count rugen

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“My mind said, Mandy, if you get that part, and you play that guy, and you get that six-fingered man, and you get him, that’s cancer, and if you get him, your dad will come back.” —Mandy Patinkin (Inigo Montoya) [x]

Hold It, Is This a Kissing Article?

On deck for quite a long time now is a color pie article about the characters from The Princess Bride. The film’s wit, action, humor, and drama has cemented it as a staple family film for decades. It goes without saying that today’s article will contain plenty of spoilers, so stop now if you haven’t seen the film and don’t want the burden of knowledge.

And if you have seen The Princess Bride, you probably don’t need me to introduce much up here. And you probably just want to read the talky-color-pie parts. And you probably want to skip all the kissing.

As you wish, reader.

Westley/The Dread Pirate Roberts

Westly is a humble farm boy who is deeply in love with the woman he works for, Buttercup. His devotion and loyalty make him the perfect servant, a fact that Buttercup gets frustrated with until she realizes his motives. They smooch and it’s all happy. Westley leaves to get enough money to marry Buttercup, because his life is all about her. This is some hardcore Red stuff right here.

Westley’s Red devotion to Buttercup is the driving force of the film. He ventures back from near death (twice!) to rescue her from a false marriage. Everything he does in the film is to end up living happily ever after with his one true love.

But that isn’t the totality of Westley’s character. His motives are certainly Red, but what about the means? This is where his Blue side shines.

You see, Westley is a master of deception. He takes on the persona of the Dread Pirate Roberts for years in order to return home, even maintaining that disguise in front of Buttercup until she pushes him down a hill. He outwits Vizzini, a noted smartypants, and creates a plan of disguise to storm Humperdinck’s castle. Even when his body is broken he feigns strength to intimidate Humperdinck himself. Westley is clever in the way that only Blue is, solidifying him as a Blue/Red protagonist.

Buttercup

Despite being the titular character of the film, Buttercup doesn’t actually do a whole lot. She loves Westley a bit before getting mopey upon hearing about his death (He’s not really dead.) Then she gets kidnapped, rescued, kidnapped again, and locked away in a castle to be wed to Prince Humperdinck. In that time she basically can’t stop talking about her love for Westley. She has her doubts, but is ultimately prepared to take her own life rather than marry another man.

Seem overly dramatic?

Yeah, Buttercup is mono-Red. Whether she’s peachy in love or wallowing in despair, she is a woman who wears her emotions on her sleeves, belt, shoes, and has a whole set of emotion-laden eveningwear in her closet.

Prince Humperdinck

Prince Humperdinck is the main antagonist of the story and a classic jerkface. Let’s make a list of all the terrible things he does in the film:

  • Kidnaps Buttercup in order to force her to marry him.
  • Plans to get his fiancé killed, blame it on another kingdom, and use the event to justify a war.
  • Has megalomaniacal aspirations to rule the world.
  • Kidnaps Buttercup in order to force her to marry him again.
  • Turns Westley over to a torture enthusiast.
  • Renders Westley mostly dead on a torture machine.
  • Still plans to kill his fiancé just so he can be king and boot his dad out of power.

You don’t need to know a whole lot about the color pie to recognize Humperdinck as a Black villain. The story isn’t even transparent about it (It doesn’t have to be. Part of the fun of The Princess Bride is how on-the-nose it gets with fantasy and romance tropes.) So boom, the evil Prince Humperdinck fulfils his destiny as a mono-Black evil doer.

Inigo Montoya

Inigo is out for revenge.

But not the “you hit me now I hit you back” kind of revenge. That’s more Black. Rather, Inigo is engaging in the, “I want my father back, you son of a bitch,” kind of revenge. That’s more Red.

We don’t learn a whole lot about Inigo during the story, just that he loved his father very much and has taken up the blade to avenge his death. He may be acting as a hired sword for now, but Inigo is always moving forward in his plan. Every job has him questioning new people about the mysterious six-fingered man that killed his father.

Equally Red is Inigo’s empathy for Westley. Despite their duel, Inigo wishes the lover well in his search for his true love. They become allies as the story progresses, and he becomes quite moved by Westley’s dedication to Buttercup.

Loving revenge and empathy? Inigo Montoya is a certified mono-Red character.

Fezzik

When we first meet Fezzik, he faces off against Westley in a match of brute strength. Fezzik is shown to be a strong brute, but he is ultimately outwitted and defeated by the much smaller man. This already nudges Fezzik towards being a Green character, but that hypothesis is confirmed as we learn more.

Despite this first meeting Fezzik is largely a gentle giant. His natural size and strength make him a good fighter, but otherwise he’s calm, honest, and generally wants to see people be happy. He keeps the good-guy team together when in dire straits. These are all traits befitting a Green character, and I think Fezzik is a great example of how well the color pie was aligned to existing ideas about characters and their motivations.

Vizzini

The final member of the motley crew of mercenaries is the astounding Vizzini. Where Inigo brandishes steel and Fezzik flexes flesh, Vizzini’s realm is the mind. Short, round, and bald, this is not an imposing man.

In order to defeat Vizzini, Westley must face him in a challenge of wits. Whoever drinks the poison chalice will die and lose. Which chalice could the poison be in? Vizzini will surely defeat puny Westley in this mind game!

(He doesn’t.)

Vizzini’s small stature and logical puzzles make him a fairly straightforward Blue character.

Count Tyrone Rugen, the Six-Fingered Man

Finally, there is Count Tyrone Rugen, and I bet most of you didn’t even know he had a name. He’s mostly referred to as “the six-fingered man,” as we hear Inago talk about him often.

So Rugen killed Inigo’s pop. We don’t know why, but we can infer that it’s because the Count is a downright horrible person. The guy has a torture chamber called the Pit of Despair where he’s built a machine that sucks the life out of someone. Yikes.

What colors does this fall under though? His sadistic streak points to Black or Red, but I think it’s a little bit of both. Rugen clearly enjoys his painful pursuits and is generally excited to experiment on Westley. Ty also expresses a great deal of power as Humperdinck’s right-hand man, which is more Black.

Underneath it all, however, he is quite methodical. He takes detailed notes of his victims’ reactions, carefully ramping up The Machine little by little. In a way he’s sort of a scientist, albeit a terribly unethical one.

I think each of these idiosyncrasies meld together to make the six-fingered man a Grixis character who revels in the systematic torture of others.

Andrew, Maybe You Could Come Over and Write More to Me Tomorrow

No. Thursday’s my day off, Fred Savage. Go back to bed.

I don’t think it’s very surprising that the bad guys in a fantasy story skew Black and the lovey-dovey heroes are Red. Like I said earlier, The Princess Bride likes to be cheekily on-the-nose about things, so this is kind of an easy film to read with regards to the color pie. But I hope that didn’t stop you folks from enjoying this article.

Until next time, planeswalkers, may your homes stay free of R.O.U.S.’s.

Princess Bride Recasted

WESTLEY:


Originally posted by thesarcasmcentral

Recasted as: RYAN GOSLING

BUTTERCUP:

Recasted as: DAISY RIDLEY

INIGO MONTOYA:

Recasted as: OSCAR ISAAC 

FEZZIK:

Recasted as: Shaquille O'Neal

VIZZINI:

Originally posted by tedywestside

Recasted as: CURTIS ARMSTRONG

PRINCE HUMPERDINCK:

Originally posted by peregrint

Recasted as: EDDIE REDMAYNE 

COUNT TYRONE RUGEN:

Recasted as: CILLIAN MURPHY

THE ALBINO:

Recasted as: SETH ROGEN

MIRACLE MAX & VALERIE:

Originally posted by tedywestside

Recasted as: JAKE JOHNSON & ILANA GLAZER

THE GRANDFATHER:

Recasted as: ROBERT DE NIRO

and finally, THE GRANDSON:

Recasted as: JACOB TREMBLAY

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The Princess Bride cast reunion by Art Streiber (Entertainment Weekly, 2011)

(L-R) Wallace Shawn (Vizzini), Billy Crystal (Miracle Max), Carol Kane (Valerie), Chris Sarandon (Prince Humperdinck), Cary Elwes (Westley), Robin Wright (Buttercup), Mandy Patinkin (Inigo Montoya), and Christopher Guest (Count Rugen). Also featured are framed pictures of Peter Falk (The Grandfather, the film’s narrator), who died in June 2011 and Andre the Giant, (Fezzik) who passed away in 1993.

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I 100% blame shanology for this one because during one game of CAH she just kind of mentioned how the princess bride could totally work as a stucky au and that thought would not leave me alone

so, why the hell not?

IMAGINE A PRINCESS BRIDE AU

• Marinette living on a farm in the country and falling in love with Adrien the farm boy
• Adrien going off to seek his fortune only to be killed by the infamous pirate Chat Noir and Mari being heartbroken
• CHLOÉ AS PRINCE(SS) HUMPERDINCK BECAUSE SHE’S GAY FOR LADYBUG
• Hawkmoth as Count Rugen of course being super sinister
• MIRACLE MAX AND VALERIE AS NINO AND ALYA ACTING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE
• “LIAR! LIAAAAAAR!”
• Mari and Adrien fighting their way through the fire swamp
• MARI PUSHING CHAT DOWN A HILL AND THEN PANICKING WHEN HE YELLS “ASSSSS YOUUUU WIIIIIIIISSSSHHH” AND FALLING AFTER HIM
• Not sure where Vizzini, Indigo and Fezzik fit into all this
• IMAGINE A PRINCESS BRIDE AU

Election 2016 meets The Princess Bride

* Trump = Vizzini. Sleazy, bad hair, and convinced that he’s smarter than everyone around him. Losing the election? Inconcievable!

* Hillary = Inigo. Willing to work with whoever will have her until she’s able to achieve her final goal of defeating the vast right-wing conspiracy.

* President of the USA = Dread Pirate Roberts. Westley/Obama holds the office now, but will soon ride off into the sunset and leave it to Hillary/Inigo. Meanwhile the previous holder is living like a king in Texas.

* The American people = Buttercup. Can’t believe her life is in the hands of all these jokers.

* Bernie = Miracle Max. Didn’t want to help Hillary/Inigo at first, but now tells us to have fun storming the castle.

* Tim Kaine = Fezzik. Looks more like a proper Dread Pirate Roberts to some people. ?Quiere alguien un cacahuete?

* Mike Pence = Count Rugen. As a more traditional conservative, he’s the kind of person who’s been Hillary/Inigo’s nemesis for years. Also supports child abuse.

* Putin = Humperdinck. Hired Trump/Vizzini to do a job for him.

* Gary Johnson = Priest (“Mawwwiage …”). Forgot to have them say “I do,” which was kind of an Aleppo moment.

* Jill Stein = Old woman (“Boooo! Booo!”).

* “Deplorables” = R.O.U.S.es. Some people don’t believe they exist.

* “Bad hombres” = Screeching eels. A handy threat to make you think you need Trump/Vizzini, but we gotta keep them on the other side of the Cliffs of Insanity.

* This whole election = A battle “to the pain.”

OH MY GOD LISTEN Y’ALL i can’t believe i haven’t made an Official Legit Post about this masterpiece of creation au but here i am ignoring my computer science homework adn GIVING U THIS BLESSING shoutout to @hansolosbutt for her ages-ago yelling w me and @sonseulsoleil for tellin me to make this post

B99/PRINCESS BRIDE AU

- amy santiago as the mysterious yet charming (wo)man in black

- jake peralta as the beautiful princess buttercup

- rosa diaz as the unbeatable latina swordsman inigo montoya

- terry as fezzik the gentle giant who loves rhymes

- miracle raymond and his witch (husband) kevin

- madeline wuntch as the evil humperdink

- the vulture as her slightly less evil right hand man count rugen

- jackie danger as vizzini

- charles boyle as the slightly-weird yet generally quite helpful albino who tends to westley’s wounds and feeds the animals in the zoo of death

- gina linetti as the crazy old woman who screams “FILTH AND GARBAGE” in buttercup’s dream

- seth dozerman as the captain of the guard dude i forget what his job was but u feel

- THE DREAD PONTIAC BANDIT

some quotes:

“terry loves rhymes”

“well, actually, he was originally a man named doug judy. and then when he retired, he passed it on to a guy named carl, and then when carl retired, he handed it over to this dude named dante thunderstone, and he decided to retire and hand it to me.”

“oh, well, partly-dead amy’s a bit of a pervert”

“and on that day, jake realized that when amy called him a butthead, what she really meant was, ‘i love you’”

(”and YOU can die too for all I care!” “BBBUUUUUUUUTTTTTTHHHEEEEEEEEEEAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd!”)

([to the tone and pitch of Loud Carl’s voice] “AMY MY SWEET LOVE WHAT HAVE I DONE”)

[hysteric, high-pitched jackie danger voice] “never go against the federal postal service when DEATH is on the line!”

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