congratulations mr. president

Finest girl I ever met in my whole life
Wanted to take her home, make her my wife
Knew she was a freak when she started talking

She said, “Fuck me like we fucked Bin Laden” (ow waah)
That girl was a freak
She said she wanted me to fuck her harder than the military

Fucked Bin Laden
Fucked Bin Laden
Fucked Bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me harder than the US government
Fucked Bin Laden

Aah, she was a freaky kind of girl
Kept up with current events from all around the world
More specifically one event
The time Osama Bin Laden got shot in the head
She said “Do me like that”
But I couldn’t track the metaphor
That said I can see you horny like a stegasaur
That said again your request is so irregular
She put on a beard, I started looking at the exit door
Then a turban
Then a tunic
She said “Invade my cave with your special unit”
I said “He wasn’t in a cave”, but there was no stopping
She demanded that I fuck her like we

Fucked Bin Laden
Fucked Bin Laden
Fucked Bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me harder than the US government
Fucked Bin Laden

This girl requested intercourse to bring her to climax
With the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden
You’re harboring a fugitive (That ass)
And my justice will be punitive (I’m a smash)
Night-vision, they can see us through my go-pro
She tried to negotiate, I said that’s a no-no
Now I’m creeping in her bed room like go-go
She tells me to go low then looks down and says I gotta
“Terrorize that pussy”
“Gotta terrorize that pussy”

So I did it, improvised some crazy shit
Seal Team 69 sexecuting the hit
She said “You’ve finished me off, now throw my body in the ocean”
I yelled “Geronimo” then took some pictures for posting
The President called, he said “Congratulations Conner”
I said “Mr. President to what do I owe this honor?”
He said “Come give me the deets in the White House Garden,
I gots to know how you fucked her like we”

Fucked Bin Laden
Fucked Bin Laden
Fucked Bin Laden

I still can’t say that I see the appeal, but she wanted me to fuck her like we fucked Bin Laden
Ohh this girl insisted that the way we did it was merciless and exact
Just like the now the world-famous attack that fucked
Osama Bin Laden
Thanks to Trump, America’s word is now worthless
And the effects could damage our national interests even after he's gone.

Congratulations, Mr. President: America’s word is now practically worthless. And the damage will persist even after you’re gone.

Trump has already pulled us out of the Paris climate accord, which was agreed to by nearly every country on earth. It’s looking like he might pull out of NAFTA. Perhaps most dangerous of all — and against the obvious wishes of his entire national security team — he’s moving toward pulling out of the agreement we made in cooperation with China, Russia, Great Britain, France, Germany, and the European Union to restrain Iran’s nuclear weapons program. For the moment he is withholding certification of the deal and has proclaimed that it’s not in America’s interest as he sees it. Whether he pulls out completely will likely be a matter of how good his aides are at restraining his more lunatic impulses.

If the Iran deal collapses, there will be little reason for Iran not to restart that weapons program, the result of which would be either them becoming a nuclear power or the possibility of another Middle East war to stop it from happening. But it goes beyond that. Imagine that you’re Kim Jong Un, watching all this happen (as he most certainly is). What is the lesson you would take from seeing one American administration painstakingly negotiate an international nuclear deal, and then the next administration waltz in and toss it aside on the whim of its infantile new president, despite the fact that not only international observers but his own aides attest that Iran is complying with the terms of the deal?

There would be only one reasonable conclusion: America doesn’t keep its promises, and there is no point in negotiating with them to give up your own nuclear weapons.


Erin straightened Alex’s suit and smiled as she playfully tugged his hair. “Congratulations Mr. President,” she said with a happy smile straightening his tie again. “I wish I could walk with you,” she said softly hearing the kids chattering downstairs.“But we’ll be waiting for you in the white house,” she smiled looking up as Olivia ran in.

“Please let us go!” Olivia sniffed looking up at her parents it always made Erin sigh to realize how grown up their babies were now. “Mr. Adams said in the paper that you’re ashamed of us… of me, so please let us walk with you,” Olivia begged and Erin swallowed hard.

“Darling… It’s not the tradition,” Erin said signing as she spoke. “Daddy is the President… he’s won an election and now he has to do his inauguration… and women, and children aren’t supposed to walk with him…”

Olivia turned her gaze to her father and then her mother and back again to her father. “You’ve never cared about tradition before. Mom worked with you at the law firm… Just prove that you’re proud of us and want us with you,” Olivia pleaded her eyes so like her Father’s big and glassy from unshed tears signing furiously with her words.

When I turn on the news early in the morning, it’s to keep me informed on what’s going on out there – by that I mean important issues in the world. So, when they start talking about how Barack Obama just got his first Facebook page; well I’m out. Congratulations, Mr President. Really, that’s great. But, that’s not the kind of news I’m looking for at all.