Hi! I’m relatively new to your blog, and I love what you write. so I would like to request a fic. Can you do a really fluffy Castiel fix where he first tells reader he loves them? Pleeeeeease?
Pairing: Castiel x Reader
Warnings: fluff of course.
Word Count: 851
Great, you thought. You had just gotten back to the bunker with beer and pizza, and you noticed that while you were gone, the impala was no longer in the garage. You rolled your eyes, why did Sam and Dean insist on you going out for food whenever they were just going to be gone when you got back?
With your arms full, you made your way into the bunker, setting everything down in the kitchen.
“Hello?!” You yelled. You shrugged when no one answered. You grabbed a beer and made your way to the library. At least you would have some alone time for once. You liked to sit in the library when the bunker was empty. You sat your feet up on the table and had a book in your hands when you heard a flutter of wings behind you.
Okay guys, I MUST know where all of the Merlin memes and gif sets are! I never see them on my dash and I cannot live another day without them! If you know where I can find them (and/or the blogs where they live) PLEASE let me know!! And reblog this post so that others may see it and add their sources too!
Forbes crunched the numbers on the 401 metropolitan areas in the U.S. to gauge the best and worst business climates. The result is our 17th annual Best Places for Business and Careers. Denver, Colo. ranks no. 1 for the first time, moving up from their fourth place finish in 2014. The Denver-Aurora-Lakewood metro of 2.8 million people is attractive for its diverse economy, highly educated labor force and outdoor lifestyle. Companies are increasingly choosing Denver for business expansions or relocations.
This is the famous Jared Pada- Lake.
Even though it is known for its dangerous mooses, here you can enjoy one of most beautiful sunsets in the wolrd.
Feel the peace and joy that only a place like this can offer you.
There’s something I feel like I need to tell you guys about that’s kind of super important to understand about me. It explains a lot about my updating patterns, why I’m so up and down, and my painfully sarcastic persona.
I’m a mess. I’m a freakin’ mess. I’m a freakin’ mess with mental illness. And you guys might think, “Oh, yeah, her depression and anxiety and stuff,” but wait - there’s more.
So, here we go. You know that illness I hint about every once in awhile that I call “the mental illness I can’t talk about”? That oh-so-cryptic description aimed at pointing a finger at the stigma of mental illness while also not talking about what I have? Well, I feel like I need to spill the maple syrup, so hold onto you humanity and your decency and remember who I am and that I’m a nice and not-dangerous person that wants nothing but to help people, and not murder their families, and does not need a straight jacket. I’m still me, I’m still Steph Lindeen, and I’m still a person.
With psychotic depression.
There. I said it. It’s out. HOLY HEDGEHOGS. STEPH HAS PSYCHOSIS, WHAT A MANIAC, RIGHT!?!
Yeah, haha, a total loon. Someone should lock me up. Hilarious, a round of applause, A+, grade A comedy.
It’s not like people say these things to me, but they sure treat me like it. Spoiler - when you tell people you have psychosis, they treat you differently right away. I mean, a quick Google search of the term “psychotic” - which is what I am - results in images of horror, you start to understand that people associate it with murder, violence, and James Holmes.
But if you’ve been following my blog at all for the last two years, you’ll know I’m not dangerous. At all. I’m about as dangerous as a baked potato on a bad day. If I think I’ve offended someone, I’ll literally think about it all day, if not all week. If I ran over a squirrel, I’d probably cry for a solid hour.
I’m not dangerous.
So what is depressive psychosis and paranoia? I’ll break it down for you: My mind generates negative ideas that have no logical basis. For me, I have been used and betrayed by so many people that my paranoia usually centers around whether or not people secretly hate me or think I’m a loser. I think this is because I don’t have any close friends in any sphere of my life at home, and so my mind tries to come up with reasons why people don’t want to get close to me. All of my friends live in other places, like Canada, Kentucky, Fort Collins, and Salt Lake, and Wisconsin, and I cognitively can’t figure out why they like me. And since so many people in my life have up and left, I’m always psychotically expecting that my friends secretly hate me and think I’m annoying and want nothing to do with me.
Which isn’t so weird when I explain it in full, like, I think you could totally see why my psychosis is fixated on this.
…and then two hours later be up at night thinking,
… and then I will then proceed to anxiously think that I should wait until she talks to me again to speak with her to make sure she actually wants to talk to me and then be quiet literally until she talks to me again. I do this with everyone, I actually do this with everyone, which is admittedly probably why I have no friends. Because I don’t trust anyone anymore. Even people who have actually given me no logical basis to have these thoughts. Like Ashley! She’s the sweetest person in the history of people and has assured me she will never hate me! But does that stop my piece-of-fruitcake brain? Hahaha- no.
I was born with a genetic predisposition to get psychosis (I learned this summer my great-grandmother on my dad’s side had it), but I haven’t always had it. I had this boyfriend in high school who psychologically abused and manipulated me over the span of six months to the point that I developed this and was having some really crazy thoughts, because he was the one who planted them. Like that my family was starving me to control me (not true, and he also helped me to gain twenty pounds because I “looked anorexic” [also not true]) and that my best friend (my other Ashley - again, a completely wonderful person) was using me for personal benefit (which she wasn’t).
I slowly had become insane. When we broke up, I was so depressed, suicidal, and confused that my psychiatrist was like, “Em, she’s got depression with psychotic tendencies,” and put me on antipsychotics and a bunch of other stuff, and I spent a week in the hospital.
Since I got out, life has become significantly weirder. I mean, my first year of college directly followed after all of this and I was paranoid about the most random things. Like, you know how a couple years ago it was a thing (and maybe still is? I dunno, I’m missing a fashion allele) to fold the ends of your pants up a little bit so your ankles showed? I would get paranoid that I’d gone and done it wrong and that everyone was judging me because of my pant cuffs, so I’d walkabout on campus shifty-eyed until ending up running to the bathroom to fold them back down again and reevaluate my life choices.
I also, to this day, still get paranoid that when it’s raining and I’m driving with my windshield wipers on that mine are somehow going too fast, and that other people are looking at me with my fast wipers and going, “God, who is that loser and how hard does she think it’s raining?” Yes, true story, that’s what it’s like to be me. Still have that image of a serial killer from Psycho in your mind? I mean to give them credit, it’d seriously be no fun to make a movie about Steph Lindeen and the God-Awfully Folded Pant Cuffs #getittogether.
People say, and I totally advocate, that the best thing you can do is to take medication. And I can tell you that, yes, medication is amazing and can 100% wipe out the psychotic thoughts…but there’s a downside. Antipsychotic medication makes you hella tired. Like, I finally understand why my uncle, Shola, doesn’t like to take his medication for his schizophrenia - because you can’t function. Shola was a Nigerian friend of my dad’s in his engineering program who was, and is, brilliant. He sadly developed schizophrenia after he graduated and has been homeless for years. He lived with my family for a period of eight months when I was in middle school, and he was the most hilarious person ever.
I used to not understand how Shola could could keep sleeping through his work hours, and how he constantly lost jobs that way. But now that I’m older, I know that my dosage of resperidone is actually a really low one, but it makes me so tired I don’t want to do anything if I take enough to get rid of the thoughts. Schizophrenics are put on much higher doses of resperidone. I can’t even imagine how tired he must feel all the time. And that’s the struggle - you either have a clear mind and no energy, or have energy and troublesome thoughts!
There’s no in-between.
Ashley Vomacka from @living-with-miso and I talk about the stigma of mental illness all the time, and how someone needs to step up and make an effort to stop it.
She’s as equally pissed about it as I am, because she also has a mental illness that she doesn’t talk about. (What?? This totally wonderful, kind human being who seems to do so well also has mental illness!?! Yeah. We’re literally everywhere and everyone.) So, that’s why I’m sharing this. I’m hoping to help you to understand, if you don’t already, that the stigma of mental illness is stupid, and hurtful! There are so many people like me who suffer in silence and would love to be able to let a teacher know, “Hey, I need to take a mental health day because I’m having a psychotic breakdown, is that okay?” The only reason I have time to write this today was because I had to take a mental health day instead of going to class! I got myself some McDonald’s fries and spent all evening writing this.
‘Cause I’m tired of it, I’m tired of hiding it from people. I’m coming clean.
The reason why I haven’t been posting and updating lately as much is because I’m not doing super well at the moment. My psychosis gets worse when my depression gets worse, and when my psychosis gets worse, my depression gets worse, and so on and so forth. I’m also changing my major and don’t know what I’m going to do with my life anymore, everything’s all up in the air at this point! It’s horrible to have no friends, no life, and now no major, so I’m just trying to sort out life at the moment and it’s really, really hard with the added psychosis in with the mix.
Although, update: Since writing this post, I’ve switch to psychology and am thinking about starting a non-profit after I graduate! Still hope to be a misophonia therapist one day, but a non-profit would be super cool, too!