trembling hands, Connor turned the key and stepped inside his house. The blinds
were still down, which was odd considering it was almost noon.
swallowed hard before he called out, “Dad?” His voice was still a bit husky.
didn’t receive an answer, he repeated his question. A sigh came from the
kitchen, followed by a clink. Connor clenched and unclenched his fists and took
a deep breath before making his way there. He felt like he was heading straight
into a lion’s den.
his father sitting by the kitchen table with an empty glass and a bottle of
whiskey that was only half full. Fuck.
Adam usually never drank liquor, only beer. This was bad, really fucking bad.
Connor asked again in a thin voice.
Not even looking
up, Adam said, “Just go to your room.”
confused, Connor furrowed his eyebrows. “Wha-,“ He began but he was cut off by
your room,” Adam repeated and poured himself another glass of alcohol.
no idea what was going on. His coming out would have explained his father’s
drinking but Jordan had told him he kicked him out, so this whole ‘go to your
room’ thing just wasn’t making any sense. “Dad, we need to talk,” Connor said
quietly yet firmly.
looking at his son, Adam waved him off and took a big gulp of his drink.
“I said we
need to talk,” Connor raised his voice. Whatever this shit was that his dad was
pulling, he’d had enough of it.
the anger in Connor’s voice finally made Adam look up. Just like Jordan, he
also had dark circles under his eyes and he seemed exhausted. “About what?
About you being gay? Or about your suicidal tendencies?”
breath hitched. He could feel his heart pounding violently against his chest
and his palms getting sweaty. He had no idea how his dad knew about that, he
wasn’t supposed to find out, ever.
desperately trying to come up with a lie but his dad continued. “I had to find
out about your breakdown from Jordan’s mom this morning. ’Hey, Adam, newsflash:
your son wants to kill himself.’” Adam scoffed and shook his head. “I don’t
think I’ve ever felt more humiliated in my entire life.”
down on his lip so he wouldn’t start screaming. “Again, everything is about
you. It’s about how it affects you,”
Connor spat. His dad just fucking had to make everything about himself, but
what had he expected?
smashed his fist down on the table, which caused Connor to wince. He watched his
dad slowly elevating from the chair and taking a few steps ahead. Now they were
standing face to face, intensely staring at one another. “You’re damn right
it’s about me!” Adam barked. “I’m the one who’s failed as a parent here! Me!
ME, ME, ME!” His dad was yelling and violently poking at his chest. Connor
would’ve sworn he could see his dad’s eyes glowing in the poorly lit house.
never seen his dad behave like this before and it frightened him. He wasn’t
scared because Adam was being aggressive, that was just a part of his
personality at this point. No, this was because it seemed like his dad
genuinely cared. Like he actually
gave a shit about him. Adam never showed any sign of weakness, not until now, and
Connor had no clue how to handle seeing him like that.
Connor began but he couldn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t want to lie but he
didn’t want to tell the truth either. While it wasn’t entirely his dad’s fault
that he was the way he was, he had played a part in it. A big part.
always known, you know. I noticed how you looked at boys, the way you were
supposed to look at girls,” Adam said, his voice breaking. “I’ve always known
you were gay and I haven’t done anything about it. I’ve done nothing and now
couldn’t have done anything about it, it’s just the way I am,” Connor replied hanging
his head, not looking at Adam because seeing him tearing up made him
uncomfortable and guilty.
folded his arms in front of his chest. “No, you wouldn’t be depressed about
being gay if I got you some kind of help.” His voice was heavy with regret.
head shot up. “I’m not depressed because I’m gay, dad. I’m depressed because I
had to keep it a secret. It had been slowly eating me alive and no one would
have fucking noticed it and I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone,” he said sharply.
night it seemed like Jordan knew,” Adam retorted.
scoffed and threw his hands in the air, “You did too, you literally just admitted it!” He burst. “And yes,
Jordan figured it out. I guess it’s not that hard if you actually spend some time
ignoring Connor’s outburst, Adam mumbled, “I should’ve gotten you help.”
“YOU SHOULD HAVE HELPED ME!” Connor cried
out, stressing the word ‘you’, making Adam jump. Unable to stop his tears from
falling, Connor continued yelling, “You are my dad, you should have helped me,
you should have been there for me! You should have made sure that I was okay
and comfortable with myself but I never was, not until I met Jude! He jumped
into a relationship with me even though he knew we couldn’t go public. Despite all
the shit that had happened to him before, despite he’d sworn he would never do
it again, he did it anyway and I hated myself for it. I hated myself because
he’s actually the most amazing person ever and I knew I was hurting him in a way.
I still hate myself for it and I
don’t blame him for breaking up with me. I don’t deserve him, I never did.” At
that point Connor’s face was soaking wet and he was panting. He wasn’t sure why
he just told his father all about that but he felt like he was going to explode
if he couldn’t get it off his chest.
expression was a mixture of shock and pain. His own son going off on him twice
in less than 24 hours started to make him feel like he was the worst parent on
the planet. “I’m sorry.” That was all he could say because the ugly truth was
he didn’t know how to comfort Connor and that was the reason why they were in
this awful situation at the moment.
a shaky breath, “I don’t know how to make this better, Connor, I really don’t.
I didn’t mean to kick you out last night, I’m so fucking sorry, please forgive
me.” Now he wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was crying too. “Just…just
tell me what to do and I will try my best, I promise. I don’t want you to do to
something stupid.” Something stupidlike killing yourself, Adam thought. He
couldn’t say those words out loud but Connor was able to read between the lines
and it made his stomach shift.
need you to be there for me and actually
listen to me, dad,” Connor sniffed.
silently nodded as he wiped his tears away. “Okay, okay,” he replied in a
muffled voice. “So, uh, this Jude kid, do you really like him that much?”
he was still crying a little, Connor softly chuckled. “This would be much
easier if I just liked him, dad.”
widened and he’d hesitated for a second before he just nodded again. “Listen,
I’m gonna be honest, I need time to adjust but I will try. If he means that much to you, you shouldn’t give up. Go
and get him back, I won’t stop you.”
that’s what Jordan said. Without the adjusting part. He seems to be completely
down with me being gay,” Connor said in a slightly lighter tone.
tell last night.”
last night – I’m sorry, too. I was wasted and I acted like an asshole,” Connor
said apologetically. Although he couldn’t remember, he felt shitty about the
way he came out to his dad, it was probably the worst coming out of all time.
accepted but you’re grounded for two weeks,” Adam replied sternly.
that’s fair,” Connor grimaced. “When does it start, though? I kinda have to take
Jordan’s car back to him.”
will take it back and come straight home, got it?” Adam asked.
Connor answered, then turned around and started making his way to the front
was just a few steps away, he suddenly stopped. He could have sworn he heard
voices coming from outside, so he listened.
can’t hear anything. I think we should go in,” he heard the familiar voice.
stupid, let’s just go before they discover the idiot and his sidekick,” said
someone else sharply. Connor’s heart did a flip. It was Jude.
I’m the idiot, right?” Judging by his tone, Jordan was clearly irritated.
it,” Jude replied sassily. Connor snorted. Jude’s attitude was back, and he
managed to torture Jordan with it.
that?” Jude asked warily.
waiting for Jordan’s response, Connor walked to the door and swung it open,
causing his best friend and ex-boyfriend to fall on the wooden floor with a
dull thud. Both boys had their ears pressed to the door so when Connor decided
to open it, they lost their balance.
cried out as he turned to his back and grabbed his elbow. Jude just groaned and
murmured a ‘fuck’ under his breath.
just shook his head at the sight. “What the hell are you two doing?” He asked