college problems

  • Me: Hello Dr. Professor Sir, I understand you are currently out of the country on a Very Important Research Trip but I have reached a stumbling block in my Big Official Paper for a Completely Legitimate Reason. I was hoping if you would maybe please possibly give me an Extension of Mercy on said Paper due to my Extenuating Circumstance, Academic Record, and Established Collegiate Relationship with you. Ever Your Obedient Servant, Firstname Lastname.
  • Professor: no prob. deuces, Brendan.
Studying how to study...

Person: “What are you doing, Shawn?”

Me: “Studying.”

Person: “Nice. What are you studying?”

Me: “How to study.”

Person: “Ummm.. what? What are you studying?”

Me: “I’m studying how to study.”

Person: “Umm… how?”

Me: “I’m watching YouTube videos and reading blog posts on different study, reading, and note-taking techniques, and then comparing them to see which one works best for me so when I study I learn the material the best and can read the fastest.”

Person: “Ummm… that’s great. But it sounds like a lot of research. Don’t you need to read the text and study for your current class you’re in?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m three days behind on my reading and assignments. But I’m learning how to learn.”

Person: *blank stare*


#mylife #helpmefocus #sigh

To all my freshman babies who are panicking right now about how much your college textbooks cost: Yeah, you’re right, that’s some highway robbery. No, you don’t have to lie down and take it. You have options. Follow my advice and fly on your own debt free wings.

1. Forgoe the bookstore entirely. Sometimes you can get a good deal on something, usually a rental, but it’s usually going to be considerably more expensive to go through official channels. Outsmart them, babies.

2. Does your syllabus call for edition eight? Get edition seven. Old editions are considered worthless in the buyback trades, so they sell for dirt cheap, no matter how new they are. It’s a gamble, sure; there might be something in edition eight you desperately need, but that never happened to me. However, I’ve only ever pulled this stunt for literature/mass comm/religious studies books, so I don’t know it would work in the sciences.

3. Thriftbooks.com, especially for nonfiction and fiction. Books are usually four or five dollars unless they’re really new, and shipping is 99 cents unless you buy over 10$ in books, in which case shipping is free. 

4. Bigwords.com. It will scan every textbook seller on the internet for the lowest price available, and will do the same to find the highest price when you try to sell your books back at the end of term. Timesaver, lifesaver.

5. In all probability, your library offers a service called interlibrary loan which is included in your tuition. This means if your library doesn’t carry a book you can order it for free from any library nationwide in your library’s network and it will be shipped to you in a number of days. Ask a librarian to show you how to search for materials at your library as well as though interlibrary loan; you’ll need to master this skill soon anyway.  If you get lucky you can just have your required reading shipped to you a week before you need to start reading, then renew vigorously until you no longer need to item. I’m saving over 100$ on a History of Islam class this way.

You professors might side-eye you for bringing an old edition or a library copy, but you just smile right back honey, because you can pay your rent and go clubbing this month. You came here to win. So go forth and slay.

When you overhear a freshman saying they’ve “never pulled an all-nighter”

College hack: When your professor passes around a sign-up sheet for projects, group work, or research, choose dates nearer to the beginning of the school year, the sooner the better. The professor will grade you more leniently, you will have more energy since school will have just started, and you won’t be bogged down with midterms or finals for other classes. It seems like more work, but I swear by this tactic, it will save your nerves and your grades.

Bidders Bets
  • Me: (tries to decide on a college to go to)
  • Ota: Pssh. Guys. I bet 100 she's gonna be a professional musician.
  • Baba: No way! She's gonna be a music teacher. She's patient and teacher material!
  • Ota: How much you gonna bet?
  • Baba: 300
  • Mamoru: Naw you guys are crazy. I'm putting down 500 smackers for her being a lawyer. She got the wit and the look. Plus she can argue like hell.
  • Soryu: You guys are so stupid. She's gonna become a martial artist! You see how hard she trains?
  • Ota: Your bet?
  • Soryu: 700
  • Eisuke: I bet her entire education she's gonna go into business.
  • Me: (turns around) What did you just say?
  • Eisuke: I bet the value of your entire education that you'll get into business.
  • Me: Are any of y'all gonna pay for my education?
  • Bidders: ...
  • Me: ...
  • Eisuke: (whispers) Help me win this bet and I will.