colonel murders

yesterday my lyft driver had a gps that read off directions in what was obviously some sort of specific customized voice

so i was like ‘hey, why does this sound familiar?’

and he was like ‘oh i downloaded it special. it’s colonel sanders.’

never in my life had a stranger thrown me such a goddamn conversational curveball. 

was this an official branded piece of content marketing by kfc? why? why would you go to the trouble of auditioning and hiring a voice actor to impersonate your now-dead founder guiding people onto the i-95, like the world’s least interesting benevolent spirit? colonel sanders was a real dude who is now dead; that is a flipping weird thing for a company to spend money on. is this some misguided corporate attempt to try to revamp his image, like ‘yeah he was a plantation-y southern gentleman and symbolically there’s no way it’s not at least a little racist to glorify him but look…he did just help you get to ikea’

on the other hand, if it’s not affiliated with the company that raises SO MANY MORE questions, like who did this? does colonel sanders have some sort of underground fan community? was there a forum somewhere on the internet where colonel sanders die-hards were all wistfully expressing their longing to have that fried chicken guy’s voice drawling in their ear during long road trips and then finally one lone man stepped forward to fill that gap with a microphone, a dream, and a sub-par fake southern accent

what i said was, ‘…huh’

‘i had t-pain’s voice for a while but it got old really fast,’ said my driver

‘turn right,’ said colonel sanders

‘mm-hmm,’ i said

‘there’s a traffic camera up ahead,’ said colonel sanders. ‘if anyone asks, i was with you last night.’ then he chuckled, in a warm, folksy manner.

i realize this probably sounds like some sort of twisted postmodern tumblr joke, but no, these were the actual pre-recorded words the actual app said.

‘did your gps just jokingly imply colonel sanders committed a murder yesterday and needs an alibi,’ i asked.

‘what?’ said the driver, changing lanes. ‘yeah i guess.’

never in my life had a gps thrown me such a goddamn conversational curveball

like. was it a gps at all, or some sort of experimental new form of fiction, an avant garde crime story delivered in tiny dribbles in and among every hundred navigational tips? but no, if so we are talking some TRUE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES shit, because why the fuck is your dark antihero colonel fucking sanders?

was it a gps at all, or was the deceased wing-and-drumstick magnate now a vengeful ghost and my driver a bold and resourceful ghost-hunter who somehow managed to trap that malignant specter inside the car and bind the colonel’s will to his own and then use that will to get us to the airport via the most efficient available route?

either way, the driver did not divulge his secrets. the colonel droned on. the ride ended. the car drove away and still the truth eluded me, slippery as greased corn.

somebody call a paranormal investigator because we have a lot of shit to work out


Alan Rickman

Scenes from: An Awfully Big Adventure/ In Demand, Mesmer/ Sense and Sensibility, An Awfully Big Adventure/ Harry Potter and the Half-Blood prince/, Galaxy Quest/ Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves/ Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer/ Nobel Son, Mesmer/ The Search for John Gissing, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street/  Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, The Song of Lunch/ Bottle Shock, Dark Harbor/ Snow Cake



Clue #1

When the mysterious Mr. Boddy turns up dead at his own dinner party, everyone’s a suspect! Miss Scarlett, Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Professor Plum—all the familiar faces from the famous board game are back, with a couple new twists. But will Boddy’s Body be the last to fall, or is it just the beginning? Follow the clues and solve the mystery in IDW’s new CLUE series! - $3.99

Clue #2

After multiple murders rock the mansion, our earnest investigators discover a mysterious room that may hold all the answers. Meanwhile, Upton works to make all the guests happy—and keep them alive!

Available on July 19 2017 - $3.99

Clue #3

As suspicions continue to mount, we learn more and more about our guests’ strange connections to a mysterious flower with curative properties. Plus, our faithful butler reveals a shocking truth that will change everything!

Available on August 30 2017 - $3.99

Clue #4

As a prime suspect emerges, the body count continues to rise drastically. Meanwhile, one of our characters grows tired of waiting, and decides to take action—with predictably deadly results! The suspects dwindle and our endgame nears.

Available on September 27 2017 - $3.99

The Signs as MatokiEarthventure

Aries: Dada straight up “murdering” Colonel Sanders.

Taurus: Shishi questioning Earthling norms.

Gemini: Shishi losing wifi and discovering internet explorer.

Cancer: Toto staying up late and admiring the night sky.

Leo: Matokis’ concept that angry birds is the same thing as military defense.

Virgo: Shishi trying to read the terms and conditions.

Libra: Joko taking over Wall Street and investing into the Stock Market.

Scorpio: Joko trying to get Keke to question the origin of his “femininity.”

Sagittarius: Keke discovering Batman: The Dark Knight.

Capricorn: Tats interrogating the Colonel Sanders statue for information.

Aquarius: Dada learning to dance from Youtube.

Pisces: Matokis trying to be peaceful and waving to Earthlings even though there is literally an army separating them.


Alan Rickman as Dwight Billings in “Murder, Obliquely” (”Fallen Angels”), Franz Mesmer in “Mesmer”, P.L. O'Hara in “An Awfully Big Adventure”, Colonel Brandon in “Sense and Sensibility”, Grigori Rasputin in “Rasputin: Dark Servant of Destiny”, Éamon de Valera in “Michael Collins”, Detective David Friedman in “Judas Kiss”, David Weinberg in “Dark Harbor”, The Metatron in “Dogma”

On Lestrade, Conan Doyle, and Sherlock

It’s time to revisit this, I think.

In recent trips back through Arthur Conan Doyle’s works featuring Sherlock Holmes, I’ve been thinking of the character trajectories across the stories, especially regarding Holmes’s relationship to Lestrade (less celebrated that the brilliant Holmes-Watson partnership, but nonetheless fascinating).

“We All Three Shook Hands” by Sidney Paget, 1902 (L to R: Lestrade, Holmes, and Watson)

My thoughts are based on looking at the novels and short stories in internal chronological order (wherever it can be determined), not publication order.


Point the First: Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes is quite capable of being obnoxious in the BBC's Sherlock Cumberbatchian sense. Perhaps one of the worst affronts appears in “The Boscombe Valley Mystery” (set in 1889), in which Holmes plays his “Lestrade’s So Stupid That He Wouldn’t Understand X” game. The example he chooses, however, 1) is one that Watson doesn’t comprehend either and, more to the point, 2) is one predicated on Holmes’s own knowledge of Watson’s daily grooming habits gained only by the fact he’s lived with Watson for years. Of course Lestrade wouldn’t reach Holmes’s conclusion: he’s never lived with Watson, and thus he has no access to that data! The entire exercise is just an excuse for Holmes to show off, not an honest assessment of Lestrade’s abilities. Holmes is none too gentle with delivering the insulting conclusion of his reasoning, for that matter, and thus he humiliates Watson. If Lestrade (or Watson) appears to get short-tempered with Holmes now and again, it’s not unwarranted.

Point the Second and the More Important: Holmes shows rather compelling character development over the years (and here I’m reminded of the great man/good man point articulated by Lestrade in Sherlock), and it’s instructive to watch this unfold through his relationship with Lestrade. [1]

  • In “The Five Orange Pips” (set in 1887), when Watson asks if their unknown visitor might be a friend of Holmes, Holmes replies:
    “Except yourself I have none,” he answered. “I do not encourage visitors." [2]
  • Yet in that same year, Holmes’s professional familiarity with Lestrade leads him to treat the Inspector not as a guest who requires formal hospitality, but rather as a regular visitor free to consider himself welcome and make himself at home (in "The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor”):

“Good-afternoon, Lestrade! You will find an extra tumbler upon the sideboard, and there are cigars in the box.”

  • In Holmes’s letter to Watson in “The Final Problem” (set in 1891), Holmes admits that he has “friends” (plural) who will feel “pain” at his loss.
  • In “The Adventure of the Empty House” (set in 1894), Holmes identifies Lestrade – in front of both Holmes’s would-be murderer Colonel Sebastian Moran and, for the very first time, Lestrade himself – as “my friend Lestrade.” (He refers to Lestrade as “friend Lestrade” multiple times thereafter.)[3]
  • By “The Adventure of the Six Napoleons” (set in 1900), Holmes regularly welcomes Lestrade’s social visits (above and beyond professional meetings about their joint work on a case) with a drop-by-unannounced intimacy usually reserved for one’s closest friends and family. 

It was no very unusual thing for Mr. Lestrade, of Scotland Yard, to look in upon us of an evening, and his visits were welcome to Sherlock Holmes, for they enabled him to keep in touch with all that was going on at the police headquarters. In return for the news which Lestrade would bring, Holmes was always ready to listen with attention to the details of any case upon which the detective was engaged, and was able occasionally, without any active interference, to give some hint or suggestion drawn from his own vast knowledge and experience.

On this particular evening, Lestrade had spoken of the weather and the newspapers. Then he had fallen silent, puffing thoughtfully at his cigar. Holmes looked keenly at him.

“Anything remarkable on hand?” he asked.

“Oh, no, Mr. Holmes–nothing very particular.”

“Then tell me about it.”

Lestrade laughed.

  • In the same story, Holmes even takes pains to consider Lestrade’s personal comfort, after he’s asked the Inspector to lengthen an already long day by accompanying him on a late-night expedition. Without prompting, Holmes offers food and a nap with easy familiarity: 

“You’ll dine with us, Lestrade, and then you are welcome to the sofa until it is time for us to start.”


Lestrade is practical throughout – he bristles at insults and scorns the thought of trusting theorizing over legwork, and yet he proves willing to admit his own mistakes from the very first (“I freely confess that I was of the opinion that Stangerson was concerned in the death of Drebber. This fresh development has shown me that I was completely mistaken…” in A Study in Scarlet, set in 1881) – but it’s clear that the no-nonsense pragmatism of his relations with Holmes grows into genuine warmth and affection over time. Beyond the above examples, there are others.

  • By the time of The Hound of the Baskervilles (probably set in 1888 or 1889, though possibly as late as 1899 or 1900), Holmes is requesting Lestrade’s presence (“He is the best of the professionals, I think, and we may need his assistance,” Holmes tells Watson), and Watson can see just how their chemistry has matured: 

The London express came roaring into the station, and a small, wiry bulldog of a man had sprung from a first-class carriage. We all three shook hands, and I saw at once from the reverential way in which Lestrade gazed at my companion that he had learned a good deal since the days when they had first worked together. I could well remember the scorn which the theories of the reasoner used then to excite in the practical man.

  • “The Adventure of the Norwood Builder” (set in 1894 or 1895) shows a friendly competition between Holmes and Lestrade in which each teases and mocks the other when the facts seem to fit his theory. (At one point, Holmes confesses to Watson, “…upon my soul, I believe for once the fellow is on the right track and we are on the wrong.”) But Lestrade is “a practical man,” as he admits, and when Holmes ultimately reveals the definitive truth with much added (and arguably unnecessary) drama, Lestrade reacts not with hurt pride or wounded ego, but genuine appreciation. (He also immediately gives credit where credit is due, telling the culprit, “You have done your best to get an innocent man hanged. If it wasn’t for this gentleman here, I am not sure that you would not have succeeded.”) The physical response from the normally reserved Holmes when Lestrade offers his gratitude speaks volumes: 

“… I don’t mind saying, in the presence of Dr. Watson, that this is the brightest thing that you have done yet, though it is a mystery to me how you did it. You have saved an innocent man’s life, and you have prevented a very grave scandal, which would have ruined my reputation in the Force.”

Holmes smiled, and clapped Lestrade upon the shoulder.

  • And then of course there’s the justifiably famous exchange in “The Adventure of the Six Napoleons” (set in 1900):

“Well,” said Lestrade, “I’ve seen you handle a good many cases, Mr. Holmes, but I don’t know that I ever knew a more workmanlike one than that. We’re not jealous of you at Scotland Yard. No, sir, we are very proud of you, and if you come down to-morrow, there’s not a man, from the oldest inspector to the youngest constable, who wouldn’t be glad to shake you by the hand.”

“Thank you!” said Holmes. “Thank you!” and as he turned away, it seemed to me that he was more nearly moved by the softer human emotions than I had ever seen him.

  • Note: It’s no wonder why Holmes might rely on the tenacious Inspector (in addition to his always-worthy Watson) in a situation that has the potential for real danger, such as in The Hound of the Baskervilles. After all, Lestrade proves time and again willing to confront the villains by himself without backup, including Joseph Stangerson in A Study in Scarlet and James Browner in “The Adventure of the Cardboard Box.”

    For that matter, although he’s the slightest man physically in a room of five, Lestrade is the one to bring down the “so powerful and so fierce” Jefferson Hope by “half-strangling” him in A Study in Scarlet. Holmes underscores his trust in the Inspector by calling upon Lestrade once again in “The Adventure of the Empty House,” in this case to assist in the capture of the vengeful Colonel Sebastian Moran.

Random Musings Related to ACD Canon and the BBC’s Sherlock

  • According to my calculations (which I’m happy to explain and be corrected upon), there was approximately a fifteen-year spread between ACD’s Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Lestrade, with John Watson and Mycroft Holmes in the middle. If you take the ages of the four male leads in Sherlock, there is a fourteen-year spread between the youngest (Benedict Cumberbatch) and the eldest (Rupert Graves), with Martin Freeman and Mark Gatiss in the middle.
  • Also according to my calculations, at the time of ACD’s “The Adventure of the Empty House,” Sherlock Holmes was 40, John Watson was 41 and nearing 42, Mycroft Holmes was 47, and Inspector Lestrade was approximately 55. As for BBC’s Sherlock, at the time of the filming of the third-series episode “The Empty Hearse,” this puts Martin Freeman and Mark Gatiss at the perfect ages, and Benedict Cumberbatch and Rupert Graves equally four-five years younger than their respective characters.
  • I wonder if the naming of Sherlock’s Molly Hooper is a nod to Molly Robertson-Kirk, a.k.a. “Lady Molly of Scotland Yard” (who was, after all, a contemporary of Sherlock Holmes).
  • I suspect that Sherlock’s “Greg Lestrade” wasn’t originally intended to be short for “Gregory Lestrade,” but rather for “Gregson Lestrade.” In this way, Moffat and Gatiss could seamlessly combine Inspectors Lestrade and Gregson, who are identified by ACD’s Holmes as, among the Scotland Yard professionals, “the pick of a bad lot. They are both quick and energetic, but conventional — shockingly so.” (A Study in Scarlet) This theory may have been Jossed by the Steve Thompson-penned third episode of the second series (in which Lestrade is cut off as he’s trying to explain that other D.I.s have consulted Sherlock besides him, and names Gregson as he’s interrupted). The full implications of this throwaway mention of Gregson is as yet unclear.

[1] There are other interesting character changes Holmes exhibits, including his evolving thoughts on justice vs. law and means vs. ends, but I’m particularly thinking of his personal, non-Watsonian relationships at present.

[2] It’s perhaps worth pointing out that Holmes describes Watson as “not a man with intimate friends” (save, Holmes implies, himself) in The Hound of the Baskervilles.

[3] Interestingly enough, Watson begins referring to Lestrade as “our old friend Lestrade” in works set in 1894 and 1895, including “The Adventure of the Norwood Builder” and “The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans.”

'War for Planet of the Apes' exclusive: Watch deleted scene from home release (coming in October)

War for the Planet of the Apes, the third chapter in 20th Century Fox’s origin-story reboot of the beloved sci-fi franchise, delivered a rousing wartime conclusion to the story of Caesar (Andy Serkis), the intelligent simian who leads his compatriots in a battle for survival against their human adversaries. Directed by Matt Reeves, it was one of the summer’s most critically hailed films, and fans won’t have to wait long to see it again — or catch up with it for the first time — as it is set to debut on home-video platforms this October. Along with that announcement, Yahoo Movies now has an exclusive clip to premiere from its upcoming Blu-ray.

War for Planet of the Apes will be available for digital download on Oct. 10, followed by its premiere on 4K Ultra HD, 3D Blu-ray, Blu-ray, and DVD on Oct. 24 — the same day that a trilogy box set (including Rise, Dawn, and War) will also hit store shelves. Arguably the most enticing elements of those packages are the 10 deleted scenes from Reeves’s epic, one of which — “I Am Like Koba” — you can now see above. In it, a captured Caesar confesses that he cannot let go of his hatred for the Colonel (Woody Harrelson), who murdered his family. Consumed with that rage, Caesar states that he’s become just like Koba (Toby Kebbell), his vengeance-seeking adversary who perished at the conclusion of Dawn.

Box art for the new Planet of the Apes trilogy (Photo: 20th Century Fox)

The entire special features rundown is as follows:

War for the Planet of the Apes Digital Special Features Include:

  • Scene Comparisons (10 Scenes) — Side-by-side comparison showing performance capture above the final scene.

War for the Planet of the Apes DVD Special Features Include:

  • “All About Caesar” Featurette
  • Audio Commentary by Matt Reeves
  • Concept Art Gallery

War for the Planet of the Apes Blu-ray Special Features Include:

  • Concept Art Gallery
  • Audio Commentary by Matt Reeves

Deleted Scenes with Optional Audio Commentary by Matt Reeves:

  • Graveyard
  • Turncoats
  • Barrier Wall
  • “I Owe You One”
  • “A Great Man”
  • “Do Not Lose Hope”
  • Snowfall
  • The Colonel’s Speech
  • Malcolm and the Dinosaurs
  • “I Am Like Koba”


  • “Waging War for the Planet of the Apes” — In-depth documentary on the making of War for the Planet of the Apes
  • “All About Caesar”
  • “WETA: Pushing Boundaries”
  • “Music for Apes”
  • “Apes: The Meaning of it All”
  • “The Apes Saga: An Homage”

Watch: How ‘War for the Planet of the Apes’ evolved from ‘Planet of the Mo-Cap Actors’:

Read more from Yahoo Movies:


TPLoSH and the Shspesh Trailer

The curved pipe

Watson mentions The Hounds of Baskerville case

In my lifetime, I have recorded some sixty cases demonstrating the singular gift of my friend Sherlock Holmes – dealing with everything from The Hound of the Baskervilles to his mysterious brother Mycroft and the devilish Professor Moriarty.

The dog one? 

Do you mean The Hound of the Baskervilles?

Opening onto street


Mrs. Hudson greets them after a long extended stay

It was August of 1887, and we were returning from Yorkshire, where Holmes had solved the baffling murder of Colonel Abernetty.

Mrs. Hudson complains of no warning of their arrival

I do wish you’d give me a little more warning when you come home unexpected. I would have roasted a goose – and had some flowers for you.

Mr. Holmes. I do wish you’d let me know when you’re planning to come home.

Holmes gives his excuse while brandishing things

My dear Mrs. Hudson – criminals are as unpredictable as head-colds. You never quite know when you’re going to catch one.

I hardly knew myself Mrs. Hudson. That’s the trouble with dismembered country squires - they’re notoriously difficult to schedule.

Watson’s stories are complained about

Oh, come now, Watson, you must admit that you have a tendency to over-romanticize. You have taken my simple exercises in logic and embellished them, exaggerated them…

I never enjoy them.

Well I never say anything do I? According to you I just show people up the stairs and serve you breakfast.

Watson blames the illustrator

That’s not my doing. Blame it on the illustrator.

Oh, blame it on the illustrator - he’s out of control!


On January 27, 2011, Julie Powers Schenecker shot and killed her two children, Beau Schenecker (13) and Calyx Schenecker (16) while her husband, Parker Schenecker, was overseas as an Army Colonel. Prior to the murder the police visited the Schenecker home in November 2010 due to an allegation of child abuse made by Calyx. Schenecker admitted to hitting her daughter four days prior but there were no visible injuries to Calyx so no charges were filed. On January 28, 2011, police received a call from Schenecker’s mother, who was concerned because she was unable to get in touch with her daughter. When police visited the home they found Beau shot and deceased in the family SUV in the garage, then Calyx was found shot and deceased in her bedroom and covered with blankets. Schenecker was found unconscious on the back porch, covered in blood. Schenecker admitted to killing her children because they “talked back and were mouthy.” Schenecker described the crime fully stating; Beau was shot twice in the head while coming home from soccer practice, then she killed Calyx in her room while she was doing homework. In trial it was said that after Schenecker killed Calyx she attempted to manipulate her daughter’s mouth into a smile then covered her in blankets. After the murder she posted notes on her front door claiming the family had gone on a vacation to New York. Schenecker’s journal and notes were found at her home, discussing the murder and plans to commit the murder of her children. A note after Beau’s murder said, “I’ve offed Beau on the way to practice. He saw the gun and told me to put it back in the purse. Had a healthy fight, then when we got home, a shot to his mouth. He became so mouthy, just like Calyx.” Then after Calyx’s murder, “She was not as easy because I rolled the chair by her clean bed. Beau is so cold and hard. I wish I could put him in my bed. That’s where he slept happily. I just can’t lift him. I surely wish I could. We’re going home today. Take us home Lord.” On May 15, 2014 Schenecker was found guilty of first-degree murder and sentenced to two concurrent life terms, to be served at the same time.

jakecrocker: Good to see Jack Falahee stop by to hang out at Sully’s last night. He plays Connor on ABC’s How To Get Away With Murder and Frank on PBS’s Mercy Street. We did a key scene last season on Mercy Street where I was a guard and his Confederate spy character smooth talked his way past me to murder the colonel and steel the Union war plans. Last night. I forgave him for his dastardly deed. @mercystreetpbs @jackfalahee #mercystreetpbs #RVA

David--what's in a name?

So, David. There’s a lot of talk about him.

Is he just the butt of a joke? Is he actually the father of Mary’s baby? Is his tie’s “rather alarming” shade of pink merely a red (pink) herring?

But I think the most interesting thing about David is his name. David.

In the original Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story “The Adventure of the Crooked Man” which details the treachery of one Colonel Barclay against the woman who becomes his wife, Nancy, and her beloved, which leads to the mutilation of his rival by enemy troops and thirty years of dishonest marriage between himself and Nancy, we meet a David.

Nancy is suspected of murdering her husband as she is found in the room with him, apparently having died by a blow to the back of the head by a blunt instrument. They had been overheard having a loud argument in which she called him a coward. Another telling clue was her being overheard saying the name “David”.

There was speculation that David had been her lover, and that she might have killed her husband in a desire to escape an apparently unhappy marriage. Sherlock Holmes intervenes of course and the truth comes out–Colonel Barclay wasn’t murdered at all, he had been merely surprised by the return of her original beloved and, shocked, had fallen backwards to his accidental death. One mystery remained–who was this “David”?

For this, I’ll quote the Wikipedia page: “As for “David”, this was apparently a reproach in which Nancy likens her husband to the Biblical king, who has Bathsheba’s husband Uriah transferred to a zone with heavy fighting so that he will be killed, leaving David free to marry Uriah’s wife. The King was severely reprimanded for this sin by the prophet Nathan and suffered a Divine retribution, though unlike with the colonel it involved the death of David’s baby son and not of himself.” (

What may we deduce about our own BBC Sherlock David? If we are to take Sherlock’s word “as gospel” as he calls the Yarders to do, then we may believe that David is still in love with Mary and has some intention to win her back. Does that make him the “David” of the tale? Is there more to be learned about his and Mary’s past? Should John be wary of him for more reasons than possible infidelity on Mary’s part?

Hurry Sherlock, John Watson might be in danger.