condom drive

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Quote Ask Meme/Game

The rules are simple: Just send me one of these DBZA quotes to get my muse’s response!

  • I swear, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.
  • I’m Vic Mignogna! Ahh my poor vocal cords!
  • Now they’ll just waste their lives in a futile struggle to measure up to their peers until they’re nothing more than a crumpled heap of countless failures of broken dreams.
  • It’s edited by the Tiger Kitty!
  • If he could be any more of a whore for Adobe, they would’ve branded their logo on his ass.
  • I am hilarious and you will quote everything I say.
  • Oh no, I’m not a monkey! Oh no, the kid’s a monkey!
  • Hey, let that (name) alone!
  • Maybe I’m gay. Or maybe stereotypes are bullshit.
  • Guess I’ll do what any sensible Middle American would do in this situation: GIT MAH GUN!
  • BOOBS! I mean, (name)… Hi!
  • Yes, (name), I’m a green freakin’ dinosaur.
  • Nerd!
  • Take that, moon. Perfect orbit, my ass.
  • Hi, I’m (name)! And this is (name). He/she was a prison bitch!
  • I’m gonna eviscerate you and use your gastrointestinal tract as a condom while I fornicate with your skull! 
  • DODGE!
  • Okay, consider yourself beef jerky while I’m Filet Mignon.
  • The eye! The eye! Why is always that goddamned eye!!??
  • We’ve been flying for two weeks now, and I’m starting to feel very tensed up. Not just for being trapped on the ship of course, but from (name) walking around in nothing but his/her underwear! I would relieve this tension, but I’ve had no alone time as the toilet KEEPS SCREAMING AT ME!!
  • So in short, shit be whack, yo!
  • Dammit, there is no muffin button!
  • I’m sorry, but if this shit goes any further south, we’re going to hit Space Mexico.
  • Freakin’ weeaboo.
  • I’m coming, (name)! Quick, grab my balls!
  • Oh no, that minion died. Could you go fix that? We’ll continue this conversation never. 
  • Freaky Alien Genotype.
  • Now let me put this in a way you’ll understand; I’m about to blow my load all over your insides.
  • I need an adult…
  • I am an adult!
  • Big talk coming from a bipedal bitch.
  • Son of a gum-chewing funk monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me? Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! It’s like this whole world just likes to bend me over and find me in the Alps! Like I’m some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue, WITH A GODDAMN PIG!
  • Why can’t I feel my everything?
  • Every party needs a pooper, that’s why they invited you. Party pooper. Party pooper.
  • Renegade for life.
  • I never left, sir. I was outside, hitting my head against the wall for 20 minutes.
  • And so I tell him, ‘I don’t care who you are, now clean my jowls!’
  • Well Sir, if you’re having a problem with our Customer Support you can call 1-800-eat-a-dick!
  • Oh god. NATURAL LIGHT!
  • Did you try working the shaft? 
  • Somehow we made this into a three-way. 
  • I feel that they have finally summoned the dragon. Would be a reeeal dick move to die right now…
  • Ahh, if we had junk you’d be gay right now!
  • I’m beginning to think I have issues.
  • Hax! I call hax!
  • See, it’s like I told you, (name). “Like a bitch.”
  • You know what? All of you better duck, because I’m about to turn left and I don’t want to SMACK YOU WITH MY DICK.
  • Hey, I’m just like any other guy. I pay my taxes one leg at a time! 
  • There you go again, throwing your hands up in the air like you just don’t care. CARE, DAMN IT!
  • Why aren’t you upstairs sleeping with your girlfriend like everyone else?
  • Y'all are bitches.
  • Oh a momma’s boy huh? I’ll be your mommy.
  • It’s called man-scaping.
  • …the fuck’s a condom?
  • Sooooo… Wanna go drive cars?
  • Look at my nipples, LOOK AT THEM!!
  • I was desperate and needed the money. And no, it wasn’t worth it.
  • Oh come on man! You couldn’t last, like, 30 seconds!?
  • And the prodigal asshole returns!
  • My heart is pure. Pure, unadulterated badass.
  • Oh, crapbaskets.
  • OK, first: What?! Second: The fuck?!
  • Oh my God, I solicited my son for sex.
  • Wow, you are just the Grand Central Station of disappointment, aren’t you.
  • Societal definitions of beauty are BS anyway.
  • All these squares make a circle, all these squares make a circle, all these squares make a circle… 
  • Ohhh no. Oh, really wish I hadn’t! It’s all over my hand! Oh god, it’s sticky! And now it’s starting to harden! Oh no!
  • Could you speak up? I’m not wearing pants.
  • I’m coming, I’m coming… I came. Heh.
  • At this point, it’s a game. If he gives in, I win. And he knows that.
  • When mine left, she took all my money. When yours left, she took all her money.
  • Booby bomb!
  • Sometimes you’ve got to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. And right now, it’s foldin’ time. (name)! Grab M'Dick! 
  • Bitch, I’m adorable.
  • You’re either perfect or you’re not me.
  • You know! If I had a watch, I’d be looking at my wrist really condescendingly right now…
  • Well, I’d say I should’ve seen this coming, but that would be ironic.
  • My nipples are rigid right now!
  • Well, I sure hope someone picks up that phone…because I fucking called it!
  • Seriously kid, if you don’t start bringing me meat I am literally gonna shit bricks.
  • Wow, I can’t remember the last time someone actually nutted up and asked for that. Congrats! Can’t wait to hear how you fuck this up.
  • Everyone’s getting sucked today!
  • Friggin’ hell. Last time I take on a guy with a pole that big.
  • He keeps kicking me in the dick…Why? Why does he keep kicking me in the dick?!
  • I have many things…a best friend that’s a turtle, an island, chlamydia… This…is not one of them. 
  • No, you said “Hey, check this shit out!”, then jumped in a car!
  • Look at my trucker hat!
  • Nobody’s killing that idiot but me!

anonymous asked:

nsfw headcanon: michael purchases condoms for the first time so of course his natural instinct is to fill it with slushee and send a pic to jere , both of them immediately forgetting why the condoms were purchased in the first place

next time they BOTH go to buy condoms and on the drive home theyre that 1 vid of the 2 dudes seeing how big a condom can stretch by holding it out the window and letting it catch wind

Laundry Day (Jared Kleinman X Reader)

WARNINGS: Heavy smut, (scratching, hair pulling,light spanking)…Like this essentially just porn so… Also swearing.

You’d been staring at the washing machine for around 6 minutes. All the others where full and on their cycle apart from this one. It was full of wet clothes but the wash finished when you’d stepped into the buildings Laundromat. No one had come in to collect them and you were the only one in the room. It was a cardinal sin to take out other people’s wet clothes and put yours in… Usually. And in normal circumstances you were totally abiding of this rule… You stared at the door trying to will the owner to come through and collect them.

Your clothes needed washed today. You were a waitress and your uniform reeked of coffee and was stained to shit. You glance one more time at the door and then your phone. It’s been 7 minutes now. Surely there’s a subsection of the rule that includes a time limit right? Like if your careless enough to leave your wet clothes in the washer then you shouldn’t care if they get taken out. You’d never leave clothes; and if you did and someone took them out then that would be your own fault.

You wait another minute. Jesus ok, they weren’t coming back for these any time soon. You opened the machine and filled your arms with the wet flannel shirts, jeans and kaki shorts. Even if they did come back during your wash you could just say someone else took them out. Totally covered.

You heard the bell above the door go. He was staring at you and you looked back, helplessly clutching the stack of clothes, “what the hell?” He shouted. You instinctively dropped what you were holding on the floor, “I… Uh… I…” You stumble through your words and he’s walking quickly towards you, “what kind of person does that? It’s an unspoken rule that your not a total asshole here.” He was only an inch taller than you and seemed a lot less threatening. His glasses where slipping down his nose and he was flushed..

“You were gone 8 minutes.” You snapped. He looked very briefly embarrassed; like a little kid caught drawing on a wall, and then broke out of it, “you didn’t even wait 10 minutes? Jesus Christ.” He began picking up his clothes. You clenched your teeth, “Look man, if you were so desperate for your clothes why didn’t you just wait here?”

“I have shit to do. We can’t all just sit and wait for the washer to stop.” He started loading his clothes back into the machine, you watched mouth agape, “I’m sorry but what the ever loving fuck do you think your doing?” You draw out and you see him begin to snigger, “you dropped them, I have to wash them again.” He went to close the door but you jammed your foot into it, “you’re joking. I didn’t stand here for 10 minutes-“

“8 minutes.” He corrected.

“Whatever! I didn’t stand here for 8 minutes just to have you put them in again. You’re gonna have to wait your God damn turn.” You where looking up at him seething, not quite realising how close gotten to him, “and another thing, if I see you pulling my shit out as revenge I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” He was calmer than you and it made you want to strangle him. You’re mouths slightly open because there was no real end to that threat, “I’ll do… Something.”

“I’m terrified.” He was deadpan and it was infuriating. You weren’t a specifically violent person but Jesus he got under your skin for whatever reason. He was smug and calm and weirdly attractive and you just wanted to slam him against the washer.

“I’m putting my clothes in, dickhead.” You whisper, opening the door with your foot and taking out his clothes; putting them on the top of the machine as you loaded your own, “like hell you are- it’s your fault they’re dirty again.”

But it was too late. You’d closed the door and hit start. He was bright red, “Jesus you’re irritating.” He was a lot closer now and you sat on top of the moving machine as if to safe guard your property, “find another machine.” His eyes looked you up and down and you felt your stomach do a small flip. It was probably the vibrations.

“You’re the worst.”

“What? I waited and you weren’t here! You’re the worst!” It was a weak insult and your almost embarrassed for mimicking him. You watch As he steps forward, directly in front of you and taller now that you were sitting. It was suddenly a little harder to make eye connection with him as an unwilling heat rose to your face. It was definitely the vibrations from the washing machine. He leaned forward, “you can’t just… Take out people’s shit…” He looked a little distracted and still furious and it was a little hot. You glanced up, “I can if they’re a douchebag.”

“Fuck you.” He whispers.

Suddenly you’re inches apart from each other. You can see he’s staring at your chest and your breathing maybe purposefully a little heavier than needed, “Fuck you.” You’re not entirely sure why your both whispering in a room where you’re the only ones there. A minute goes by of silence and suddenly his hands are on your hips and he’s dragging you forward, lips crashing in a violent, vicious manner. You tear your hands through his hair and pull him further forward. You lock your thighs around his waist and he pulls you up, lifting you and slamming you into the neighbouring wall, you want to shout in pain as your back thuds but you’re not giving him the satisfaction. Instead you rake your nails down his back and he drops you lightly to the floor, his hand pulling your hair and running up your torso to your bra, groping you.

You can’t help but whine a little into the kiss and feel him smile. You push against him and he stumbles back against the line of machines. He looks pissed that you broke the kiss and you grab him by the collar and bring him to you. Your teeth bite down in his bottom lip and his hands wrap around your waist. You feel his hands travel to your ass and squeeze and you push him to the floor. He falls and drags you with him and you straddle his hips. He pulls your shirt up and you start unbuckling his belt, his eyes widen a little but makes no attempt to stop you. He lifts your skirt up and you start kissing down his neck, biting and sucking as you go while slowly removing his shirt.

He pulls his jeans down to reveal Spider-Man underwear and you chuckle, “Really?”

“Fuck you.” He repeats quietly, smacking your ass enough to leave a light pink mark. You feel yourself blush; there’s a large part of you that doesn’t want him to know your into it. You want to be dominant and strong and hurt him. You pull his hair and he pulls a little more tentatively at your underwear, running his index finger lightly through the lace and watches your eyes briefly flutter. You get on your knees and pull down your underwear, fully knowing it’s too late to turn back now. You watch him pull his pants down too his knees to reveal a fully hard dick.

You pause. You didn’t think this far ahead, “I’m not fucking you without a condom.” You object and he nods, “wallet. My wallet in my pocket. You’re closer. My- yeah that.” You reach into his wallet and pull out a condom, noticing his driving license and realising you didn’t even know his name. You smirk at the unflattering image, “nice picture Jared.” You throw his wallet aside and slide the codon down his dick. He’s watching a little hungrily and you look up at him, “I could just… Get up and leave, you know.” You remind him. The cocky demeanour is instantly gone, “you wouldn’t dare.”

You ease yourself on top of him and wince a little as he grabs your hips, you rock back and forth a little and he starts hitting your G-Spot. You close your eyes and bite your lip as he thrusts into you, running his hands up your thigh and around to your ass. You lean back and grind on him, pushing him into the floor. His he smacks your ass again and you let out an embarrassingly loud gasp. He’s grinning like an idiot and you pull on his hair.

“You like that? You know you deserve it for what you did to me?” He’s whispering and your not entirely sure if he knows you can here him, “Go fuck yourself.” You whisper back and he looks up, thrusting harder into you, sitting up a little on his elbow and smacking you again, harder. You lose your balance and wrap your arms around his neck, biting down in his clavicle and earning a loud moan.

You feel yourself losing control as your grinding starts to lose rhythm, you’re breathing heavier and his hand that was spanking you reached your chest, pawing at your tits. He pulls lightly your nipples and you throw your head back, moaning louder than you ever have before. Electricity spikes around your nerves and you squeeze your eyes shut. He thrusts harder into you and suddenly becomes sporadic himself, “yeah? You fu-oh you like that?” He’s shouting as he tenses his whole body and his eyes screw shut.

He’s gasping into your neck and holding you as he cums. Shaking a little as he rests his head back. He’s grinning and it takes a second for you to realise that you are too. Fuck that was fun. Your whole body aches and you can feel on your back where you hit the wall; your neck hurts from the biting; and he had left bruises from his hands and fingertips. Though looking at him you’d done your damage too, he was scratched to shit from your nails and he had hickys down his throat and chest. He looked really good.

You start pulling down your skirt and standing up, he’s reaching for his shirt when the washer beeps. You open the door and pull out your clothes quietly, “that was… Um…” You begin, “amazing?” He finishes, redoing his shirt and pausing when he notices the light bleeding from the claw marks you’d left behind.

“I was going to say never happening again.” You’re trying desperately to fix what had clearly become sex hair. You piled your clothes into the basket you carried them in and started to walk out.

“I never caught your name.” He shouts after you.

“(Y/N).” you don’t look back as you tell him. You’re not exactly why but you’re still smiling, possibly because that was some of the best sex you’d ever had.

“I do my laundry every other Wednesday.” He calls out, “If you ever want to… Also do laundry.” He sounds a little lame and you chuckle, “yeah like I said: never again.”

You try and convince yourself that you just so happen to need to wash some clothes on the same day at the same time as him… 3 months in a row.

Some Important Facts

1 Behind every successful man there is a great woman and behind every great woman there is a smart guy staring at her butt. 2 If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. 3 Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one. 4 Avoid rape - say yes. 5 A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress. 6 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 7 Thou shalt not commit adultery…unless in the mood. 8 The best thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to talk afterwards. 8 Learn from your parents’ mistakes - use birth control. 9 Assassins do it from behind. 10 Chess players mate better. 11 Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 12 Good girls spit, Bad girls swallow, Naughty girls gargle. 13 Excuses are like asses everyone’s got em and the all stink. 14 Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg do not find nuts. 15 If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you between F and CK. 16 Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex. 17 When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose. 18 Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”. 19 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 20 My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex,she objects. 21 Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”. 22 If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you’re doing it wrong. 23 Her kisses left something to be desired � the rest of her. 24 Good girls go to heaven…but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!. 25 Sex is an emotion in motion. 26 For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used. 27 There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don’t and stop, unless they are used together. 28 Anatomy is something everybody’s got, but sure looks better on a woman. 29 The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night. 30 If he won’t wear a condom, staple his willy at the end. That’ll make him think. Sorta…. 31 I was so poor growing up … if I wasn’t a boy … I’d have had nothing to play with. 32 Love without sex is like cooking without eating, but be careful because sex without condom is like driving a car without breaks!. 33 I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed. 34 The most enjoyable form of sex education is the braille method. 35 Prostitution is a hole sale business. 36 Lets all be considerate towards animal and let all the cocks meet the pussies of their choice. Good Morning Regards Sam Archu

1. The most beautiful thing you can wear is a smile.
2. High school sucks for everyone.
3. You’re going to get your heart broken. But you will get over it, too.
4. Travel.
5. Only have sex when you want to, with somebody who respects you enough to wait until you do.
6. Learn to laugh at yourself.
7. Embrace whatever music you like to listen to and don’t let anybody ever tell you to turn it off.
8. Let go of things you know you can’t change.
9. Develop a voice and make it loud.
10. Even the girl on the cover of the magazine doesn’t look like the girl on the cover of the magazine.
11. Fart when you need to.
12. Don’t mistake desire for love.
13. The amount of pride you’ll feel when you look good in a bikini for twenty minutes is far less important than the happiness you’ll get from ordering a Big Mac.
14. It’s okay to spend some days in bed.
15. The right guy will love you for who you are, not who he wants you to be.
16. If you make a mistake, own up to it.
17. Dye your hair. You can always dye it back again.
18. Scrolling through photos of the new girl he’s sleeping with won’t help you at all. And keep in mind that she probably doesn’t look like that without a filter and good lighting.
19. Try something out of your comfort zone.
20. Find friends who don’t mind holding your hair back after a night out. Do it for them, too.
21. Learn to say no.
22. Go after things that excite and challenge you, even if they scare you a little, too.
23. People are just people.
24. Nothing worth having comes easy. And nothing will just fall in your lap. If you want something, go out there and get it.
25. Don’t spread or make up gossip.
26. Get over your fear of peeing in public restrooms. Everyone goes there to do the exact same thing.
27. Always help your mom decorate the tree at Christmas.
28. Read.
29. Be with somebody who knows how many scoops of ice cream you really want.
30. You’re never too old for Disney movies.
31. Take photographs. Of everything.
32. Think before getting a tattoo.
33. People can be selfish.
34. Don’t let any boy whistle at you from across the street and get away with it.
35. Drink lots of water.
36. Make a Bucket List.
37. If you know that you’re right about something, don’t let anybody else change your opinion.
38. Learn to talk about your problems. The four walls of your bedroom don’t hear a damn thing.
39. Masturbate.
40. Don’t believe everything you read on Facebook.
41. Empower other women. You’ll need one another when you take over the world someday.
42. Be unapologetically honest.
43. Wake up early and go for a walk. The world is a different place at 7am.
44. Don’t ever beg somebody to love you.
45. Put your phone down for a while and make memories that don’t need to be shared on Instagram.
46. Not everybody is going to like you.
47. Stop being afraid. You’re going to miss out on so much.
48. Learn to say yes.
49. Get lots of sleep.
50. Spend New Year’s Eve how you want to spend it, not how you think you should. So if that means staying in watching trash TV, do it.
51. There are very few things in life that chocolate can’t fix.
52. Pay attention to the little things.
53. Watch ‘Friends’. Please.
54. You don’t have to date him just because your friends are telling you to.
55. Go camping without worrying how dirty your hair might get.
56. Be nice to your parents. They’re growing up, too.
57. Eat the whole pizza to yourself.
58. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard your stomach aches.
59. Cry if you need to.
60. Then cry some more.
61. Smoking isn’t cool, despite the persisting myth that taking those long drags can get you in with the popular crowd.
62. If you like it, buy it.
63. Who you are is not determined by your measurements.
64. Cinderella didn’t have to take off her dress to get her Prince so neither should you.
65. Dance in the rain.
66. Take risks.
67. Just because he buys you flowers, you don’t owe him anything.
68. Less is always more.
69. Don’t drink and drive. Or text and drive. Just be safe.
70. Make wishes and believe they will come true.
71. Laugh at your dad’s jokes. He’ll appreciate it.
72. If you can’t wear swearpants and no make up around your friends, they aren’t really your friends.
73. Go to a music festival at least once.
74. Don’t waste your breath on people who waste your time.
75. Spend time with your grandparents.
76. Be passionate.
77. Say “I love you” whenever you can.
78. Pay attention in math class.
79. Stand up for what you believe in, even if you’re standing alone.
80. Don’t give out advice you wouldn’t use yourself.
81. It’s more than okay to walk away from somebody who treats you like crap. It’s hard. But it’s okay.
82. Stop buying things you don’t really need.
83. Visit your Doctor regularly.
84. If he’s not texting you back, he doesn’t want to speak to you. That’s the cold and hard truth of it.
85. Know who you are and don’t let people turn you into somebody else.
86. Always lick the bowl after baking.
87. Nobody has a good first kiss.
88. You will go through stuff that will make you want to stop living for a while. But every scar is proof that you survived. Because you can.
89. Throw a packed bag in the back of your car and just drive.
90. Condoms are made for a reason. Use them.
91. Go barefoot.
92. Try to stay positive.
93. Stop waiting for him to miss you. Move on and find somebody who won’t leave.
94. Be loyal.
95. Sing into your hairbrush whenever possible.
96. You don’t have to go to college. Or stay at a dead-end job you hate. Get out while you can and start doing something you enjoy.
97. Have fun.
98. Every day is a new chance to change your life.
99. You have to save yourself most of the time.
100. Everything is only temporary. Everything gets better.
101. Nobody has it figured out yet.
—  101 Things To Know As A Teenager/Before You Turn 20
Wedding Day w/ calum would include

• waking up realizing you’re not beside him and being v sad about it

• pouting until Michael tells him how many hours until he gets to finally see you

• when he finally gets to the venue, he looks everywhere to see if he can sneak a peek

• realizing your door is locked and you had already known he’d do this

• texting you assuring that he is definitely marrying you

• also saying he’s fine and not nervous (even tho Michael says he’s going crazy)

• finally getting his suit on and it hits him he’s getting married OMG

• making sure Michael (the best man) has the rings and hasn’t lost them

• freaking out when Michael (jokingly) says he doesn’t have them

• about ready to fight until Michael pulls them out of his pocket

• his stomach turning butterflies when the wedding planner says it’s time for him to take his place at the alter

• walking joy to her seat

• rambling to the boys about how beautiful you are going to be

• keeping his eyes locked on the door ready for you to enter

• literally about to faint when the music starts and the doors start to open

• crying when you emerge and take your place beside him

• his vows being the most adorable thing in the world

• having trouble putting on your ring because his hands are shaking

• smiling like crazy when you say I do

• not being able to wait to kiss you

• when the kiss comes he dips you and kisses you f o r e v e r

• running back down the aisle as Mr. and Mrs. Hood

• kissing again and again during the reception

• promising you he won’t get drunk until after the wedding night

• again crying with all the speeches

• giving Michael the bird because he talks about how whipped calum is for you

• getting really anxious for the honeymoon

• dancing with his mom (aw)

• not wanting to see the get away car because the boys did it yikes

• oh the condoms in the car

• driving to the airport super excited and can’t belive you just got married

• talking your ear off on the plane and you just want sleep

• arriving at your destination and him not letting you carry any bags

• carrying you bridal style into your room

• endless kisses and love making

• him admiring every single inch of your body

• him not being able to believe you’re his