cowboots

My Ranch Lovin’ Ass

So here’s a little story. The other day I ordered McDonald’s from UberEats. They pretty much got everything right except instead of getting me my damn ranch, they brought my ass 6 bbq packets. Like, hoe, do you really think ranch and bbq are the same thing? 

Anyway, I was like pissed about it. Walking around the damn house, muttering shit under my breath like, “fuck this bullshit. how dare they bring me bbq sauce. do i look like a damn cowboot struttin, fringe jacket wearing mother fucker? nah. nah i fucking don’t. I look like a white bitch who is obsessed with her damn ranch. who the fuck do they think they are?”

Well my cousins are staring at me, just letting me fume and shit. they already know that they can’t get me off of my damn tangents. they lived with my adhd ass for way too damn long.

So these assholes are just letting me go off, y’know? they ain’t bothering my ass, but then my cousin’s girlfriend walks in. Now, let me tell you a lil’ bit about this girl. She’s a fucking doll, k? If she wasn’t dating my cousin, she’d probably be dating me. Actually, probably not ‘cause she’s a fucking 10 and I look like a block of frozen mayonnaise on my good days, but that’s not the point. This girl is fucking gorgeous, but she don’t understand shit.

There’s this shit called “book smarts”, k? That’s what she gots. Then, there’s this thing called “street smarts” aka a nice way of saying “a dumbass who picks up on random, useless social cues”. I got street smarts. 

‘cept my ass is white af, so my street smarts are just super dumbass points that no one gives af. 

So anyway my cousin’s girlfriend tells me that we got ranch containers in the kitchen.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HAPPY MY MAYO EATING ASS GOT WHEN IT HEARD THAT SHIT? I DIDN’T HAVE TO EAT MY CHICKEN SAUCELESS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING HEATHEN!

So I followed her to the damn fridge. I was on her heels, man. She pulled out a packet, and I’m done ready to get my ass on one knee and profess my undying love for her. I already named our damn children at that point. 

But this mothafucker pulls out a packet from MOTHERFUCKIN JACK IN THE BOX! WHAT THE FUCK! DOES THIS GIRL NOT UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN NOT, UNDER ANY DAMN CIRCUMSTANCE, MIX DIFFERENT BRANDS OF RANCH? 

MCDONALD’S CHICKEN NUGGETS DON’T WORK WITH JACK IN THE BOX RANCH. JACK IN THE BOX CHICKEN DOESN’T WORK WITH FUCKING BURGER KING RANCH. BURGER KING CHICKEN IS A FUCKING DISGRACE AND DOESN’T WORK WITH SHIT!

I died right there. I died. My mayo ass sent itself the fuck up to Heaven. I’m haunting their asses now. Gon’ fuck with their ranch dressing like they fucked with my heart.

fucking assholes. don’t fuck with my ranch.