couple and dog

“Hey, Barold?” 

“Yes, dear?”

“Are you dead?”

Barry’s head pokes into the dining room table, the Neverwinter Times folded into his hands. He looks down at himself, pokes his own nose. “I don’t think so? I don’t look dead.”

Lup looks him up and down, then says, “Yep, you really don’t.”

“Why?”

In response, Lup takes the package she’s been holding, grabs it by the ends, and turns it on its head. Letters - bundled into packs bound with black ropes, spare ones scratched on torn napkins, envelopes-within-envelopes written in deep dark ink - spill all over the table.

“What are these?”

“Consolation letters,” Lup says, grinning. She plucks the first one off the table, slits it with a brightly-painted red nail, and begins to read. “‘Dear Lup Taaco, my cult and I would like to express our condolences for your loss.’ Aww, that’s so sweet, they’re cult-bonding.”

Barry narrows his eyes. “Is that a necromantic cult or a religious one?”

“Dunno.” She tosses it aside, picks up another one. “‘Dear IPRE, sorry for your loss. We hope Barry feels better soon. We know most people don’t feel better after being dead but he’s done it before.’”

Barry drifts forward, looking at the stack in apprehension and slight awe. He picks one up at random, skims it, and turns white. “Why do these people think I’m dead?”

“Don’t know, but there’s definitely a consensus, babe,” Lup says. “Aww, someone sent a bunch of dead flowers! I’ll pass them onto Merle.”

“Lup, no, this is weird. This - this is weird.”

“Yeah, for sure,” she says, leafing through the next letters. The mound grows intimidatingly the more Barry looks at it. “What did you do?”

“I - I don’t know.”

“Huh. Maybe someone started a dumb rumor. You never know the kinda shit floating around Faerun these days.”

True? Okay. Okay, no, this is just another mystery. Maybe there are clues in the truly preposterous number of letters sitting on the table. Carefully, Barry picks the first one up, a letter wrapped in a satin ribbon and addressed in dark ink so black it almost looks tar. He tears it open gently and sets the envelope aside, then begins to read.

Dear Miss Lup,

I’m really really sorry your husband is dead. I want you to know that my mom and my dad love him too and that if you ever need someone to talk to because death is a really really bad thing then you can send us a letter any time. I’d give you my mom’s frequency but I don’t know it.

Love,

Carnila

Below is an address. It’s from the far east, a remote village that Barry only knows because he passed through there while hunting for Lup a couple of years into his search.

He’s not freaking out so much as very, very confused. He’s certain he’s alive. Pulse beating in his throat and everything. So why does everyone think he’s dead?

He goes through a couple more without finding any clues. Most are of the same vein - sorry for your loss, hope you’re doing better. A couple recommend Lup some therapists in Neverwinter. Two cite him as his inspiration for practicing necromancy. He’s gonna need to pay those fans a personal visit. Probably with his scythe.

“Barry?” Lup says after a little while. She’s set the letters down and is now looking at him strangely.

He opens another one. This one’s written in blue ink. All the others have been black. Really goes to show what kind of person picked Barold J. Bluejeans, lich and necromancer-turned-reaper extraordinaire, as their favorite of the seven birds. “Yes, dear?”

“When you died, you picked up your bodies, right?”

Barry freezes. He thinks back to those ten years on his own, dying repeatedly. He’d had a process - he’d freak out, flicker a little bit, and pull himself together - with admirable speed and courage, of course. Then he’d grab his jeans (can’t leave those behind), a couple hairs, a bunch of blood (which wasn’t typically too hard to collect), the coin, some supplies, and take off for Wave Echo Cave.

He’d leave the body, though. He didn’t need it.

“Barold J. Bluejeans,” she snaps, setting down her letter with a thwack on the table. “Did you leave your corpses strewn all around this continent?”

“I only needed a little blood to make a new body!” he yelps. “I was a lich, it wasn’t like I could pick up my body and carry it with me!”

“You managed to keep the same clothes for ten years!”

“I’ve had these jeans for a hundred years, they’re precious to me!”

“That’s fair,” Lup says, grinning too widely to be angry. “So you’re telling me, these people stumbled across your dead body and thought it was you?”

“Probably,” he replies sheepishly. “I mean, in my defense, I didn’t think anyone would find it. I kinda fell off a mountain range.”

“And you didn’t go collect them when you got an actual body?” she asks, gesturing toward him.

“I was a little busy creating your body.”

Lup sighs, exasperated. She throws an envelope at him. It drifts unimpressively down to the table. “This is it, Barold. This is what you get when you don’t show up at press conferences ever. People start to think you’re literally dead.”

“I hate them,” he mumbles. “Too many spotlights and reporters and questions. I get all sweaty.”

“You’re one of the seven birds, babe. People want to know your story.”

“They already do, sweetheart.”

“Yeah, but they want to hear it from you.” She glances over her shoulder at the Taako Time™ calendar hanging on their wall and grins. “Babe, there’s one tomorrow and you’re going.”

“I don’t wanna,” he whines. “Lup, they…they suck. All the reporters and the microphones and the spotlights….”

“No arguments, dear,” Lup says, standing and crossing her arms over his head to rest her cheek on his hair. “Lucretia hates them too and she goes.”

“She was the Director of the Bureau of Balance, she’s good at that shit now,” Barry grumbles. “Besides, Davenport doesn’t have to answer questions.”

“Davenport’s at sea, babe. Getting to interview him is like finding a Shiny.”

Barry groans, tugs on a strand of Lup’s hair. It’s dyed red toward the ends. “If you loved me you wouldn’t make me go.”

“I love you,” Lup affirms, “so I’m making you go.”

“Can I at least - ”

“No, you can’t wear your tuxedo T-shirt. You have to wear the sweater vest I bought you.”

Barry slumps his head toward the table. Lup slides down his neck to rest her chin on his shoulder. “Cycle forty or sixty-eight,” he asks, words muffled by the table.

“Forty,” she decides. “I won’t make you do sequins.”

“Thank the Queen.” He straightens. There’s ink on his forehead. Lup laughs, then licks a thumb and wipes it away. “Gross.”

The letters flare in the corner of his vision. Sighing, Barry tugs Lup onto his lap. She sits with a laugh, gleeful and teasing, and reaches reaching for a letter of her own. Leaning her temple against his, she slices open another letter, and begins to read.

“Wow, babe,” she says after a couple minutes. “You’re really an inspiration for some up-and-coming dark magic babies.”

“I know,” he sighs. She chuckles and ruffles his hair affectionately. “I’m gonna have to go talk to them.”

Lup’s counterproposal is cut off by her Stone of Farspeech buzzing against her collarbone. She picks up without looking and says “Heyo, Blupjeans household, whaddya want?”

Barold J. Bluejeans!” screeches her brother’s voice through the receiver. Barry jumps. “You wanna explain to me why my dining table is fuckin’ swamped with condolence letters?!

Lup and Barry turn to stare at each other in horror. Then, right on cue, Barry’s Stone rings. He checks it. It’s Magnus’s signal. They stare at it.

“Oh Gods,” Lup groans, and picks up.

Barry? Barry, are you okay?” comes Magnus’s voice. There are a couple of dogs barking in the background, as there always are when Magnus calls. “I heard you were dead, I know it sucks, like, serious ass to be without a body, I wanted to check in, and also tell you that I’ve got a ticket for Neverwinter on hold if you need me down there - ” he says.

Lup and Barry exchange glances. Barry begins to laugh.

The funniest thing blizzard could do with junkertown is have it be like a totally bland relatively upscale suburban area and it’s just called “Junkertown” and literally the only people who are even slightly Mad Max are Junkrat (the Jesse Pinkman of the community) and his friends. Everyone’s like “hey you fucking junkrat I thought you said this was a wasteland” and he looks around at the McMansions and strip malls and like a friendly elderly couple walking their dog and is like “yeah mate it’s a real fuckin ruin, an absolute hole”

okay but like one day in the dog park the dog owners walking their dogs hear a voice yelling “GERTRUDE”. and everyone is like who the fuck would name their dog like that, and then this gigantic fucking german shepherd runs past and when they watch where the dog goes they see the big ass dog running towards this badass looking lesbian couple with a fuken squeaky toy in her mouth

I just want to live in a little stone cottage in the mountains that’s so overtaken with plants that it’s unrecognizable as a house until you get close to it and have a small little flock of sheep and some ducks and a couple of giant dogs to keep me warm and I’ll make natural medicinal remedies that I’ll take to town every so often with my big dogs following me so people are intimidated but also oddly comforted and eventually I’ll just become a local cryptid

anonymous asked:

Wait what is this story about colin baker in the woods, you can't just say that and leave us hanging

 oh god, okay… this is a fairly long story that colin baker relates in the dvd commentary for mark of the rani, i will be paraphrasing it but i’m pretty certain i remember all the major details because i was laughing SO hard the first time i heard it

first of all you have to know that mark of the rani was filmed on location in this particular village and the public woods surrounding it, and also that the weather was being rather inconsistent on this one day. it kept raining and then the rain would stop again, so every time the rain shifted, the whole filming crew would immediately jump up and run between two locations – for continuity reasons, because they were alternately filming one scene where it needed to be raining and one where it was sunny

so they’re doing this scene where the doctor is tied up and hanging from a pole like so:

it’s super uncomfortable to be actually hanging from a pole by one’s wrists and ankles for multiple takes of a scene, so the crew built some kind of contraption to make it easier on him… it was basically a metal frame-like thing that was hidden under his jacket and pants, supporting his back so that he wouldn’t actually be straining his wrists, i guess? at any rate, the downside of this was that this thing took a LONG time to set up, so it wasn’t possible to UNTIE him from the pole in between takes, so they just kind of. set him down on the ground. during the moments when they weren’t filming

anyways, in the middle of this situation with the intermittent weather, at some point it starts raining and the director calls for everyone to go to the other current filming location!! everyone is rushing about trying to get the cameras and props and people over there as quickly as possible (because you never know when the rain will change again) and in all of this hullaballoo they somehow manage to

forget colin baker on the ground

(actually he said that he sort of noticed them leaving him behind but was initially hesitant to say anything, thinking “surely i’m just missing something and they’ll come get me in a moment” and then by the time he fully realized he was left behind, they were too far out of earshot for him to say anything)

so he’s just like. well. i’ll just wait. and they’ll figure it out soon enough

he lies there tied to this pole for a good ten minutes or so until he hears someone coming down the path

but it is not the film crew, because these are PUBLIC WOODS they are filming in. it’s a random middle-aged couple walking their dog. and the dog comes running up to colin baker (who is a little ways off of the main path) and sniffing him and barking

and the couple just … look at him, tied to the pole on the ground… he said he could tell that they didn’t recognize him as being dr. who, so god knows what they thought about his COAT

he looks at them

there is a deeply awkward silence in which he doesn’t know what he could possibly say about the situation of him being TIED TO A POLE IN THE WOODS and they are clearly being TOO POLITE AND PROPER AND BRITISH-Y to bring it up

eventually one of them is like “nice weather today isn’t it” and he’s like “er yes quite” and they just keep going and leave him lying there on the ground tied to the pole

he just stays there for another twenty minutes or so until FINALLY he sees one of the camera crew running back to get him while yelling “COLIN OH MY GOD WE’RE SO SORRY”

…aaand that is the colin baker tied to a pole in the woods story, more or less as related by colin baker himself, aka my all time favorite thing that ever happened behind the scenes of doctor who!! ACTOR DVD COMMENTARIES ARE SO WORTH WATCHING, KIDS

The Domestic Garden Witch: Making Pets Happy

So maybe you’re a college witch with limited space and money, limited to the one window in your dorm. Or, maybe you’re a witch without extensive backyard space who wants to start up a magical garden. Perhaps you’re a kitchen witch who wants the freshest herbs right at her fingertips.

For many witches, having a garden seems to be a bit of a no-brainer. After all, plants and magic go hand-in-hand. Plus, when thinking of a witch, it’s hard not to think of a cottage in the woods with a little vegetable garden out front. Unfortunately for the majority of us, our cottage in the woods is a tiny flat, and our garden out front is a windowsill with limited space.

This is when it comes time to embrace your craftiness and bring your garden indoors! Not only does it place your garden in a convenient location, it also allows you to freshen the air, recycle what would otherwise harm the earth, and embrace your witchy green thumb!

Gardening for Your Familiar

This past weekend, I went to one of my coven sisters’ place to run a game of Dungeons and Dragons. This in itself isn’t that unusual - I usually play about a game a week, and every other week is held at her place. However, she is definitely a witch who spends plenty of time both in the garden and in the kitchen! A fellow animal lover, with three cats and a couple of dogs, it’s always enjoyable to visit. What surprised me, though was an addition to her home’s normal features: a little garden close to the ground meant for her cats!

Whether a college witch or a witch who’d been practicing for a long time, it’s fair to say that many of us - dare I say that perhaps most of us - have dogs, cats, or some other kind of pet. And while there are plenty of spells out there for familiars and pets, it’s rare that I see spells focusing on gardens for them. So of course, my sister’s garden is featured this week, because it is absolutely brilliant!

A simple project, done in the same way you would any container garden, consider growing plants that your furry friends can safely consume. Where the magic comes in is the intent with which you grow your plants and with which you pot them. The example above makes use of cat grass, catnip, mint (which the kitties love to rub up against), cilantro, and parsley.

But let’s take it a step further, as there are plenty of other animals out there!

Aquatic Gardens: Just like with terrestrial pets and plants, live plants can be added to an aquarium with care. Not only do they breathe new life into your fishes’ home, but they help oxygenate the water and depending on the species of plant and fish in the environment, could provide a food source. Sometimes the plant itself is the pet, as in the case of marimo moss balls!

Terrarium Gardens: In the past, I’ve mentioned bottled gardens and terrarium gardens. Whether reptile or amphibian, plants can help provide a more natural surface for climbing, can provide a food source for herbivorous friends, and - as before - help bring more life to the terrarium!

Formicarium Gardens?: Admittedly, not everyone has a colony of ants as a domestic pet. But as with any animal, ants require care and maintenance, and a proper formicarium usually has a larger area for foraging. Though the ants will be healthy with a steady supply of feeder insects and sugars, adding plants will not only make the “outworld” a more aesthetically pleasing environment, but a more diverse one for the colony as well. In addition, ants have been known to tend to plants, harvesting sap and nectars while also keeping the plant nourished and maintained. Take it a step further by adding pitcher plants - a plant that could easily be a pet itself - which not only help control the colony population, but also promote a mutual relationship with ants (the plant offers nectar to the ants from its inactive pitchers, and while it does “eat” ants, the ants will still take care of the pitcher for the sake of the nectar).

Bringing it Outside: Some of us count horses and other outdoor animals as pets. The same principle applies - set aside a box garden specifically to help nourish your friends and bring some joy to the stable. Similarly, if you don’t have any pets, you could set up a garden to encourage wildlife. It’s not uncommon to see beautiful flower gardens for hummingbirds, fruit trees and berry bushes to encourage wild birds to visit, and gardens set off to the side specifically for deer.

What This Brings to a Witch

Part of being a witch or of being pagan is nurturing a relationship with nature. There are many ways of doing this, from adopting an organic lifestyle to assisting in conservation efforts, to even learning how to forage and to recognize various plants. But it goes without saying that pets, plants, and animals can all do much to help us learn about our role in the world. They teach us how to be ourselves, how to live in the moment. Even the ants in a formicarium can teach us about how to naturally be efficient and productive.

This in itself is magical. It’s a natural spell that is meant to enliven the spirit and while it does do quite a bit to make the animals in our lives happy and healthy (even more so when planted and grown with intent), it also turns around and gives us the very same blessing.

Grow your garden, and tend to it and your animal friends with love, and they will teach you far more than you may realize!

May all your harvests be bountiful! )O( 

Beggin' For Thread (Bucky Barnes x Reader) Request! ❤

A/N: To the lovely anon that requested this brilliant idea!! I loved writing this because boxers in general are super comfy and look hell sexy, too. Especially on Bucky Barnes! :D Hope you guys like it!! ENJOY! - Delilah ❤

Beggin’ For Thread: Reader steals some of Bucky’s boxers during laundry day. But when he goes to her for comfort from a thunderstorm he gets a surprise.

 Warnings: Sex (M/F). Hurt/Comfort. Angst. 

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