could eat

4

An afternoon date~

and a bonus

how to make the best damn cake ever (if not the prettiest or healthiest):

  1. get a cake mix
  2. use milk instead of water
  3. +1 more egg than the directions say
  4. +½ stick (~55 grams) of butter more than the directions say
  5. bake for the minimum recommended time, add a couple more minutes if it’s not done. cake is done when you can stab it with a fork/knife and it comes out clean (no batter clinging to it)
  6. immediately after taking it out of the oven, poke lots of holes in the cake with a fork
  7. put icing on cake while it’s still hot so it soaks in
  8. you’re welcome
How to Have a Highly Successful Social Reputation When You Have Severe Anxiety to The Point of Agoraphobia:
  1. go to one in three events you are invited to, as long as you are given that invitation over a week in advance to prepare,
  2. tell people beforehand that you have to leave by a specific time due to Excuse (even ‘early morning tomorrow’ works if you inform them immediately upon receiving invitation), stick to this departure time at all costs, regardless of events,
  3. pretend to be Hannibal Lecter when you get there.
    1. you must at all times be amiable and charming so people don’t realize you are a serial killer
    2. you can hang out by the food and compliment it and ask questions about ingredients and stuff
    3. you can focus on making subtle cannibalism puns throughout the night (and yes this does help)
    4. you are interested in people, and learning about those people, because you have that whole ‘choosing victims’ thing going on and also have to think of an ironically beautiful way to kill them
    5. THEY CAN NEVER KNOW YOU ARE PRETENDING YOU’RE HANNIBAL LECTER, so you better use a cover story of being yourself when they ask questions. quickly deflect back to your target conversation partner.

i can’t stop thinking about how fucking ridiculous periods are like

we have an internal organ that squeezes out its own lining once a month and we just like

take a painkiller, stuff a wad of cotton up our vagina, and go on with our daily lives

is that badass or what

annawrites  asked:

i've enjoyed your prompt fills so much, thank you for sharing them!! if you feel like it: chef!andrew trying (and failing) to woo picky eater neil with fancy food? :)

The thing about growing up on the run is that you never really develop a palate.

You eat what’s there to be eaten, whatever you manage to stuff in your pockets while your mother distracts the cashier trying to haggle for cigarettes, as if it’s anywhere near possible to haggle in a 7/11.

You eat school lunches, bland chicken nuggets and congealed mac and cheese and unseasoned carrots with those little close to expired fruit cups with the peaches and cherries and simple syrup.

You drink gas station coffee—maybe it stunts your growth, but you drink it anyway—and fill old plastic water bottles from drinking fountains or public restroom sinks.

At least, that’s what Neil tries to explain to Matt one day, when Matt invites Neil to his favorite restaurant in his hometown. It just so happens that Matt’s hometown is New York City, and the chef at this place has a Michelin star, but Neil isn’t on the run anymore and his paycheck is hefty enough that he can afford it.

Keep reading

6

okay so this got out of hand but anyway

Kaldur manages to convince Roy for the first 5 months of their friendship that they dont eat fish out of respect for them. “In Atlantis, it is against common courtesy to eat sentient beings weaker than ourselves. If we wish to feast on those who breathe, we must beat them in a show of brawns.”

It isn’t until they forget that theyre supposed to be playing him and takes a huge bite out of his fish taco that he realizes that the warrior he thought was stoic and never humorous had been fucking with him that whole time.