copies

OH dear! SO.

Please keep in mind that this was yeeeears ago, actually quite awhile before I started working on the show. I was just a fan of MLP at the time.

And it actually starts with Kingdom Hearts. At the time, @kiaxet and I were doing a Let’s Play for KH2, and were recording it in my room at my parents’ place. This was our first LP, and was a fairly low-key, just for the fun of it kinda deal, especially since neither of us had really fancy recording equipment. So this one Saturday we got together and were gonna record for several hours, easy to do since I was the only one home that day. However, my really good friend who I’m going to call Kel here (she’s not on social media) also had the day off and wanted to drive up to spend time with us. She said she should arrive between 4 and 5.

And I’m all “Yeah sure you can come hang! We’re going to be recording the LP that day. So just come in the house, head on upstairs and join us whenever you get here.” Again, low-key LP where we had other friends walk in to join on occasion.

Now, keep in mind that I figured this would be fine to tell Kel, for a number of reasons. We both had our cell phones with us, and we pretty much always left our front door unlocked if at least one person was home. On top of that, the back patio door was also always left open for the dog. And all that aside, the dog we had at the time, Sophie, was a big ol’ pitbull/swiss mountain dog mix. She was 1) pretty territorial, and 2) had a BOOMING voice. Which meant if anyone approached the front door, she let the whole house know with a giant bellow of a howl. I figured with all that, Kel would have no issue getting in and we’d know when she did, too.

(Here, have a doofy picture of her) 

WELL. Four things apparently happened.

  1. Our cell phones were turned off so that they wouldn’t interfere with the microphone.
  2. The front door was, for reasons unknown, locked.
  3. So was the back patio door.
  4. Sophie apparently decided that day she was going to take a very long afternoon nap and not care about the front door at all.

So I’m sitting up on the top floor with Kiaxet merrily let’s-playing away, wondering when Kel was going to show up, when we finally took a break at 5 and I went downstairs to get snacks. And then I heard knocking.

Kel had actually arrived at 4, discovered all entrances into the house were locked, that we weren’t answering cell phones and she’d been knocking and ringing doorbells for an hour while waiting outside. I’d basically left my good friend locked outside of the house for an hour because I didn’t think to stop playing Kingdom Hearts for a bit.

And I’m just like HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP I AM THE WORST FRIEND IN EXISTENCE, I AM SO SORRY and spent all day apologizing because I am a scumbucket of a friend who locked someone outside and did not hear them knocking at all. So I was all “DUDE. I SUCK AND I’M SORRY. To make it up to you, please let me make you some original art. Absolutely anything at all you want to request, I’ll paint it and it’s yours for free.”

Kel was a total class act and accepted the offerpology. Since she was big into Star Trek and MLP was fairly new at the time, fresh and exciting and we both enjoyed it, she asked for a painting of Discord on a throne saying one of Q’s famous lines from a favorite ST:TNG episode. So, I broke out the watercolors and spent awhile painting this for her. Once done, I was ready to pass on the painting for her.

However, Kiaxet was planning to attend an upcoming Gallifrey, and knew that John de Lancie was going to be there doing autographs, so she offered to make my apology painting extra-special and get it signed by him. Kel agreed, so Kia brought that along for an autograph.

And apparently, John de Lancie really liked it?? Like, kept gushing about how much he loved the painting to Kia. Eventually asked for my phone number so he could request another, since the original still belonged to Kel. So one day a couple weeks later I’m doin’ my thing and I get a call from someone I don’t recognize, aaand yeah, it’s John de Lancie.

“Hey, I really liked that painting you made that I signed at Gallifrey! I’m doing signings at another con real soon and I wanted to have something I could pass out for autographs if people didn’t have something. Can I commission you to do another painting like that?”

And I’m all. “UHHHH. SURE THING DUDE”

SO. I DID. Another watercolor of Discord saying one of Q’s lines. Trying to make sure I spent as much time on that as I did the first, even if there was some slight variation! Since I was giving him the original to make copies of and he was going to pay me in cash, we agreed to meet up in person for the exchange.

Sooo we meet up at a nearby Johnny Rocket and we get some fries and milkshakes, do the commission payment, and get to chatting. And he’s all “So…I keep getting all these emails from guys who apparently really like ponies and the voice I did for that show? Can you please explain this “My Little Pony” fan thing to me?”

And I’m just sitting here with my oreo milkshake like

Ho boy here we go


So that’s how I ended up explaining the concept of Bronies to John de Lancie because I accidentally locked my friend out of the house.

I do feel bad for plants in general.
Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower.
But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.”
And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve.
And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.”
And so we start doing that.
And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.”
But, y'know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“
But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all.
We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, "I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.”
But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up.
You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.) 
Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species.
And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything.
Peppers are the best, though.
They completely got on the being eaten train.
BUT ONLY BIRDS
Peppers are like, "You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.”
And we were all about that.
“The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably.
“You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.

Falling in with the wrong crowd. A fear submitted by Emilija to Deep Dark Fears - thanks!

My new book “The Creeps” is available now from your local bookstore, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depository, iBooks, IndieBound, and wherever books are sold. You can find more information here.

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VMIN = Copy & Paste 

it’s 2022. Taylor releases an acoustic, self-written album called “Roses” along with a short description that says, “here you go, bitches.” The first track is called “Timeless,” and all of her re-recorded unreleased songs are in it. There are also songs called “Becky,” “Wonderfucked,” “Stop Asking Me to Follow You,” and “It’s Not TaylorNation.”  The last song is the 10 minute version of All Too Well, and the secret message says “are you fcking happy now?”