If you must feel your skin, never allow your fingertips to rock forwards so that the fingernail comes in contact. Flat, compact hands/fingers. Maybe rub in some lotion. Get comfortable with moving fingers over an uneven surface without giving in to urges in a way that you typically experience as automatic.
Relapse: you will likely experience the delusion that any sense of control or success you previously had was an illusion and that your compulsive behavior truly controls you. In fact, the only illusions are the sense of helplessness you are feeling, the perceived problem in the imperfection you decided to pick in the first place, and the hope you held that doing so would make it go away thus “fixing” it. Take a step outside the moment and you will know these things to be false.
Actually, your victories were and still are real. They show true hope.
That spot you picked was normal, healthy even. Violence could never heal. Make peace with your surfaces, with your skin and nails and hair. Breathe and release. The controls are right there in front of you. They are not broken, just slippery. Grab them and don’t let go. If the ride gets too rough and your hands slip, just laugh and heal and grab hold again.
“The most common way people give up power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
Each spot is a trap and each pick is a slip-up, but there is no mistake nor fumble that I cannot bounce back from with equally moment-defining resilience and the courage to make a different choice, no matter how uncomfortable.
Each moment is a challenge and each indulged urge is a missed opportunity for mindfulness, but there is no defeat that cannot be used as a wake-up call from a trance and a reminder to find a more healthy way to cope.
I will not fight my skin;
but if I find myself fighting it, I shall let it win.
baby animals, especially baby chicks. saving baby birds, ant farms. red lipstick. ferns. beautifully illustrated books of fairytales. graffiti and the smell of spraypaint. stoplights reflecting off of wet asphalt. wildflowers.
comfort snacks, like peanut butter sandwiches or ants-on-a-log. stuffed animals. warm, fluffy towels. road-trips though farmland. buying pointless gifts at the dollar store. vacations with your closest friends. cranberry juice. staying up late at sleepovers talking about the meaning of life.
collecting cacti/succulents. the smell of new plastic, like a beachball. dog-eared paperback books. sandboxes. bubblebaths. petting cats in a comfy rocking chair. tapping your foot, clicking your pen. messy rooms where you know where everything is.
silk pajamas. cute lingerie. maraschino cherries and vanilla and long-handled spoons. Soft flannels. watching the sunrise. being woken up to the sound of birds. buying expensive makeup and telling all your friends and having them being genuinely happy for you.
soft, worn-in hoodies. doodling on test papers. baking cookies for friends. little inner-city bakeries. bicycles and bicycle delivery systems. red hair. comfortable silence. baby lotion. studio Ghibli films.
being the mom friend. herbal tea and incense. butterfly gardens. Arizona tea, lemon drops. Ice skating, warm coats. yellow raincoats with matching boots.
video game controllers. vaporwave. diy face masks found on pinterest. cool shoelaces. urban exploring. being loved by dogs.
the smell of chlorine. drinking soda out of wineglasses. soapy showers in clean, tiled rooms. drawing on your jeans in middle school. wearing destroyed converse. never getting rid of stuffed animals. pointing out cows a thousand times on a road trip. opalite.
dark gemstones. horror movies with friends. cotton sundresses. wearing your significant other’s tshirts as pajamas. milk and milk mustaches, dark chocolate. high-contrast photographs. fashion magazines, bowls of fruit. 50s inspired kitchens.
whispering in the top row of a movie theatre. old claymation christmas movies. photo booths. the smell of apples. clean houses, fire pits, and humming songs made up as you go along. sign language. baking bread.
christmas lights. aquarium fish. biting your nails. beach bikes. long sundresses that cover your feet. quilts. drinking an entire bottle of cold water after being in the hot sun. tying hair back with a ribbon.
summer ice-cream stops. roller skates and heart shaped sunglasses. Lolita. small dogs with short fur who lick your hand. girls with traditionally masculine names ((Chris, Mikey, Sam)). short hair and heart earrings. long hugs. pinky promises. disneyworld, and old Disney movies.
aries: orange sunsets, piggy back rides, fast cars, broken beer bottles on the ground, laughing too hard during class, getting first place in something
taurus: watching movies late at night, pizza, loud laughs, kids throwing tantrums, being obsessed with tv shows, milky coffee
gemini: tv news, talking really fast, closing doors loudly, recommending books you like to someone, late night cookies and milk, coming up with a secret handshake
cancer: faded white walls, smell of your favorite food cooking, sweet scented lotions, white comforters, big warm hugs, gloomy days, getting lost in a song
leo: the sun shining through curtains, going to the zoo, being on stage, big sunflowers, laughing so hard that there are tears in your eyes, loud music through a car, water balloon fights
virgo: late night conversation, spread sheets, numbness of skin in cold air, helping someone understand something, suddenly deciding to get a haircut, big empty malls
libra: long brown hair, driving on the freeway with all of the windows down, fresh flowers in the morning, dancing in your underwear at night, fooling around at a beach, soft waves in the ocean
scorpio: chilling on a roof, blurry pictures, laughing uncontrollably at something totally random, talking shit, having a perfect wardrobe, texting late at night, perfect nails
sagittarius: a need to escape, tipping a chair too far back, the feeling before riding a roller coaster, learning something new, clicking send on a risky text without thinking, journal writing
capricorn: knowing that you aced a test, rolled up button down t-shirts, talking about something you’re proud of, teasing someone you like, punching someone because you’ve just had it with their bs, trying not to smile
aquarius: abandon parks, wet grass, learning something new about a culture, skinny dipping, saying fuck it, pulling over to watch a sunset, being tipsy and flirting
pisces: giving your all, random phone calls to people you miss, going on a shopping spree, knowing the cool places in a city, the feeling before a rain storm, not being able to sleep the whole night,