coley blogs

Dave inconsistently calls Roxy by her name or “mom” from sentence to sentence or even within the same sentence. Roxy thinks it’s “max adorbs.”

Rose will sometimes jokingly call Dirk “father,” especially when he asks her for something and she’ll respond with, “yes, father dearest.” Which annoyed him at first, but now he plays along with some silly fatherly dialogue like “I don’t appreciate your tone, daughter. None of this back-sass or it’s off to bed without supper.” And both of them play it completely straight leading others to wonder if they’re serious or not.

Rose will do it constantly if Dave’s around and Dave hates it because they always drag him into the mix. Rose will be like, “Dave, you mustn’t use such foul language in front of father.” And Dirk’s like, “yeah, I’m super fucking offended. Why can’t you be well-mannered like your sister?” And Dave just lets out the biggest groan. Roxy loves when she gets to play along. “u better listen to ur hunkilicious mom and dad, kids. and maybe you’ll be as hot as us some day” And Dirk takes the dadly pipe that he didn’t have a minute ago out of his mouth to say, “damn right.” Dave pirouettes off the handle through the open window. 

Okay, but what if in the new universe, the orange hat becomes a sacred symbol as well. And the highest of the clergy wear an orange baseball cap rather than a mitre. 

But also picture, different religious sects growing out of the original mythos. It may start off as just different groups giving special homage to a certain god, like the farmers to Jade and doctors to Jane. But trouble would arise if they placed a higher importance on any one god over the others. 

Then there’s the people who would reject the 8 gods. Perhaps the new Troll race for instance. They may see the humans as prophets, or helpers to the true gods. The Twelve (in some sects they are the 24 giving homage to the dancestors as well). A messed up pantheon who scattered themselves across the universe. Some were traitors and some were heroes but they all played a role in bringing Trollkind to this world. They were the original gods who created a universe only to have it robbed from them by the prophets. But the prophets, learning of their act, repented and helped the gods to fulfill their original purpose. The only one held in higher honor (though not god status) is Roxy, the Human Virgin Mother Grub who stole the Matriorb from nothing and hope from extinction. 

Then there are those few, those very few, who still worship the green demon and speak of the mirthful messiahs. You know why the gods have left us orphans? It is because they were heretics who went to fight the Lord, but the Lord is the most powerful. His tail (he’s often depicted as a snake to avoid confusion with the sacred skull of the hope god) swept half the stars from the sky. The remaining gods may have trapped him with their deceit, but it was all part of his plan to spread his reign throughout all the multiverse. Will he come again? No. For He IS ALREADY HERE.

And Calliope the Muse keeps a record of all these myths and stories with only the occasional embellishment. For she received the gift of eternal life from the gods and is therefore tasked to write of their stories and their universe. Not that she minds though. She loves stories. 

I like to think that Dirk doesn’t give two fucks about playing soccer and just wants an excuse to run around through forests and fields. Y’know, things he never had before. But you can’t just go running around the hills a la Julie Andrews and not look like a complete sap. So he’s like, “hey, let’s kick this ball around. Sports are cool, right?” But then he spends half the time asking Jake to identify some plant he’s never seen before (and Jake knows a lot since his grandma and Jade were/are gardeners). And sometimes they’ll find something new because earth had to completely regrow everything and plant evolution took a few different turns this time around. And they’ll stop everything with the game (that neither of them really know or care about the rules for) and bring it back to Jade so she can study it and name it and give it a home in her giant greenhouse that we all know she has. 

Guys I figured out why I love Greg Universe, especially young Greg, so much. Big city guy with big dreams ends up in a small town. 

Falls in love with a local woman.

Befriends her young charge.

Is disliked by some of her friends

He marries the girl and she dies giving birth to a kid destined to save the world.

Even the long hair just

Yep

Dirk and Jane Headcanons

Jane tried to get all her friends to watch Parks and Rec. Dirk is the only one who did (at least entirely), mainly because she told him there was a little horse in it. They’d chat while marathoning episodes, and even though Dirk had access to the entire series, he’d wait until they aired relative to Jane’s time before watching them. He wrote Detective Pony for her around this time. 

In an effort to envision a normal life in the 21st century, he’d often ask Jane about her day and what kinds of things she did with her dad. At first, she couldn’t understand why he’d want to hear about trips to the grocery store in such detail. But she assumes it’s because his brother’s a celebrity and can’t do normal things, so she indulges him. She gets really good at telling stories because she has to find ways to make errands or piano lessons or just baking a cake with her dad interesting. Dirk spends embarrassing amounts of time imagining doing those things (or similar things) with his bro. 

After the game, they help each other through the guilt they both feel for how they treated Jake. Eventually, they’re able to forgive themselves (even though Jake already forgave them both forever ago), and they can all go back to being friends again without things being awkward. 

They talk about the last battle. Jane feels like a failure getting caught by the Batterwitch at a crucial moment. Dirk cheers her up telling her how he spent half the fight confused on his ass and getting the shit beat out of him; and his only contribution was letting his head get chopped off. “And need I remind you, I’d be a goner if not for you and your healing powers. Pretty sure that counted as a Just death for all that shitty fighting back there.” Jane is also the only person he’s ever told how it feels to be decapitated. 

Kind of related: During the fight with Caliborn, Gamzee was cut in half by Lil Seb for trying to attack Jane. 

Imagine Dirk diving down to the ruined city below him and scavenging not just for food and supplies or scrap, but for weird stuff. Just things he’s never seen before that give him some clue as to what life was like on earth. Things he’d have no clue what they’re for and he can’t look them up online because he doesn’t know what they’re even called. 

He’ll find something like a corkscrew and be completely baffled as to what it was used for and he’ll use it as a tool while working on robots. Or he’ll find a soup ladle and be like wtf it looks like a spoon but there’s no way in heck this would fit in someone’s mouth (on that note, would he even know what spoons are for?). So he collects them and builds a horse statue out of them because what else could they possibly be for??? And his entire living room is filled with his collection of all these weird gadgets and gizmos and thingamabobs. And he spends a lot of time looking at them wondering what it would be like to live in a world filled with such wonderful things. 

Headcanon time! Okay picture this. Dirk and Roxy never had any humans around to communicate verbally with. Roxy only needed to use her voice when she was talking to chess people and her cats (because who doesn’t talk to their cats). Dirk never had anyone so he learned how to rap and made the rap bots to practice. 

But since most of their vocabulary is internet learned, there are tons of words that the both of them never learned to pronounce properly. Like Dirk actually thinks ‘ambush’ and ‘plush’ rhyme perfectly. And nobody knew until they all met in person. And Roxy’s asking Jane why she looks so “mel-ON-cho-ly.” And Jake is just so horribly confused when Dirk’s talking about the ‘pheelo-SO-pher’ ‘Plahtto’ and ‘p-sy-cho-logy’ but just thinks Dirk’s using especially fancy words that he’s too dumb to understand, or he does figure out what he means but still doesn’t say anything so Dirk doesn’t feel stupid. 

And Roxy figures out pretty quick that she does it because Jane will always try to correct her and Roxy’s just like ‘lmfao i been sayin that word that way my whole life i aint about to quit now’ And she starts doing it on purpose just ‘cause it drives Jane nuts. And because Jake won’t correct Dirk, Dirk just keeps doing it until he happens to say one in front of Jane and she corrects him instantly. And he gets SO embarrassed and like, “Jake, why didn’t you tell me I was saying that wrong?” And Jake’s just “I’m sorry!!!” 

And AR knows how to pronounce everything right because he’s literally a computer but he absolutely refuses to tell Dirk he’s said something incorrectly because he’s a lil shit and it’s funny how red Dirk gets when Jane tells him ‘island’ is not pronounced ‘izz-land’ after saying it 50 times in front of Jake already. 

btw, Jake’s vocab is mostly learned from movies rather than the internet and he had his grandma to talk to for a little while at least. So he might mess up words occasionally but not nearly as bad as Dirk or Roxy. 

I’ve been seeing a few people talking about how amazing it was that Karkat was able to defeat Clover at all with the amazing amount of luck he has. But here’s the thing: Karkat had to be the one to defeat Clover, because absolutely no one else there could. And here’s why: 

Remember that? All the way from the beginning of Act 5? The curse from Sollux’s code brought misfortune on everyone Karkat ever met, including Clover (and possibly Lord English as well). I’m sure this is the reason he was able to win. The curse cancelled out Clover’s luck. 

Life and Light in the New Universe

When the Earth was first planted in the new universe, Jasprosesprite descended in the midst of a thunderstorm and played the rain on her violin. This planted the the first seeds of new life on the flooded earth. When they fastforwarded to the future where the waters had receded, the life had co-evolved along with the sea lusii already living there. The new animal life is both familiar and strange as evolution dealt with a similar but not exactly the same world. And there is a healthy amount of lusii to care for the new troll race when it restarts.

Some animals and plants are brought back through Roxy’s void powers. Other plants are quickly re-engineered through Jade and Jane’s careful plant breeding.

The night sky is different now. For Dirk especially, it’s disconcerting looking up at the stars and having them not be where they’re supposed to be. Fortunately, Jade provided a moon she fashioned out of some rock, since everything would be messed up without one. Jade and Dirk take it upon themselves to chart the new stars, giving names to them and the constellations. Jade’s names are cute, “The Squiddle” or “Good Dog Best Friend”, Dirk’s are ridiculous, “Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff” or “Plush Rump.” 

But sometimes they agree more serious names are in order and they ask their friends for suggestions. Dave suggests “The Pimp in the Crib” and “Snoop Dogg” but they let him name one “Karkat.” Not to be outdone, Rose names another one “Kanaya” but also suggests “Fluthlu, Foul Patrician of Misery.”  Roxy names one “The Wizzerd.” She was very specific about the spelling. John names one “Nicolas Cage.” Jake suggests “Neytiri” and almost every awful movie title he can think of (there’s a lot). They let him have “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Jane names one “Lil Sebastian.” Terezi names one “Pyralspite” and she and Kanaya offer the names of their dead friends and ancestors. Karkat doesn’t really care, but Dave nags him into suggesting some things so he offers “The Thresh Prince” and “Kiss My Shame Globes.” 

They discover that there are now eight zodiacal constellations as opposed to the twelve of the old universe. They conclude each one stands for the eight new gods, i.e. themselves, and they call meetings to decide what to call them. They have a hard time agreeing. John wants to just name them after their own names. Jade suggests their old Chumhandles. Jane suggests their classpects. Jake suggests their old symbols. “’Green Skull’ would be awesome!” Dirk disagrees. “Sorry, Jake, but no. I’d feel so fucking sorry for all the kids born under ‘Orange Hat’.” Roxy suggests objects of personal significance or maybe their weapons. Dirk likes that idea. Rose thinks they should be more esoteric. Maybe something about themselves in a dead language like latin or the language of the elder gods. They say ‘maybe’ to the former; ‘definitely not’ to the latter. Dave thinks everyone should just name their own constellation whatever the fuck they want. They don’t all have to be themed or match like a bunch of celestial teletubbies for fuck’s sake. We’re the gods of the new universe. Let’s personalize our own fucking specks of light in the sky. They end up going with Dave’s suggestion. Dirk still feels bad for the kids born under his sign. 

More End-game Headcanons

Because I’ve lost control of my life.

Dirk and Rose have deep discussions. Though that kind of depends on how you define “deep” and how you define “discussions”. He breaks out the philosophy and she rocks the psychology. It usually ends up turning into a rap battle, though Rose’s “rap” style is much more poetic. Whenever Dave’s around, they start talking in hushed tones while glancing over at him, just to make him nervous, though they are never really talking about him. 

After much coaxing, Dirk finally gets Calliope to share some of her fanfictions and much more of her fanart, as well as her essays. He is incredibly fascinated by all of it, especially the fanfics where he and Jake turn into giant snakes and hatefuck in space. He hung the first drawing she sent him in his new room to remind himself he’s a poofy pants asshole even when he’s no longer wearing the poofy pants. 

Dirk finds himself attracted to John but does his best to hide it, because Roxy’s finally happy and got what she’s always wanted and rightfully deserves and he’ll be damned if he’s gonna ruin that for her again. He only interacts with John when it is 100% impossible to avoid. John thinks Dave’s bro is just really really quiet and shy. 

Dirk and Jade become good friends. They talk about science and robotics for countless hours, and spend even more countless hours building said robots. She also teaches him about plants and gardening, and she’s one of the few people that he’s not embarrassed of showing his extreme fascination of plant life to. Anytime he sees a new plant sample, he drops whatever he’s doing and brings it to her. He’ll come to her with a Dandelion and she’ll be like no that’s a weed. And he’ll be like, but it’s awesome! And she’ll be like, yeah they are pretty great but not in the greenhouse! 

I super love the idea of Jake becoming the new leader of the Felt and Crowbar being his new mentor though. And I love the idea of the Felt teaching him about their “quadrants” and how they sort their very complicated relationships in easy-to-understand terms. 

I want it to help Jake understand his feelings for others in ways he wasn’t able to express before. Like “By Jove! I get it now! My feelings for Dirk were always more Stars and Balloons! Not so much Horseshoes and definitely not Clovers. But Roxy seems like a Clovers kind of gal…” And you get the gist. 

And I really want Jake to accidentally call Crowbar “dad” every now and then. And Jake is super embarrassed every time and Crowbar feels kind of weird about it but it’s a good kind of weird. And maybe he ends up becoming extra protective of Jake because of it. And it’s just great to think about Jake going from no family and complete isolation to having Jade and HUMONGOUS GREEN MOB FAMILY and everything is chaos but it’s a whole new adventure for him and he loves it. 

Mob Boss Jake and the Felt Headcanons

Jake’s lived on his own for so long, it takes a while to get used to having 14 henchmen to do stuff for him. Crowbar has to keep reminding him that it’s okay to order them around. Like Jake’s trying to reach something in a high place or lift something really heavy and Crowbar’s just, “why don’t you ask Quarters or Cans to get that for you?” And Jake would be like, “oh, but I wouldn’t want to put them out for my sake.” And Crowbar would groan and, “You’re our boss. It’s your job to put us out. And it’s our job to get put out regularly.” And then Jake is always terribly polite about his orders, “if it’s not too much trouble, would you mind please…” Cue facepalm from Crowbar. 

Ms. Paint decides the mobster life isn’t for her and starts a paint shop, but they still consider her an honorary member. 

The Felt build their own mansion outside of Can Town. Jake doesn’t live in it as he decided to stay with Jade, but he does spend most of his time there. Jade visits a lot and thinks his fuzzy puppet pals are absolutely adorable (and yes, she insists on calling them that). 

They own a saloon in Can Town where they have regular get-togethers and celebrations. They learned the hard way that Jake is too young to have alcohol (It’s a bit of a soft subject for Crowbar. He still feels bad about it). From then on it’s nothing but milk, juice or root beer until for him until he’s 21. 

They also helped to build and maintain Can Town. Since Jake won’t have them do anything criminal, they’ve sort of become more of a police force. But the Carapacians aren’t much for crime either, so their work usually consists of officiating events, dealing with the occasional wild animal or natural disaster, getting cats down from trees and helping to find missing children when they wander off in the department store. Matchsticks is Can Town’s first and best firefighter, since he can teleport directly through any fire. He spends a lot of time teaching fire safety seminars. 

Since there’s not much dadly business in Can Town, Dad Crocker takes up being a detective again, and sometimes enlists the help of the Felt in solving cases. 

Cans thinks Can Town was named after him and gets a big head about it. 

The Felt love it most when Nannasprite (either one, they can never tell the difference) visits because her cookies are amazing. 

Since Jake’s memory isn’t the best, Crowbar keeps track of all important dates and reminds Jake when someone’s birthday is coming up or he’s supposed to meet someone somewhere. Crowbar starts feeling more like a secretary than a gangster. 

Jake finds out that Crowbar is pretty upset about losing his crowbar so Jake gets him a new one and even paints it his favorite color (maroon). It’s no juju, but Crowbar likes it better somehow. 

Jake accidentally calls Crowbar “dad” a lot. Jake gets really embarrassed every time, and Crowbar doesn’t know how he feels about it but he starts getting more protective of Jake. 

For reasons he doesn’t quite understand, Crowbar does not like Dirk. Anytime Dirk comes to visit or hang out with Jake, Crowbar feels the need to answer the door, a weapon in hand and a glare in his eye. Whenever Jake goes anywhere with Dirk, Crowbar will sit on the front porch polishing his crowbar as they leave and always tells them to be back by certain time. Dirk’s a little weirded out by it, but not nearly as intimidated as Crowbar hopes. 

anonymous asked:

Hey I really love your feltdads bossjake stuff and I was wondering if there was any lingering awkwardness over the fact that crowbar shot Jake during collide? Like does crowbar ever think back to that moment and then starts hitting his head against a wall with regret? Also while I know its not related to Jake but do you have any head canons concerning Karkat and Clover?

Oh definitely. When they first started following Jake, I’m sure it was more of a, “hey, sorry for shooting you up back there. My bad.” But as time goes on and they grow closer, it becomes more and more of a sore subject for Crowbar. It gets to the point where he doesn’t even like looking at that gun (not that he has much use for it anymore), and he’ll bash anyone over the head who so much as mentions the incident (Sawbuck is usually the one who does it, unfortunately for both of them). And if he ever thinks of it himself, he’ll get really sulky and guilt-ridden especially if Jake’s around. He gets over it pretty quick though since he’s got a job to do and he ain’t gonna let no feelings get in the way of that (until the next time he thinks of it anyway).

Clover probably pursued Karkat pretty hard when they got to earth. Of course, I’m pretty sure Clover pursued everyone pretty hard. Karkat would probably feel pretty smug about beating him, especially after he learns about his extreme luck power. He wouldn’t get all the dancing at first, but someone probably tells him eventually. At which point, he would want all the details on Leprechaun romance and precisely what each charm stands for. He shares all this knowledge with Dave. And Dave starts doing goofy jigs and calling them “erotic dancing” and asking if Karkat is seduced yet. And Karkat would groan and tell him “THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE RIGHT DANCE IDIOT.” But Dave don’t care. He just keeps groovin’.

More Random Headcanons

Roxy shows Dave the wonders of Nintendo. They spend hours upon hours playing Mario, Metroid, Pokemon and Animal Crossing (among others).

Dirk and Jane like to quote Parks and Rec to each other. Jane does great Ron Swanson and Donna impressions, while Dirk is ridiculously good at Tom and Leslie. They both do pretty decent April and Andy. 

Sometimes Dirk likes to hang out with Dave and Karkat just to try and learn what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. He notices it usually involves a lot more casual physical contact than he’s comfortable with. 

Roxy and Rose read their wizard fics to each other, then read their respective parents’ finished works to the other. Then they write fanfics of the other’s fiction and read them to each other. It’s wizardficception.

Roxy voidsteals apples and apple trees are replanted. Dave gets to have apple juice again for the first time in years. Dave cries. 

Dirk is a bit unnerved by Terezi at first since she seems to know so much about him and his interests while he knows next to nothing about her or how to read her. Terezi takes full advantage of this and enjoys how his coolguy exterior isn’t nearly as difficult to break as Dave’s. Eventually, Dirk figures out she just wants to be friends and they come to an understanding. They start exchanging goofy drawings and image edits (which Dirk takes very ironically serious). She shows him her scalemates and together they make unholy smuppet/scalemate abominations. He knows it’s how she “sees” but he still hates it when she sniffs him and gets all tense every time. 

Dirk was never very good with physical contact, especially skin to skin. If he initiated it and was only touching them through their clothes, he was okay with it (it’s kind of like touching Cal or one of his other puppets). Otherwise, it was super uncomfortable for him. Dave’s hug was the first time human contact ever felt good, and he’s been a bit more open to touching since then. 

I really hope Dirk being part of the fight means he’s going to employ the help of his robots against Lord Jack. I don’t know about Squarewave, but Sawtooth definitely packs a punch. He may even send him to help with one of the other fights.

But I also hope they use Zillywave and Sawhoo.

Given that they’re made with the same cherub magic that made the other legendary cherub weapons and Lord Jack is arguably infused with cherub power, they may have an advantage over him. 

And I also hope Dirk finally uses his fancysantakind strife specibus.

And makes use of all the Zilly Santas they made too.

He could weaponize his entire sylladex with these things and just rap them out at LJ one after the other, like a silly zilly machine gun.