Me, someone who still eats lunchables and cannot cook, watching Chopped and screaming at the TV:
I can’t believe they are slicing the meat before letting it rest! 7 minutes left and they think they can bake a cake?? For the love of god, start plating! Get all the ingredients on the plate!! this fool is going home, he barely transformed the basket! oh no! The ice cream! he is opening the oven way too much, that will never rise when she is letting the heat out the presentation of that plate is messy. look at that portion, you call that an entree? It’s barely even an appetizer!
TED: Four chefs, one chance at a ten thousand dollar prize. They must create an unforgettable meal using the mystery ingredients provided, or they will be chopped. Let’s meet our contestants. First, Chef Angela.
ANGELA: I’m Angela, I’m sous chef at Le Snobbe in Omaha Nebraska. My specialty is Scottish with an Asian twist. I need to win this so my parents will take me seriously.
TED: Next we have Chef Madagascar.
MADAGASCAR: I run the Shaggoth Catering Company. My family came over from Kazantzan to build a better life here, but my brothers all died of the plague the second our house foreclosed. I need the ten thousand dollars to buy my mother a new kidney.
TED: Chef Bill.
BILL: I’m extremely loud and have a broad range of interests that will do nothing to help me in this competition. Watch me as I punch the camera with my tattooed knuckles that read FOOD.
TED: And finally, Chef Gooseberry.
GOOSEBERRY: I’m Gooseberry, I live in Los Angeles, and I love vegan food to the point where I won’t eat anything that ingests oxygen. I see so many people eating meat and it *starts crying* just makes me so sad, I have to win this to show them that there’s a better way.
Ted: Chefs, before you there is a basket of ingredients. You must use all of them, and your dishes will be critiqued by our panel of distinguished chefs on taste, presentation, and creativity. If you can’t, you will be chopped. Please open your baskets. You must construct an appetizer using shank of unicorn, human hair, ground glass, and puffed cheese snacks. You have twenty minutes.
ANGELA: I see the puffed cheese snacks and I immediately think, haggis. I run to the pantry and grab chickpeas and Sriracha, to give it a little kick.
GOOSEBERRY: Unicorn! Whyyyyyy is there meeeeeeat! (cries) Oh well, I’ll just have to suck it up and make it vegan as possible by pan-searing it and dousing it in chicken broth.
MADAGASCAR: I’m so stoked to see ground glass in the basket. My mom used to cook with this all the time. It has sort of a crunchy texture, so I’m gonna make pancakes.
(Shot of Bill looking alarmed and confused)
BILL: Guys…none of these are…food…uhh…
BILL: I just have this wad of human hair in my basket and I’m thinking, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? But I know unicorn has to be soaked to get the glitter off, otherwise it’ll be way too salty and start sprouting little flowers, so I get that soaking and hope the rest will come to me.
JUDGE ALEX: What a great basket! But I think it will be a real challenge for our chefs.
JUDGE SCOTT: There’s a lot you can do with puffed cheese snacks, but you’d have to be careful their saltiness doesn’t build on the natural saltiness of the unicorn shanks. I’m so curious to see what they plan to do with the human hair, which in this basket is a mix of Asian, African, and Caucasian strands.
ANGELA: Some of these hairs are Asian, so I use them to tie the ends of my haggis. I love showing off my specialty.
MADAGASCAR: Not many people would think to cook and eat a unicorn, but in Kazantzan, you take whatever comes your way. I take the glitter and I put it into a puree for a sauce with vinegar, making sure to chant the ancient evil incantation over it that will keep it from sprouting. But I’m running out of time, so I may have slurred some of the words together.
(Madagascar starts bleeding from the nose)
JUDGE ALEX: Ohhh, it looks like he’s reversed the S and the Q in “sesustngsnqsutintan.” That’s the kind of mistake that could cost him some time. You have to admire his ambition though.
BILL: I get the unicorn into the grill, but I haven’t even touched my hairball yet. I remember thinking of a prank my big brother played on me once, so I throw the ground glass into the blender with some ice, vodka, and limoncello.
TED: And there is one minute left remaining!
ANGELA: I haven’t even started plating yet, my haggis isn’t done swelling, but I’m thinking, just get it on the plate.
GOOSEBERRY: I have one minute. I’m gonna make a fresh green salad to represent my vegan lifestyle, and start making a vinaigrette.
MADAGASCAR: I look down at my dish, and I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done. Then I see that there’s nose blood on the plate. I need that ten thousand dollars.
BILL: I quickly added the hairball as a garnish.
It’s not gross, it’s gormet
GOOSEBERRY: ohhhh nooo I forgot the unicorn shanks, the glass, the hairball, and the Cheetos (TV EDIT, TOTALLY DIFFERENT VOICE) puffed cheese snacks. All I have is this red onion salad and white truffle dressing.
ANGELA: If I’d just had five more minutes, this would have been a killer cheese and hair haggis. *shrugs*
TED: Alright chefs, let’s see what you made. Chef Bill.
BILL: I’ve made for you today a cheese-snack encrusted grilled unicorn shank, with a lemon glass slushie.
JUDGE ALEX (sternly): I love this. You really handled the glitter beautifully, and the limoncello adds a lot of much-needed acidity to the salty flavors.
JUDGE SCOTT: I don’t like it. There’s hair on my plate and I hate you.
BILL: It…it was one of the ingredients…
TED: Chef Angela.
ANGELA: Before you today we have a cheese snack and ground unicorn haggis, tied with Asian hairs and garnished with a tarragon and glass crumble.
JUDGE ALEX (sternly): The combination is brilliant, the flavors really play off each other well. But mine is a little cold in the center, and you can see…I have sprouts.
ANGELA: It’s supposed to do that. I meant to do that.
TED: Chef Madagascar.
MADAGASCAR: Today I’ve made you a unicorn pancake with a glass crust, and a glitter dipping sauce.
JUDGE SCOTT: I’m not getting any of the human hair.
TED: Tell us why you need to win today.
MADAGASCAR: I need to get my mother a new kidney, as we had to sell her good one to pay for my father’s ransom. He’s okay now, but times have been hard with just one kidney to share between them.
JUDGE ALEX: There’s blood on my plate. I can’t eat this.
TED: Chef Gooseberry.
GOOSEBERRY: I’ve made a vegan-friendly dish, with the unicorn, cheese snacks, and the hair omitted. The glass did not make it onto the plate.
JUDGE SCOTT: This is just red onions and white truffle oil.
GOOSEBERRY: That is correct.
(TV EDIT, SCENE RECONVENES TEN MINUTES LATER)
GOOSEBERRY (with a black eye, sniffling): Thank you chef.
TED: Now whose dish has been put on the chopping block?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC AS WE LOOK AT EVERYONE’S SAD FACE)
TED (revealing Gooseberry’s dish): Chef Gooseberry, you’ve been chopped.
GOOSEBERRY: I was pretty disappointed to get chopped, but I stand by my work, and I’m proud nobody had to eat meat made by my hand. (leaves down the hallway)
TED: Next up, the entree round. WHO (flash to Madagascar) WILL (flash to Angela) BE (flash to Bill) CHOPPED???!!??
Holster, watching queer eye in a bathrobe, feet propped against a coffee table to reveal socks and slides:
I can’t believe he thought it was acceptable to wear that in public. Learn to color coordinate and french tuck you fashion catastrophe.