For this is the truth about our soul…our self, who fish-like inhabits deep seas and plies among obscurities threading her way between the boles of giant weeds, over sun-flickered spaces and on and on into gloom, cold, deep, inscrutable; suddenly she shoots to the surface and sports on the wind-wrinkled waves; that is, has a positive need to brush, scrape, kindle herself, gossiping.
—  Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway
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THE SUMMER OF SONDHEIM

This was an interesting night. I got a call from my former co-worker who needed to talk (and after listening to her describe the growing shit show that is my old job, I truly think that getting fired was literally the best thing that ever happened to me). She asked me to come to her place because her husband’s meeting was cancelled. And he was “lonely.” Now he didn’t really hang out with us or anything, but we kept getting interrupted by questions about their computer, his offers to refill our drinks and a rather sweet attempt on his part to get me a job at the school where he teaches (my friend slightly shook her head; I caught the cue and said that I was looking for something a little closer to home).

This isn’t the first time that I’ve spent a night in the company of a couple. It’s the price you pay when you’re the single girl in the group. I kind of like seeing these husbands and wives (and sometimes their kids) squabbling and making up in the span of ten seconds or so. And I’m also glad to go home alone where there’s no one to answer to. So since I’m worlds away from my Being Alive moment, I guess I’m Bobby at the start of the show!

Company from Company (performed by Raul Esparza and the 2006 Broadway Revival Cast)

Musings

        For years, memories have flooded my mind that had been forgotten even by my subconscious mind.  When my wife was killed, it seemed as if my soul had completely left my vessel and I was nothing more than a wandering demon.  In that state, I had done so many terrible things.  I killed random creatures for the most random reasons.  Mostly, I enjoy feeling the flesh rip apart from my claws and consuming their blood.  I was a truly demonic creatures and even after many decades of doing whatever I can do defend the innocent and even some guilty, I find myself still haunted by those memories of the creature that was left behind when my soul was torn from me.  One my of clearest memories of that time was of me tearing my way through a city of peaceful creature and annihilating every structure along the way.  I found my way into the palace of that particular city and lined the throne room with the grotesque corpses of my victims while I sat upon the throne laughing and smiling.  I still get shivers and my heart still races every time I recall this; and they are not in the good way.  

        Sometime after I went mad and committed such horrifying acts, I unknowingly regained my soul; but still lived ruthlessly.  I fed on the blood of others; and even though I no longer killed innocents, I nearly went out of my way to place fear in others.  Looking back, I believe I did this simply because I feared being accepted and destroying the life that would mean for me.  Although I didn’t remember my wife or children at that time, I knew a part of me was still lost and I didn’t want anyone or anything else feeling the void.  Because of my origins, my biology became something of that like a vampire and so I continued to live as one.  Sunlight didn’t hurt me, but it made me uncomfortable so I would only go out at night.  I didn’t sleep so I spent the days reading books and really anything that held some sort of story.  I traveled from place to place, constantly wandering.  I would find abandoned houses to stay in unless I was in a certain mood and opted to rent a lodging, but that was a rare occurrence.  

        I made sure never to make any prolonged contact with anyone and I refused to make any sort of connection.  Quite a few times, I found myself becoming attached to individuals and I quickly moved on a few towns down.  I also spent quite a bit of time at sea, which one might  question (if they knew what I was at the time) how I could feed and not get caught.  The answer was simple for me, but not so much for those it happened to.  I could easily move undetected through the sleeping quarters without waking anyone; and while the victim was sleeping, I would cut them only slightly and drink just enough to be satiated.  The longer I continued my existence, the more principals I gained and the stronger my moral code became so my victims would come to no harm during this time.  

        The water was nice as it was a significant part of my native home; but I found myself craving a connection with others despite the fact that I knew I could never truly be accepted in this or any realm.  I found myself searching warily for someone or someones who would enjoy my company and that could begin to feel this emptiness in me.  I knew it would never happen in this realm and it never truly did, but I also still have hope and I continue to search.  These are simply the thoughts and musings of a timeless creature gone mad long ago.

I love how mundane coffee shops are. Even though I’m here, reading my book alone, I’m still in everyone’s company. We are all here together, alone in our own little worlds but still comforted by the fact that we are surrounded by others. Life is all about the relationships and presence of other people and that’s so beautiful.