courtney atlas

God Enters Rehab Center in California, Cites ‘Mental Exhaustion’

By Courtney Atlas

In what has become a string of celebrity rehab check-ins, God was seen entering Promises Rehabilitation Center in Malibu, CA on Sunday for what his camp is calling “mental exhaustion”.

But what exactly is behind His mental breakdown?

“2012 has been a trying year for our office,” says St. Peter, who is serving as God’s publicist at this time. “It all started last Christmas; Jesus bought The Father a Hulu Plus subscription as a gift,” says Peter. “The Almighty watched one episode of The Jersey Shore and couldn’t believe He was watching His own creations. He was devastated by how quickly humanity as a whole had regressed in such a short amount of time.”

Things got progressively worse, according to Peter. “Honestly, we were sure that all of the defective creations were weeded out during the Biblical flood; but now we’re discovering species such as Lady Gaga, the entire Kardashian tribe, and the band known as LMFAO. It really hit hard once He found out that The Shore was renewed for a sixth season. That’s around the time He turned to alcohol to cope. The pressure just became too much,” notes Peter.

Other sources close to God note the sudden disinterest in the people around Him. “We knew things were getting bad when He betrayed his best friend, Tim [Tebow],” says an insider. “God’s camp signed a contract with Tebow stating that The Almighty would protect him from the New York Jets, but God accidentally overslept the morning of the trade after a night of heavy partying.”

“The drinking just got worse after that,” notes another onlooker. “Once Whitney Houston got here, the drugs started happening too.”

God’s friends and family tried reaching out to him once. “After developing a fondness for A&E’s Intervention, Jesus and several disciples attempted an intervention of their own,” says Peter. “God was infuriated at their outreach. He was drunk and let his temper get away from Him; some may recognize this outburst as the infamous ‘Trailer Park Tornadoes’,” Peter notes. “It’s really just tragic the way he’s handling these hardships. He’s heading down the wrong path.”

Peter says God checked into Promises on Easter morning and plans on staying for six weeks.

“We’re treading lightly around Him,” says Peter. “He’s just going through an emotional rough patch. He doesn’t know about Snooki producing offspring, and we don’t think it’s a good time to tell Him. Only good news for the time being. Our team has been working furiously to keep Him from hearing about Courtney Stodden’s recent claim to be a ‘devout Christian’, and Stodden’s attorneys have been notified of the potential lawsuit coming.”

Only close friends are allowed to see God while He remains in rehab. “Myself, Jesus, all the members of U2, and Tim [Tebow] are allowed in for visiting hours. That’s it,” says Peter.

We wish God a speedy recovery. Godspeed, indeed.

Mattel Launching Real Housewives Barbie Collection

By Courtney Atlas

Mattel, Inc. Introduces Exciting New Barbie Collection.

“We strive to ensure that the Barbie Collection is a positive influence on the young girls of today,” said Art Finchum, creative director at Mattel. “And in 2012, that means making sure we break through any glass ceilings regarding female roles in society. We want girls to understand that women aren’t confined to only a few options anymore; this means pushing our Barbie Collection past traditional roles like child bearer, secretary, veterinarian, lawyer, astronaut, doctor, pilot, or professional athlete. We truly want the sky to be the limit, which is why we’re extremely proud to introduce the Real Housewives Barbie Collection.”

The Real Housewives Collection comes after a two-year struggle to get approved by Mattel’s board of directors.

“Frankly, most of the board meetings ended in tears and overturned tables. We were just all so passionate about making sure we did the idea justice,” says Finchum.

Currently, Mattel plans on offering two dolls in the Real Housewives Collection: Melody Manhattan, the brunette doll, comes wearing a velour track suit in Franzia Fuschia™. Melody is a real estate agent currently on sabbatical. Cynthia Cincinnati, a blonde version of the Real Housewife, sports her velour track suit in Neurotic Nectarine™. Cynthia is now a successful personal shopper after experiencing several setbacks in her former career as a model. “We want to make sure girls understand that even if their looks fade or their waistlines thicken, there is still a place for them in society. Jessica Simpson has done exceptionally well in this regard,” notes Finchum.  

Additional accessories include Melody Manhattan’s Lexus SUV, stocked with old real estate posters and several self-help books on tape. “Inside the box, there are digital download codes for the self-help books,” adds Finchum. The Cynthia Cincinnati doll comes with her beloved dog, a Yorkie named Princess Alabaster, whom is the inspiration for Cynthia’s newest endeavor: a specialty line of organic canine nail polishes. Mattel plans on offering the nail polish line for Princess Alabaster sometime next year. Also, Barbie-sized tanning beds and treadmills are set to be introduced to the collection in late 2012.

As for a Ken doll being introduced into the Real Housewives Collection? “That’s not in the immediate future,” says Finchum. “It’s important for girls to understand that being a Real Housewife means having the freedom to choose whether or not they want to acknowledge their husband’s existence. The same applies for their children.”

And for the girls who want their Melody Manhattan or Cynthia Cincinnati doll to have a husband? “Well,” says Finchum, “he’s away on business. But we plan on offering Barbie-sized divorce papers with the accessory set also, just in case there are irreconcilable differences.”