come howl with me

His || Jungkook || 0.18

Member: Jungkook x Reader

Type: Angst, Fluff, Smut.

Teaser | 0.1 | 0.2 | 0.3 | 0.4 | 0.5 | 0.6 | 0.7 | 0.8 | 0.9 | 0.10 | 0.11 | 0.12 | 0.13| 0.14 | 0.15 | 0.16 | 0.17 | 0.18

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x /Sangbum Playlist/ x

My top ten recommended Sangbum songs!

1.  Somebody To Die For - Hurts
2. Weathered - Jack Garratt
3. Reforget - Lauv
4. 5AM - Amber Run
5. Silhouette - Aquilo 
6. Come Back For Me - Jaymes Young
7. Howl - Florence And The Machine
8. One Way Or Another - Until The Ribbon Breaks
9. Stripped - Shiny Toy Guns
10. Between The Bars - The Civil Wars

*Click the high fins for the youtube links! 

anonymous asked:

So glad you're okay tight now! I'm sending all my good thoughts your way!

Thanks, Anon. Irma has mostly passed through my area. They say that there might be some residual gusts blowing through later in the day, but the worst is over. My backyard is a complete mess of uprooted trees and bushes and coconuts, and my power is out and I’m slowly melting into a puddle of my former self from the heat, but I am safe!

Look Alive

The atmosphere sighs
Eerie miasma
I’m swallowed up by
Phantasmic plasma

Specters of failed dreams
Parts of self I shed
Then come howling screams
From me or from the dead?

Ghosts of past endure
Shocking energy
Now I’m not so sure
The live one is me

pieannamay  asked:

Shieldshock prompt: Darcy gets stranded somewhere and Steve comes to the rescue. It can be a first meeting type thing or an established relationship. Or, they know each other, but not very well.

“What did you say her name was?”

Steve Rogers adjusted the backpack on his shoulder as he jogged back toward his bike. He was running low on fuel, not just for his bike but for himself as well. Sad blue eyes fixed on the motel before him, drawn there by the lovely smell of food and the muffled sound of eighties music. He was supposed to be in there, soaking up the warmth and eating a hearty meal after a long day’s journey. But his emergency phone had gone off before he had even reached the door of the motel.

“Lewis,” the distracted voice of Clint Barton floated through from the other end of the line. “Darcy Lewis. She’s hard to miss. Dark hair, short, mouthy… well endowed.”

Steve snorted at his choice of words. “Right. Send me the location. I’ll get to her as soon as I can.”

“Great. She’s just down the road. Drive straight.” There was a pause, then Clint spoke in a hurry, “The party’s starting. Gotta go.”

“Clint, send me her location!” Steve repeated forcefully but the line was already dead. “Excellent,” he muttered, stuffing the phone in his pocket and kick starting his bike.

Why had he decided to return home? He was better off living alone in the hills with just his shield for company. People expected too much of him. Not that helping a dame—whose car had broken down in the middle of the highway—was demanding work, but it had been his last day with himself, the final few hours before he had to haul himself back to a life of avenging and superhero-ing.

He had been looking forward to a peaceful dinner and a good night’s sleep, but there he was, driving around blindly in the night in search of a woman he’d never met.

The road was dark and deserted, light rain sleeked up the asphalt, and the thin fog made it difficult to see over a certain distance. Steve kept his eyes and ears open as he drove. Clint didn’t call him again, nor did his phone beep with Darcy Lewis’ location. God, he had such idiots for friends. She’s just down the road. Drive straight. What the hell kind of instruction was that? He had been scouring the highway for the past ten minutes and he hadn’t come across a single broken down car.

Five minutes later, wet and irritated, he was on the verge of giving up and calling Clint when flashing amber lights in the distance caught his eye. Steve squinted through the mist and realized they were car indicator lights. His fingers curled firmly around the accelerator and he sped down the road at full throttle, skidding to a halt behind a bright yellow Beetle.

A creature that was most definitely not human stepped out from behind the hood and regarded him in awe. “Well, I’ll be damned,” it said with a delighted laugh. “Captain America in the flesh. I thought Clint was dicking around when he said he was sending America’s favorite son to rescue me.”

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I Am An Alpha Ch 12: Run

A/N: Okay lovelies I just want to make it clear if you didn’t see my post earlier, Insoo calls the boys hyung because she was raised as a boy in the military for the last 100 years. Since she is so used to it she continues to call every older man hyung even though it is not right which is why EXO was so confused by it. I hope this clears everything up for you lovelies! 

Half of the table is on their feet, low growls come from deep in their chests, sending me sinking into my seat. My face burns with embarrassment at Chanyeol’s question, I find myself hiding me face in my hands, thankful that no one is really paying attention to me but focusing all of their rage at the giant on the other side of the table. I have been dreading this question, secretly praying they wouldn’t even think to ask but of course they did, they must be curious.

“Chanyeol,” Head alpha snarls, “Out.”

The tall boy gulps as he stands from his seat and shuffles towards the back yard where I’m guessing he will transform and sit outside for his punishment. I feel a little guilty, he is just curious, he doesn’t deserve to be punished for that. In a quick decision I jump up from my seat to defend him.

“Wait Hyung, it’s okay, I understand that you want to know.”

Kris shakes his head, “We all discussed this, you don’t have to explain anything you are not ready to say. Chanyeol knows that we wanted to wait before we asked personal questions like that.”

“You guys don’t have to wait to ask anything,” I reassure. “You guys are my mates, you are going to learn about these things no matter what, and they are going to be embarrassing to admit no matter what so might as well get all of those things out of the way now.”

“Are you sure?” Minseok rests his hand on my shoulder, his gaze much softer.

I nod, “Yes, there shouldn’t be any secrets, right?”

“Yes but since I can imagine this will be followed by even more questions can we wait for the answer until you are done eating?” Kris pushes my half eaten plate of food closer.

The table nods.

“Are there any questions you would like to ask us?” Luhan wonders.

“Um…” I think for a moment, “From the way Kris hyung was dressed yesterday, I take it you guys have jobs? What do you do?”

Kris is the one who responds, “We shadow run a few companies and business that are under our family name.”

I cock my head in confusion, “Shadow run?”

“We have a family that serves us be the face of the company since we don’t age. We are the ones who do the paper work, approve everything and other things, they just get to sit in the office with the title.” Suho explains.

“But we all still work in the company, just at lower levels to make sure things are running good,” Yixing ads on.

“So what will I do when you all go to work? How long do you work for? I mean I can get along fine I just,” I pause, debating if I want to sound as desperate as I imagine I do.

Yixing catches on to my struggle and tries to help, “You don’t want to be alone?”

I nod.

“No need to be shy about that Love,” Luhan coos sweetly from across the table. “We don’t want to leave you either.”

I push my plate away with the last large bite of food stuffed in my mouth. A silent signal that I’m done. They all watch me with amusement as I struggle to finish the massive bite. I give them a big smile when I’m done, “That was the most delicious meal I’ve ever had in my life, thank you so much Hyung!”

“Are you sure you are full?” Yixing questions as he pats my head.

“I’m full. I want to answer anymore questions you have for me as soon as possible. I don’t want worry to be weighing down on your minds like I know it is right now. So to answer you question,” I take a deep breath to try and calm my racing heart and ease the burning in my cheeks. “I would have to handle it by myself. Jin or Namjoon hyung would lie to our superiors that we had a lead about some group of powerful alphas so we could leave base. When we were far enough away from everyone they would send me off to a cave with some previsions and I would um, take care of myself for that week.”

Suho grimaces, “Did they leave you out there by yourself while in heat? What if some wolves came along and caught your scent?”

“Jin hyung stayed close by but Namjoon hyung had to take the others farther away so they wouldn’t feel tempted to come after me.”

“What about when your pack members would be in rut?”

“Whenever a solider was in rut they would kick him out of camp until he could handle himself. Kookie was the only one who ever actually tried to do anything to me and he stopped the moment he realized what he was doing.”

Kai snarls, “What the hell did the little punk do?”

“He crossed a line and I made sure to let him know. The rest of the pack gave him hell so you have nothing to worry about.”

“But you do,” Chen hums with an amused smile, “One of your mates will be going into rut here soon and the rest of usually follow.”

Again the room goes silent, my face is burning with embarrassment, “Really? How soon is soon?”

“Chen,” Kris warns.

“What Hyung?” Chen fakes innocent, “Embarrassed to talk about your rut? It’s a completely normal thing that you have gone through before, but this will be your first time with a mate. Don’t tell me your aren’t excited. I’m over the moon at the thought.”

The room fills with strong alpha pheromones that have me sinking into my seat. Kris is on his feet, his eyes a brilliant gold, “We need to go for a run, now, apparently everyone has too much energy. Everyone out!” The group of men quickly pushes away from the table and rush towards the back doors that lead to the forest. Kris is the last one, his hands are gripping the table, eyes closed tightly for a moment while he tries to rein in his wolf. When he opens his eyes again they are their usual brown. “I am sorry about that.”

“These are things we need to talk about, no need to apologize. Now go for your run, I’ll be fine here.” I try to wave him away but he shakes his head.

“You haven’t transformed into a wolf for a long time, this would be a good time to do it.”

“I can’t control myself very well when I’m like that, I don’t want to do something wrong.”

He chuckles, “You won’t do anything wrong, plus don’t you want to show us your wolf? I’m dying to see what you look like. I bet the rest of the pack is too.” He holds a hand out to me that I quickly accept not wanting to keep all the others waiting. “You can take off your clothes in here so come out when you are ready okay?”

I want to disagree again but I close my mouth when I see the stern look on his face. He gives me a smile before walking the way the rest of them went, leaving me alone to transform. I sigh, it has been so long since I’ve transformed and I’m actually scared of how I’m going to do once I step on the snow-covered ground. But a small howl comes from the living room and I know it’s them telling me to come. I slowly begin sheading Yixing’s clothes and for a minute I just stand there with my arms wrapped around my trembling body. My chests rises and falls as I take long deep breaths, relaxing as much as I can.

I grunt when I feel my bones start t contort, my shoulders go back before shifting legs send me forward on all fours. A snarl leaves my chest as my bones begin to crack before snapping back into place. It doesn’t hurt like the first time I transformed but it isn’t the most pleasant feeling now either. My fur pours out of my pores until I’m completely covered sandy colored hair. I can’t hold in the howl that rips threw my lungs and fills the empty house.

My ears ring as the world buzzes around me. It has been so long since my senses have been this sensitive. It is strange walking on all fours again after so long, I don’t imagine I look very graceful as stumble into the living room and out on to the patio but they are looking at me with the golden eyes I suddenly feel beautiful. My omega status is obvious in my wolf form, I have never been so thankful for the military’s rule against transforming. There is only so much I can hide. Being half the size of an alpha that isn’t something I can hide. Kris tires to approach me but Chanyeol happily hops in the way, making the head alpha growl. Chanyeol sniffs the air around me before going straight for my neck. I jump back surprised by his sudden attack.

That’s all it takes to have the others rushing over and tackling the other to the ground. Yixing comes in between me and the fight breaking out, a small whine of concern comes from the sweet man. He leans down so we are nose to nose, I lick his nose softly to let him know I’m okay, just surprised. I happily nuzzles into his neck breathing in his sweet scent when another wolf appears next to me. Kyungsoo is there glaring at the older, obviously upset with our closeness.

Kris comes over to defuse the situation pushing both boys away. I don’t know what he says to them through their pack bond but they part like the red sea. Head alpha nudges me forward into the snow, I know he wants to have fun in my wolf form but I already feel the urge to run when I see the massive forest at the edge of the field. But when he pushes me forward again I quickly follow his orders and my urges. Without anymore persuasion I shoot past all of them straight to the forest. Apparently that is not what Kris wanted because the next thing I know they are running after me, their snarls echoing through the forest. Of course they can easily catch up to me but not before I catch the scent of my pack near by. I didn’t think I could reach this far so quickly but apparently I am a lot faster than I thought.

Kookie! Jiminie! Taetae! Hobi! Hyungs! I scream gleefully, briefly forgetting the group of alphas only feet behind me. The idea of showing them I transformed has me smiling in my mind but that smile is quickly wiped away when someone tackles me. I roll on to my back to see Kai leering over me his teeth bared. My heart stops and I let out a small whimper. Out of nowhere a black wolf takes Kai down, they roll together, nipping at each others throats, Jongin manages to get on top of the younger wolf

Jungkook!

My pup whines when the older bites down on his throat, his hind legs kicking in a panic. I rush over and try to push Jongin off but he’s too strong for me. The others only watch with a bit of satisfaction in their eyes that makes me snarl. Without hesitation I bite Jongin’s leg, he jumps but doesn’t move away, from Kookie whine I think he actually bites harder. A second later my thought is confirmed when the smell of Jungkook’s blond enters my nostrils. I jump at Jongin again and again but he won’t budge. Kookie’s whines become more frantic, our pack must hear us. They come rushing into the forest in their human form.

“What the hell is going on?” Namjoon roars, my pack bare their teeth at the site of Jungkook on his back and me whining in obvious distress.

The black dragons return the action. Kris comes forward with obvious irritation in his eyes. I look to Namjoon, begging him with my eyes to help Kookie.

“Get off our pup!” Jin commands.

Kai snarls.

I scratch at his side gently hoping it might work but when his eyes flick to me they are still red. I do it again and again my whines becoming more and more desperate. But he continues to ignore me.

“Are you trying to make her hate you?” Yoongi snaps, “That pup matters more to her than all of you combined!”

Wrong thing to say. Jungkook screams, I charge at Jongin one last time but fail. With no other choice I transform, ready to beg of his life if that’s what it takes. On my knees my legs are buried in the snow, my whole body bared but I don’t care. My fingers tangle in Jongin’s fur, I rest my forehead on his rib cage and beg, “Please stop. Please don’t kill my pup. I can’t loose anymore of my family.” Tears are streaming down my face, my body is trembling from the cold and the small cries vibrating in my chest.

“You idiot! It’s fucking freezing! You can’t transform!” Jin tries to run to me but half of my mates get in between us, Yixing wraps himself around me to keep the cold at bay but I push him away.

Glaring over my shoulder I snap, “Now you want to help?”

His mouth opens as if he is trying to say something but it snaps closed when his eyes scan my back. Scars, so many scars from punishments and raids gone wrong. Is he just noticing them now? I look back to Jongin and gently tug on his fur.

“Hyung please,” I mumble softly. He releases Jungkook’s throat, he slowly steps away allowing me to collapse on top of my pup. I rest my head on his chest and let out a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to die,” I admit quietly. Kookie rolls over, a small whine escaping his muzzle. Our press our forehead together, “I know I said I would never beg but I was so scared. I can’t loose you Kookie, I can’t let you die because of me.”

“Insoo what the hell is going on?” Namjoon questions.

“I’m sorry Hyung, I got excited when I transformed and rushed here to show you guys because I got so excited.”

“But what’s with all the hostility?” Hobi gulps.

“I’m not sure,” I confess. “Jongin hyung tackled me and Kookie came to try and save me and things just got so messy.”

“Can you get out of the way before she fucking freezes?” Jin spits. He must have ran inside quick. In his arms are some of my clothes that my mates will probably not approve of because of the scent. But right now I couldn’t care less. I stand up and walk past my mates to Jin. I happily accept the clothes, noticing the intense atmosphere when my mates notice the scars on my back. I throw on the long sleeve shirt and pull on the wore out pair of jeans. Jin nicely helps me with my boots and jacket. “There all better.”

“Thank you Hyung.”

“Now you should get going,” He pats my head.

I curse, “What? You expect me to go back with them after that?”

“They probably thought you were coming to run off with us or something. Go home and talk.”

“Hyung!”

“Insoo,” He warns. “You can’t expect this to be simple. This is going to take a lot of work. If you expect them to understand you, you have to understand that they are going to be possessive.”

“But I want to be with you guys!”

“Tomorrow, okay? We can spend time together tomorrow okay?” He pulls me into a hug. “I know this is hard but you have no idea how hard it would be to be a part from them. Plus they saw your back they are going to be concerned.”

I sigh but turn around. Kookie runs up to me and licks my cheek, I pat his head with a smile, “See you tomorrow pup. Stop causing trouble.” I walk closer to my mates and try to pick who I hate the least at the moment. Yixing, Kris, and Jongin, can go fuck themselves right now. None of them helped so it’s hard to decide. Jongdae is staring at me with big eyes that draw me towards him, “Jongdae hyung, can I ride on your back?”

……………………………………….

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I end with a firm glare directed at the doe eyed man who asked.

Luhan frowns, “I know you are upset with us right now but we want you to be able to talk to us even if we are in a bad spot. Insoo you have scars all over your body, what are they from?”

I groan, “They are from years of abuse and torture in a slave army, what do you think they are from?”

“Insoo,” Kris warns.

“I’m sorry, am I being insensitive? I imagine it’s really hard to think about all the things that could have happened, I have no idea what it must be like to think about things like that. It’s not like I had to go through it.”

“You need to go cool down,” Kris commands.

“Oh really? Are you going to make me?”

“I don’t want to make you but if I have to I will.”

I scoff, “You really think you can make me?”

He grabs my hand and pulls me along. We leave the others behind, they huff and mumble to each other about me and I’m guessing about what could happened to me to get so many scars. Kris doesn’t say anything as he drags me up the stairs and to the door all the way at the end of the hall. I don’t put up much of a fight when he throws me inside and stomps into the closet. He emerges with a t-shirt in his hand that he tosses at me.

“Change.”

“No.”

He growls, “I am going to talk with my pack. I want to be out of those stinky clothes by the time I get back.”

“You can’t talk to me like that! I am not some pathetic omega you can just order around!.”

“I am speaking to you the same way I speak to any other disobedient alpha. Regardless of the fact you are my mate I will not let you disrespect my pack like that. This not how I want to talk to my mate but you are leaving me no option.”

“You guys attacked my pack today!”

“Because we were all horrified that they were trying to runaway with you.”

“I told you I didn’t want to go for a run! I told you I would do something wrong but you assured me there is nothing I could do wrong!”

He is silent for a minute, “I’m sorry for raising me voice and speaking so rudely to you.”

“I’m sorry for snapping.”

“I really need to talk to the others so can you please change out of those clothes? I’ll be back in a little while.” He turns on his heel and leaves. I stare at the shirt in my hand before pulling off my clothes like an upset child. The shirt is like a dress on me, I grumble to myself about finding some pants but I really don’t want to go digging through things and start another fight. I eye up his bed for a minute before crawling on to it. It smells like firewood a scent that warms my insides. I bury myself in the blankets and pillows hoping if I dig deep enough I’ll just disappear.

God I made such a mess. I should have controlled my wolf and my mouth better. How could I let things get so out of control? Kookie could have died today. My mates don’t trust me and pretty much hate me right now. Did they really think I was just going to run? Do they really think that little of me? I want to scream and cry but all I can do burrow deeper into Kris’s scent. Maybe this will be better when I wake up.

I can only hope.


I’m so sorry if this sucks, I’m half asleep and wanted to finish this while I still have the determination!

Originally posted by arian5a

Here. Look at Derek’s face. That’s the moment he realizes this kid, this Stiles person, actually means something to him. Derek has no idea who he is to his older self, but it suddenly became clear why he felt so compelled to trust the hyperactive spaz of a boy, in the first place, right off the bat.


Derek had just lost everything or, at least, had just been reminded of it all. And he hadn’t recognized the short hair, whiskey honey eyes and ivory skin. But Derek opened up to him like he would to… He didn’t know, a family member? A friend? A… lover? Was this kid his boyfriend? Partner? Husband? Derek didn’t know. And, the more time he spent with Stiles, the more frustrated he felt that his memories weren’t coming back.


Then, Stiles drove him to his apartment. Rather, the apartment his older self lived in. He was sad to realize there wasn’t much to help him understand the person he would become. Derek touched the books he couldn’t remember buying, frowned at finding the Camaro keys on the counter. He had never wanted a Camaro, it really surprised him that he had one now. There were no pictures on the walls and the place smelled clean, lacking everything that should make that apartment his home. It honestly looked like he didn’t even live there.


Well, lacked almost everything. Because Stiles was there and the apartment smelled like him already. And he seemed to know the place like the back of his hand, if the scent of Adderall and hazelnut coffee wasn’t enough to tell the wolf just how much Stiles stopped by. Derek watched as the human walked into the kitchen, grabbing himself a beer from his fridge. A Bud, of all brands.


“When was it that I started drinking that?” Derek lifted his gaze when Stiles chuckled, resting against the counter before taking another long gulp from the long neck bottle.


“You keep them here for me, actually” Stiles answered, hand on the back of his neck after settling the bottle down on the sink countertop behind him “In case I want one whenever I come over. You don’t spend a lot of time here either, these days, but it’s a safe Heaven, I suppose”


“Does it happen often? You coming over?” Derek asked, frowning slightly when Stiles looked sad, all out of a sudden, his scent not as sweet as before.


“More often now then it used to, I guess” Stiles shrugged “You’ve been helping me cope with something and, well… yeah, quite often”


Derek huffed, resting against the counter opposite from Stiles’, arms crossed across his chest. He had this feeling his body shouldn’t be this small, sure that he had grown buff after getting older. Derek’s mind felt foggy, like there was someone keeping his head underwater and his lungs burned, begging for air. And Stiles didn’t help. Derek felt like a moth drawn to a flame, like this kid in front of him should have all the answers, but, instead, the haze only grew thicker, whatever spell he was under really didn’t want him to remember Stiles.


“Kind of hard to think I could ever help anyone get over anything” Derek chuckled bitterly, eyes on the floor as he stared at his sneakers “Especially not like this”


“Let’s just say I fucked up big time and I felt comfortable and welcomed enough that I came to you when it got too much, like really fucking bad” Derek looked up into those honey eyes, feeling the air getting knocked right out of his lungs, no ground beneath his feet.


I love him. I love this kid. That’s what the feeling inside his chest was. It was love, huge and five times more overwhelming than it had ever been for him. And Derek hadn’t thought he could ever feel this for someone, something so wild and untamed as love.


And fuck, Stiles was right there, waiting. Desperate for Derek to remember him. Desperate to reach for him, touch his skin like Derek was sure they had already done multiple times. He could almost feel it, if he focused hard enough. How Stiles’ hand seemed to fit perfectly in his, how their bodies had already loved each other, over and over again. And Derek wanted to remember him so badly he stepped closer, the boy’s breath hitching softly as he did so.


“What are we?” Derek mumbled, close enough for Stiles to feel the warmth from his werewolf body. Stiles looked down, his brain coming back blank for the first time in a really long time “I know we are something and it’s driving me fucking crazy that I can’t remember, so, please, tell me”


“Derek…” Stiles’ mouth opened and closed. And Derek licking his lips as his eyes came down to catch the movement wasn’t helping the human formulate sentences, let alone search for a good way to explain their years of history.


“I’m your Anchor” Stiles whispered, waiting for the surprised look that never washed over Derek’s face. Instead, the wolf took another step, Stiles’ swallowing thickly around the lump in his throat when the wolf reached for the counter behind him, circling his waist and keeping him locked in place. They were so close all Stiles had do was lean forward two inches and kiss him. And fuck, he wanted to. But he wouldn’t, refused even. He needed Derek back to his normal age or for this Derek to remember him on his own “Maybe not now, but yours, when you’re older”


“I figured as much” Derek breathed Stiles in, the smell of coffee and peppermint enough to send his senses into overdrive. Was he already used to this? Or did Stiles always drive him insane like this? “With the crazy amount of things I’m feeling for your right now, I was right to assume you had settled as my Anchor”


“Do you remember how it happened?”


Derek wasn’t sure if the image that was brought up by his brain was his imagination, a memory or a dream. But he recognized looking down at his own hands and could remember Stiles keeping him afloat, out of danger.


“Was it a dream?” And Stiles fucking smiled at him. Stiles smiled and Derek knew he was fucked. Maybe it was because he was already in love with this kid years from now, but this had to be the fastest anyone had ever fallen in love, hard and carelessly. One smile and Derek was so gone on Stiles it honestly was pathetic.


“Yes, you dreamed about me” Stiles hand gripped the counter tightly, something Derek didn’t miss. He wanted Stiles to touch him and, if they were this close, Derek knew there had to be a reason for his distance “But it wasn’t a dream, not really”


“That makes absolutely no sense, Stiles” Derek groaned, rolling his eyes. Given how Stiles laughed, it was probably a common practice in their relationship.


“It does to us” Stiles bit his lip, looking at Derek for what felt like the first time long, painful minutes. His voice was nothing but a whisper but it was enough to make his wolf come out, a howl not at all contained inside his chest.


“Tell me there is an us” Derek whispered, hands almost breaking the marble from the counter behind the boy “Tell me I’m not wasting time when I could be with you”


“There is an us” Derek closed his eyes, feeling something finally settle inside his being, the wolf calmer immediately. Stiles bit his lip again, watching as Derek took long breaths, his biceps flexed as he braced himself against the counter “Took a really fucking long time, but there’s an us, yes”


“Am I stupid or something?” Stiles threw his head back, unable to resist laughing at Derek’s words. And Derek smiled, falling madly in love with the sound as soon as he heard it, memorizing it.


“That’s up for debate, Der” Stiles sighed, wanting to touch Derek so bad he almost passed out, the need to feel his skin again was so much bigger than anything that could fit inside his body that Stiles almost passed right out “But we’ve been through a lot, you and I and I guess we just wanted to be in the best place possible before diving head first. We didn’t want to ruin our chance”


“Are we in that place already?”


“Things didn’t go according to that plan” Derek wanted to make that sour scent of sadness disappear from Stiles, the air getting heavier as the boy continued to stare straight into his soul “I let something really fucking bad take over my body and I did a lot of unforgivable things, but you never judged me, not even once. When I showed up on your doorstep, drunk, after downing a whole bottle of sleeping pills, it was then that we got together”


“Wait, that’s our love story? We got together because you tried to kill yourself?!” Stiles gasped when the counter shattered behind him, Derek’s arm around his waist as the wolf pulled him away from the marble, large pieces of the material falling to the floor. Stiles’ hands were on his chest, the two of them staring into each other’s eyes.


“We got together because you took none of my bullshit, like I never did with yours” Stiles whispered, unable to stop himself. His hand fisted Derek’s shirt, the other running its fingers through his hair “There was always attraction between us, Derek, but love only happened much later. I tried to kill myself because I felt alone and guilty. But you shoved your fingers down my throat and made me throw it all up and, at first, I thought you would’ve understood that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I hated you for keeping me alive, but all you did was kiss me, after I woke up. You prepared me a bath, made me breakfast and told me you loved me, over and over, until I was convinced you loved me, just as wildly as I love you”


“Stiles…”


“It’s not always easy, as you probably already noticed” Stiles chuckled, sniffing, trying to keep the tears at bay “My hot, big bad wolf, Alpha boyfriend is stuck in his fifteen year old body, with absolutely no memory of who I am. But we go a day at a time, that’s how we’ve managed to survive this long”


“How long have we been a thing?” Derek whispered, taking the last step towards Stiles, the boy gasping softly when Derek placed his leg in between Stiles’, hands holding onto his waist so tight Stiles has no choice but to hug Derek back, just as tight.


“Three and a half years” Stiles smiled when Derek’s eyes grew wide, staring at him dumbfounded under the pale lights of their kitchen “We’ve known each other for five, but after the Nogitsune, we’ve…”


“I forgot three and a half years with you?” Derek mumbled, his brain, finally catching up with what Stiles had said “I… Was I… Am I a good boyfriend? If we’re together this long then you probably know about Paige and K…”


“I do, but we’re different” Stiles’ thumb caressed Derek’s cheek, smiling at the wolf “We’ve both been hurt and we loved each other far too much to ever do anything we didn’t think we were ready for. My love and respect for you, Derek, knows no limits and, that morning, you proved to me just how much you loved me too, with words and well, long hours on that very bed, worshipping me”


Derek felt himself smiling at his lover, biting his lip at Stiles’ fingers in his hair pulling tight at the strands, making him moan deep inside his throat. Stiles smiled, but didn’t move. He wanted Derek to make the first move, wanted him to choose where to go next.


“Fuck, I need to remember you, baby” Derek whispered, his hands gripping Stiles so tight there would be bruises on his skin the next day. And Stiles loved the marks Derek left on him “What if I don’t?”


“Then I guess I’ll just have to make you fall in love with me all over again” Stiles smiled, arms circled around Derek’ shoulders, moving his hips slowly, grinding against the wolf’ body.


Derek smirked, gasping, jaw slack at the friction, squeezing Stiles close against his body.


“Oh, baby…”


When Stiles woke up the next day, he nearly fell off the bed. There his boyfriend was, in all his 29 year old glory, resting on one elbow, muscled pecs flexed as he smiled down at a sleepy Stiles. And Stiles purred like a kitten, smiling as he let Derek pull him closer, arm around his waist, bringing their bodies closer together on the bed that had been once again witness to their love and how it could transcend the barriers of time.

Chapter 5- The Forgotten

Title: The Forgotten

Author: Nam

Genre: Angst, Smut, Fluff

Au: Werewolf

Warmth spread through my unconsciousness.

What happened?

“Oh-Oh, she’s not dead,” I hear someone cheer.

Oh…yeah… Namjoon was telling me that I’m a werewolf hybrid and then I fainted. Too much information at once. Things were too strange to not believe him.  I felt a rumble underneath me-must have been the bed I was on.  It was really soft.

“Mom, should Hobi-hyung be underneath Y/N like that?”

“Well, it’s the only way I can wake her up.”

Underneath…me?

Warning bells sounded off in my head, and my eyes flew wide open.  Only to see a giant wolf face.

Jungkook smiled, “Y/N! You’re okay!”

“Hobi, you might want to…”

I scream, scrambling off the belly of the monster. Then I noticed that the air smelled eerily like wet dog.  Looking around, I saw that i was not surrounded by men ( besides Jungkook) but 7 12-foot tall werewolves.  

My scream grew even louder as I rushed out of the house.  

That did not go well.

Halfway toward my house, I paused to catch my breath. I did not need the neighborhood to think I was a  crazy teen running from nothing. I was already the the friendless teen.  

I sat on the curb, holding my head between my legs. Being blasted with new information then actually seeing it was enough for me.  I could piece the rest together.  Dad had been a werewolf and Mom had been human, so that makes me a wolf-human? But werewolves are already shape-shifting humans right?  

I started walking again. Walking gives  me time to collect my thoughts. I remember something Namjoon said before I passed out:

    “Your father did not listen to our warning and married your mother, who was indeed another species of supernatural….”

So does that mean I’m not human at all? Or am I one-fourth human since werewolves are half-human? Regardless I am a hybrid. I wish I had parents to explain this to me, but sadly they died before they could.  Well not died, but murdered the same way my grandparents were.  But there was one more family member who knew everything.

Aunt Noel. She was still alive and walking. She was the only member alive, and the only member who somehow hated me.  Neither her husband nor her spoiled children. But she was the only person I could talk to.   I will just have to call her when I get home-if she answers.

I found myself, practically running to the house. This was a chance to finally know another piece about myself and to connect with Noel.  

Why hadn’t she told me earlier? She had obviously known about this; she wrote a freaking book based on her “adventures.” Why hadn’t she told me the last time she saw me?  Sure, the last time I  saw her was in a shopping mall–buying school supplies.  

    “Y/N, what are you doing here?” I turn around to see my aunt and my cousins. They were each holding a three bags in a hand.

   “Buying supplies.”

Jinhyun, the daughter my age, snorts, “With what money?”

Jinyoung, the son also my age, snarks, , “ The money she doesn’t have.  “

I sigh. I didn’t have time for either of them. The sale is was going to end in one hour and I was only on pens and pencils.

They all laugh as if it were the funniest thing ever.  I roll my eyes and try to move to the notebook section. My eyes were on the one with the basket full of puppies.

Noel blocked my advance, “ It’s actually nice that I met you here. I don’t need to go to that bastardly house. Who knows what you have been doing. You might even be waiting for a man here.”

I could just slap her if it wasn’t for the fact that a lady was trying to take my notebook.

“What do you want?”

“ I just wanted to tell you about something I forgot. Your father wanted me to give you a letter.”

    I wait for her to give it to me.  “And where is it?”

“Oh, it’s in his room, “ She takes a moment to think, “In a shoebox. Good luck finding it. “ She, Jinyoung, and Jihyun walk out the store.  However, Taehyun stays behind. She was the quietest of her siblings and takes pity on me whenever they pulled a prank.  

    I ignore her and continue to sift through notebooks–the puppy basket was gone.  I felt someone move behind me. It was her.

“I saw you looking at this while Mom was talking and I grabbed it before that lady did,” she hands the puppy basket notebook to me.

    I eagerly take it, “Thank you. “

    She stares at me before saying, “ Mom won’t tell you this but… You’re really special to our family. If you ever want to know what I mean, I can… I can help you. “ And with that, she hurriedly catches up with her mom and siblings.

I had never spoken to her or my aunt since then. I was too afraid of learning I was adopted or something. But now, I desperately needed answers.  I was either getting them from Aunt Noel or Taehyun.  


Opening the door to my house, the hairs on my neck stood up.  Something had changed. Did someone come fix the air conditioner? It had been broken and the house had been a desert. Usually they left a note, but the guy they sent must have been lazy.

Even so, I grabbed the bat I keep near the door and turn on the lights. I walked towards the kitchen, since it’s the place thieves steal  from first. Nothing. Until I rounded the island.  There was a huge glob of my peanut butter, bread, and bananas on the floor. I stared at the mess for a long time.  That was my favorite peanut butter, for one, and they didn’t bother to clean up the mess.  How rude.

Thunk! Thunk!

“Oh….hell…”

Spinning around, I see a shadow run up the stairs. Every sense in me told me to not run up the stairs, but curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back.  I tiptoed up the stairs making sure not to step on creaks.  It was dark in the hallway but the light to my parents room was on. I lifted my bat ready to swing if I needed to. Steadily toeing my way though, I listened for the tell-tale noises of an intruder. The room was silent as it normally is.  I had never stepped into this room before now; I abandoned this room when my parents died.  I didn’t need the memories.

I let my bat drop loosely, and sighed. Maybe it had been my imagination. Turning around to walk out, I banged my head on a wall. A furry wall. A breathy growling furry wall.

I squeaked.

The wolf launched its snarling mouth at me, but I used the bat to keep it open while I ran away.  Three stairs down, I heard the bat snap. It was metal, and the wolf had easily broken it.  With that thought,  I ducked inside the storage closet.  I thought about all the ways Teen Wolf  and Twilight had written about wolves.  

Smell. He probably has a scent of me. I knew there was a bottle of Bleach on the upper shelf. Maybe if i drowned my body in it, I could mask my scent.  I reach up for the bottle, unscrewing it, and, holding my breath, doused myself in the foul smelling stuff.

Sound. I had to be as still as not to cause a single sound. How do I do that? I don’t know, but this is life or death and I wanted life.

Sight.  More than likely the guy could see in the dark, so if he somehow opened the door, I was screwed.

Tough skin-  No knives could help me. Not even silver.  I would have been dead a long time ago.

I had to sit quietly. However long that took.  


Two hours had passed according to the little clock on the wall, and the wolf had not noticed me yet. He hadn’t left–I could hear him in the kitchen. Probably eating more of my peanut butter.

I could not be a sitting duck any longer. If I only I had a phone, then I could contact Taehyung or Aunt Noel if it needed be. But sadly, I was too stubborn ( and lazy ) to go out and buy a phone.  I always used the house phone. I didn’t have friends to call anyway. Plus if I used it, the beast in the kitchen would hear my voice amid his munching.

Wait…. Could I use the mind-talking Jin and Jimin used? Only one way to find out.  

Hello…?

Well, I didn’t expect it to work. I don’t have any idea of how to work this. Maybe I don’t even have the stupid thing.  Regardless, I tried again.

Jin-oppa! Can you hear me?

Nothing again.  What had Jin said? That you have to be in close proximity. Well, I totally couldn’t get close.  But what if I pictured Jin or any of the boys in my head?  I took a deep breath and focused on any boy.  Dark brown hair with a deep tan… Taehyung.

I exhaled.  Taehyung?

There was a something that sounded like  television static then it connected

Y/N? What’s wrong? How are you doing this?

Don’t worry about that. Is anyone else listening?

Yes. The other guys.

Well… I am kind of stuck in a situation.

What?

There’s sort of a man-eating werewolf in my kitchen eating my peanut butter.

The connection was cut short. Only because the door of the closet flew open. A man’s hands grabbed me by the collar.  I squeaked.

“Did you think you could hide forever? I smelled you before you poured the bleach on you. I just wanted to tease you,” Wolf-man growled into my ear. “By the way, you have great taste in peanut butter.”

I kicked him in the place where it hurts the most. He was momentarily shocked but that’s all I needed to wiggle out of his arms and run.  I was halfway down the driveway when Wolf-man came bounding after me. He springs up, his teeth bared, but I dive to the side.  I threw a stick at him… It didn’t work.  Miffed, Wolf-man roars and charges. I would have been killed if it wasn’t for another wolf crashing into Wolf-man, knocking him through the doorway.

“My house!”

That’s the least of your problems right now Y/N.

It was Namjoon’s voice-thought. Behind me, I hear six other howls.  They had come for me… Taehyung had listened… They had listened…

A midnight blue wolf with scarlet eyes pushes against me with his snout.  It’s best if you go to our house.  It was Yoongi.  

I nod. I could only guess what was going to happen to mine.  A deep chestnut wolf with the same colored eyes lets me get on top of him.  It’s ok. I will try and  salvage some of your things.  Jin.

But for now, let’s get you to safety.

Of Mothers, and Homes

This One shot takes place in some time at Winterfell where Dany is giving birth to their child with Jon. In her delirium, she sees her mother Rhaella, and tries to find some reason of her place, her home, her life. 

It is very emotional, and I enjoyed writing it, very different than the others. I hope you like it!!

Daenerys

Clinging to the sheets of the bed, she felt a strong force pushing out of her, out of her very own body, it felt strange, painful yet powerful. Feeling her warm sweat drops run through her forehead to her cheeks, she looked outside of the window, snow had fallen to the sides, made her fill with sadness. Her breath was quickening, dizzy with the heat, she found herself gasping for air. There was noise around her, whispers almost, someone had held her shoulder, looking up, red. red. it’s fire. she murmured. A distant memory perhaps of life, of home. 

Everything was blurry to her as she moved her hands up to rub her face, someone was pushing her knees apart, she didn’t know, had a soft voice, a man? telling her something perhaps. Her hands, they were red, blood? my child? warm, too warm. There was a pound at the door, someone was shouting from outside, all she could hear was someone’s shouting at the door. Jon? another pain rushed through her as she heard herself scream. JON! loudly, but it wasn’t loud, it didn’t feel loud, the blurriness was turning into grayness, and finally all black…

She felt peace suddenly, home almost, a nice breeze ran through her face,  feeling someone’s soft skin, her sweat was gone, the pain was gone, the voices..oh the voices..the woman with the red hair..the man’s voice..the shouting..Jon! she opened her eyes, almost floating, it was quiet, found herself in a warm summer house, felt the cool of the stone under her bare feet, the wind was touching her face and hair, looked at her hands, they were clean, her womb was swollen with her child, she felt it move holding herself..the room had large windows, outside lemon trees glowing under the sun. She walked looking for anyone. where is the snow? the winter? A spring..A dream of spring almost..

As she walked down the stairs, the red door appeared to her, she smiled..rays of sunshine were penetrating through all the windows, the room was brighter than she remembered. She heard a voice, a woman’s voice, turned around. There was a woman, she had a silky hair like hers, tall, beautiful, almost mesmerized by her. She was wearing a crown, a Targaryen crown “Daenerys…my child” she said.. Dany took a step closer, feeling tears through her eyes, reached her arm, longing for her..”mother!” gasped through her mouth, “be strong, my child, have courage, have faith” the woman said. Dany approached her even more, a pain in her chest made her eyes burry from tears, wanting to be with her mother, a lifetime of being alone, a home that she never had. She walked to her but felt the woman go further away from her. 

“mother, don’t leave me!” through her tears, she gasped walking faster now. “My little Daenerys, it will be over soon, you will have your child soon, be a rightful mother, you will take her soon in your arms..” she said.. “mother, I cannot..hold me mother for I am fearful” Dany was almost chasing a ghost, feeling lonely, motherless. “be true to your child, always be there, never leave, never let go of her small hand, I love you my sweet Daenerys” the woman continued through her bright face reaching her hand for Dany’s.. Dany felt her tears increase as she longed for her mother. “I love you mother, I love you..” she almost screamed as the woman left her, Dany fell her palms touch the stone wall where her mother had been, crying, crying for her childhood, for the warmth that she had longed for, “mother” she gasped again..

As she gathered her breaths, she heard giggling, the red door was open, two people were laughing in the gardens. walking outside, she felt the wetness of the newly watered garden grass below her feet, the warmth of the sun, her eyes were half closed from the intensity. 

There were children playing, boys and girl, hand in hand, chasing each other under the lemon trees. Dany smiled through her tears, walked to them, but she was never able to catch them..My children..she felt..They were angelic, wearing white, they had black and silver hairs, floating in the wind..Her tears were back, she touched her belly feeling a shock of pain through her, crossing her eyebrows, she heard a scream from the tower of the house. she turned around, looked up, it was a woman’s scream, she is in pain..

As she walked back to the tower for the woman, she heard “mother! come back for us” it was the children in between their giggling..Almost in a dreamy mind, she turned to them with a smile, love..their voices were mixed with the screeching of her dragons feeling their moves through the wind up in the air, she looked up, their shadows were dancing upon them..it made her fill with joy..”mother!” they had said again, she ran to them now, but the woman let out a loud scream, again, Dany turned around confused of what to do, but as she turned to her children, they were gone..Her face fell, sadness, no, no pain, agony, “where are you, children?” hearing their giggles from the house, in hurry, she fastened her pace, the woman screamed.

She ran upstairs through the stone floors, the woman was in the room at the end of the corridor, crying almost. 

She opened the door, In the bed in front of her a woman with a black hair was lying in the bed, in blood, looking at her, crying, a white wolf was sleeping on the bed next to her..Ghost? Dany looked with confusion, the room smelled of snow, of wood, of musk and the North, Jon? Where are you? she looked around, but the woman let out another cry, the room was empty, the woman’s belly was swollen. “come here, child” she heard her say. 

Dany sat next to her on the bed. The woman held her hand. “Take care of my child, look after him” she said. Dany felt her warm, and confusion, she reminded her of the man she loved, of Jon. The woman squeezed her hands strongly. “He is my child, my blood, by flesh, don’t let him stay in darkness, make him happy” the woman had a wolf in her. “I couldn’t give him the life he deserved, protect him Daenerys, promise me” she had said as Dany realized, the wolf, “Lyanna!” she heard herself say..”Be a mother to his children, something I couldn’t give to him, I heard him in his every cry, every whimper, love him, Daenerys” she said in tears, Dany held her hands strongly nodding to her. “Home, you are his home, his life, his love..” the woman continued..”love his children as much as you love him, he’s my baby, my child, my little Aegon” the woman said giving Dany a lonely blue ice rose, the ones that grew in Winterfell, the woman then fell to sleep as she let out a long sigh..Dany felt cold in her hands..the tears were flowing..

Holding the blue flower, she got up feeling herself shiver, she walked thinking of the children, but everything was getting colder, running out of the room, deliriously walked around, she saw snow falling outside, her breath was cooler, there was blood on her hands, on the blue flower, a fear took her, Jon, where are you?I need you she was scared, alone..she sat underneath a wall, holding her belly for her babies..sobbing..”mother! mother!” ..”mother, I’m scared, don’t leave me, my children”..immersed in her tears…”Daenerys, come home, come back to me” she heard Jon’s voice and a howling of a wolf outside. Holding herself, immersed in her tears, her eyes closed..feeling the blue flower falling from her fingers. 

Someone was shouting her name loudly ‘‘Daenerys! Your grace!”, the sweat and warmth rushed through her again, as the voices were back, she opened her eyes, her hands were bloody, the red haired woman was holding her, she is young..the man..he was approaching to her holding a baby in his arms..someone was rubbing her sweat..oh, it feels nice.. she sighed, the pain was gone..”It’s a girl, your grace!” the man with the tender voice was coming closer to her, as the woman with red hair washed her face, the coolness made her smile and relax. 

The man was here holding her baby girl, she felt herself seated, holding the baby, the warmth, the black hair wrapped in her white cloth, small eyes, mouths and chin. Her tears were back, the voices in the room were saying things to her, but none of that had mattered.. A drop of her tear fell onto the baby’s cheek, her thumb rubbed it off of her.. “My child” she said, “I love you, my child” she sobbed repeating it. Longing for her mother, she felt an intense joy in her, an urge to be the mother she never could feel, this child was not going to be lonely, this child was going to be happy, not defiled, not raped, not sold, this child was going to live with honor, with dignity, with two parents who were going to love her. Love, that is it. This was love. 

There was a strong pounding of a door, she heard his voice in between the voices, his curls, the smell of the musk, wood, snow and the North were back..All her pain was gone as he sat next to her like a dream, maybe she was still dreaming..She smiled for him, his grey eyes were wider than she remembered, he had joy in him, his heart was beating fast, she knew that as she gave him their child..She saw him hold her in joy with his tired and rough arms and fingers, life had tired him, murmuring things to her, and oh his lips on my forehead..he had kissed her.

“I love you Dany” he had said with his Northern accent, the man who gave me a child. It was love, this is love, this is all I ever wanted. She found herself reaching for him, kissing his lips, his face..He was home, they were home. Their mothers were gone, but he and I are going to be home for this little girl. She had promised to Lyanna, “I am your home” she said to him. “We will never leave you” she said as she kissed the side of his eye, his smile made her chest swell with love, with safety, with strength and faith. Her arms reached around him, wrapping each other with their baby. 

“I love you Jon’’ she had finally said it to the man, earning another warm kiss from him, tears came through her eyes as she had made him happy, all your life, in your darkness, in your pain, and death, I gave you life. A calamity took over her she fell herself fall on the pillow, a sleep took her, his lips were on her skin again “rest well, my love” he had said.. “I’m home” she murmured as the snow on the window narrowed in her gaze, making her float to the dreams…

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LIKE MY FATHER’S COME TO PASS: “Wake Me Up When September Ends”

I told myself I wasn’t going to write about grief in this letter, and especially not the first one.  But grief is selfish and greedy and its worst quality is the way it makes you like to it.  I have been trying to find a way to write around the hole my father left in my life since the day he died.  I have been looking for words that would come without forcing me to confront a howling absence.  They haven’t come.  Loss is like a black hole, and until you deal with it it will exercise the same level of gravity upon you as a black hole does until you are crushed within it.  I said that I look to letters to find honesty.  Well, here is my honest truth: it hurts.  It hurts so much that I am scared to look it in the face, still, even now.

I still don’t know who I am, this new, wilder beast rubbed raw against the edges of death’s implacable brutality.

I wrote these words over two years ago now, but they are as true today as they were then. Grief makes you strange to yourself. Grief re-orders your entire fucking world, and all it takes is an instant.

My father is dead. My father is dead. Six years have gone so fast and my father is still dead and he is always going to be dead, now, and I have no real better idea of how to deal with it than I did the day the call came and I broke a mug across the floor of my tiny London kitchen.

Billie Joe wrote this song about his father, who he lost even sooner than I lost mine. There’s no ordering of grief, no claim to a greater portion of it because your tragedy is somehow bigger or worse; we are all swallowed up in the force of it when it comes. But I got more time with my dad than Billie Joe did with his, at least. I am grateful for that.

What is grief? I have dedicated years of my life and considerable amounts of academic focus to that question. It’s not one that can be answered rationally, aside from “the yearning for something that is not there, will never be there again,” and that is not, will never be enough to explain the tiniest fraction of all that grief is, all that it does.

To turn to poetry, and music: 

Sappho says in the house of song there shall be no mourning, but all song is mourning. All shapes reflect absence; I have collected all the bits of soap, every trace that can still float, and strung them from the rafters. I am here with my flesh and my thoughts, trying to let go of you.

- Sina Queyras, from MxT

It took less than a year after my father’s death for people - well-meaning, kind people, who just wanted to see me get “better” - to start to ask me, gently, hesitantly, if maybe I needed to get over it. “Let go,” is the phrase they used.

But you don’t “get better” from grief, just like your loved one will never (unless they are a comic book character, I suppose) “get better” from death. Despite what our current, western, self-help and power-of-positive-thinking culture might like to believe, there are some things in life that simply can’t be fixed. Grief is one of them. The only thing you can do with grief is carry it, and learn how to live with your new weight.

I don’t know how to let go, anyways, not properly (David Foster Wallace: Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks on it.) and I wouldn’t even if I could. It would mean letting go of my father, too. Billie Joe, I think, understands this: Drenched in my pain again / Becoming who we are / As my memory rests / But never forgets what I lost / Wake me up when September ends.

Sara Ahmed, from The Cultural Politics of Emotion

When you suffer loss, the feeling isn’t actually of something going away from you; rather, it becomes something you have to carry with you - forever. You can’t fix it, you can’t get over it - because the only thing that would do so is the one thing that you cannot get back again, whether that be a person or a relationship or a stage of life or an innocence. Trauma recurs; we know this. It returns to you again and again and makes you relive it. Why are we so hesitant to admit that grief acts in a similar way? 

It comes down, I think, to our cultural fear of death. To grieve, openly, publicly, is to remind yourself and everyone else that we, too, will die. Any mention of death, in our culture, is a memento mori, and we do not want it. This is, aside from the somewhat clumsy political statement, why I think the official video for this song is something so unrelated to what the song is actually about. It’s a narrative that glancingly acknowledges the possibility of death, but does not solidify it - it blinks and looks away at the last second. This is what most people prefer to do.

So what do people like me, or Billie Joe, or others like us, do with the grief we have to carry?

To return to Anne Carson, who I mentioned yesterday:

Grief and rage–you need to contain that, to put a frame around it, where it can play itself out without you or your kin having to die.

from Grief Lessons

Over twenty years after his father died, Billie Joe wrote a song about it. Five years after mine died, I wrote a thesis. We put our separate griefs into the boxes afforded us with the tools we had at our disposal, and we let them play out.

It’s still there, still needs to be held, still heavier some days than others. But almost everything is easier to carry when you have a box to put it in.

- Jacqui // @sandovers

Princess Tarakanova

Jewels and gemstones; little tokens glitter in the dark hole where she has made her home after forcefully being thrown down there. She tightly holds the candle, limited in movement; hands cuffed, wrists locked together, shaking as her arms stretch out to reach further than she possibly can. Soft skin slides over stone, rubbing up against the crevice’s rugged walls. It’s a tight fit. Too tight. She takes the candle back in. Little tokens glitter and she’s hoping the shimmering will attract their pixie owners. Escaping in fantasy to find salvation. Fingers fiddle with the candle to make it go down the palms of her hands. She plays with the red-hot wax to burn her fingertips, ever so slightly. Faint memories of titillating touches. Shivers. “Come, my love”, she whispers, “come, and find me.” Only the moon answers. Howling at the waves to surge and froth; to rise and rise in the highest of tides, with a bright, satisfied smile. Such a harsh mistress. Her only friend on lonely nights, when soothing glow seeped through the crevice, now reveals itself as her faithful murderer. The rising water washes in, soaking her only possessions. All that’s left now is a wet pillow, and a wet blanket. Salty water already burns the cuts in her bare feet as she starts pounding and smashing iron to rock hard surfaces. To no avail. The cuffs stay strong and the iron around her ankles doesn’t break. The water rises, and a sense of deep calmness washes over her. She closes her eyes and softly kisses the water at her lips.

- M.A. Tempels © 2017 (This poem is inspired by the painting Princess Tarakanova, by Konstantin Flavitsky)