doh”.