This guy I was talking too for about a month or so just suddenly stopped talking to me. Idk what I did or what went wrong last time we hung out. I drove an hour to see him and that was the last time. He even stopped texting and calling after that. I cried once I realized it was finally over mainly because of frustration. Frustrated that I keep letting these guys in and they treat me like I have no worth. I feel like women in today’s age are starting to accept the fact that we will never be enough for man and if he do us wrong we should just sweep it under the rug. I deeply fear that I’ll never find a true love or when I think I do the man I love will turn on me. Im tired of trying but what if I do give up for a bit and end up missing out on the one for me.
“No one becomes such a woman, a woman who loves too much, by accident. To grow up as a female in
this society and in such a family can generate some predictable patterns. The following characteristics are
typical of women who love too much, women like Jill and perhaps like you, too.
1. Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear in some way needy.
3. Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change through your love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will “help” the man you are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.
7. You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship.
8. Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. You have a desperate need to control your men and your relationships, having experienced
little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as “being helpful.”
10. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation.
11. You are addicted to men and to emotional pain.
12. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your
responsibility to yourself.
14. You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such “nice” men boring.
Jill displayed nearly all of these characteristics, to a greater or lesser degree. It was as much because she embodied so many of the above attributes as because of anything else she may have told me about him that I suspected Randy might have a drinking problem. Women with this type of emotional makeup are consistently drawn to men who are emotionally unavailable for one reason or another. Being addicted is a
primary way of being emotionally unavailable.
Right from the start, Jill was willing to take more responsibility than Randy for initiating the relationship and keeping it going. Like so many women who love too much, she was obviously a very responsible person, a high achiever who was succeeding in many areas of her life, but who nevertheless had little self-esteem. The realization of her academic and career goals could not counterbalance the personal failure she endured in her love relationships. Every phone call Randy forgot to make dealt a serious blow to her fragile self-image, which she then worked heroically to shore up by trying to extract signs of caring from him.
Her willingness to take full blame for a failed relationship was typical, as was her inability to assess the situation realistically and take care of herself by pulling out when the lack of reciprocity became apparent. Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship. They pour their energies into changing the other person’s behavior or feelings toward them through desperate manipulations, such as Jill’s expensive long-distance phone calls and flights to San Diego (remember, her budget was extremely limited). Her long-distance “therapy sessions” with him were much more an attempt to make him into the man she needed him to be than to help him discover who he was. Actually, Randy did not want to help in discovering who he was. If he had been interested in such a journey of self-discovery, he would have done most of the work himself, rather than sitting by passively while Jill tried to force him to analyze himself. She made these efforts because her only other alternative was to recognize and accept him for what he was—a man who was careless of her feelings and of the relationship.”
*curtsies* Dear Duke, I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I’m just devastated. I can’t concentrate on anything and it’s affecting my academic career. I used to love studying, but now I can’t even do my readings, let alone write my thesis. Do you have any tips on how to deal with academic obligations when everything seems to be falling apart?
*Curtsies* I’m sorry to hear that. It’s really difficult to focus on your academics when it feels like the rest of your life is falling apart. Here’s what I’d suggest:
Remember that this temporary, not permanent. You are not going to hate academia forever just because you broke up with a boyfriend. It sucks right now because everything sucks right now, but don’t despair. Give it some time and you’ll probably love it just as much as you did before. (More on breakups in general here.)
Let people know you’re struggling. You don’t have to get into the gory details (probably better if you don’t) but there’s no reason you can’t tell a professor or thesis advisor that you’re having a really tough time right now personally and you’re not at your best. They may not change deadlines or anything, but it’s still good for them to know. If nothing else they will probably be especially patient or generous with you. They’ve been there. They get it.
Get organized. Academic work is a lot less overwhelming when it’s not a chaotic mess. Make sure everything you need is where you need it. It can be easy to lose track of things when it feels like your life is falling apart, but staying organized will not only help you to stay on track–it will also help remind you that your life is not completely out of your control.
Work in manageable chunks. Once you get organized, figure out exactly what you need to do each day to stay on track. A daily to-do list is a lot less overwhelming than looking at an entire semester’s worth of work and having no idea where to start. Similarly, when you do sit down to work, work for 25 minutes or half an hour (with no distractions) and then give yourself a short timed break. Working for a short burst is a lot less daunting than sitting down to work for five hours straight. More on this here.
Take care of yourself. It’s impossible to pull yourself out of a funk–academic, emotional, or other–when you’re not taking care of yourself. So: eat well, exercise, get as much sleep as you can, and pamper yourself a little bit. Buy a special treat (not booze). Splurge on that Ghirardelli hot chocolate. Make yourself pancakes. Buy a new CD or a bath bomb (or both). Have a friend over just to work with you. (Even better? If you have a friend with a pet ask to come over and hang out with it. Fuzz therapy never fails.) Do what you can for yourself. Every little bit helps.
Hope this is, also, somewhat helpful. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Good luck and don’t forget: you’ll survive this.
I don’t really care for my friend’s boyfriend. Every time me and my friend wants to hang out, she’ll bring him. It’s not just him being there, it’s because he keeps pressuring me and my other friend to drink alcohol. Me and my other friend don’t drink, but every time we hang out as a group, here’s comes the topic of drinking and getting drunk. I don’t need to drink because majority of the time, I have to drive back home. And even if I did want to drink, I’m going to do it on my own terms, not because you’re breathing down my neck. It’s bad enough already that already pressured my friend (his girlfriend) to drink from what she told me. I don’t know how she can deal with that. But once again that’s on her. I’m not too big on rushing to things for people just because they whine and cry about it like a toddler. I love my friend, but she could do better. But she’ll figured it out.
Years ago my father caught the genealogy bug and began searching for every gnarled branch of our family tree he could possibly find proof of and contacted them. We might consider these people strangers but to him they were family and that meant something. Something significant. Something sacred.
This isn’t too strange when you think about it, not really. How many weddings / funerals have we been invited / dragged to because the parties involved were family? In these cases, family embodies an unspoken obligation to support and participate in the lives of people we barely know. Family often means being there when we really don’t want to.
And that raises an interesting question: What do you do when your family is toxic, when it does more harm than good?
Culturally speaking, we’ve been taught to grin and bear it. To tolerate your family’s insufferable behavior because, someday, family will be the only thing you have left and you just might need them.
I find this viewpoint absolutely abhorrent. A relationship you didn’t ask to be a part of, are forced to tolerate / maintain, and aren’t allowed to leave? How is that remotely healthy? Every other relationship we have in our lives lives and dies by how positive an effect it has on us. Is your significant other abusive? Leave them. Has your best friend since high school turned into a raging asshole? Ghost ‘em. That person you used to do everything with but now have nothing in common? Let things dissolve naturally and both parties will come out better for it. But not attend that racist uncle’s wedding? Not let your deadbeat cousin crash on your couch for a couple of weeks? Or worse yet: stop speaking to your parents because you finally realized how manipulative and destructive they are on your (now adult) life? You’re a goddamn monster.
I call bullshit. Every relationship you have with another person should be both consensual and mutually beneficial. If it doesn’t meet these two criteria, it’s not worth keeping.
Do vorta have any terms for family? (brother, mother, cousin, and the like?)
The Vorta have a somewhat different concept of family than sexually-reproducing species, but there are words for many types of relationships.
The most direct equivalents of our familial terms are those used for species who reproduce sexually. Notice that they all contain the word ma, which is the root of mayon (sexual reproduction), and literally means, “chance”.
mayauta - parent, “person who reproduced sexually”
onama - child, “one born by chance [as opposed to by design]”
marota - relative, “person united [to the subject] by chance”
Because of the wide range of familial structures, anything more specific will generally use a loan-word from that species, or the closest equivalent lineal, familial, or personal relationship (see below).
The relationships between clones of the same individual. As the Vorta reproduce via cloning, they don’t really have a concept of blood-relation, however they view their lineal relationships somewhat like we might view our own ancestry.
The Vorta concept of individuality is somewhat slippery. Lineal relatives are simultaneously viewed as distinct individuals and extensions or aspects of the self – Think less individual than the Trill, and more individual than the Founders.
senvaromai - line, ancestry; lit. “the first through the last”.
omata - clone; a general, all-purpose word for any iteration of an individual line.
omon - successor
taimon - predecessor
ometa - immediate successor
karon - immediate predecessor
zharon - progenitor; the first Vorta in a line.
Although the Vorta do not technically have families, the relationships formed through the process of a progenitor’s or, to a lesser extent, a clone’s birth have a similar significance.
onarota - birth-partner, lit. “person of the birth-union”; a Vorta who’s first iteration was activated at the same time as another, similar to a sibling. The first individuals in a line are always activated in groups of 2-5 to promote socialization. Onaro is a very special bond.
onauta - activator; a person who designs, activates, and cares for the first iteration of a new Vorta. As the first Vorta in a line will often spend several years with their onauta as they complete education and training, this relationship is similar to a parent.
onashuro - activator; a person who activates a new clone, similar in closeness to an aunt or uncle.
The Vorta do not distinguish between platonic and romantic relationships, and these terms are not considered exclusive. If you try to explain monogamy or the difference between friendship and romance to a Vorta, all you will get is a confused Vorta.
Additionally, whether or not a relationship has a sexual component is generally considered irrelevant to its closeness. Physical intimacy is not considered inherently sexual. In fact, if a Vorta refuses to touch you or allow you to touch them, it’s a fairly good sign that they strongly dislike you.
Personal relationships mostly exist between individuals living on Kurill Prime or in large scientific and diplomatic installations, where many individuals live and work together. Since Vorta in the field are usually the solitary member of their species in a company, they do not usually form these relationships, although some individuals have been known to form attachments to members of other species.
waiyau/waiyauta - close friend or partner; lit. “trusted”. The closest and most emotionally intimate relationship, even more significant than onaro (Although the two relationships may co-occur). In an entire line, a Vorta might have only a handful of those considered waiyautar. When speaking about other species, this would usually refer to a long-term relationship or marriage.
zhimata - friend or lover; lit. “bed-mate”. Not always literal, but communal sleeping is common among Vorta. This would be a good friend, someone you know well.
There are several words for physical and emotional intimacy.
shuwaro - nonsexual physical intimacy, lit. “union of touch”. Verb form is shuwaru.
tenaksha - sex, lit. “uniting touch”. Verb form is tenakshu.
zhimataro - emotional and/or physical intimacy, friendship. Lit. “bed-union”. Verb form is zhimataru.
shushaiya - close emotional or mental intimacy. Lit. “mental/psychic touch”. Verb form is shushaiyu.
waiyaro - complete intimacy; the emotional and/or physical intimacy between waiyautar.
I was with my ex for almost three years, he was my everything. He was my only friend. We would always fight over who I talked to( as in guys). He was also very controlling. I honestly wanted us to last. But the accusations weren’t worth it anymore. So I gave up. I dumped him and blocked him. He’s met someone else and I can’t seem to stop checking his social media to see what he’s been up to. Do you think I really loved him or that it just hurts that he’s moved on?
That sounds like an unhealthy relationship, and you did the right thing by leaving it. But few things in life are 100% black-and-white. Having feelings of sadness and pain after a breakup is NOT evidence that a breakup was the wrong choice.
Stop checking his social media - block him even harder if that’s possible, enlist a friend to help you break this habit, take a social media fast - and give yourself the time it will take to heal from this. It’s okay to have complicated feelings, it’s okay to need time to feel better. Focus on what makes you happy right now.
Dear Auntie Asy. I have a dilemma. I've had a huge crush on my friend forever but there's no chance of anything happening so I'm trying to move on by starting to date. The problem is I don't want to take advantage of the new person/people or be manipulative since I'd feel like I was settling for them or something. I'm just trying to find a way to get past this hopeless crush, and I'm miserable on my own. Please can you help?
Hah. This happened in Solve for i, and you know what happened? Everyone got hurt.
In short: I know it’s very, very tempting, but don’t date other people if you’re still hung up on someone else. Please don’t do this. You shouldn’t be using a third person as a tool to get over someone you’re really into, because that’s not fair to them. No one should be ‘settled’ for. You’re going to give them a complex about not being good enough :/
Wait until you start to feel interested in other people naturally because you’re over your friend - even if it might be a long time. Maybe you need to spend some time apart from your friend, maybe you even need to TELL your friend, so they can give you the firm ‘no’ and you can hear that, accept it, and then stop hoping? You could also get counselling - that helps some people.
But don’t drag a third person in. That’s not fair to anyone.