constitution fail

There are no rules

My boyfriend DM’s a group of our friends and created a homemade Cyberpunk game, complete with custom classes. I’m a hacker, there’s a theif, a sergeant, and a doctor. For some background, we wake up from cryogenic sleep into a zombie apocalypse and are forced to play a survival game by this black orb. The DM made the mistake of giving me an overpowered arm modification, called doomfist, that let me punch through walls.

Me: Can I talk to Lamar?
DM: Do a constitution saying throw
Me: *Fails*
DM: He picks you up and throws you into the wall, you take 22 damage.
Sergeant: oh he’s dead, no one hurts my team
After the battle
Sergeant: I’m gonna cut his head off and take it with me, last thing we need is it crawling back together.
DM: but.. I.. uh.. Okay

Sometime later

DM: All the doors lock and a poisonous gas begins to fill the room
Me (hacker): I’ve still got charges on my Doomfist, so I’ll punch through the wall
DM: But, I *begins to laugh as all his plans fly out the window* okay

Later we are interrogating the man in charge
Me: Well, I give up. He won’t give us any information, so let’s just put him in the room with Lamar. He’s not in his machine that controls the place anymore.
DM: You know what!? I’m done, you guys messed everything up, just have your tanks too!

And the rest of the session was utter nonsense as I ran around in a spider tank, the sergeant had a regular tank, the doctor had a monster baby eating people, and the their crawled though the vents at will.

When you pray for a nat 1

I’m known for my horrible rolls, so much so that my level 7 cleric in 5th ed was unable to kill a single kobold. (She was thereafter known as Sefris, the almost-kobold killer)

Fast forward two campaigns later and I’m now a wizard. My group and I (another wizard, a sorcerer, and a fighter) had recently finished fighting off a giant crocodile (which had eaten me, forcing me to blast a hold through its side to get out) and were now being attacked by lizard men on our barge.

Before I even have a chance to attack (lowest initiative roll), a lizard man stabs me, putting me down for the count.

I fail my first saving throw (of course).

The sorcerer, safe in the barge’s steering cabin, casts thunder wave, not realizing my prone body is lying in the radius.

DM: Keyleth (me), roll on constitution.

I fail (of course).

DM: You take two fails and your body is flung off the barge.

Me: Well, that’s me dead.

Sorcerer: Wait, what? I thought you still had a saving throw (obviously, he hadn’t been paying attention).

After everyone protests, the DM finally gives in. Knowing my penchant for failing rolls, he gives me these terms: nat 1 and I only take one fail; nat 20 and I explode.

I roll a nat 20.

The explosion causes a hole in the barge and a fire in the trees. The rest of the group almost dies.

The dice gods must have a sense of humour.

Don't Do Drugs, Kids. A cautionary tale about the temporary lumbersexual.

So, we had gotten downtime because one of our players had to go leave temporarily for a thing.

So naturally we THOUGHT we’d do whatever until she came back (crafting, shopping, drinking, etc.)


In our last session, our gnome wizard and elf cleric had completely botched the creation of a love potion. The contents of the potion fell into a fire pit and our Wood Elf Sorceress, Mimi failed her constitution saving throw to resist its effects IN WHICH SHE HAD ADVANTAGE.

Gunslinger (Me): Mimi, are you alright?
Mimi: The trees~
Everyone else (including the DM): Oh fuck.

She became enamored with the trees, and caused us to fail multiple ability check encounters. So naturally, we locked her in her room in the Tavern.

Two problems.

- One: The tavern was made of wood. She inmediately flew into a panic and I, the gunslinger had to knock her out cold, and pay the innkeeper to not let her leave the inn. You know. For safety reasons.
- Two: She had. A fucking. Disguise Kit.

Gunslinger: We should probably check on Mimi.
Warlock: Yeah, sure.
DM: You open the door, and you see that Mimi is gone.
Warlock: I’m not a ranger, but can I try tracking her?
DM: Sure. Roll for Perception
Warlock: 14?
DM: Nothing has really changed about the room, and her footprints dont lead out of the room. You cant track the prints to her, as there a footprints all around the room.
Warlock: Anton.
Gunslinger: Yeah?
Warlock: She’s still in here.
Gunslinger: Ah, shit.

After multiple failed attempts because of a shitty loophole that where she disguised herself as a part the room and got advantages on stealth, I gave up.

Gunslinger: Fuck it! I dont care anymore. I’m gonna go drink.
Warlock: Same.

Two IRL hours later the player who brb’d came back. And conveniently, the effects of the drug subsided.

Mimi(who is completely naked, in her room): Why is there a branch in my vagina?
Gunslinger: Because drugs are bad, and I’d sooner shoot myself than keep looking for you foR TWO HOURS.

Moral of the story is: don’t do drugs and use it as an excuse to fuck with your friends.

Craven Edge

Craven Edge (never Bacon) is the first sentient sword encountered by Vox Machina, and we’ve gotten some questions about it.  Here’s what we know:

  • It’s a sentient great sword, one that appears to have a taste for power at the expense of others. If we had to guess its alignment with just the present data, we’d say Chaotic Evil.
  • It has an obsidian, curved blade (via Twitter) that Matt described recently on Twitter.
  • Whether it’s sheathed or unsheathed matters. A sword can’t influence or control someone who refuses to wield it.  Also, when Craven Edge is unsheathed, it gives the wielder advantage on intimidation checks (Ep37, 3:42:08-via @dragonmustang01.)
  • Grog had to take a Wisdom Save to avoid hurting Jeffrey against Craven’s Charisma modifier plus 12 (Conflict, DMG p216). Considering that 14 saved, we assume that Craven Edge has a CHA of 14 or less.
  • Absorbs blood on it (one might say it drinks blood, like a certain former wielder…)
  • Deals 2d6 damage (plus wielder’s strength modifier, +2 base damage as magic weapon) Thanks to an anon critter for the Periscope time stamp!
  • Victims have to make DC 12 Constitution Save.  If they fail, Craven Edge draws a point of strength from the victim and the wielder gains it (up to STR 25) until next short rest.
  • When the wielder reaches STR 25, Craven Edge transforms into a larger, more jagged-edged weapon.  Each successful hit deals an additional 2d6 necrotic damage.
  • Grog had to make a Wisdom Save to attempt to put down Craven Edge to use the Firebrand Warhammer.  He failed it with a 10.  After his confrontation with Earthbreaker Groon, it will be interesting to see what has changed on this front, if anything.

Thanks to @dragonmustang01 and @Kahre_the_duck, here are the times Craven Edge and Grog chatted:

  • Episode 36 (0:50:40-0:53:00) Grog accepts Craven Edge as his new sword
  • Episode 37 (1:41:26-1:44:12) Craven Edge encourages Grog to kill Daxio’s servant, Jeffrey, and Grog has to make a Wisdom Save to withhold….Craven is annoyed.
  • Episode 38 (0:31:04) Grog executes Daxio, and Craven Edge is pleased that they now see eye to eye (Grog: I don’t see you anywhere.)
  • Episode 39 (0:13:29) Craven Edge wants to kill, Grog is too far away and has to use the Javelin of Lightning.
  • Episode 39 (1:36:26) Craven gets to slice open a worm (and slice Vax’ildan unconscious) and commends Grog.
  • Episode 39 (3:35:55) Craven Edge thinks dragon sounds delicious.
  • Episode 43 (3:35:15) Grog tries to use the Firebrand Warhammer, Craven is enraged, Grog fails a Wisdom Save and picks Craven Edge back up.
  • Episode 45 (0:56:05) Grog chats with Craven about Craven’s motivations.
Armor to rust

Money to be made | To the Rowboat! 

DM: "The ship is sinking, you all have managed to get in the rowboat and pull the Chef in.“

Knight: “I take off my armor so I won’t sink if the boat tips over.”

Scout: “I think I just saw someone on another rowboat murder one of the sailors that neared that boat.”

Everyone: “……”

Knight: “I put my armor back on.”

Rogue: “Someone row, I’ll keep my bow on them in case they get too close.”

-some time later-

DM: “You managed to get away.”

Chef: “What do we have to eat and drink?”

Everyone:  *puts their rations together, half of it was spoiled from being in the salt water*

Knight: “Here, I have a wineskin we can share from.”

DM: .“Roll Wisdom.”

Knight: *fails*

Everyone else: *succeeds*

Rogue: “Yeah, no, I’ll stick with water.”

Knight: “Well, fine, more for me.”

DM: “Roll Constitution.”

Knight: *fails*

Rogue (OOC): “You’re now pissed drunk.”

DM: “Pretty much, yeah.”

Rogue (OOC): “And I’m taking this chance to steal the affections and loyalty of his dog.”

Wish is a hell of a spell.

So a little background: I am DM for a campaign of five first time players. They’ve all been very excited to play, but one of my players has died literally every session so far. This happened at the end of our session just the other day. The guy’s current character is a High Elf named Asriel.

Epheram (Human Fighter): (ooc) Oh my god. Asriel didn’t die. What the actual fuck.
Jebeddo (Gnome Ranger): (ooc) DM! Make him roll to survive!
*Whole party, including Asriel, agrees*
Me: Okay, roll… I don’t know… Constitution, I guess?
*crit fail*
Me: Okay, so, umm. You guys successfully complete the campaign, and everyone lives happily ever after. Unfortunately, in a couple thousand years, Asriel’s great great great granddaughter wishes that her brother was never born. Asriel, turns out those berries Jebeddo found earlier are actually incredibly poisonous to High Elves. You fall to the ground and die.
*Whole party loses it*

Bear With Me Here

So, we’re playing what is planned to be a one-off campaign. I’m DMing and my friend is playing a druid. My other friend is playing an alcoholic pirate who has had 59 ex-boyfriends.

Me: And how about you? Do you have any experience with relationships?

Kauri (Druid):…Not with humans.

Me: So, with like, what?

Kauri: I like bears.


Me: While you’re meditating in the forest, a bear approaches and sniffs at you.

Kauri: I turn into a bear. And can we just like, skip forward an hour?

Me: *Jaw drops* …

Me: …I wonder if you get pregnant. Roll a constitution saving throw.

Kauri: *Fails*

Me: You’re pregnant.

Kauri: So, how exactly does this work? Like what happens when I turn back into a human?

Me: …That’s a good question. Roll a luck check.

Kauri: *Nat 20*

Me: You have kids immediately.

It’s upsetting and frightening to me when police, who are sworn to uphold the law, which comes directly from our Constitution, fail to respect (intentionally or otherwise) the very fundamental rights and freedoms it gives us.

I have a constitutional right to a gun, but not a car.

I have a constitutional right to a gun, but not certain breeds of dog.

I have a constitutional right to a gun, but not a college education.

I have a constitutional right to a gun, but not sick leave.

The constitution has failed us. It failed the children of Sandy Hook and Columbine. It failed moviegoers in Aurora. It failed the African-American churchgoers in Charleston. It has failed countless other times, and now it has failed the LGBTQ+ community in Orlando.

The problem is not the mental state of our citizenry. The problem is our constitution.

I love how Rhode Island just didn’t show up for the Constitutional Convention like, “you guys are figuring out the future of the nation? ehhh sorry I’ve got plans.“ Like what better thing did he have to do? Forget Hamilton, I want a play about this guy’s life.

Bernie Sanders once again displaying his complete and utter ignorance of reality. This is obviously not how the Supreme Court works and as a friend of mind pointed out is exactly why the constitution failed to constrain government. To quote Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia:

“If the Courts are free to write the Constitution anew, they will, by God, write it the way the majority wants; the appointment and confirmation process will see to that. This, of course, is the end of the Bill of Rights, whose meaning will be committed to the very body it was meant to protect against: the majority. By trying to make the Constitution do everything that needs doing from age to age, we shall have caused it to do nothing at all.”

cinnamonrollbucky  asked:


challenge accepted. Canon Laurent this time (i had some modern!AU somewhere, let me dig it up)

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satanbird  asked:

Btw maybe this is just me but I /really/ don't like the idea that certain gems "dominate" the personality of a fusion. I think each gem contributes in their own way.

thats true i suppose for a stable fusion.  i  see fusion as two minds that come together to  create a  new mind entirely  so it’s like 3 minds in one body  depending on the  constitute  gems, if one of the constitute gems  fails to  maintain synchronization or disagrees with their  partner the fusion can fall apart  similar to stevonnie in beach city drift or garnet in keeping it together evident  by garnet talking to herself and stevonnie literally loosing her cool 

like here you can see steven whose concern for jasper is overwhelming. He looses his cool and smoky starts to fall apart. 

But in some fusions   there are dominating gems, albeit unstable fusions.