comedians i like making funny faces

2

Requested by crimsonheart01 

“Are you ever going to take off that stupid mask?”  A shocked sound escaped the masked man walking beside you as he came to a sudden stop, hands flying up to the neck of his mask.

“The mask and I are one.  I can’t take it off.”  When you didn’t stop walking, he jogged a few steps to fall back in step with yourself.

“Oh come on.”  You rolled your eyes before shooting a narrowed eye glance at your companion.  “I just want to know what you look like.”

“Well, I’ve been told that I resemble the love child of an avocado and an even older avocado.  And not gentle love making, like hard core, rough, angry, ‘why didn’t we divorce in 1982′ hate sex.”

That description had you halting, turning fully to face him as he stumbled to a stop as well.  “Now you really have to show me your face.”  

college!au minghao (pt 1)

summary: you’re in your first year of university, and you find a best friend in joshua hong. He introduces you to his friends, and a interesting relationship ensues when you embarrass yourself in front of his friend minghao.

genre: fluff

pairing: minghao/the8 x reader

warnings: has some language sometimes, though I’m assumin f*ck and sh*t don’t bother you guys lol

word count: 3.9k

a/n: hey y'all! here’s my first little story I’m posting on here. the first chapter is kind of long, sorry lol. i’m not sure how long it’ll end up being, but it’s more of a ‘figure it out as you go’ kinda thing lol. i have it posted on archive of our own too!

(part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5)


           You scurried through the courtyard, a little out of breath, as you were late for class. You were hopping over bushes, and dodging tree branches. You’re almost to class when you feel a branch catch your sweater, and pulls you back abruptly. You keep pulling away, and the branch tears your sweater and cuts your skin a little. You let out a little ‘ouch,’ and pull the branch out of your sweater. You’re hoping subconsciously that nobody saw that little fiasco, and as you look around, you see one tall boy covering his mouth, laughing. You felt mortified that one of your peers had seen you sprinting through the courtyard and cutting your arm on a tree branch. You tossed your hair behind your ears and kept running, class still on your mind.

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I sincerely wish there were more female equivalents to people like the McElroys, Game Grumps, etc.

I think it really shows just how underlying and insidious sexism really is because you’re hard-pressed to name any *popular* female comedians/let’s players/funny content creators in general on the internet.

It goes back to the old idea that women Aren’t Funny™ for whatever reason. It’s still present and while there are women out there being funny and sharing their lives with us, those women face harsh scrutiny and sexism - and rarely reach high levels of success (think Markiplier or Pew/diepie)

It makes me really sad sometimes because while I love people like the McElroys, I yearn to have a female equivalent(s) that I can relate to. I want that representation and it’s just not there.

douchebag ceo pt. 2 (l.h)

lol why do you guys like this series dood

It was already the next day. It just went by really fast and I did not want to go back to work. I was walking towards the elevator until Y/BFF/N caught up to me.

“Hey, you okay?” She said, giving me a cup of coffee. We both walked up to the elevator and waited for it to come back down.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just don’t want to see the asshole again.” I say, sipping my coffee.

“You don’t have his coffee.” she said as we walked into the elevator as the doors slowly open. I hit the 18 floor button and the doors immediately close.

“Why should I? By the way he treated me yesterday? Fuck no.” I say, leaning against the smooth wood of the elevators.

“If his system isn’t well, he’s going to get pissed.”

“What’s he gonna do? Fire me for not getting his coffee? I deserve more than that. I deserve that fucking publishing internship and work on the 15th floor with all those writers and work under a boss that actually appreciates me. Instead I’m working for a egotistical, narcissistic, douchebag boss who wants nothing more than a good fuck and owns a fucking swimming pool and library that takes up floor 19 and 20.” I roll my eyes at the long statement. I hated Luke Hemmings. Even though he was hot as fuck. The elevator doors open and everyone’s eyes immediately look at me. They then roll them and return back to their duties. They were probably expecting the douchebag.

“So what happened after I left?” I said, walking with Y/BFF/N.

“Nothing. When you left, he kind of just yelled ‘what the hell are yawl doing? go back to work.’ and he didn’t leave his office. All of his blinds were closed though.” She went to her cubicle which was right beside mine and I sat down my coffee and bag. I take off my scarf because it was fucking hot and I smooth out my military jacket.

I open up my laptop and turn on my Mac. I go through the company’s website and go through some photographer’s websites where they illegally posted secret photos of celebs that would eventually be leaked to the media. If that’s how you were wondering how news are so updated in magazines(lol i have no idea how any of this works soooooo).

“Good morning, Mr. Hemmings.” I turn around and look above the wall discreetly. He is in this black jacket with his tie slightly undone and his hair all messy. I roll my eyes and go back to my work, crossing my legs, picking off any fluff off my leggings.

“Ahem.” I turn around and Luke is staring at me, angry.

“Can I help you sir?” I say nonchalantly, stuffing my hands into my pockets and leaning back into my chair.

“Where the fuck is my coffee?” He says rubbing his temples and eyes. He must’ve been hungover.

“Coffee machine was broken.” I lie.

“You don’t get me coffee from the machine,” he says, pounding the cubical wall, “you always get it from the Starbucks down the street!” he yells, making everyone look my way.

“I don’t understand why one of the richest men in the world always wants me to spend MY damn money that I’m barely making and to waste MY damn time to get YOUR coffee when you can get it ordered in three seconds.” I stand up. I was aggravated. The asshole didn’t know how to fight for himself. Someone needed to stand up to him.

He looks at me, surprised, along with all the other girls.

“My office. Now.” He growls at me. He starts to walk away but I laugh, making him stop in his tracks.

“What the fuck is so funny?” He growls.

“You,” he turns around as I cross my arms across my chest, “thinking that whenever you know you’re wrong you need to bring them to your office and scare them.” He looks at me surprised and so does the rest of the office. I didn’t care if I got fired or not. I didn’t need this job.

He scoffs and laughs to himself. Next thing I knew, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards his office. His grip around my wrist was tight and there was no way I could get out of his grip.

“Let go!” He didn’t budge. He pulled me all the way in his office and roughly shuts the door, throwing me against the leather chair, closing his blinds. Once all of his blinds were closed, he stood there looking down at his feet.

“What the honest to god fuck was that?” I yelled at him. He didn’t do anything. I scoffed and started walking towards the door until Luke grabs my wrist and pins me up against the window, his crotch on mine. I try to get out but he pins my hands above my head.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He yells in my face. “Are you trying to get yourself fired?”

“I’m trying to get away from an asshole!” I scream back, my face turning red as I feel his cold hands go up and down my wrists.

“Why am I an asshole?” His grip tightens.

“Maybe because you asked me for sex and you’re here pinning me up against my own will!” I push my hands forward and he lets go, so I take the opportunity to push him off. He stumbles back and I look at him, trying to catch my breath.

“I’m not an asshole.” He says.

“Please,” I cross my arms, “I’m already out of breath, don’t make me laugh.” He picks up his pen and throws it across the room.

“I am not an asshole! Maybe if you weren’t so stupid, you would know that I like you!” He immediately makes a straight face. I was surprised. My mouth slightly opens and I could feel my hands get clammy. I stand up straight and straighten my jacket.

“You should really be a comedian, Luke. Cause that is funny as hell.” I turn around to open the door but Luke runs up to me and grabs my wrist and turns me around, slamming his lips onto mine. He moves his lips across mine and they fit perfectly. His hand let go of my wrist and was on my hips, pulling me closer. I open my eyes, immediately snapping out of it. I pulled away and I looked at him with teary eyes, both of our breathing growing heavier.

“I fucking quit.” I scoff and run out the door, ignoring the stares I was getting from the other girls. I go to my cubicle and throw my stuff into this empty box that sat beside my desk. After quickly putting all my stuff in, I grab my laptop and flash drive out of the company Mac and throw them both in.

“Y/N, what are you doing?” Y/BFF/N asked.

“Something I should’ve done a long time ago,” I grab my bag and pick up the box. “I’ll see you later for drinks.” I roll my eyes at the other girls who were staring at me.

“Y/N!” I hear Luke says. I walk faster towards the elevator and rapidly press the button. This elevator could not be any slower. “You can’t leave me here, stranded, without an answer!”(if you know what song thats from, you the mvp) I roll my eyes and decide to take the stairs. I just needed to leave this place.

LUKES POV

I looked at the girls who were staring at me, confused. I grunted and went back into the office, roughly shutting the door, growling at myself, throwing the closest thing I could find across the room. How can I fuck up so bad?

I was being so fucking honest. I really did like Y/N. Shit, I liked her. The way she would cover her face with her hands when she was upset, the way she looked like when she wrote on her computer. The way she would quickly close her browser whenever I walked by. Even though we never had a real conversation, she was different than any of the girls I met. Mainly because every other girl I met, I fucked.

I loved how her hair looked when she walked into my office and the light from the sun would make her hair shine. I loved how she looked everyday. And I fucked it up. I fucked it up by telling her I wanted to make her scream. I fucked it up by yelling at her. You fucked up big time you stupid fucker.

I sat at my desk and ran my fingers through my hair, cursing at myself. What the fuck are you doing? You just made the only thing that made your day walk away. Fuck, what am I feeling? What am I feeling in my stomach? I need to get rid of this feeling. This feeling is so foreign.

I looked up from my hands as I heard the knocking at my door.

“What?” I yelled towards the door, rubbing my eyes. The door opened and a girl from the social media department, i think, walked in.

“Mr. Hemmings, I just wanted to see if you were okay. All of the girls were wondering.” She moved her hips, her skirt flowing left to right. She shut the door and walked over to the desk. “I was wondering if you were okay.” I looked up at her smile and she fluttered her eyes at me. I needed to get rid of this empty pit in my stomach. I got up from my chair and grabbed her wrists, pulling her into my lips.

lol sorry this is so short but i have to write a 10 page report thats due this friday and i haven’t started. lol but honestly why do you guys like this it wasn’t even that good lol. uhmm for the people who were wondering what happened to angels and demons, I’m still writing it, its just that the next part has smut and i suck at smut soooooooo

request pt 3

Please go see The Big Sick...

It’s a wholesome and original romantic comedy that will tug at your heartstrings, make you smile and very likely generate a high respect for comedian Kumail Nanjiani and his wife Emily V. Gordon, who wrote the film together. It is inspired by the first time Kumail and Emily met and the distressing events that followed when Emily endured a major sickness, forcing Kumail to face her parents and become torn between his family’s cultural expectations and his feelings for Emily. The Big Sick explores the ups and downs of interracial relationships in an effortlessly funny and genuinely poignant manner, backed up by raw and endearing performances. The best film I’ve watched this year. 

@theacademy, please, for your consideration…

  • Best Picture
  • Best Original Screenplay: Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon
  • Best Actor: Kumail Nanjiani
  • Best Supporting Actress: Holly Hunter
Calum Hood Imagine - I Love You

Requested: Sort of

Synopsis: You and Calum finally get some time off to do cute coupley stuff but Calum wants something else.

Word Count: 1,450, so short and suckish I’m sorry

Tags: Fluffy, Cute, Stupid couples

 IMAGINES // PREFERENCES // REQUEST 

“Slow down!” You giggle, chasing after Calum as the cool, autumn wind whipping through your hair as you run.

“Maybe you should just hurry up!” He taunts, turning around momentarily just to give you his signature smirk before dashing off towards the park.

“Ugh! Please just slow down, Cal!” you plead, desperately trying to catch up to my idiot of a boyfriend. “We should spend the limited time you have off, together! Not chasing after one another!”

“Okay, okay!” He replies, stopping abruptly in his tracks. He opens his arms out to you, allowing you to run into them when you finally catch up.

“Thank you!” you pant, running into his arms, causing him to stumble backwards. He immediately pulls you into his body, forcing you to fall down with him.

“Calum!” You shriek, falling on top of Calum.

“Are you okay, baby?” He questions, looking up at you with concern.

“Am I okay? You’re the one who hit the ground!”

“I’m fine, baby girl. I promise.” He smiles.

“Are you sure?”

“Well, it hurts a bit but it’s nothing one of your kisses can’t fix.” He puckers his lips and you gratefully oblige, pressing your lips to his for a quick kiss.

“Much better.” He mumbles against your lips.

“Are we going to get up or are we going to stay on the ground for the rest of the night?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. I rather like how you look on top of me.” He smirks, winking at you.

“We are in a public place, Hood. Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?” He growls.

“Don’t try to turn me on,” You smirk, removing yourself from him. You brush off your pants and extend your arm out to him. “I want ice cream.” You smile down at him and he groans.

“Asshole.” He mutters, not so willingly taking your hand. 

“Don’t be like that, Cal.” You state firmly, connecting your lips for another brief kiss. “Besides, you will get what you want. Just not now.” You whisper as you pull apart from him, leaving him dazed.

“Time for ice cream!” He squeals, snapping out of his trance.

“You wanted to have sex in the park just moments ago and now you’re already acting like a little boy. Unbelievable." 

"I am unbelievable,” He pauses, smirking at you. “In bed.” He whispers, his tone dropping a few octaves.

“Yep, you truly are unbelievable.”

“But you love me.”

“We’ll see about that.” You giggle.

You interlock your hand with his, your fingers fitting in with his like a missing puzzle piece. You lean your head onto his shoulder as you walk, the whistling of the wind surrounding the two of you. “Do you know how much I missed holding your hand while I was on tour?” He whispers, playing with your fingers. He stops walking and turns to face you. “I missed holding your hand at night and kissing your lips in the morning, even though your breath is vile,” He chuckles. “I missed playing with your soft hair while we cuddled at night. I missed the smell of your perfume and the taste of your lips. I missed you so much and believe me when I say that Luke’s cuddles are no where near as good as yours. I hated being so far from you. I love you so much.”

“Where did that come from?” You mumble, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks.

“I just thought you should know how much I love you. I feel like I don’t tell you enough and we’re always apart so I can’t show or tell you how much I need you, I know that if you were with someone else they would be able to tell you how much they love you every single fucking day. They could hold your hand every night and kiss you and cuddle you and sing you to sleep whenever they wanted and I can’t because I’m never home.” He chokes out, tears brimming in the corners of his eyes.

“You don’t need to tell me that you love me everyday for me to believe you. You don’t need to do things for me to show your love. I know you love me. I can tell you love me through the ‘good morning’ texts you always send, I can tell you love me with the little gifts that arrive in the mail from time to time, I can tell you love me through our weekly skype dates, I can tell you love me when I hear your voice through the phone when you’re halfway across the world. I know you love me, Calum and if I wanted to be with someone else than I would be but I’m not. I’m with you and I wouldn’t trade you for anyone in the world. I love you so fucking much Calum Thomas Hood and don’t you ever dare think otherwise.”

He doesn’t respond, he just stares at me with glassy eyes. The setting sun illuminated Calum’s features as it disappears behind the horizon. “Don’t ever leave me.” He whispers, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I won’t. Unless Logan Lerman comes to my door one day, I’m yours forever.” You tease.

“That’s not funny.”

“Aw, come on, Cal,” You say, poking his bicep. “It’s not like Logan is coming to visit me anytime soon.”

“Y/N.” He whines and you sigh.

“I’ll never leave you Cal, not even for Logan Lerman.”

“Good.” He smiles, bending down to attach his plump, warm lips to your wind chapped lips. “I love you, Y/N.”

“If you loved me you’d finally take me to get ice cream.” You smile, staring up at him with innocent eyes.

“As you wish, princess. Now hop on!” He says, gesturing for you to jump on his back.

“Are you sure? I can just walk.”

“Get on my back, Y/N or I will pick you up and carry you the entire way.” You don’t bother arguing, you simply climb onto his back.

“To the ice cream shop!” He screams, racing off towards the tiny ice cream parlour you always go too.

“Calum!” You shriek, holding onto his neck for dear life. 

“Stop complaining and have fun!” He replies, spinning around and around until he loses his footing, sending you both crashing towards the ground.

“Oof.” You groan, rolling over to face Calum. “Are we going to make falling to the ground a new habit?”

“Maybe.” He smirks, helping you to your feet.

“Can I walk by myself now?”

“Fine." 

He shoves his hands in his pockets, leading the way to the ice cream shop. "I like spending time with you, Y/N.”

“Eh, I’m not too fond of you.”

“You’re really not funny.”

“I’m hilarious.”

“No, you’re not. Leave the comedy to me.”

“Oh, because you’re hilarious?”

“I’m a professional comedian, missy.”

“What? I thought you were in a band!” You gasp, holding your hands to your heart for dramatic affect.

“Band? Pfft, that’s just a backup for my comedy career.”

“Whatever floats your boat, Hood.”

“Oh, please Y/N, I’m hilarious and you know it.”

“Yes and I’m a professional actor.”

“You are a drama queen.”

“Excuse me. Do you wanna fight Hood? You joke, freezing in place.

"No now keep moving or we’ll never get our ice cream.”

“You’re just scared that I’ll beat you.”

“Y/N, you couldn’t open a jar of pickles.”

“So.” You scoff, folding your arms across your chest.“

"Let it go baby.”

“Fine.”

The remainder of the walk was filled with the same playful teasing and banter along with giggles and multiple kisses. It was pure bliss being able to spend time with Calum. It really does suck not being able to see him for such long periods of time but the moments you do have together make it all worth it. The bond you two shared was unbreakable.

“What are you getting?” Calum asks, eyeing the countless flavours of ice cream.

“I have no clue. There is so much to choose from.” You whine. “What are you getting?”

“Probably chocolate.”

“You’re so boring.”

“And you’re mean.”

“Pfft, I’m a saint.”

“Pick your ice cream and shut up if you don’t mind." 

You ended up settling with a rocky road double scoop in a waffle cone while Calum had his boring chocolate in a cup. After Calum pays you grab your ice cream and race out of the shop like a young child. "Thank you, Calum.” You smile, digging into to your ice cream.

“Can I try some, Y/N?”

“Ugh, fine.”

“Thank you.” He smiles at you, taking a lick of your ice cream.

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Calum?”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

HAHAHAHA THIS WAS CRAP

How I see the signs
  • Aries : Impulsive, funny, jock, popular, singer/actor/comedian, makes the whole class laughs
  • Taurus : Calm, says they're fine but actually aren't, sweet, has a lot of friends, likes hugs
  • Gemini : hilarious, generous, full of life, makes weird epic faces, doesn't deal w/ ur bullsh*t
  • Cancer : arrogant, kind, confident, would do anything for people they love, easily annoyed, tender heart
  • Leo : Shy, clumsy, laughs a lot, socially awkward, smiles a lot, logical, doesn't speak much
  • Virgo : wise, caring, individualist, bossy, wants things to be their way, mature, organized
  • Libra : Party, fun, sensitive, player, chill, sane, popular, unreliable, charming, can amaze you
  • Scorpio : makes friends easily, seems nice, helpful, when they want something ; they get it
  • Sagittarius : Peaceful, calm, tactful, mature, independent, no drama lama, passionate
  • Capricorn : loud af, extrovert, wants to have more friends, short, energy ball, popular w/ guys
  • Aquarius : has good grades, weird af, is craving love, would fight anyone who hurt people they care about
  • Pisces : shy, artistic, mysterious, sensitive, feels like no 1 understands them, loveable, empathic
Mini Series ➢ The King is Coming

                     Parts  I • II • III • IV • V • VI • VII • VIII • IX • X

Three weeks ago you were a homeless 17-year-old girl. A few months prior your mom had passed away from cancer leaving you with a large back account. You could have gone anywhere in the world but instead, you chose the small town of Mystic Falls, the place your mother grew up in. You felt like a part of her was still with you as you walked the streets of her childhood home. Every day you saw her class picture of 1992 when you passed by the front office of Mystic Falls high school. She had a big flashy hair style and wore bright red lipstick that she always had in her purse up until the day she passed away.

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Interest

Character: Jiwon(Bobby) - iKon
Genre:
Fluffy
Request:
Read it here!
Authors note:
Oh my glob! How long has it been since I last posted a scenario?? :( I’m sorry that I haven’t been doing much lately love bugs! School and work have been draining my out TT-TT; But I hope you all enjoy this! Especially the anonie that requested this! Let me know what you think! ^^ <3

- Admin T

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I literally am not interested in hearing any man’s opinions on female comedians. I don’t want to hear men try to justify to me why there “are no funny female comedians” or why studios won’t make movies with all-female casts when Leslie Jones literally did NOTHING but exist as a black woman in comedy and was still victimized like this. I am disgusted and I don’t want to hear men talk about it. I’m done.

And I especially don’t want to hear men talk about how ashamed they are of their gender, blah blah blah. Don’t invade this space just to talk about how “not like other guys” you are. Either take steps to fix the problem or get the fuck out of my face.

anonymous asked:

It's not like you can never, ever make a rape joke. Of course you can! You can joke about your own rape experience all you want. Unless that's, like, too difficult for some reason...

Rape is not funny.  A lot of “comedians” (amateur and otherwise) seem to disagree, or to believe that there is something noble or edgy about being irreverent enough to joke about that kind of violation, but I can’t get on board with that.  The state of rape culture and the struggle that survivors face is just not amusing to me.  

On the other hand, the circumstances under which we live sometimes require that we laugh in order to keep from going crazy.

So where do we draw the line?  I’ve found that humor can draw attention to the reality of being a woman, which includes living under the constant threat of violence (sexual and otherwise).

Here is a good example of a joke that illustrates the threat of rape without making rape itself the joke.

There is also another joke by Ever Mainard where the punchline of the joke is that the reality of rape culture is such that rape is an inevitability.

The jokes with which I take issue are those which make the survivor the butt of the joke.  Jokes about rape culture can serve to bring the issue to the forefront of discussion in a way that makes it more accessible as a topic of conversation.

-Spider-