cooking-show

Chopped

TED: Four chefs, one chance at a ten thousand dollar prize.  They must create an unforgettable meal using the mystery ingredients provided, or they will be chopped.  Let’s meet our contestants.  First, Chef Angela.

ANGELA: I’m Angela, I’m sous chef at Le Snobbe in Omaha Nebraska.  My specialty is Scottish with an Asian twist.  I need to win this so my parents will take me seriously.

TED: Next we have Chef Madagascar.

MADAGASCAR: I run the Shaggoth Catering Company.  My family came over from Kazantzan to build a better life here, but my brothers all died of the plague the second our house foreclosed.  I need the ten thousand dollars to buy my mother a new kidney.

TED: Chef Bill.

BILL: I’m extremely loud and have a broad range of interests that will do nothing to help me in this competition.  Watch me as I punch the camera with my tattooed knuckles that read FOOD.

TED: And finally, Chef Gooseberry.

GOOSEBERRY: I’m Gooseberry, I live in Los Angeles, and I love vegan food to the point where I won’t eat anything that ingests oxygen.  I see so many people eating meat and it *starts crying* just makes me so sad, I have to win this to show them that there’s a better way.

Ted: Chefs, before you there is a basket of ingredients.  You must use all of them, and your dishes will be critiqued by our panel of distinguished chefs on taste, presentation, and creativity.  If you can’t, you will be chopped.  Please open your baskets.  You must construct an appetizer using shank of unicorn, human hair, ground glass, and puffed cheese snacks. You have twenty minutes.

ANGELA: I see the puffed cheese snacks and I immediately think, haggis.  I run to the pantry and grab chickpeas and Sriracha, to give it a little kick.

GOOSEBERRY: Unicorn!  Whyyyyyy is there meeeeeeat!  (cries) Oh well, I’ll just have to suck it up and make it vegan as possible by pan-searing it and dousing it in chicken broth.

MADAGASCAR: I’m so stoked to see ground glass in the basket.  My mom used to cook with this all the time.  It has sort of a crunchy texture, so I’m gonna make pancakes.

(Shot of Bill looking alarmed and confused)

BILL: Guys…none of these are…food…uhh…

BILL: I just have this wad of human hair in my basket and I’m thinking, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?  But I know unicorn has to be soaked to get the glitter off, otherwise it’ll be way too salty and start sprouting little flowers, so I get that soaking and hope the rest will come to me.

JUDGE ALEX: What a great basket!  But I think it will be a real challenge for our chefs.

JUDGE SCOTT: There’s a lot you can do with puffed cheese snacks, but you’d have to be careful their saltiness doesn’t build on the natural saltiness of the unicorn shanks.  I’m so curious to see what they plan to do with the human hair, which in this basket is a mix of Asian, African, and Caucasian strands.

ANGELA: Some of these hairs are Asian, so I use them to tie the ends of my haggis.  I love showing off my specialty.

MADAGASCAR: Not many people would think to cook and eat a unicorn, but in Kazantzan, you take whatever comes your way.  I take the glitter and I put it into a puree for a sauce with vinegar, making sure to chant the ancient evil incantation over it that will keep it from sprouting.  But I’m running out of time, so I may have slurred some of the words together.

(Madagascar starts bleeding from the nose)

JUDGE ALEX: Ohhh, it looks like he’s reversed the S and the Q in “sesustngsnqsutintan.”  That’s the kind of mistake that could cost him some time.  You have to admire his ambition though.

BILL: I get the unicorn into the grill, but I haven’t even touched my hairball yet.  I remember thinking of a prank my big brother played on me once, so I throw the ground glass into the blender with some ice, vodka, and limoncello.

TED: And there is one minute left remaining!

ANGELA: I haven’t even started plating yet, my haggis isn’t done swelling, but I’m thinking, just get it on the plate.

GOOSEBERRY: I have one minute.  I’m gonna make a fresh green salad to represent my vegan lifestyle, and start making a vinaigrette.

TED: FIVE…FOUR…THREE…TWO…ONE…time’s up, please step back.

MADAGASCAR: I look down at my dish, and I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done.  Then I see that there’s nose blood on the plate.  I need that ten thousand dollars.

BILL: I quickly added the hairball as a garnish.

It’s not gross, it’s gormet

GOOSEBERRY: ohhhh nooo I forgot the unicorn shanks, the glass, the hairball, and the Cheetos (TV EDIT, TOTALLY DIFFERENT VOICE) puffed cheese snacks.  All I have is this red onion salad and white truffle dressing.

ANGELA: If I’d just had five more minutes, this would have been a killer cheese and hair haggis.  *shrugs*

TED: Alright chefs, let’s see what you made. Chef Bill.

BILL: I’ve made for you today a cheese-snack encrusted grilled unicorn shank, with a lemon glass slushie.

JUDGE ALEX (sternly): I love this.  You really handled the glitter beautifully, and the limoncello adds a lot of much-needed acidity to the salty flavors.

JUDGE SCOTT: I don’t like it.  There’s hair on my plate and I hate you.

BILL: It…it was one of the ingredients…

TED: Chef Angela.

ANGELA: Before you today we have a cheese snack and ground unicorn haggis, tied with Asian hairs and garnished with a tarragon and glass crumble.

JUDGE ALEX (sternly): The combination is brilliant, the flavors really play off each other well.  But mine is a little cold in the center, and you can see…I have sprouts.

ANGELA: It’s supposed to do that.  I meant to do that.

TED: Chef Madagascar.

MADAGASCAR: Today I’ve made you a unicorn pancake with a glass crust, and a glitter dipping sauce.

JUDGE SCOTT: I’m not getting any of the human hair.

TED: Tell us why you need to win today.

MADAGASCAR: I need to get my mother a new kidney, as we had to sell her good one to pay for my father’s ransom.  He’s okay now, but times have been hard with just one kidney to share between them.

JUDGE ALEX: There’s blood on my plate.  I can’t eat this.

TED: Chef Gooseberry.

GOOSEBERRY: I’ve made a vegan-friendly dish, with the unicorn, cheese snacks, and the hair omitted.  The glass did not make it onto the plate.

JUDGE SCOTT: This is just red onions and white truffle oil.

GOOSEBERRY: That is correct.

(TV EDIT, SCENE RECONVENES TEN MINUTES LATER)

GOOSEBERRY (with a black eye, sniffling): Thank you chef.

TED: Now whose dish has been put on the chopping block?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC AS WE LOOK AT EVERYONE’S SAD FACE)

TED (revealing Gooseberry’s dish): Chef Gooseberry, you’ve been chopped.

GOOSEBERRY: I was pretty disappointed to get chopped, but I stand by my work, and I’m proud nobody had to eat meat made by my hand. (leaves down the hallway)

TED: Next up, the entree round. WHO (flash to Madagascar) WILL (flash to Angela) BE (flash to Bill) CHOPPED???!!??

I need a cooking show where the contestants are tasked with recreating fictional dishes

Like

“Make this dish that showed up in that anime one time - it looks like this and it’s slightly spicy. This is all we know” *shows big picture on a screen*

or

“Your task today is to make a health potion. It should be able to stay preserved for a week in room temperature, at least. But it’s not like we can really check that on a 1 hour show. Still, keep it in mind”

and then the old man who lives alone with two dogs and a cat wins, and the gamer and the anime nerd look at him in horror whispering “how…” to themselves

or something

but yeah I need this

TV Show Idea

It’s your usual Cutthroat Kitchen tournament-style episodic cook-off…with a catch: the contestants - pretentious, self-important chefs from around the country - are judged not by top-of-the-line famous cooks, but by normal people. 

And not just normal people, but normal people with everyday limitations that the chefs must adhere to. Each episode is a new competition that challenges the chefs with a new limitation or change based on various people’s food realities. 

Here are some possible episodes: 

  • Create a dessert (pastry/cake in one episode, ice cream-type dessert in another) for Diabetic people 
  • Make a traditionally spicy dish for people with Sensory Processing Disorder 
  • Cook for a kids’ birthday party, bearing in mind that children have very simple tastes and will be put off by “gourmet” ingredients 
  • Again with SPD, make a meal that normally has too many mixed textures for the judges to comfortably eat 
  • Catering for elderly judges who both cannot chew/crunch very well (and are sick of soup/oatmeal) 
  • Catering for elderly judges with a combo of “can’t taste unless the flavors are very strong” and “aging body can’t handle too many spices” 
  • “We surveyed 100 low-income families to see what their most common ingredients/spices/brands are and you may ONLY use those. Now make Thanksgiving dinner.” 
  • Traditionally cheese- or milk-heavy recipes for people who are lactose intolerant 
  • “We surveyed 100 college students and– look, just make really good ramen out of these $0.99 noodles from CVS and some cheap spices.” 
  • Various religious restrictions 

Each of these will be judged by people who are really in the given situation. The low-income competition is judged by people who have those budget limitations every Thanksgiving. Their judges for the SPD episode are all Autistic (or have other SPD-inclusive disorders). The kids probably aren’t actually having a birthday party but they ARE all actually young children giving their honest opinion of what the contestants cook. 

Most chefs, when faced with making, say, a non-spicy hollandaise sauce will panic and say “the dish is ruined!” because all they did was make the sauce minus cayenne. Those chefs would soon be eliminated, leaving only adaptable, accepting contestants who know how to work inside the box to improve a given dish. Add, not just take away. Chefs who are ready to take classic meals in a new direction are the ones who win. 

The ultimate moral of this show is that given dishes can be made many ways, not just the traditional ways. 

Audiences in the mentioned demographics will both love seeing themselves represented on TV and learn new recipes invented under pressure/on the fly that they can copy at home. 

Feel free to add episode ideas to this!! I’m sure I missed a lot of people. 

The Great British Bake-Off Drinking Game

Take one drink every time:

-someone makes a sexual innuendo

-a contestant sits in front of the oven looking sad

-a really bad pun is made

-you see a gif-worthy facial expression

-Paul gives an evil smile

-Sue and Mel act like a couple

-one of the hosts eats food off a contestant’s station

-a contestant acts smug about homegrown ingredients

-a contestant receives a handshake from Paul

Take two drinks if:

-Paul and Mary disagree

-Mary gives a look of silent disapproval

-”soggy bottom”

-multiple people in the tent pronounce a word very differently

Take three drinks every time:

-you don’t understand a familiar word due to thick British accents

Finish your drink if:

-there is a total disaster on one of the contestant’s bakes

-one of the HOSTS wrecks the contestant’s bake

6217. One time for charity, the main Titans (sans Raven) appeared on an episode of "Chopped". Beast Boy was eliminated in the appetizer round because his sliders were under-cooked. Robin lost the main course round because he let his pasta cook for too long. Cyborg ended up being the Chopped Champion, narrowly beating out Starfire's sour cream and onion ice cream with mushrooms.

Submitted by Anonymous.

Cutthroat Kitchen drinking game

Take a drink every time:

  • a contestant admits to not knowing what a dish is or how to make it
  • a contestant forgets a main ingredient in the pantry
  • the auction jumps more than $1,000 between bids
  • Alton Brown laughs maniacally (or does something else particularly malicious)
  • a sabotage ends up working to a contestant’s advantage
  • or, a contestant talks about not caring about a sabotage, and then they get it
  • someone buys a sabotage and later on it ends up biting them in the ass (eg they swap stations with the person who got the sabotage)
  • a contestant gets excited and cocky about having to make a dish that comes from their heritage (eg a Mexican chef gets to make huevos rancheros)
    • and then when they inevitably lose the round (seriously like 90% of the time they go home on their own heritage’s dish!)
  • “deconstructed”
  • or the contestant refers to their dish with a descriptive word that it’s clearly not

Finish your drink (but then pour yourself another) whenever:

  • contestant demographics: three men, one woman
  • a contestant spends more than half their money in the first round
  • bidding passes $10,000
  • you don’t like the person who wins the episode
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