the good thing I like about myself right now is that I dont have real expectations from this life any longer. These almost last two years have humbled me in such a way that I do not wait for anybody to win my heart, I don’t dream about any big career, I don’t have something that might shatter me if I don’t get it anytime soon. This does not mean that I am not working on myself, that I am not studying or never plan to get married. I am just kind of okay alhamdulillah with the things I have and if I get more in the future, then alhamdulillah for that and if not, alhamdulillah as well because I didn’t expect it from this life anyways.
The thing is, if you think about it - Sam never had 15 years of experiences to think about anything else. It makes sense that he went right back into Avery’s treasure because he had 15 years to himself and trying not to die in a cell to think about it. He didn’t know he was going to be released sooner than later, so all he had was time to think “what if we found what our mom was talking about?”
Nate had 15 years, as well as three ancient cities, a girlfriend, then a wife, Sully and so many people and all the time to move on from what happened. He never talked about it and never looked back on Henry Avery. When Sam came back that was all he cared about. He didn’t care about Avery’s treasure, he was done with that, but he did it for Sam.
At the end when he found out that Alcazar was a lie, all he wanted was to go home. Sam on the other hand was in sight of the treasure he was looking for and thinking about his entire life. The treasure his mother was looking for, the treasure they built up towards as a family, him and nate, they were so close to the most sentimental thing in the world for him and he wasn’t going to let it slip.
So I don’t think it was greed or selfishness that drove Sam. He is way more complex than that.
Tak ingin seperti sebelumnya, aku tak lagi ingin menyandarkan kebahagiaan pada diriku sendiri. Sebab nyatanya, kebahagiaan itu datang bukan semata-mata karena aku yang memperjuangkan, tapi karena Allah yang menakdirkannya demikian. Bukankah sebelumnya ada yang diperjuangkan matang-matang tapi hilang dan terlepas dari genggaman meski rasanya tak masuk di akal? Adalah Allah yang maha mengetahui bagaimana cara terbaik untuk membuat jiwa seorang manusia sepertiku berbahagia.
Tak ingin seperti sebelumnya, aku tak lagi ingin meletakkan kuasa memilih pada tanganku. Sebab nyatanya, aku memang tidak pernah benar-benar memilih. Aku dipilihkan oleh-Nya meski samar-samar seolah aku yang berupaya. Siapa kiranya yang memudahkanku mempertimbangkan? Siapa kiranya yang meluluhkan hatiku hingga akhirnya menjatuhkan pilihan? Siapa kiranya yang mencairkan setiap kelu di balik lidahku? Siapa kiranya yang menerjunkan ketenangan pada hatiku selepas mengatakan apa yang aku pilih? Adalah Allah dibalik semua itu, tanpa-Nya aku tak bisa apa-apa.
Tak ingin seperti sebelumnya, aku tak lagi ingin menyandarkan apa-apa yang akan terjadi di depan pada upaya-upaya manusia. Sebab, sekuat apapun manusia ingin membuat aku bahagia, jika itu tidak sesuai apa yang dikehendaki-Nya, tentu setiap harapan tidak akan terwujud sebagai mana keinginannya. Bagaimana pun, manusia hanya bisa membuat dan mengupayakan rencana, hasil akhir tetap ada dalam genggaman-Nya.
Tak ingin seperti sebelumnya, aku tak lagi ingin bertuhan pada rencana dan milestone hidup yang aku punya. Sebab, seharusnya aku memang hanya membuat rencana untuk menyesuaikan diri dengan rencana-Nya, bukan sebaliknya. Aku tak ingin jatuh pada lubang yang sama dan merasakan betapa bodohnya menganggap rencana seolah nyata.
Allah, atas apa-apa yang sekarang sedang aku hadapi dan yang akan terjadi di depan, buatlah aku menggantungkan harap kepada-Mu saja, mudahkanlah aku untuk menjalankan peranku dengan benar tanpa harus sok tahu dan merebut peran-Mu, lapangkanlah hatiku untuk menerima ketetapan, dan bahagiakanlah hatiku sebagaimana kehendak-Mu terhadap aku.
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. the one on the left was the first to leave his fingerprints on your throat. he has hair the color of south carolina sand and eyes that make you think about how it must feel to drown, how it must be one of the worst possible ways to die. the one on the right was the second to arrive. he’s the love seat at your dad’s house, comfortable and familiar. he has hands that look like they could carry the couch by themselves with you sitting on top of it. you’d like to see him try.
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. you’re listening to a lecture about american fiscal policy but the only money supply you care about is the price that you’re paying by being the window that separates the boy on the left from the boy on the right. you wish you were somewhere else, on a plane headed to the Atlantic or knee-deep in dirt. you want to know what was buried underneath their feet, before all of this pain, and you’re scared to find out so you work without tools; that way it’ll take longer. do you really want to know what’s waiting for you?
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. here’s the joke; you don’t actually love either of them. you love the attention they’re so good at handing you. you love the way the boy on the left remembers what books you’ve been meaning to read and you love the way the boy on the right gives you nicknames. you love until your fingers bleed, until it’s a silent car at 4am just trying to get home safely. the boy on the right said he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you. he lied. he happened to you. so did the boy on the left.
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. they look through you, the glass window in a burning room. it’s ironic that panic buttons cease to matter if everything’s already up in flames. worrying is useless when you’ve let two things happen to you and neither of them care about burning buildings unless they have something that they care about inside. so you burn.
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. the one on the left has his feet on your chair and his hands are around your neck. that was a lie. a half-truth. his hands may not be around your neck but that doesn’t stop you from choking. the one on the right is blind to the effect that the boy on the left has on you. you would blame all of this on the bystander effect if anybody had been watching you lose your breath. but they weren’t. so it isn’t.
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. the one on the left has lips that have graced the bodies of enough girls to raise an army. you know you’ll never join the battalion but you armor up anyways. the one on the right, you’re unsure of. he’s a question mark that never stops asking. three people in the dark fumbling for a light switch that may or may not exist, depending on the day of the week. somebody is wearing armor. who is wearing the armor?
you’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. you hate how much timing plays a role in living. you know that if you met the boy on the left in five years it would be different in the way that the movie adaptation is never quite what the novel was. progress wouldn’t be impossible, you’d make out to quentin tarantino movies and listen to npr every time you drove to the library. if you met the boy on the right in five years you’d click instantly, a lamp in a cave. a candle in a bedroom. but it’s not five years in the future. it’s now. the timing is bad. and neither of them are yours because of it.
you’re sitting in between two boys and neither of them love you. and that is the circle around your windpipe. the beginning and the end in one solitary breath.
➳ Pairing: None (for now, this is just an experimental drabble)
➳ Warnings:Mentions of choking (not in a sexual way, come on cx)
➳Word count: 556
↠ A/N: This is literally just a v short, experimental drabble as I dabble and mess around with this AU, so I hope you like whatever this was~ This was also a lot harder than I thought, so I’d really really love feedback on this! ↞
The sharp, deafening scraping of glistening metal against scratched up tiled floors.
A piercing laugh laced with such hysteria, the frightening sound echoing off the empty, cold walls. Screeching, endless, his myrtle green hair sprawled out onto the mattress as he lays there, head cocking mechanically to the left. His vermilion lips, tongue darting out sporadically along their cracked length, the insanity shining in the brown ocean of his eyes, a dangerous glint ever present in his pupils.
“Hm…” He lifts a finger, pressing down on his lower lip in curiosity, sitting up, his head still tilted as his eyes dart around the stark white walls.
“They could do with some colour in here, no sense of design, honestly,” he throws his arms up with another menacing giggle, the walls of the asylum room continuing to keep him trapped, contained, a danger to society - as they called him - has to be kept away.
Though - he reckoned - he could escape this drab building at any time he pleased, but that would be no fun, would it?
He enjoys toying with the countless psychiatrists they send his way, his piercing, deliciously inquisitive gaze making them shudder uncomfortably in their “safe” seats, a “safe” distance away from him, yet another giggle slipping past his lips as he watches their clueless probing with such amusement.
They all seem to think they can… cure him.
Silly, silly doctors.
He did away with them quickly, once he grew bored, his lips stretching into that smirk they knew so well as his hands constricted around their necks, his eyebrow cocked questioningly as they pleaded him with their hands and their gazes, their eyes rolled far back into their own heads before the guards could enter in time.
Silly. All of them.
And so he lays within the bleached sheets, the smell of disinfectant wafting into his nose constantly as his ears zone in on the clattering footsteps down the hall, fading and reappearing once again, his body silently wracking with crazed laughter as usual, unnaturally pale skin blending in against the walls.
The footsteps stop, and he cocks his head, his legs swinging over the side of the bed curiously, eyes trained on the creaking door in front of him. His lips curl up yet again at the sight, a guard with a suspicious gaze stepping in, the new psychiatrist stood just behind him, her gaze indifferent yet a flash of the fear he knew all too well hidden beneath her pretty eyes.
“Taehyung?” The guard croaked, clearing his throat as another guard steps in beside him, approaching, ready to restrict him and escort him once again.
“Hm… new psych? This should be interesting…” Taehyung stands, arms swinging aimlessly as he outstretches one sickly pale hand for you to shake, eyes boring a hole into your skull as he waits expectantly.
“Geez, everyone lacks manners these days…” He dramatically sighs after a few seconds of waiting, laughter creeping back into his tone as his hand drops by his side again, tugging on his baggy clothes with a grimace.
“Enough funny business, clown,” the first guard grunts, moving over to lock Taehyung’s arm in his burly hand, but not before the clown taps the guard on the shoulder, eyes gleaming psychotically, his lips parting as he speaks.
Hari ini, lihatlah bahwa matahari tidak lupa naik dan meninggi untuk mengabarkan bahwa harimu masih ada, ia pun tidak lupa turun dan merendah untuk memberimu ruang mengistirahatkan raga. Semuanya tidak terjadi tersebab tombol otomatis yang entah dimana letaknya. Allahlah yang ada dibalik terjadinya. Jika bukan untuk mencukupkan hidupmu, apa lagi? Lantas, mengapa kamu menghakimi hidup dan menganggap Allah tidak adil hanya karena atas apa-apa yang kamu tunggu, Dia memintamu menunggu lagi sebentar saja?
Sejak dulu sampai dengan hari ini, tema hidupmu tak pernah sedih seluruhnya, tak pernah juga bahagia seluruhnya. Sedih dan bahagia dipergulirkan-Nya di kehidupanmu agar kamu mendewasa sedemikian rupa dan memperbaiki pola-polamu dalam berpikir, bertindak, dan merasa. Allah menyelamatkanmu dalam segala suasana, hingga tak pernah rasanya Dia meninggalkanmu dalam keadaan yang tidak berdaya. Lantas, mengapa kamu menangisi hidup hanya karena atas apa-apa yang penting bagimu, Dia memintamu bersabar lagi sedikit saja?
Dalam keadaan apapun, hidup tak pernah bermaksud menjerumuskan atau menghakimimu sedemikian rupa. Sebab, dengan semua itu Allah hanya ingin mengabarkanmu bahwa jika bersama-Nya maka semua akan baik-baik saja. Sayang-Nya tak pernah hilang hanya karena harimu tak sedang lapang, cinta-Nya tak akan lekang hanya karena gelapnya jalan di depan, dan kebaikan-Nya tak pernah berhenti hanya karena Dia sedang mengajari kita perihal sakit hati. Lantas, mengapa kecewa kepada-Nya hanya karena atas pintamu dalam doa-doa, Dia memintamu menguatkan lagi keikhlasan sedikit saja?
Allah memberimu segala padahal yang diminta-Nya kepadamu tak seberapa. Allah mencukupkanmu semua yang tak sependek akalmu sebagai manusia. Allah melimpahkan semua dan menjamin kebutuhan tanpa perlu diminta. Lantas, mengapa marah kepada-Nya hanya karena Dia memintamu untuk menunggu, bersabar, bersyukur, dan berserah lagi sedikit lebih lama?
There’s a storm coming, I can feel it in my bones and in my chest like the lightning is already there. I keep imagining that I see fires burning on the horizon, and I have to remind myself that they killed you years ago.
But if I could take your hand in mine, I would, even if it burned my skin black.