Hey does anyone else have a lot of trouble getting out of bed and feeding themselves sometimes? Yeah me too. BUT I’ve basically gotten the cheap, easy, fast ramen thing down to a T by this point and thought I’d share it with you guys. It can be made very easily for any type of diet, including gluten-free, vegan and vegetarian.
Time: Will vary depending on your ingredients, but at minimum it’ll take about 5-10 minutes.
For just a soup base+noodles, you will need:
A package of cheap-ass ramen noodles - throw away the seasoning packet or save it to use with something else. Buy in bulk if you don’t want to go to the store every time you want noodles. If you’re gluten-free, get rice noodles or another gluten-free option.
Miso paste - I got mine for about $3, and it lasts for a very long time in the fridge. Pro tip: it’s cheaper at an Asian grocery store or market if you have access to one.
Stock cube/paste - around $2 at my local grocery store. I went for low-sodium chicken stock cubes, but you use your preferred type.
Water - about 2-3 cups for one portion depending on how big your bowl is. Remember, if you’re adding in extras, the liquid level will rise. I’ve made that mistake way too many times.
If you want extras, some good options to mix and match at your preference/budget/convenience are
Bean sprouts - super cheap at the grocery store. Just throw a handful in and call it a day. I like mine to still be a little crunchy so I do it in the last 2 minutes of cooking.
Snow peas - ditto to the bean sprouts. Extras can be frozen.
Onion - I typically use half or a quarter of a white onion cut into thin slices, and tossed in the broth asap because I like it a bit more tender. Freeze the rest if you’re not going to be using it within the next few days.
Green onion/scallions - 1-2 will be good for one portion. Slice in thin disks, or on an angle if you’re fancy. Also you can use both the tops (green) and the bottoms (white), but that’s to your preference. I typically use these as a garnish, but you can add them in whenever you’d like.
Bok/pak choi - one of my favorite vegetables in the entire world. It can be found in most grocery stores nowadays, but is much cheaper at an Asian market if you have access to one. Cut off the very bottom part and then cut the pieces in half length-wise. Throw them in at the beginning if you like them softer, or in the last 3 minutes if you still want them a bit crunchy.
Spinach - just chuck in a handful whenever. Spinach can also be used frozen and is often cheaper to either buy it already frozen, or buy fresh in bulk and store it in your freezer to have forever. Get those vitamins!
Shredded carrot - you may not have the time/energy to shred carrots. Buy the pre-shredded kind and freeze whatever you have left over.
Corn - use frozen.
Mushrooms - slice thinly or buy pre-sliced. Add to broth toward the beginning.
Tofu - silken tofu is usually the best option for this, but use whatever it is you have/can afford. Cut into small cubes and add whenever you’d like.
Chicken - use leftover cooked chicken to add to your soup or slice a raw chicken breast thinly and poach it at a gentle simmer in the broth for 7-10 minutes or until it is white and opaque. It does take a little extra time, but you don’t actually have to do anything while it cooks and this will add extra flavor. Pre-marinated chicken is good for this as well (look for “Asian” flavors like soy, sesame, ginger, garlic, chili, etc.). Again, more expensive or time-consuming if you’re marinating it yourself, but it’s up to you.
Shrimp - use pre-cooked frozen shrimp to save time and just dump in a handful. Buy the frozen stuff in bulk. Or, like with the chicken, poach raw shrimp in the broth until they are pink and opaque.
Garlic - either use a garlic crusher if you have it or just toss in thin slices into the pan with a little bit of veg or sesame oil for about 2 minutes, before you add your liquid. I buy pre-crushed frozen garlic that comes in little cubes and just pop them straight into whatever I’m cooking. There’s also that pre-crushed/chopped garlic in a paste or little jars. The pre-prepared stuff is more expensive than just buying bulbs of garlic BUT it will last you a while and saves a lot of time and energy.
Ginger - same as the garlic.
Chilis - chopped into thin disks. Take out the seeds and white part inside the chili if you don’t like it too spicy. Add as a garnish or into the broth if you like it a little spicier.
Hot sauce - use your favorite brand.
Chili oil - I got mine for about $1.50 and it’s a must-have for me in my soup. I drizzle a couple teaspoons on top when my soup is all done.
Soy sauce - light or dark soy is fine. Add as much or as little as you like.
Sesame oil - this is quite strong, so a little goes a long way. Use about a teaspoon.
Fish sauce, oyster sauce, rice wine/mirin/sake - these are great flavors but may be a bit harder to find and tend to be a little more expensive. Use about 1-2 teaspoons if you have it.
Cilantro - throw the stalks into your broth and strain them out afterward or just use the leaves as a garnish.
Lemon or lime - a squeeze to taste.
Sesame seeds - sprinkle on top.
Like I said, all the above ingredients are simply suggestions. It’s up to you to decide what you want, what you have the time and energy for, and what you can afford. This is just to show you the range of options.
Prep whatever ingredients you’re using (slice/chop/take out of freezer). If you’re not using any, just go to step 2.
Bring 2-3 cups of water to a boil. If you have an electric kettle, this will make the process much quicker.
Add in your stock cube and miso paste and cook for about 2 minutes until they dissolve. You may want to stir a couple times just to help it along.
Add in whatever vegetables/protein/additional flavorings above suit your fancy and cook to your liking.
Add noodles and cook for 3 minutes.
Put food in bowl. Don’t worry about making it pretty. Garnish as you like.
Put food in mouth.
Put any leftover soup you may have into a tupperware or thermos and take it to work/school the next day. Or save it for 3-4 days in the fridge and heat it up when you’re hungry.
Another pro tip: you can make the soup base in bulk and freeze whatever you don’t use. when you want soup but don’t want to go through the whole process again, stick the frozen soup in the microwave/melt in a pot on the stove, bring to a boil, add in your noodles/extras and you’re good to go.
Hey all! This is my recipe for vegan chickpea and avocado “salad”. It’s pretty easy if you have a small food processor or blender, but can definitely be done by hand. This batch makes enough for a few days of filling sandwiches. I like it stuffed in a pita with baby spinach and other veggies (whatever I have on hand). Here it’s pictured with Chipotle veganaise on a Multigrain pita. Here we go!
Knife for cutting avocado
Cutting board or plate
Food processor, blender, or fork for mashing (you can get a small food processor for $20ish on amazon)
2 cans chickpeas
2 ripe avocados
Paprika (smoked is the BOMB, but regular is fine!)
Salt and Pepper
The first step is totally optional, but it makes a smoother salad: peel your chickpeas. This can take a while, but just pinch the peas to seperate the skins. This goes faster with help, but I think is worth it (I’ve made it both ways). Again, an optional step!
Step two: remove pit and peel from your avocados. Place in food processor (or tupperware, if you’re mashing by hand). Add chickpeas.
Step three: Grind it up! I like to grind the chickpeas enough that they aren’t whole, but have some chunky pieces for a meaty texture. My food processor is small, so I do this in batches. Place avocado/chickpea mixture in your tupperware.
Step four: peel, then shred your carrots directly into your tupperware. I save the peels and stubs and freeze them to make veggie stock. 😊
Step five: season! I use a splash of lemon juice and eye the rest. I like mine with a lot of flavor, so I tend to use a heavy hand on the seasoning. Mix it up, store in the fridge. I rotate this sandwich with pb&j. It would be good on all sorts of breads.
FRIEND. TREE BROS ARE MY SHIT. I’M PLANNING A SERIES AROUND THEM.
TREE BROS HCS:
Connor and Evan are both problematic so most of their dates involve being away from the public eye, little secret getaways
They get rained down during of their getaway dates and Connor offers Evan his hoodie. Because how cute is Evan in Connor’s hoodie?
Evan likes to play with Connor’s hair while Connor is laying on his lap, sketching something.
The actually have a favorite band in common and its (idk pine grove, its a group that gets me in the mood to write for tree bros/connor)
Connor tutors Evan in English and feeds him between sessions
when Connor cooks he leaves leftovers for Mrs. Hansen, she smirks because thats how she knows Connor has been around
Connor still writes on Evan’s arm even after his cast is taken off. He doodles and leaves notes. Whenever Evan gets anxious or worried, he can look at them and it gives him peace of mind. He’ll see connor again soon
CONNOR AND EVAN DO NOT CURE EACH OTHER BUT THEY HELP EACH OTHER COPE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS AND COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THEY HAVE THESE THINGS BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE THEM ANY LESS WORTHY OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS *WAILS*
I recently concocted a similar recipe using several source recipes online, and though I LOVE chopping veggies, I realized I could simplify this with pre-chopped ingredients and it would be super fast and easy (and DELICIOUS) to make. Red lentils are yummy, nutritious, and don’t need to be soaked beforehand because they’re so tiny!
Servings: About 5 depending on how hungry you are!
1 cup red lentils
3 cups chicken OR vegetable broth
Frozen diced veggies (I recommend anything with carrots, celery, and most definitely onions)
1 can diced tomatoes
1 tsp pre-chopped garlic
1 tsp ginger (or to taste)
1 tsp cumin (or to taste)
Small dash of paprika
Salt if needed (the broth will add salt so give it a taste test first)
OPTIONAL: Olive oil
OPTIONAL: 1 serrano pepper, halved and de-seeded (may want to use gloves for this as it can make your skin hot hot hot), this makes the soup just a bit spicy but it’s not necessary!
SUPER EASY DIRECTIONS:
Add all ingredients to a large pot and bring to a boil. Cook on medium heat for ten minutes.
OPTIONAL, SLIGHTLY LESS EASY (BUT MAKES IT MORE DELICIOUS) DIRECTIONS:
Sautee veggies and garlic in olive oil in a large pot for about five minutes. This will add a lot of flavor to the veg.
Add the rest of the ingredients, bring to a boil, and cook on medium heat for ten minutes.
robert finds a way to support aaron throughout his counselling sessions.
or, four tuesdays that robert supports aaron, and one tuesday where robert needs his husband.
The first counselling session had lured Robert into a false sense of security. He’d collected Aaron from the counsellor’s office in Leeds, and he’d been okay, he’d been quiet, sure, but he’d been okay - he’d smiled at Robert and suggested lunch in town somewhere before they made the drive back to Emmerdale.
Robert didn’t know much about counselling, if he was honest, beyond what he’d read online when scouring through the infinite list of counsellors Aaron could go and see. Aaron had been the one to agree he needed counselling, but Robert had been the one to find a counsellor for him, in the end.
He hadn’t know what to expect, from Aaron’s sessions, but that first one made him think they wouldn’t be all that bad.
It was the third, when Robert realised it wasn’t going to be an easy road. Maybe it had been completely naive of him to believe they could just muddle along and everything would be okay, even with Aaron having to relive the worst parts of his life over and over, have someone pick them apart and put him back together all over again.
Aaron was quiet, when Robert came in from work. He’d driven himself to counselling that afternoon, Robert stuck in meetings for Home James until the earning evening time.
“Hiya,” Robert greeted, setting his laptop and folder down on the kitchen table, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of Aaron’s head. His husband flinched away from Robert’s touch, and instantly, Robert was worried. “How was your day?”
“How do you think?” Aaron snapped, not looking up from the cold cup of tea he was holding tightly to.
Robert wasn’t really sure what to say. “Have you had tea?” he tried, hoping it would elicit a better reaction.
“‘M not hungry.” Aaron shook his head, shoving his chair backward. “I’m going to bed.”
“It’s six o’clock, Aaron.”
“So? Are you tryin’ to tell me when I can and can’t go to bed now?”
“Aaron, you know -“ Robert began, sighing as Aaron walked out of the backroom without waiting for him to finish his sentence. He stood alone, in the kitchen, for a few minutes, trying to figure out what he could do to help.
His first instinct was to follow Aaron, and hold him close, and reassure him that everything was going to be alright, that he’d be okay - but Aaron didn’t want that, he’d told Robert he didn’t want that.
He’d just have to find a new way to help Aaron through it all, he supposed.
Ok, y’all, I’m sorry for starting with a hug microfic that wasn’t prompted when I have so many great fluffy hug prompts but… here’s an angsty Keith-and-Hunk hug set some handwavy time around “Blade of Mormora.”
Keith stood at the bathroom mirror, poking at the bruises that covered his torso instead of smoothing the healing salve on them like he was supposed to be doing. He’d bandaged up the cut on his shoulder, because that actually did hurt, though not as much as he thought it would have if it weren’t for the suit the Blades had provided. Had it been able to close the wound because he was Galra? He knew the deep purples scattered across his skin weren’t Galra, but every time he touched one and felt another spike of pain it was more reassurance that they were bruises, and he was human, and maybe, maybe, maybe the Blades were wrong.
He was too lost in thought to notice Hunk’s footsteps in the hallway until the door swung open beside him, and then halfway closed again. "Whoops!“
Keith wasn’t sure whether to say "I’m in here” or “Don’t come in,” but before he could decide, Hunk figured out what he’d seen.
“Wait -” the door swung open again and Hunk was looking worriedly at him, “That’s a lot of bruises. What did they do to you over there?”
Keith’s heart jumped a beat. He didn’t know. Shiro hadn’t gotten there yet, or Hunk hadn’t been listening, or he hadn’t - he didn’t know.
“I -” he stuttered, “It was a test, I-”
Hunk’s face darkened. "It was a test? What the heck? Who does that? Those Galra-“
Keith tried not to flinch. "It’s not their fault,” he interrupted, “I volunteered. I wanted-”
He’d wanted to know about his heritage. What a surreal thing to remember. Now he’d give anything not to know about it.
Hunk’s face softened again, as Keith gestured wordlessly, unable to explain himself.
“Well, it still looks like it hurts. I’m glad you’re ok.”
Hunk stepped into the bathroom and wrapped his arms carefully around Keith, avoiding the cut on his shoulder and most of the bigger bruises.
Keith froze for a moment, but when he felt Hunk pulling away, it suddenly occurred to him that this might be the last hug he ever got. Shiro was going to make it through the rest of the story, or the Blades were going to mention his heritage, and then everyone would know and this might be his last hug. He wrapped his arms around Hunk, stopping him from letting go, and squeezed tight.
Hunk seemed surprised, but didn’t let go, letting Keith half melt into him like he didn’t usually let himself relax enough to do. Hunk’s arms were strong and firm and solid, and Keith just wanted to breathe in the leftover cooking smells hovering around Hunk’s clothes and never let go.
“Oh man,” Hunk said, tightening the hug just a little bit once he decided he could do it without hurting Keith. "It must have been really rough.“
Hunk had no idea. When they finally broke apart, Keith had to fight back tears, and only managed not to sprint away by clenching his stomach to make him feel stronger at his core. It only mostly worked.
Food Journal Day 136, for the 22nd of July 2017! Here we have:
Breakfast: Blackberry, banana, apple, carrot, ginger & raisin porridge with nuts (cashews, walnuts, hazelnuts, brazil nuts, peanuts & almonds), seeds (linseeds, chia seeds, sesame seeds & sunflower seeds), powdered banana, cranberry & blueberry, and an improvised blackcurrant, blackberry & grape coulis. Update on the brazil nut & cashew milk: followed a recipe and it totally rules. Everyone says you need a Nutribullet or a Vitamix, but you really don’t. I made mine in an ordinary blender after soaking everything for a few hours, and added some dates as per the recommendation. What you don’t realise until you go vegan is how sweet milk is, so when you try (for example) plain soy milk for the first time, it can take some getting used to. I’ve had it before and aquired the taste, but I can see why the flavoured ones are so popular. For many reasons I don’t want to buy that stuff, though now I’ve seen how easy it is to make, I needn’t worry that porridge/coffee/etc will “never be the same again”. You’ll be able to see my results tomorrow, but suffice to say, it works brilliantly, and is a vast improvement on the banana variety.
A/N: New chapter, as promised. Credits for the main idea to @mewringo13 (thank you!). I’m already pretty much done writing the next chapter, so it may come sooner than expected :)
‘You knew it was a bad idea to check on the roof at night’, Zelda scolded a thoroughly soaked Link while she applied white chuchu jelly on her partner’s ankle, dressed in her nightie. ‘You are still too reckless’.
‘But there was a leak on the roof!, he complained as he fidgeted on the chair, 'I had to fix it!’
'At three in the morning, while it rained. Great’, she frowned, cleaning the goo from her hands with a cloth. 'You could have waited for Mr. Bolson to fix it in the morning’.
'No way! It was just a misplaced shingle!’ he complained while Zelda wrapped a bandage on the injured ankle, disapproving look all over her face, ‘And it’s not about money… you know how long Bolson and Karson stayed on my lawn “taking a break”? Months. I wasn’t bothered, until I wanted to take you here, so I had to tell them I was bringing my girlfriend to live with me, so we could have actual privacy’.
'That’s really sweet’, Zelda patted the bandaged foot, 'but it doesn’t exempt you from your recklessness. Let me help you go upstairs’.
He supported himself on her to go upstairs, landing on their bed. Once he changed back -with Zelda’s aid - into his pajamas, they quickly fell asleep.
Link woke up to an empty bed. On the nightstand was a note and a tray with food.
Link, I went shopping and running errands. I’ll also go to the Lab and tell Purah about what happened in Zora’s Domain. Take a good rest. - Zelda
P.S. The food are last night’s leftovers. I’ll cook for lunch and dinner.
Those words meant anything could happen, for she would take such a mundane activity as experimentally as possible, and as her assistant, he had to help her… or be her test subject. Several images of highly questionable concoctions - with ranging edibility - crossed his mind.
This was worse than going after a guardian without proper weapons. He laid in bed, looking at the ceiling, hoping for the best. After all, this was his fault.
I must apologize for last night’s stupidity. I should be taking care of her, not the other way.
Meanwhile, Zelda had left the lab, triumphant after giving Purah the news of the new champion, and had already shopped or gathered the ingredients to cook.
'Look who has a picture of Purah snap-ping o-out’, she said in a singsong, emphasizing the bad pun, as she climbed the stairs to show Link the image.
He had fallen asleep, to her surprise.
10.57 a.m. Having Link bedridden gives me the chance to acquire new skills, such as cooking. I hope to do a decent job, since he is quite the chef.
Back to the core subject, Purah was very surprised at the news of Sidon becoming Ruta’s new master. After recovering from the initial shock, she realized it wasn’t such a far-fetched possibility, and it would be very likely the others stopped working too sooner or later, for they would need new champions. I wonder if the process with the rest will be as swift as it was with the Zoras.
She also agreed with Robbie’s idea of dismantling all guardians, not only because any active ones pose a threat to civilians, but also to fully understand their workings, and use their technology to improve the quality of life of Hyrule’s citizens.
Once Link gets better, we will continue our journey. Now I shall try my best to make tasty meals! I wonder if any of his armor sets improves cooking skills… maybe the flamebreaker one? Gorons make great cooking spices, after all.
Link awoke to clanking sounds. They came from outside. He saw from the bedroom window Zelda petting and feeding the horses. Perfectly normal.
Was she wearing the flamebreaker suit?!
His heart nearly stopped for a second.
When Link tried to look again, she was out of sight.
Zelda is smart and resourceful, perfectly capable of fending for herself. Be calm. She held back the worst enemy possible for so long…cooking should be child’s play.
Underestimating her is an insult.
This reflection made him more at ease, so he decided to pick a book from a selection Zelda had left for him on the nightstand. As he distracted himself reading eagerly through the pages of a mythology book, Zelda entered the house, proud and triumphant, carrying a steaming pot in her hands.
'I made rice and beef for lunch and dinner, with veggies!’
Zelda helped him go to the first floor, so they could have lunch. The plates were wiped out of any food in minutes.
‘Your meal was really tasty, Zelda!’, he complimented her, considering serving himself seconds, 'Not bad at all for your first try’.
‘Thank you, dear’, she smiled cheerfully. 'I asked for help, actually’.
'I assume it was not Purah’, he guessed with a furrowed brow.
'Of course not’. Both coincided the Sheikah scientist in charge of a cooking pot would be a disaster. 'It was Ms. Uma, she is a really good teacher, and well versed in the stories of yore’.
'For your face I can see you had fun’. His heart filled with joy at her merry expression.
'I did’, she reassured him. 'I should check on your bandage, shall we?’
Zelda gathered some bandages, sat on the floor, and started checking his ankle. The swelling had reduced considerably.
'I am testing on you a salve I just made with Cool Safflina, white Chuchu jelly, and Armoranth’, she applied the ointment from a small pot, 'It should help with the swelling and ease the pain’.
‘Thank you’, he kissed her forehead, ‘for caring about this reckless man you live with, and I’m sorry for being an ass’.
'Apology accepted. I take care of you with pleasure, I couldn’t stand to lose you again’, she rested her head on his thigh for a moment, ‘lest to a bloody shingle’.
Her comment elicited a small chuckle and a pat on the head from him. She resumed her nursing labor, wrapping the new bandage on Link’s ankle.
‘I’ll try to be more careful’, he let her know, ‘I love you’.
She gave him a tender smile, and bright golden light surrounded them. Link felt a warmth spread to the injured area, and then, no more pain. No bruising, no swelling.
Zelda looked at her hands.
‘It seems… I healed you?’, she was incredulous at the event. She undid the bandage to check the vanished wound.
'You did, Zelda’, Link confirmed, as surprised as her.
‘The Goddesses have not given up on me, then’.
5:21 p.m. I have been blessed today by the Goddesses with the gift of healing. Maybe it was one of the powers I still had dormant inside me. The Golden Three surely have mysterious ways.
I think I need time to process things, in order to realize how to put my newfound power to good use, and how to trigger it at will (Mipha said she used to think about something to help her focus). After all, it can be just an isolated event.
Link thought adequate to inflict harm on himself to see if my power was still active. I convinced him reminding him of the promise he just had made of being more sensible and less of an ass.
Another newfound skill I obtained today is cooking. Ms. Uma kindly taught me the basics, after a disastrous first try on my own at the cooking pot outside the house. I tried to make seared meat and mushroom skewers, with the aid of the great flameblade to hasten the process. I wore the fireproof suit Link owns - safety first.
Despite my best effort, instead of juicy meat and crispy mushrooms, I obtained chunks of coal and burning grass. I even scared our horses. On the contrary, Link proved to be quite a heavy sleeper. So, after cleaning up the wreckage and putting the flameblade back on its place - to never ever put my hands on it again - I calmed and fed the horses, took off the flamebreaker suit, and departed to the communal cook. Recklessness is a no-no in cooking, as I learned today.
Fortunately, I had rendered useless a tiny amount of food - I had more than enough ingredients, considering my dearest Link’s appetite - so I arrived home victorious, carrying food made by myself. I earned praise from Link, but I think I have a long road ahead to improve my skill.
Tomorrow we depart to Kakariko Village. I’m so excited to see Impa again! I hope she doesn’t mind our delay.
Supper: Diced peach & strawberries with yoghurt, sorbet (pineapple, strawberry & peach), crushed walnuts and slivered almonds. I’m not sure what it was about this, but it had a weird aftertaste, maybe because some of the fruit wasn’t ripe enough before I froze it? I know it’s not the yoghurt, as I make sure to check that in advance. I think in future I’ll stick to freezing cherries, and turning the rest into nice cream/sorbet.
(I’m not sure whether I’ve sent this before, but there are just a ton of good ideas I’ve found lately…)
Basic nostalgic lunchbox sandwich:
- sliced bread
- sliced cheese
- sliced ham
Just butter the bread generously and add ham and cheese. This is the simplest recipe ever, but it hits all of my nostalgia buttons. Plus, you can make it a day in advance and it’ll still be just as tasty the next day, even if it stays out of the fridge.
Healthy and crunchy af (best consumed immediately):
- sliced bread
- cream cheese
- any seasonings you want
Toast the bread (and if you don’t have a toaster, a tray in the oven or a frying pan with no oil on the stove works just as well). Cut cucumber into slices. Add cream cheese to the bread, then cucumber, and season it to taste. Boom, done.
Crunchy, cheesy goodness:
- any kind of soft bread
- cream cheese (if you have access to requeijão, even better!)
- any roasted nuts/grains. My favorite is salty soybeans.
Add a generous layer of cream cheese to the bread. Sprinkle nuts. More cream cheese. Yum.
Italian fave (seriously, this is my favorite thing to eat, ever):
- bread with a crunchy crust (like a roll, or a baguette, or ciabatta, you get what I mean)
- sliced or shredded cheese
- seasonings: olive oil, Worcestershire sauce, salt, oregano (obviously you can modify this)
Chop up the tomato on a plate and season it generously. Let it sit while you cut open the bread and add a TINY bit of olive oil. Add tomato bits to the bread, then cheese, then more tomato bits. All the seasoning that’s at the bottom of the plate, pour it onto the other side of the bread (the lonely side with nothing on it). Close it up and enjoy!
One of my favorite family recipes! The flavors of chocolate and spice will probably be familiar, but if you’re looking for a different dessert to try, it’s their dense, almost sort of rubbery consistency that fits the bill. I hesitate to call it a cookie; there’s no common dessert I can really compare it to. Think if a chocolate spice cake and a tootsie roll had a baby.
anonymous: Question: Google, how do I boil an egg?
That is an odd question, User.
Of all the things that I am asked on a regular basis; this one has managed to catch me off guard. Nonetheless, I will instruct you on the most efficient method for boiling an egg.
You will first require a 6 to 12 eggs, preferably of the highest quality, a medium sized pot, a source of heat and a viable source of clean water. If you are unable to obtain any of those, you will be unable to complete your objective.
Should this problem arise, utilize the resources of any other nearby humans and do not bother with their attempts at resistance; you can simply silence them via blunt force trauma.
Once that is complete you will want to decontaminate your work space to the best of your ability and begin cooking.
Fill the pot with two inches of water and keep it on high heat for 13 minutes.
Once the allotted time has passed, run your eggs under cold water and peel them.
After you enjoy your meal, you may dispose of the mess you left behind in the process of cooking and seal the leftovers tightly.
You know, when we first invented FTL, we knew we would run into stuff we didn’t expect. We knew we’d find weird things. We even hoped we’d run into other sentient species that we could get along with. What we didn’t expect? Well, why don’t I pull up the datalog?
STABILIZATION COMPLETE. JUMP SUCCESSFUL.
“All right guys! We made it! Run diagnostics and note the time, we’ve gotta get back and share the-”
RADIO TRANSMISSION DETECTED.
“Um. Well. Computer, is the transmission in a legible format?”
UNKNOWN FORMAT. DIAGNOSTICS INITIATED.
“Okay then. Either aliens have been confirmed or someone is playing one hell of a prank. Anyone care t-”
“Not a prank, then. Well. That was faster than expected. We should probably head b-”
ANALYSIS COMPLETE. TRANSLATION READY FOR PLAYBACK.
“Ohhh-kay. Computer, play transmission.”
“Oi! You there! Yeah, you in the boring-ass gray ship! I dunno where you came from, but you’re not gonna beat us!”
“Oh. Well. Computer, can we send a reply?”
DATA FORMAT HAS BEEN REVERSE ENGINEERED.
“All right. Computer, reply with the following: “Captain Connor of the Human exploratory vessel NEBULA - 12 speaking. I’m…not entirely sure what you’re referring to.”
“Okay, this, is pro-”
“Cool, we got ourselves a freshie. All right…Con’nor or whatever your name was, here’s the deal: either you get your ass outta my way before I blast it away, or you stick yourself in my cargohold and help us out.”
“Computer, can this be done live?”
OPEN TRANSMISSION REQUESTED. TRANSMISSION ACCEPTED.
“Alrighty boys, looks like we got ourselves a talker. So what’ll it be, eh? Getting out of our way, turning into so much solar scrap, or hopping on board and helping us out?”
“I, uhhh, I-”
“C’mon, spit it out. Ain’t got all day!”
“What’s so important that you’re willing to just blast anyone nearby?”
“What, can’t ya see? You dropped right smack in the middle of my scanners.”
“My scanners! You know, blinky blinky so you can see farther than your damned eyes can?!”
“I could…move my ship. So it isn’t in the way?”
“FINALLY! Some sense! What’s it take these days, anyway? Ain’t nobody got any common sense.”
“Computer, set short range course to the far side of the ship we’re apparently conversing with.”
“About damned time! Now back to scanning. Got planets to find, commissions to make. Money makes the galaxy go, all that.”
“If I might ask…what exactly are you looking for?”
“Nothin’ much. Needed some good info from a client. Real’ secretive guy, doesn’t like people much. Told me I’d get it when I found something for ‘em.”
“Huh. Okay. What exactly was it he sent you for?”
“Got it here somewhere. Lemme see…looking for a planet made of…highly condense…ah, there’s the note. He wants me to find a planet made of diamond. I found a few of those already, apparently that wasn’t ‘nough. No, of course it wasn’t. ‘e sent me back out to find one with a moon made of, uh, what’d he say it was? Ah! Gravy, that’s what it was!”
“A moon made of…could you say that again?”
“Gravy. Not that hard is, it? Stupid cooking leftover made up as flavoring. Everyone makes the stuff, it’s damned obvious.”
“Huh. Okay then. I have a question for you.”
“Does the term ‘snipe hunt’ mean anything to you?“