When you’re doing your exercise, you can be thinking, “I hate exercise.” Or, you can think or say something like, “I am strong” or, “My body is working with balance and flexibility.” Or, “I stand for success and move forward with positive anticipation.” Or, “I love my body.” Or, simply use your mind to observe and experience what you are doing and feeling rather than dictating stuff. But please don’t stick to “I hate exercise” if it shows up for you as an option. Practice looking for things to be positive about and feel good about and you will tend to be positive and feel good.
summary: being just classmates is not enough for him, but you only get to understand that after his lips had reached yours.
⨯Genre: frat boy!au
|a wave of fluffiness at the end
⨯ Pairing: Jaehyun / Reader
⨯Word count: 9 575
⨯a/n: lowkey inspired—and enlightened—by study sessions from @honeytaeyongthough mine is not as good as hers (god bless you and your writing). Special thanks to my pumpkin @suhsexual for endure endless requests for help. There may be some grammatical mistakes left so I apologise in advance. Oh, yes, there may be a part 2 ;)
⨯ warnings: mature content, language (not actually dirty talking)
You’d been first, it was a relief. The number one
exposed in that piece of sheet made your heart flutter little by little, and
then you smiled. How sincere and truthful was it, the small grin drawn on your
face, transforming your previous anxious expression in something completely
lighted and amused. After broken hearts and desperate tears, being ranked as first place was one of the few things
that could possibly turn out to be great in your eyes. You blinked. It was
there, the one.
The elder woman
in front of you—an old professor in the university; someone with an enviable
knowledge—rested her hand on your shoulder. She had an odd aura around her;
something completely comforting, which was not expectable from someone
extremely rigorous. The professor took a deep breath and twinkled.
“You did great, again.” She said. Her voice tone was
apathetic, but she managed to show some kind of happiness after a smirk. “If
you keep doing like this, you may get in the rank of all courses.” Then she
clapped her hands. “It’s something to think about.” And touched her own head
with an index finger.
That hadn’t been
your main focus, however. The ranks were just something to fulfil the emptiness
you felt inside your being, as something really important was missing. At first
you concluded it could be all about the end of you three-year relationship; you
really had loved him, and that was
something you didn’t doubt about. It was crystal clear you’d felt the most
intense of all feelings, because you’d wished him well, you’d wished him to be
close to you, and you’d wished—and deeply wished—for him to like you back in
the same level. Although in the end of all, he didn’t. And that’s when you’d
felt on the surface of a limitless ocean, slowly drifting away from the only
land that held you—and your emotions—still. He had left you in the farthest
blind spot possible, without a plausible reason. Were you supposed to be fine?
In the very beginning you had even thought it could work out: you could deal
with the situation. Oh, but you had been wrong.
And then you had
cried for hours. An intense pain burning inside you for days—afterward days
became weeks, and weeks became months. In the end of the third month, after the
breakup, you’d realised he wasn’t what filled your soul. The guy whom you
dated, and eventually developed feelings for, was just a part of a puzzle you
hadn’t had the chance to complete yet. Something bigger was missing; finally
you’d gotten to the point when your vision had become clear again and the
monochromatic colours of life had turned out to be, actually, the colours of
the rainbow. You were free of angst. You were mature enough to understand that
the only person you needed was you—but
you also knew that it did not mean you forgot your past experiences, it meant
you could love yourself entirely.
From that moment, what could possibly make you feel satisfied was your own success, so you’d looked for
it. And you’d achieved your goals.
You looked down
to the paper again. The #1 on the top
made you feel ease. You folded the note and gathered the rest of your things,
packed them up inside you backpack and calmly walked out of the enormous
auditorium. The semester ended in the best way possible, and you were happy
with what you obtained. The professor politely asked you to close the door
behind you, but before you could do so, someone held it. The blond haired boy
gave you a small smile and waited for you to exit the ambient so he could shut
the entryway. You nodded, as an acknowledgement, and turned on your heels so
you could finally go home, yet a hand touched your free shoulder obligating you
to shift back and face the person.
The boy said. “You got first place again.”
“Thank you,” you’d begun, searching in your memory for the name of the guy in front of you. The
information you had was his physical appearance and his voice, which didn’t
sound so familiar. So it took you more effort, causing you to look deep inside
his eyes and drive you gaze to his smile. You suddenly knew who he was and the
sort of fame he had. You smirked at the thought that he was talking to you. “Hum, Jaehyun.”
You wish that things will eventually get better. You hope that one day you’re not that sad anymore. But sweetheart, listen, you can’t just lay in bed or stay in your room all day while hoping things will get better just like that.
Honey, you need to put some effort to make it happen.
Dress up, go to the park, breathe some fresh air, look at the pretty flowers, catch the butterflies. Let your inner you feel free from after all this time locking yourself away.
Dress up, go to the library, pick a novel, spend hours there, bring your brain to places, let the words inspire you. Let your minds be free after being stressed all these time.
Dress up, go out there, this big bad world isn’t that big bad after all if you find something good for you in it. Let yourself free in this big bad world. Distract yourself from the sadness you’ve tangled to, let go of the things that’ll let you down, spread that beautiful smile of yours, give your eyes a break from flowing tears by seeing new beautiful things.
Give yourself a break honey, you’ve been through a lot. You deserve so much in this world (sitiiiinrhlz)
Note: this is the basic, natural manifestation of intercepted planets, but it isn’t permanent. You’re able to heal and move forward from these issues.
Sun: The ego is misplaced, and drives the native inconsistently – personal or impersonal reactions & decisions don’t arise in the appropriate contexts. Identity will be poorly defined and the native will feel lost in their sense of self, not having direction or an accurate perception of what makes them unique. They can be indecisive and easily confused, lacking solid framework of personality to build their lives upon. Experiences can be wasted, as not everything will be filtered through their “being” properly. They won’t understand their role or place in the world and will often feel alienated. Extreme self-esteem issues will arise as a result of poor self-image, absent self-awareness, and an inability to self-express. They don’t give themselves room to grow, and may stagnate in a pattern of reflection of others, isolation and limitation, causing decontexualized perception of self to separate them from their past and their potential; they float in hazy misunderstanding of what it means to be themselves, and can’t progress.
Moon: The emotions will not have a safe resting place within the native, and there will constantly be a sense of “looking in” on how they feel from a detached outside perspective. They won’t understand the source of their emotions, will have little positive experience of sharing them, and will not have a close connection to their own inner self, so expression will seem impossible. Blank, directionless, or vapid thoughts typically fill their mind without external stimulation because interior richness is stifled. May have trouble with memories and imagination. A painful lack of self-nurturance permeates their life. Intimacy and empathy are heavy, uncomfortable, perhaps even distressing. They filter their feelings through a “normalcy standard” that they fabricated through observation, and it limits their self-understanding because they feel a constant inner discomfort which alienates them from themselves. They handle themselves impersonally, and that lack of self-compassion is damaging.
Mercury: Rational intellectual activity is blocked by splintered thinking & inconsistent logic (due to the vitality and style of the mind being suppressed). Original thoughts and ideas are dismissed out of a lack of a sense of mental uniqueness. Logical complexities take considerable attention, time, and careful conscious energy to comprehend. Learning may be stunted. Communication is highly difficult because the native struggles to find their personal voice, and ideas must be sorted out before spoken (making writing easier than speech). Often feels misunderstood, may need to find unconventional ways to communicate with others in order to feel heard. They may also misunderstand others and lack the social sophistication to understand complex use of language, although they have their own complex use of it. There’s a barrier between what is natural for them and what is natural for everyone else. They are enclosed within their own mind, scrambling to build a bridge between it & others’.
Venus: Values and personal taste are inconsistent, ill-defined, or based in external influences; individuality can’t be expressed through style, so the native feels poorly represented in the world. They may doubt their positive qualities or physical attractiveness and feel highly insecure about their appearance, status, material possessions, or wealth. Their priorities won’t be well organized and this will negatively impact relationships. The native won’t have an accurate perception of where they stand with others, nor how they behave when in love. They will have trouble expressing love and committing, as their desires tend not to be very stable (due to lack of self-awareness and self-acceptance). Creativity is blocked, so they will have many good ideas but no way to execute them, which can cause a feeling of being ‘trapped’ in an inability to express. They will feel disconnected from others, and their love will likely be conditional because purity of emotion is difficult to access due to their tendency to over-analyze and misconstrue social contexts & dynamics. They may lack solid ideals.
Mars: Self-assertion will be severely limited, and the native’s personal power will be tightly reined with extreme effort (consciously or not). Strong emotions and ambitions are repressed. The native spends much time convincing themselves not to take action, carefully suppressing impulses. Overt passion or anger are embarrassing for the native; they’ve been taught that intensity in expression is unwelcome, for whatever reason. Bottling it increases its strength, so emotional responses typically have a hostile edge. Passivity can become a habit, reducing the native’s reactivity, direction, defense mechanisms, and ability to cope with confrontation to an unhealthy extent. They mute & slow themselves. They feel as if they were not born with the innate ability to protect themselves, so they may have an anxious, defensive disposition due to inflated survival drive. Instincts and intuition confuse the native, and they shy away from risks. More inclined toward flight rather than fight. They may be scared of or uninterested in sex.
Jupiter: Expansion turns inward; the native may feel as if they have a hard time keeping up with themselves. They will feel like the world is harsh on them specifically and their luck is absent, weak, or selective – a general sense of being underprivileged will arise. They grow rapidly, but much of it feels inconsequential (& may be discarded) due to not having an adequate way to express their personal wisdom; what they learn is held inside, and they will resent their inability to share their insight. They may feel like they possess a wealth of knowledge or truth but that they cannot access it, which negatively affects their confidence and enjoyment of life. Their perception of what they deserve is warped, so they may be extremely selfish or selfless. Trust is difficult for them, and they may be skeptics or become arrogantly opposed to things they disagree with because they can’t grasp relative morality or the concept of personal journeys; they are terrified of universal truths not existing.
Saturn: Self-restriction and personal limitations take place without the native understanding their source or necessity. The lessons within difficult life experiences will be lost on them because they don’t maturely analyze their shortcomings or wounds. Their flaws could be their downfall because they easily become complacent; it’s unlikely for them to fully heal from pain because they don’t learn from it first. Ambitions seem too far away to achieve, so they are often unwilling to try. It’s difficult for them to find their inner strength, but they can’t build healthy structures in their life until they do. They may lack dignity, humility, or responsibility, which is ultimately a form of self-sabotage. Self-control is warped as well, leaving them either under self-tyranny or self-anarchy, never feeling secure in their “personal code” & regulation of themselves, not knowing what they should allow into their lives or what they should not. This affects their identity and they may adapt to a circumstance or pattern that is unhealthy, just to try to feel comfortable in who they are and “pick a life to lead.” They rush, and often make the wrong choice because of it.
Uranus: The native will be disconnected from a drive for moral action; it is difficult for them to maintain strong beliefs, values, and principles, and even when they manage to do so, they lack the courage to validate or integrate them. A lack of courage is the overarching theme – they are afraid to rebel, afraid to stand out, afraid to go against the current. This is because original thinking and unapologetic individuality was not encouraged in early life, but rather they were punished for being “different” or more so rewarded for aligning with authority to the point where it was painfully futile to protest or even disagree. Conformity becomes a weakness because the native doesn’t understand that it isn’t required, and can’t access or discover a way to openly be themselves.
Neptune: The subconscious realm is ignored and never explored, leaving the native with a self-unawareness that can’t be eradicated. They rely too heavily on logic or conscious rational thought; they often become the “see it to believe it” type of people and completely disregard their intuition & higher mind, which can cause great despair and a feeling of being lost or alone in their lives. They don’t trust themselves, they neglect their spiritual needs, and scramble to satisfy a deep inner longing that they don’t understand. Feeding the starved soul with oblivious superficial pleasures only makes the hunger worse, but they don’t see this. They may also lack the ability to be genuinely empathetic, and can be socially inept due to not being open to powerful spiritual connections with others.
Pluto: Transformation ravages the ego & “rattles the chain” of the native’s anchor in their own personal world. Intense depth – whatever its nature – can be unbelievably damaging to their whole psyche (especially their subconscious) because they resist it and refuse to understand its power and truth. They will be rather fragile and helpless during difficult times, and they won’t have the backbone to confront their wounds or problems. Circumstances and other people (especially hostile manipulators) get the best of them. By being unwilling to develop the courage or take action to defend and improve, they relinquish all their power to forces that wish to harm them, and then
in their self-ignorance cannot fathom why they’re so often hurt by the world.