the heart rate of a bagel: a ryden fic written by perksofbeingaweeaboo

Ryan was sitting alone in his moat thinking about gay things and cats when Brendon fell from the sky.

“SUP FAGGOT” he screamed, landing perfectly on the ground with his roller blades. “how’s the music career going? Oh yeah nonexistent.”

Brendon laughed to himself until he snorted, reminding ryan coldly of his cocaine days. He was fully recovered now and the only thing he snorted was dry brownie mix.

“What are u doing here, brendon boyd urie???”

Brendon scoffed (rudely) and sat down beside ryan. It was a good thing that it hadn’t rained in a while, or else they’d be drenched in the moat.Well, ryan does like being drenched (xD). “I came to see you, loser. I wanna say that im sorry for marrying that girl.”

“OH.” Ryan muttered bitterly. “youre here to talk about her.”

“do u not like sarah urie?”

“why are you saying sarah urie?”

Brendon smirked with his large soup-cooler, black girl lips. “because I know it boils your tea. In a bad way.”

Ryan began to think about tea and then he began to think about harry Tomlinson by English extension.

“what r u thinking about bby?”

He rolled his eyes. “I told you to call me bae, you undignified cowhouse.”

“youre thinking about harry malik aren’t you.”

“but how did you know?”

Brendon grinned again. “your face lights up like whenever you pull fresh cookies out of the oven or pet dogs-”

“oh bae ur so sweet and observant”

“-or when you do crack cocaine.”

Ryan didn’t like talking about drugs with brendon. He knew that it was a struggle for him, yet he still mentioned it constantly. Just like he still mentions ryan’s little obsession with the spice girls and llamas (no connection between the two obsessions, yet ryan would’ve swallowed an entrie rhubarb pie to see ginger spice on a llama) when he was sixteen.

“ok listen i don’t do drugs anymore.”

“youre clean?” brendon asked suddenly, chewing a bagel randomly.

“well no I haven’t showered in a while actually. I saw a spider near the bottle of shampoo and im too scared to go near it ok.”

Brendon looked at ryan with a face that screamed concern and judegement. The same face he made at sarah when she agreed to marry him. “maybe u should shower, ryro.”

“uhhhhhHHH it’s pree obvious that youre just saying that to get me naked in the shower with you, brendon. U know that im not somehomewrecker, ok, I’m a classy boy get outta here.”

“wowee, ry, you’re not rlly accepting this whole separation thing well, are you?”

Ryan thought about the end of their relationship, full of pain and misery. It involved a lot of cinnamon toast crunch and Gilmore girls reruns, but he inevitably got through it. Dan (his lil giant) kept trying to get him to feel better, but he mostly just made him worse. Ryan was short and tbh dan and his collassol height just terrified him a lot.

“Brenny, I need u to leave, ok. You just bring back really bad memories and u smell like homo bagels.”

Brenny left, crying with fear, and ryan sat in his moat the rest of the week, thinking about cats. The next day, there was a single gallon of milk awaiting on his doorstep. To be continued.