come come come come to me

Phoebe Tonkin photographed by Alexandra Nataf for Matteau Swim SS17

  • writers: *shows yuri as a strong go-getter*
  • anti otayuris: but he is a child!
  • writers: *shows yuri as a determined, hardworking person*
  • anti otayuris: but he's a precious baby!
  • writers: *shows yuri as a mature person and otabek recognizes that*
  • anti otayuris: but they're two years apart!
  • writers: *shows how otabek is driven and inspired by yuri's own passion*
  • anti otayuris: but thE POWER IMBALANCE OTABEK IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF POOR PRECIOUS YURI!!!
I need to set myself free.

Hello,
to the dearest of friends.

It’s been a while, huh? I don’t know how many people actually wondered or even guessed what happened to me, but something incredibly moving and important just happened in my life.

I finally saw the truth and decided not to lie anymore.

I’ve been going to a psychologist. I’ve started to take meds to aid me in my daily life to confront anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I can say I’m really making some progresses, even though small.

I’ve always been different from other children, in particular from boys. I’ve had many problems dealing with some feelings that I couldn’t explain to myself or maybe I was too scared to actually deal with them.

I would always run away.
My dad left me at the age of 7. I was seven years old when he left me, my brother and my mother. I was envious of other kids relationship with their fathers.

Why was I the only one without one?
Years passed. I had to deal with continuing harrassment and bullying from my classmates. They would yell at me words that still hurts like poison: faggot. Pussy.

I’m still shacking while writing about it. Incredible how much pain some memories can deal to one person.

At the age of 16 I heard that my father died. It was like knowing a distant relative died in some kind of disaster. I didn’t feel anything, if nothing at all. I was still lying to myself about who I really was.

Suicide was the first thing I’d say “good morning” to and “goodnight” as well. The few friends I had didn’t know. I was alone and scared, ready to bid farewell to a life I didn’t think I deserve to live.

So much pain no one could ever describe.
Rejection.

I can’t seem to stop shacking.

But then, some light decided to touch my pale skin. The sun decided it was the moment to give me just a bit of its light, just because I was existing not because I deserved it.

That was all I was. Empty and scared, almost emotionally deprived if not from the most basic of instincts: fear.

I started to hang out with some of my brother’s friends. I was the elder brother but I seem I couldn’t even be that to my brother, who grew up with the strength I lacked and crave for.

Things got easier.
I got in a new class, with new people. People who didn’t harrass me I wasn’t wearing something cool or wasn’t making fun of me because of my behaviour.

I was free.
But still afraid of them.

I made new friends. I was appreciated and accepted. I was moved. I was grateful that I could even feel something as beautiful as joy.

Now those people chose their path. They were good people, supporting classmates and friends.

Suicidal thoughts returned to me, waving like sinister shadows at me. Anxiety came back as well. Two weeks ago I decided to defeat them, knowing that that would lead me to accept me for what I was.

The mere thought was scary enough to give me stomachaches.

My mother accompanied me. She’s always been a really comforting and supporting figure, as well as a mighty woman. I’ll always be grateful to her. After the meeting with the psychologist, a really professional and understanding man, I decided to change my life.

My mother asked me if everything was alright. I struggled to hold the tears. She was on the brink of tears as well. I was scared, afraid that she would see me differently if she knew, or not love me anymore, even.

But that wasn’t the case.

She said “I love you. No matter what.” firmly, like never before in my life I saw her like that. She didn’t just say “I care about you” but “I love you”. I felt so fragile and tired, but finally free.

Immediately, joy followed. Two days ago I told the truth to the two most important persons in my life: my brother and my best friend.

I cried so much while I was embraced by their understanding and I cried even louder when both of them hugged me. I felt so warm inside, laughter quickly grew in intensity from my mouth, like beautiful and strong flowers.

“We always only had each other, Loris. What brother would I be if I saw you differently just because you’re gay!” he said. “No matter what comes, we’ll be brothers for ever.”
I’m still trying to accept and understand the myself I always ran away from. I decided to meet him.
And also, decided not to lie anymore on this blog and to all those people I consider friends.

Yes, I’m gay.

Tumblr 2012: Everything online is great. Tumblr is at its prime. I haven’t slept in 18 days. My queue is full, my blog looks good, and I’ve met a ton of interesting people. 

Tumblr 2017: Everything on my dash is garbage. There is nothing keeping me on here for days to find good content. SJW’s, cringeworthy tv show fans, and Buzz-howarewestillrelevant-feed are taking over.

Jackson

I know this will sound dramatic as hell but I just have to express how I feel. I will probably delete this in a couple mins but.. I miss him. I miss his extra ass. I miss his hyena laugh. I miss the squirtle smile. I miss the wild & sexy. I miss the “JYP” whisper he does, I missed his thick thighs. I miss his confidence. I miss his organic tea. I fucking miss everything about him. I miss Jia Er Wang. To others he is just an idol, just a person. But to me, Jackson is so much more. I honestly hated my body image and hated my thick thighs and my chubby body growing up. But I fucking gain some sort of confidence because of Jackson. Everytime I felt down or sad, I would just listen to Jackson say anything funny or inspirational. Getting into Got7, Jackson was my bias and to this day he still is. There is something about him that fills my heart. He means the world to me. I honestly feel empty without him. I am worried sick thinking something horrible is going on with Jackson and not being able to know what is up. Like is Jackson’s health that bad that JYP can explain? Is Jackson just tired of the whole idol life? Is the whole China-Korea thing affecting this? Also I worry about how his parents feel about this. Like as everyone knows Jackson is quite close with his parents and calls them everyday. How do Mama Wang and Papa Wang feel about their son fainting for being overworked? As for me I feel as if I did something wrong. I know I can’t do much right now but wait for a statement of Jackson’s health and him coming back, but by what I mean I feel I did something wrong is that I wanted to have got7 to be well known because the boys deserve so much more than what they are getting credit for. I wanted Jackson to be in so much variety because he seems to enjoying doing them but I didn’t noticed is that he barely slept and barely ate because of the travel. Jackson to me is my world, I really love him so much. I know this seems like it’s just a crush but it doesn’t feel like it. It feel so much more powerful. I honestly fell in love with Jackson because he sticks to being himself and is not afraid of showing his true colors. I just want him to post anything, even the slightest “I love you” in his social media so it can reassure me that he is alive. I honestly go to bed everyday since the day he fainted crying myself to sleep because I worry so much for him. Please come back healthy and happy. Don’t overwork yourself so much to make us happy. Take care of yourself This is hella dramatic and I’m sorry.

tpoh ends with rgb taking her back to her house in the early morning, standing with her as she admires the sunset
he extends a hand to hero for a handshake
she takes it but yanks him forward into a hug 
rgb is initially hesitant but hugs her back, and lifts her into his arms where she has a quick sob before falling asleep
he carries her to bed and lays her in it where she begins to dream 
he quickly moves away but before leaving he notices the pictures on her wall, one of them depicting her in a suit of armor 
he smiles 

when hero wakes up a few hours later she rubs her eyes and finds her hands are now sticky with some kind of coloured liquid 
she jumps down from the top bunk and finds paint drops all over the floor, most notably yellow and blue, leading to her wall of pictures 
on one of her pictures, someone has painted a man with a tv for a head standing next to her 
she smiles and starts to cry a little, the liquid on her face now dribbling down her chin, and goes to the bathroom to clean herself up 
hero looks in the mirror to find a big pair of glasses and bushy mustache painted on her face yellow
she smiles and laughs

can I get some good vibes, pls?

I sent in my application (about a week ago) to a job at one of the libraries in Tulsa. it’s full-time, includes benefits, and pays a salary that would let me afford a NICE apartment. not just like, nice-for-our-broken-millenial-dreams

like

this bitch has a pool, a yoga studio, a fitness room with exercise equipment, a tv lounge / mini library / open kitchen space

every apartment has a 17 x 9 balcony I could put planters in for flowers

all stainless steel appliances AND pets are allowed

I would only be 1 mile (~5 min by car) away from the library, right next to the riverside with jogging paths, and tulsa is a very liberal city in a very red state!

so yeah, this could be life-changing and a huge improvement for me and I’d really appreciate prayer, well-wishes, just any sort of positive thought you could send out for me