Composers According to Tumblr

Bach — Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Saviour Herr Baroque Sassmaster? Haters can fugue off.

Haydn — pretty much a source of puns about his name

Handel — such pretty choral music! I can’t even Handel it! Teehee…

Brahms — beard guy

Beethoven — do not fight Beethoven. I MEAN IT DO NOT FIGHT BEETHOVEN!
YOU DON’T STAND A CHANCE!!!

Mozart — *loving voice* ‘Wolfie, you little shit…’

Schumann — wasn’t he married to Clara or something…?

Schubert — precious tiny morbid Austrian. Composed cute little songs that are actually about death.

Wagner — bastard

Rossini — delivered sick burn to Richard ‘Dick’ Wagner, therefore we love him.

Chopin — *sobbing pianist voice* 'You cause me nothing but pain! Why do I still love you?’

Liszt — Chopin’s boyfriend with the yaoi hands

Mahler — he loves hammers

Tchaikovsky — he loves cannons

Shostakovich — beautiful Stalin-hating cinnamon roll to good for this world, too pure

Stravinsky — You sure love sacrificing virgins. Are you alright, lad…?

Glass — he repeats himself he repeats himself he repeats himself

Strauss — Der Rosenkavalier = hot mezzos in armour = everyone’s happy

Which American Composer should you fight?

John Philip Sousa: Will you win? Probably not. He was in the marines, so he’ll probably kick your ass. But do it. Punch John Philip Sousa in the face. For all of us. I will pay you to fight Sousa.

George Gershwin: You could probably win this fight, but what will it accomplish? Nothing. He’ll just cry and you’ll hate yourself for making him cry.

Leonard Bernstein: Are you kidding? Have you ever watched Lenny conduct? Have you seen his music and time signature changes? He’ll kick your ass.

Aaron Copland: DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT FIGHT AARON COPLAND. HE IS SIX FEET OF PURE, CONCENTRATED ANGER. AARON COPLAND WILL DESTROY YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.

John Cage: Fight John Cage. Just do it. You know you want to after that 4'33 bullshit. Use your rage to fuel you and you will win. Just remember: people buy sheet music for 4'33.

John Williams: Don’t fight John Williams. He will crush you with his massive amounts of money. You will die, suffocating under the checks for Hedwig’s Theme and The Imperial March.

Louis Moreau Gottschalk: You will definitely win this fight. No one really knows who he is, but fight him. There is no chance you will lose

Eric Whitacre: ABORT MISSION. I’m like 80% Eric Whitacre is some sort of God incarnate and you don’t want to incur his wrath.

Charles Ives: Do not fight Charles Ives. He is a precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world. Too pure. Just let him continue writing his weird music. He hurts no one.

reasons to be nice to composers

they can make your life hell, and they don’t care if you “can’t” do something

play it in tune, bitch

play it at this tempo

you better play it loud

make sure you get those trills

accent the notes exactly as written

oh but I’ll be nice and you won’t have to use your bow

fuck you figure it out it’s not my problem 

The Signs as Composers

Aries: John Philip Sousa

Taurus: Johann Sebastian Bach

Gemini:  RICHARD WAGNER

Cancer: Ludwig van Beethoven

Leo:  Felix Mendelssohn 

Virgo: Frédéric Chopin

Libra: Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Scorpio: Franz Liszt

Sagittarius: Dmitri Shostakovich

Capricorn: Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart

Aquarius: Igor Stravinsky

Pisces: Hector Berlioz

Composers and Their Fighting Styles

Bach - forces you to analyse his fugues until you surrender or die

Handel - uses his army of devoted countertenors

Beethoven - straight up punches you in the face. He’ll kick anyone’s ass. He’ll kick his own ass if he must.

Mozart - probably tries fence with a dildo. He isn’t taking this seriously.

Salieri - nobody notices him enough to engage him in battle. Who knows what Salieri would do…

Haydn - he cheerfully pushes you into the Donau while on his morning stroll. You never suspected a thing.

Vivaldi - says he can’t fight because of his asthma, but might thwack you with a broken violin when you aren’t paying attention

Schubert - doesn’t fight much. He is tiny and nearsighted and harmless to all except the pianists rehearsing Erlkönig

Wagner - he’s hopping up and down and shaking his fists, but really doesn’t know what he’s doing

Chopin - coughs on you

Liszt - strangles you with yaoi hands

Paganini - probably summons Satan or something

Britten - fights by aggressively ignoring you.

Dowland - plays his own compositions and you fall over in tears

Purcell - he sits on the ground and starts crying, and you trip over him

Shostakovich - he will pretty much only fight Stalin, but if you are Stalin, he would probably use a tank

Stravinsky - makes sacrifices to the Russian spring god in exchange for maximum roundhouse kick powers

Mahler - uses a hammer

Tchaikovsky - uses a cannon

Schoenberg - you just see him coming and run away

Cage - he sits very still but you are nonetheless frightened, because you don’t know what he’s capable of

The composer Hans Zimmer was at work on his score for Man of Steel when Nolan approached him [for Interstellar]. “Chris said to me, in his casual way. ‘So, Hans, if I wrote one page of something, didn’t tell you what it was about, just give you one page, would you give me one day of work?’” Zimmer recalled. “‘Whatever you came up with on that one day would be fine.’ I said, ‘Of course, I’d love to.’ One day, an envelope arrived, almost handed to me by Chris. It was on quite thick paper, typewritten, which told me there was no carbon copy. This was truly the original.”

On the paper was a short story, no more than a precis, about a father who leaves his child to do an important job. It contained two lines of dialogue – “I’ll come back” “When?” – and quoted something Zimmer had said a year before, during a long conversation with Nolan and his wife at the Wolseley restaurant in London. It was snowing, central London had ground to a halt, and the three of them were more or less stranded. “There was no movie to be made, there was no movie to discuss, we were talking about our children,” said Zimmer, who has a 15-year-old son. “I said, ‘once your children are born, you can never look at yourself through your eyes any more, you always look at yourself through their eyes.”

He worked on the score for a day and then let Emma Thomas know he was done.

“I said, ‘Do you want me to send it over?’ She goes, ‘Oh, he’s curiously antsy, do you mind if he comes down?’ He got into the car and drove to my studio in Santa Monica and sat down on my couch. I made the usual excuses a composer makes when they play something to somebody for the first time. I played to him, not looking at him, I just stared straight ahead at my copy of the screen and then I turned around and he’s sitting there. I can tell he was moved by it. He said, ‘I suppose I’d better make the movie, now.’ I asked him, ‘Well, yes, but what is the movie?’ And he started describing this huge, epic tale of space and science and humanity, on this epic scale. I’m going, ‘Chris, hang on, I’ve just written this highly personal thing, you know?’ He goes, ‘Yes, but I now know where the heart of the movie is’. Everything about this movie was personal.“ (via)

Listing of all our composer bros

Shostabrovich / Brozart / Brohms / Brosky-Kosakov / Brokiev / Brothoven / Brohann Sebastian Bach / Brohann Strauss Sr. & Jr. / Franz Broseph Haydn / Leonard Brostein / Hector Brolioz / Leopold Brokowski / Jean Sibrolius / Brodrich Smetana / Lebros Janacek / Brodest Brossourgsky / Giovanni Gabroelli / Herbrot von Karajan / Arnold Brönberg / Alban Brog

Sometimes I like to imagine classical composers with sassy t-shirts

For example

Chopin:

Mozart:

Brahms:

Shostakovich:

Bach:

Liszt:

Mahler:

Mussorgsky:


Beethoven:

Stravinsky: