comparat

I do not understand, I never really understood, never really lived in the so-called real world. I lived… I live in my own imaginary world, which is as real as any other world, as real as the real worlds of all the other people around me.
—  Jonas Mekas, from “As I Was Moving Ahead I Occasionally Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty,” Cinema Comparat/ive Cinema (Vol.I. No.3, Winter 2013)
James Sirius Potter x Reader - I Won't Say I Love You Part 2

Exiting from the train and stepping onto the crowded ‘station’, the (blonde, brunette etc.) female took a long breath of fresh evening air. She felt like smother if she stayed in that comparatment more. She smiled at the sight of familiar castle in  the distance. They have finally arrived at Hogwarts. Dominique snapped her out of her daydreaming by a simple tap on the shoulder. (Y/N) turned her head to look at the ginger. 
“Let’s go catch a carriage while we can.” (Y/N) nodded at Dominique. If they didn’t catch one, they would have to go by foot to the castle, and (Y/N) seriously didn’t want that. She didn’t really catch any sleep in the train and she wasn’t sure she would make it to the building.
“I know Molly left to find her friends. So, where the hell is Roxanne?” (Y/N) asked her best friend. They just spotted one empty carriage and headed towards it. Better to enter it before someone other does. After all, supplies of carriages are limited.
“Oh, she went to talk to Fred or something. I didn’t quite catch what she said.” Dominique replied and started rubbing the back of her neck. However, before they had a chance to get into carriage, someone rudely interrupted.
“Oi sis, where do ya think you’re going without me?” Sirius came in sight with that cocky smirk of his. He lazily hanged an arm around Dominique’s shoulder “Hello there love, long time no see.”
“Ew, get away from me.” Dominique yelled and strongly pushed him away. (Y/N) rolled her eyes. She went over to Sirius and picked him by his ear. 
“What did I say about flirting with my friends in front of me? I was actually doing pretty fine without you in sight.” The (blonde, brunette etc.) said and pulled the boy’s ear harder this time. Dominique sighed and jumped up in the carriage.
“Ow, ow, I get it!” Sirius slapped her hand away and rubbed his, now red, ear. (Y/N) joined Dominique up in the carriage and sat next to her.
“Ya coming in or what?” She asked her brother. Sirius simply jumped up and took a seat. A few moments passed in a complete silence, until they reached a little closer to the castle. 
“Why you’re not with James and Fred?” Dominique tried to make up a conversation. It wasn’t like the three didn’t hang out together alone, it was just that they were probably tired from the trip. (Y/N) leaned in her seat, tiredly looking at the gloving castle. Her mind wondered back to the train. Oh, how she would enjoy it if she actually broke Morgan’s nose before Molly stopped her intentions. She didn’t even have an idea how the hell that blonde was in Hufflepuff. Her appearence insulted the whole house if you asked her.
“I said I wanted to wait for you and (N/N). James, unsurprisingly, was glowing with happiness about (N/N), but Fred pulled him away to meet with Louis.” Sirius answered her. He tried to catch Dominique’s look, but she kept hers on the distance.
The rest of the ride to the castle was filled with a happy chat. (Y/N) stopped thinking about the train ride and enjoyed the moment. She was teasing both of them and in a return they would tease her about James. Soon the carriage reached its limits and they needed to jump off it.  Sirius jumped off first. He raised his hand in order to help Dominique down, which the ginger ignored. He faked a pout while the ginger female tried to hold back a chuckle.
“C’mon you two, the dinner will start soon.” (Y/N) said. She linked her arm with Dominique’s. The two girls headed to the Great Hall, Sirius shortly trailling behind them.

The Great Hall was filled with many happy students. Sitting at the Gryffindor table, (Y/N) looked around the big hall. She spotted Roxanne, a little further from her. Her little group was obviously exchanging the newest gossips. Dominique took a seat next to her. The ginger put her elbows on the table, resting her head at the palms of her hands.

“It feels like we didn’t even go on a summer break.” Dominique commented. (Y/N) nodded to her, continuing to look around the crowd. Sirius went to sit with James and Fred instead of them. They weren’t on their side of the table and (Y/N) thank Merlin for that. Otherwise she would have to listen to James for the whole dinner.

Dominique saw Daniel Wood with his group. He is a year older than her, which she didn’t mind at all. The boy was a Quidditch captain, just like his dad. He is also a keeper and would rarely miss a ball in the match. The ginger didn’t really have an idea in her mind how to cooly aproach him, so she wouldn’t make a fool out of herself. She was a rather a rebel, which got her a nice reputation here at Hogwarts. Yes, she talked to him, but only at Quidditch practises, where he would compliment her chaser skills.

(Y/N) saw her looking at him and momentary smirked. The two girls talked about possible situation for Dominique to ask him out. (Y/N) thought it would be best after a Quidditch match, where the Gryffindor wins of course. The (blonde, brunnette etc.) female also played chaser on the team, a rather good one. Where she would go, Sirius in most situations joined, so he is the team’s beater. He said it is a best position to protect his beloved sister, Dominique and that idiotic James from falling of his broom.

The Gryffindor team this year is full. They don’t need to hold a training for newbies and they could instantly start with practises. The chasers are (Y/N), Dominique and Michael. The boy is Wood’s friend and they entered the team together in their second year at Hogwarts. Sirius and Fred are beaters. They do their role well, in teamwork like Weasley twins did in their time. Wood is a keeper and James is a seeker. Harry and Ginny teached James a few basic things about Quidditch when he was a baby. He loves his role and is proud that his dad was once a seeker too!

“Hey Dom!” (Y/N) nudged Dominique with her elbow in the ribs “Quit daydreaming, the sorting is about to start.”

“Pff! I wasn’t daydreaming!” The ginger argued back.

“No, you were just staring at him for five minutes.” (Y/N) winked at her.

“Since we are at staring, where are boys? I expected James to creepily aproach you by now.” Dominique snorted. (Y/N) angrily sighed, shaking her head. She took a look at professor Longbottom. He stepped up, holding a piece of parchment on which was a list of first years.

“Addams, Tina!” He read out loud. A little girl nervously came forward. She sat on the small stool, allowing the professor to put a hat on her head. After a couple of seconds and the sorting hat’s constant mumbling, she was sorted.

“I put you in…

”…GRYFFINDOR!“

The whole table loudly clapped, including (Y/N) and Dominique. The little girl was glowing with happiness, her green eyes sparkling every time when somebody congratulated her.

"Albert, Mary!”

“HUFFLEPUFF!”

“Bolton, Dean!”

“RAVENCLAW!”

“Brown, Hannah!”

“RAVENCLAW!”

“Chase, Tom!" 

"SLYTHERIN!”

A lot of other children were sorted too. The sorting ceremony got pretty boring when you get to watch it every single year. (Y/N) remembered how she was nervous. She was afraid that she wouldn’t be in the same house with Sirius. The boy got before her and was sorted into Gryffindor. The sorting hat told the (blonde, brunnette etc.) that she could be a brilliant Ravenclaw, Slytherin or Gryffindor. It also told she was too ‘crazy on her own way’ for Hufflepuff. (Y/N) instantly choose Gryffindor, so she could be close to her brother.

She regreted the decision about the brother part, but not about choosing Gryffindor. She couldn’t imagine her life without Dominique as a best friend. (Y/N) doubted they would be this close if she was in a different house.

“Welcome students to another school year here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy!” The principal McGonagal started her, now usual, sheech at the beggining of the school year. (Y/N) turned her mind off, not listening to principal’s words. She will probably talk about things that are forbidden like usually. The female actually succeded to sneak a few times into the Forbidden Forest, but not alone of course. She and her companion would be very careful and no one ever noticed sometning suspicious. After all, she is a descendant of infamous prankester and playbog Sirius Black, so what do you expect?

McGonagal was never one for long speeches. She just said everything how it is, without going further into the subject. The plates full of food appeared before students. Today, the menu was very colorful.

Thinking about what she could choose, (Y/N) decided to eat a drumstick. She put it onto her table, looking for the lettuce on the crowded table. Dominique handed it to her, as she was closer to it than (Y/N) was. They both filled their cups with delicious pumpkin juices. 

“What could we do later?” The ginger asked. Her mouth were full of food, as she carelessly looked at her friend. The (blonde, brunnette etc.) thought for possibilities for a moment.

“Inviting boys is off the list, unless you want James to sneak into your bed.” Dominique snickered, seeing as she didn’t receive a response from (Y/N). The said girl looked at her with raised eyebrow.

“Of course it is. Also, I don’t think our roommates would enjoy their company too much.” The female replied. “You saw Rose anywhere?”

“No, actually I didn’t. Why?" 

"I didn’t get a chance to greet her today. Maybe tomorrow or later if I’m lucky!” The (h/c) haired girl replied. She started to poke the salad with her fork, finding it difficult to sting it. Giving up, she threw a fork onto her plate along with the knife, finishing her dinner. Dominique did the same. They decided to leave the Great Hall, as they didn’t have any smarter bussiness to do there anymore.

(Y/N) was first to stand up, her best friend following closely. The (blonde, brunnette etc.) played with a lock of her hair, waiting to the ginger to finish her drink. Sirius saw that his sister stood up and naturally he swallowed his last part of the meal quickly. Getting James’ attention, he pointed towards the two girls.

“What?” James dumbfoundly asked him. The boy was too focused on his food to pay attention to something else. Following Sirius’ finger, he momentary smirked.

“Oh, Dom and (N/N) already finished eating? Let’s go then!” He esclaimed. Fred got up with them as well, deciding it’s better to keep them company then to stay alone at the Great Hall.

In the middle of the long hallway, they catched up with the two girls. Slyly snaking his arms around (Y/N)’s waist form behind, James took his moment to smell her hair before the girl processed what actually happened.

“Mhm Finnigan, you smell like roses, just as I expected.” The male grinned. (Y/N) blushed madly, stepping on his foot. He yelped in surprise and lost his hold of her (waist size) waist. She took the oppornity to push the annoying male away. Near them, Dominique, Sirius and Fred laughed loudly. 

“Easy there Finnigan. He might end in the hospital wing if you continue like this!” Fred said. He rufled his curly brown locks, looking at (Y/N) in the process. The female got forward to him.

“Nice seeing you Weasley! How have ya been?” She asked lazily. Fred and her then did their usual handshake. It became a common thing for them, as she considered him as one of her best friends.

“Pretty good actually. Can’t wait for the Quidditch practises to start, thought.” The male answered. He grinned, pointing to the staircase that went to the famous Gryffindor tower.

“Shall we?” He asked. Fred let his arm out, in intention for (Y/N) to take it. The female happily linked her arm with his. The two started walking towards the tower, whispering something in the process. Fred turned his head once more, giving James a michevious wink of his.

James was standing there, speechless. He then crossed his arms, glaring angrily at Fred’s back. Dominique shook her head.

“Oh, Merlin. This won’t end well

It seems that the only time I have for myself is those late late night hours when everybody’s sleeping, when the air is clearer from all that daily noise, activity. Those are the little bits of time and, of course, it has always been so, that is why this film consists of little bits, fragments of time, time from my life… little fragments. But sometimes the fragments contain all that there is, as Blake said…
—  Jonas Mekas, from “As I Was Moving Ahead I Occasionally Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty,” Cinema Comparat/ive Cinema (Vol.I. No.3, Winter 2013)
Though everything eventually passes, except this very, this very very moment, and the next second we are in another moment and something else happens and everything else is gone, is past, is memory, is memory. But some of the memories… no, they never really go away. Nothing really goes away, it’s always here, and sometimes it takes over you, and it’s stronger than any reality around you, around me, now. That is… reality. That is real. That is really real, though it’s not here anymore, as they say, it’s not here anymore. But it’s here for me, it’s here and now.
—  Jonas Mekas, from “As I Was Moving Ahead I Occasionally Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty,” Cinema Comparat/ive Cinema (Vol.I. No.3, Winter 2013)
The pain is stronger than ever. I’ve seen bits of lost Paradises and I know I’ll be hopelessly trying to return, even if it hurts. The deeper I swing into the regions of nothingness, the further I’m thrown back into myself, each time more and more frightening depths below me, until my very being becomes dizzy. There are brief glimpses of clear sky, like falling out of a tree, so I have some idea where I am going, but there is still too much clarity and straight order of things, I am getting always the same number somehow. So I vomit out broken bits of words and syntaxes of the countries I’ve passed through, broken limbs, slaughtered houses, geographies. My heart is poisoned, my brain left in shreds of horror and sadness. I’ve never let you down, world, but you did lousy things to me. This feeling of going nowhere, of being stuck, the feeling of Dante’s first strophe, as if afraid of the next step, next stage. As long as I don’t sum up myself, stay on the surface, I don’t have to move forwards, I don’t have to make painful and terrible decisions, choices, where to go and how. Because deeper there are terrible decisions to make, terrible steps to take. It’s at forty that we die, those who did not die at twenty. It is at forty that we betray ourselves, our bodies, our souls, by either staying on the surface or by going further but through the easiest decisions, retarding, throwing our souls back by thousands of incarnations. But have come close to the end now, it’s the question will I make it or will I not. My life has become too painful and I keep asking myself, what I am doing to get out of where I am, what am I doing with my life. It took me long to realize that it’s love that distinguishes man from stones, trees, rain, and that we can lose our love and that love grows through loving. Yes, I’ve been so completely lost, so truly lost. There were times I wanted to change the world, I wanted to take a gun and shoot my way through the Western Civilization. Now I want to leave others alone, they have their terrible fates to go. Now I want to shoot my own way through myself, into the thick night of myself. Thus I change my course, going inwards. Thus I am jumping into my own darkness. There must be something, somehow, I feel, very soon, something that should give me some sign to move one or another direction. I must be very open and watchful now, completely open. I know it’s coming. I am walking like a somnambulist waiting for a secret signal, ready to go one or another way, listening into this huge white silence for the weakest sign or call. And I sit here alone and far from you. And it’s night and I’m reflecting on everything all around me, and I am thinking of you. I saw it in your eyes, in your love, you too are swinging towards the depths of your own being in longer and longer circles. I saw happiness and pain in your eyes and reflections of the Paradises lost and regained and lost again, that terrible loneliness and happiness. Yes, and I reflect upon this and I think about you, like two lonely space pilots in outer cold space, as I sit here this late night alone and I think about all this.
—  Jonas Mekas, from “As I Was Moving Ahead I Occasionally Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty,” Cinema Comparat/ive Cinema (Vol.I. No.3, Winter 2013)
and you lie in the grass and you look at the blue sky, maybe there is not a single cloud in it, and it’s hot, and it’s hot. […] and there is you, maybe just by yourself, in the middle of the summer. Ah, what an ecstasy, what an ecstasy!
—  Jonas Mekas, from “As I Was Moving Ahead I Occasionally Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty,” Cinema Comparat/ive Cinema (Vol.I. No.3, Winter 2013)
Because I really don’t know where any piece of my life really belongs. […] I do not really understand, same as I never understood life around me, the real life, as they say, or the real people, I never understood them.
—  Jonas Mekas, from “As I Was Moving Ahead I Occasionally Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty,” Cinema Comparat/ive Cinema (Vol.I. No.3, Winter 2013)

Mi-e teamă că nu tu ai să ştii niciodată. Nu ai să ştii pentru că eu nu am să-ţi pot spune, iar tu eşti prea orb ca să mai citeşti în sufletul meu. Nu ai să ştii că pentru mine ai fost singurul special, cel cu care i-am comparat pe toţi cei care au urmat, cel la care mă gândeam de fiecare dată când auzeam cuvântul “iubire”. Cu tine adormeam şi mă trezeam în gând, deşi nu mai vorbisem cu săptămânile, cu lunile. Şi deşi nu mai sunai de mult, mereu când aveam un mesaj sau un apel, speram să fi tu. Şi cel mai mult doare că te-am pierdut şi nu ştiu cum. De ce? În ce moment? Întrebări la care nu o să mai primesc răspuns.