Bach — Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Saviour Herr Baroque Sassmaster? Haters can fugue off.
Haydn — pretty much a source of puns about his name
Handel — such pretty choral music! I can’t even Handel it! Teehee…
Brahms — beard guy
Beethoven — do not fight Beethoven. I MEAN IT DO NOT FIGHT BEETHOVEN!
YOU DON’T STAND A CHANCE!!!
Mozart — *loving voice* ‘Wolfie, you little shit…’
Schumann — wasn’t he married to Clara or something…?
Schubert — precious tiny morbid Austrian. Composed cute little songs that are actually about death.
Wagner — bastard
Rossini — delivered sick burn to Richard 'Dick’ Wagner, therefore we love him.
Chopin — *sobbing pianist voice* 'You cause me nothing but pain! Why do I still love you?’
Liszt — Chopin’s boyfriend with the yaoi hands
Mahler — he loves hammers
Tchaikovsky — he loves cannons
Shostakovich — beautiful Stalin-hating cinnamon roll to good for this world, too pure
Stravinsky — You sure love sacrificing virgins. Are you alright, lad…?
Glass — he repeats himself he repeats himself he repeats himself
Strauss — Der Rosenkavalier = hot mezzos in armour = everyone’s happy