Coincidences are God’s way of remaining anonymous. - Doris Lessing
You know how there are times in your life, when you realize how God is so close to your heart and how God is so in love with you, that you are just in awe and amazement? I think I’m experiencing that because of how God spoke to me yesterday (1 Feb 2015) so directly yet ironically, so subtly as well.
It started in the morning when I went for mass and the 2nd reading spoke to me. For those who are my close friends, you would know that I had just ended my dedicated year of singlehood. But what I haven’t blogged and shared about publicly, is how God has affirmed me of this time of singlehood and to continue to use this sacred time to chase after His heart and do His will. So the 2nd reading was really so apt and another affirmation of the state of life I am in.
In the same way an unmarried woman, like a young girl, can devote herself to the Lord’s affairs; all she need worry about is being holy in body and spirit. - 1 Cor 7: 34
And so with that, I was quite joyful and at peace. But who knew that God was going to surprise me further in the day!
When I went home, I was searching for a piece of paper in my longchamp bag and couldn’t find any. Instead, I fold a folded piece of paper in the side pocket and proceeded to open it. I realized that it was a journal entry I wrote in the past!
As I read it, I realized I had written it just after I had broken up with *** and was going through a really rough stage in life.
I wrote about how I always felt like breaking down, even in class (I think I journaled during lecture) and how I don’t think my heart can take any more heartbreaks and hurts. I also wrote about how I don’t understand why all these things (referring to my two heartbreaks) had to happen to me. But I think my biggest struggle then, was realizing that I place a huge portion of my self-worth and self-esteem on being valued by guys. (Well, especially those two). I struggled with really valuing myself for being truly a child of God instead of comparing to other girls and devaluing myself. Oh you see in both cases, another girl was involved and I was left alone.
So I don’t blame myself then, for questioning my self-worth cause it happened not just once, but twice. What are the odds right! Yet with all those questions towards God, and with all those hurts and struggles, in that journal entry I still chose to surrender all to God. (definitely by the grace of God)
& boy am I glad I did.
As I see where I am now, confident in my own self worth because I know my identity is as a precious child of God. I no longer say it because I know it’s the right answer, but because I believe it. Also, I know that there is someone out there who truly loves me, someone who is the lover of my soul. I have never felt so much peace and joy before. Even the happiest times I had with any of the previous guys cannot ever compare with that amazing sense of peace and joy. I can keep going on, but then I would have to write a book. lol.
But the most amazing thing is that I wrote that journal entry… on the 1st of February 2013; exactly two years ago from when I found it again!!! A coincidence? I choose to believe it’s God’s hand, calling me to reflect and to be aware of how God has kept his promise and has been faithful.
So as I continue to look back and reflect on the past 2 years, I began to see clearly how God has been so faithful to me. In my lowest point, I surrendered my hurts and disappointments and struggles to Him, and He never turned on me. Even though I surrendered it to Him without the strongest of faith, He still chose to remain faithful and loving, and saw me through.
I look at myself now and when I wrote that journal entry 2 years ago, I see how God has truly healed all wounds with time. Fr Jude told me once before that healing takes time and it can’t be rushed. True enough, 2 years later, God has healed those heartbreaks; to the point where the guy and I can now be friends! And I actually journaled in that entry that being friends with him is something impossible and that hurt me cause he was a really good friend at the start. Over the two years, God blessed me with the grace, the patience, forgiveness and most of all love, to be able to restore a broken friendship - something I’m immensely grateful for.
God has also called me close to Him, to be intimate with Him and to re-form my identity as his precious daughter. So as for where I am right now, I can safely say I no longer place my self-worth on what guys think of me or how they treat me. I can also safely say that the wounds and hurts have mostly been healed by the grace and the love of God. Lastly, I can also safely say that I know my God loves me and that is all that matters to me.
Thank you Lord for speaking to me ever so strongly yesterday. For blessing me with the opportunity to take time and reflect how you have kept your promise and had heard my cries for help; that over the past two years, you have never left my side and guided me in the process of healing, of moving on, and of picking myself up and steadying myself in your Truth and your Love. O Lord, lover of my soul, I love you too and can’t imagine what life would be without you. Amen.
For those of you who are struggling, who see no way that your life can get back to what it was or to get better, trust me. It will. Surrender everything to God and trust. Trust that in His time and in His way, He will make all things new. TRUST and SURRENDER. He will be faithful cause that is who our Lord is. <3