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sentparagraphsofnonsense  asked:

Sooo.... What's the time you stole your middle school all about? You did say to ask.

+_+ I’ve only been dropping hints for months for someone to ask

ok ok so first of all i need to clarify this is going to be exactly and nothing like and episode of leverage. where in i did not, in fact, go “i need to steal the middle school” but did go “i gotta do something against the authoritarian regime i refuse to bow down to in this hell pit of a society called private school.” but first let me tell you a little bit about my middle school. it was fuckn tiny. there were 15 middle schoolers max. and middle school consisted of 7th and 8th grade. the poor 6th graders were still considered elementary level at this school and managed to escape open warfare that year mostly unscathed. 

after my ice cream trade fiasco my parents sent me off to private school to avoid the bad influences. but i brought all the bad influences with me and honestly i think the next 5 years were hell on earth for my teachers. who mostly just let me get away with murder because tiny me was a terrifying monster who wasnt afraid of the consequences anymore and my mother was the devil and even more frightening than little me who might shank you with a paperclip. now i went to a montessori school which are good in theory and very rarely successful in execution. the entire theory is that the school mostly operates on “students learn at their own rate and need to be responsible enough to decide what and when they learn things.” and mostly i decided that i never wanted to learn anything ever and i wanted to spend the entirety of 7th grade reading books not on the reading list. which created conflict with my teachers who didnt know how to handle a smart kid that could talk circles around them to the point that when they came to my mother completely frazzled and out of their minds with dread they said things like “she’s so smart if she wasnt so stupid” and “i just want to shake some sense into her” which usually resulted in the devil peering down at them from her throne of hellfire and stealing their souls and damning them to hell on earth and the riot act and a general “just go to school and do what you want” blessing to me. which i, tiny hell spawn who just got my period for the first time that year and had a bone to pick with everyone, took entirely to heart.

now the middle school peerage was open combat from week one everyone hated one another and there was no escape when you’re all stuffed together in one room and the teachers prefer group projects to individual work. and i was queen bee last year in 6th grade ruling the roost of elementary and then all of the sudden they wanted me to be small man on the totem pole to the 8th graders??? that wasnt about to fly. id been running a long con scheme out of the snack bar for years and nothing could stop me at that point. so i was fighting everyone, and a few times literally fighting a classmate or two (did i get suspended even though i started at least one of those? i did not. did i get about two black eyes that year and a broken nose? yes i did.) this is all very important to my amazing episode of leverage which happened about half way through the year. 

my school was in a small developing community and the houses were being constructed at an alarmingly slow rate around the building and my class had a door to the outside. so one day when i got so sick of life and my teachers telling me, yet again, “no you cant read comics you need to learn the history of the us government” and the stupid fucking 8th graders egging the teachers on about how we all needed to learn these things, i got up and left. walked right out the door and down the access ramp and over to the playground. i got yelled at pretty good but i realized something very very important that day. I could leave. Nothing could stop me. sure i had to go back in eventually but that wasnt nearly as important as the fact i could walk out those doors and take off whenever i wanted. 

remember how i said a key point of the montessori education program was responsibility? well part of that responsibility was at lunch we self-monitored and the teachers usually pissed off to eat in the office away from the evil brats they had to teach. and like always, away they went at lunch and there we were all of us. eating without the careful adult eye lurking over our shoulders. and i dont remember why or what happened that day but i decided to use my new power of leaving (only used once so far, you can never be too careful with things like this) and said something along the lines of “bye guys I’m outa here” and probably one of my friends said something like “can i come with you?” and i definitely said something stupid like “yeah sure i cant stop you” and out we went. followed by the rest of the the 7th and 8th graders. 

and this i do remember happening very clearly: the one bitch ass shithead i had problems with all year goes “guys you cant leave we have class” and i absolutely responded with the ever mature “you a fucking chicken? lets go already” and under the pervasive power of dropping the f bomb and the infuriating questioning of her honor she also came along. and now that i wasnt by myself i finally gave into temptation that the very slow construction sites circling the school had been offering all year. so i took my class adventuring.

meanwhile, all of which we later found out, my rebellion sent everyone into a tailspin back at school because 15 students were missing. the cops got called and kept very hush hush because no one actually wanted to admit to a hoard of what would be angry parents that their children were missing. 

i of course set off to the largest house in the neighborhood and opened the unlocked door (unlocked because no one had installed the door handles yet) mostly because i heard a rumor that there was an indoor pool in the house and i wanted to see what kind of other bullshit a house with an indoor pool had. turned out it was mostly a lot of stairs and dust since it was, ya know, a construction site. the pool was very cool and we all mostly sat around the edge of a empty pool for a few hours before we all decided that going back to school so we could get picked up to go home was probably the most important thing to do. and of course before we left i swore everyone to secrecy about who left first since all of us went. and used the dirt i managed to compile on the fucking 8th grader who i hated to blackmail her into silence. and back we went ready to go home after a day of thievery for the greater good. 

and since none of us where talking when we got questioned about what happened, where did we go, who went first– none of us got in real trouble. the school got in trouble for losing 15 students of course. and the teachers all knew it was me generally because i couldnt help the smirk of satisfaction™ anytime we made eye contact. but they couldnt do anything about it. 

this also led to my fellow comrade and enemies alike realizing that the teachers couldnt really do shit to us since our parents mostly owned the place by way of a paycheck and that meant the spring semester devolved rapidly into hell once we all went back to the status quo of hating each other. 

at the end of the year my mother was politely told that i wasnt invited back for 8th grade. and off i went back to public school with my bad influences leaving behind a legacy of greatness no other 7th grader has ever lived up to. 


the time i fucked with the 5th graders

at my work there is the barn cat minky and let me tell u barn cat minky is the baddest badass of them all and no one else at my work seems to know???

 things i have personally witnessed barn cat minky do:

  • pounce a horse
  • jump eight feet straight up to sit on a post
  • somehow get to a ledge 20 feet in the air
  • pounce a different horse
  • beats up my dog (like its kinda mean but no one has lived until they see a cat run and full on body slam a dog)
  • mouse hunt like a boss
  • rat hunt like a goddamn hero
  • once let a small child pile rocks on her for 20 minutes and just kept purring?
  • once let another small child pile dirt on her
  • talks
  • so much talking
  • so much that i tell small children to go ask barn cat minky how her day is
  • and 
  • she 
  • always 
  • meows
  • back
  • also one time i watched her literally try and kill a horse with her 8 lbs of barn catness and it was the most amazing thing i have ever witnessed any cat do

anonymous asked:

How many fucking times were you kicked out of class in hs that you want to make an entire post??? Also how????????

welllllllllll tbh i wasnt actually expecting anyone to read those tags but uh i see you missed this, this, and this so uhm it should surprise exactly no one i got kicked out of class a lot at any point in my life…. anyway sure i can run through a brief list of reasons why i got kicked out of class in high school

  1. talked my econ teacher into a trap where he, an ultra right wing republican, had to admit that it would be better for everyone if minimum wage was raised and taxes were increased on the rich and that basic necessities like fucking healthcare should be a right. this was after he spent two hours lecturing us on how people taking handouts was ruining the economy
  2. told my environmental science teacher he was more disgusting then the underside of the desks
  3. made a teacher cry out of frustration when i asked huh? one to many time
  4. sleeping. so much sleeping. my math teacher eventually gave up on me and let me just sleep
  5. when a kid asked if the teacher was going to take up homework i leaned over and snatched his paper and said there was no homework last night
  6. turned in an entire essay written in icing on a cake
  7. turned in every single project to my french teacher senior year as a cake
  8. i still dont get why she was pissed about that one cause hey free cake
  9. accidentally let my lab partner set the ceiling on fire
  10. told a teacher i wasnt going to be in class the next day because i was competing for the school and he told me “well then you don have to be in class now then do you?” so i said peace dude and left
  11. lead a revolt and marched out of my environmental science teachers classroom after he started talking shit - the rest of the class came with me
  12. made a kid cry when i got sick of her not shutting the fuck up during the lecture
  13. watched a fight break out, did nothing, did not alert the authorities, got kicked out anyways cause i was being useless
  14. texted a teacher to ask them to send a runner to get me out of a different class
  15. refused to do an assignment for my environmental science teacher. got told i needed to do it or i would have detention. got detention. didnt go to detention. got saturday work detail. didnt go to saturday work detail. got a month of saturday work detail. didnt go to that either. 
  16. when a teacher asked me why i had been absent all week i said “apparently i was dead” referencing a rumor at least three different people had told me about me that morning. 
  17. ………corrected my english teacher when she made a mistake talking about animal farm. which we weren’t suppose to have read yet. but i had already read everything on the school summer reading list for the entirely of high school by the end of sophomore year. she was pissed. this happened every time we started a new book
  18. this is not a complete list
  19. was tardy got sent to the office for a note came back with a note that said “student was late because: cows”

So I’m getting my dog trained and I had to go over the contract and specs and what I need her for etc etc and the trainer was like if I met you on the street I would have no idea you have this and I was like …that’s why it’s called an invisible illness dude. And then he was all you’re super chill about this I don’t want to stress you out. Which of course did the exact opposite. And Dinah being the good dog she is noticed that I was like !!!!! internally and just. Hops up into my lap and cuddles and the dog trainer kinda stops and stares at her for a second and then looked at me and apologized for being an insensitive dick