cordjefferson

sadscully asked:

How do you deal with apathy and creative stagnation when depression is making your dreams lose their clarity and focus?

I’m going through that shit right now! My dear cordjefferson has spoken truth to this idea though. As professional writers, we/I can’t afford to not work just because we don’t feel like it though. It is my job to be creative. I don’t have another choice. It is my livelihood as much as someone else’s job might be food service or whatever — I have a job to do. I do it. I just work through it however painfully it goes. I write every single day even if it makes me want to die and cry. I edit every single day even if it upsets me. I have to. My dreams don’t ever lose focus. I know exactly what I want out of my life. The difficulty for me is the mundane stuff that is required to get there, the minor edits and the second and third and fourth drafts, and the endless emails. Being creative…isn’t the issue for me and has rarely ever been. It’s the stuff you have to do to make sure the creativity is as close as it can be to the idealized version of the idea that will never quite translate perfectly from my head. What I struggle with is allowing myself to fail and to acknowledge my work will never be as grandiose as I’d like it to be, it will never be as perfectly eloquent, it will never be finished and definitive in the ways that I fantasize. And that fear and hubris is paralyzing to me, every day! But I swallow it and still do it. I have a job to do. Writing is my job. I cannot afford to not do it. I make depression the subject if I have to. I just have to write. I have one job. I do it even when I don’t want to. Apathy is so far from a problem I encounter. I deal with the opposite.