How Many Murders the Instruments Are Responsible For
  • piccolo:all the other piccolos that may one day emerge. only one will survive.
  • flutes:no one yet although detailed plans for the assassination of first chair/biggest competition can always be found on their person.
  • clarinets:one unintentional killing by piercing high register. they're very sorry.
  • saxophones:at least one trumpet player, probably as a group/hit mob.
  • double reeds:multiple clarinet and saxophone players who mocked how much their reeds costed.
  • low reeds:definitely not that one lost freshman choir kid ahahahaha...
  • trumpets:say they've all taken out at least twenty armed soldiers, but the only thing that actually happened is third chair accidentally knocked a clarinet out with a stand once.
  • horns:someday...someday the conductor will begin to say the words "march" and "Sousa" and the horns will just go fucking nuts. for now they just write death threats all over their music.
  • trombones:anyone who goes near their area in the band room should probably just be given up on.
  • tubas/baritones:let's just say there was an accident on the field involving a wayward flute and jazz runs.
  • percussion:at least half the incoming freshman class had a close brush with death at their hands.
The Instruments
  • Flute:Always silent, can't play eighth notes to save their life
  • Clarinet:Stop hating on us *clarinet squeek* sucks at playing high notes
  • Bass clarinet:can play higher than the clarinets but that's not saying much
  • Oboe:There is literally only one of you
  • Saxophone:wait what measure are we on
  • Tenor saxophone:*enaged in a war with the trumpets on who is the best*
  • Trumpet:WE ARE THE BEST AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SUCKS.We have a total ego and complain forever if we don't have the melody
  • Trombones:Just really really gay, also puns
  • Baritone/Euphoniams:*fart joke*
  • Tuba:Plays whole notes the entire piece
  • French horn:Is this a note *NO IT'S NOT A NOTE)
  • Percussion:Everyone hates you becuase you make up rythms and play too loud
When You Criticize The Instruments
  • flutes:*nod stoically and then go alternately cry from embarrassment and plot revenge the the bathroom*
  • clarinets:it's my reed
  • saxes:*don't realize the director is talking to them; continue conversation about nothing to do with band*
  • trumpets:yoU WANNA GO BITCH IM THE BEST
  • horns:i play like five measures in this whole piece the fuck do you want from me
  • trombones:haha I know man *fistbump each other*
  • tubas:excuse you we are the foundation of this band so we are never wrong
  • percussionists:*mutter mutiny under their breath and don't fix it because they weren't doing it wrong in the first place*

I’ve paraphrased what my band director had told us in response to complaining that there wasn’t enough pictures in the yearbook.

This is raw stuff. Because, as he said, band is paramount in all of students’ memories. Band is “the soundtrack to their high school career.”

The soundtrack to their high school career.

We blared out our school’s fight song as students walked onto campus for possibly the first time, and we are going to blare out our Alma Mater as they walk among their high school diplomas. Keep that in mind the next time you see your high school band or remember them.

What I Think About During Long Rests
  • me:1-2-3-4, 2-2-3-4, 3-2- god the clarinets sound awful
  • me:*hums trumpet part in my head*
  • me:i could play that better
  • me:where are we? oh well
  • me:*covertly eyes person next to me to see if they bring their flute up*
  • me:nope not time yet
  • me:this song would be so much cooler if it were something else
  • me:i miss our marching show.
  • me:why is the director pointing at me?
  • me:shit