coffee stops

The complementary personalities… the matching color schemes… the mutual extreme dedication to fitness and health… Sportacraig is the true power OTP

ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʙᴀʙʏ sᴇɴᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴍᴇᴍᴇ!


      PREGNANCY -

❝ We’re going to be parents! ❞
❝ Did you feel him/her/them kick!? ❞
❝ Do you want to feel the baby? ❞
❝ I’m pregnant…and it’s yours. ❞
❝ Do you think I’ll make a good mother/father? ❞
❝ What are you hoping for? ❞
❝ I feel so nauseous today… ❞
❝ What should we name him/her/them? ❞
❝ How many diapers do you think we’ll need? ❞
❝ You’re crying over a puppy? ❞
❝ Is just strawberry okay? They didn’t have strawberries and cream. ❞
❝ I’ve read this book four times I’m basically an expert by now. ❞
❝ Boy or girl? ❞
❝ Wait, do we have everything on this list I found? ❞
❝ Can you put the crib together? I’m so tired. ❞
❝ This kid can come out anytime it’s ready. ❞      
❝ You’re glowing. ❞
❝ How far along are you? ❞
❝ Please don’t freak out…but I’m pregnant. I SAID DON’T FREAK OUT. ❞
❝ Hospital. Now! ❞
❝ I think that was a contraction… ❞
❝ The due date’s not until next week! ❞

     NEW BABY -

❝ S/He’s your kid before five in the morning. ❞
❝ We need to go on a diaper run again. ❞
❝ We’re out of formula–where’s the other can!? ❞
❝ Ugh, s/he spit up on my good shirt! ❞
❝ S/he won’t stop crying, I don’t know what to do. ❞        
❝ Please take him/her, I’m going to go crazy with the screaming. ❞
❝ Is it even possible for a baby to scream so much!? ❞
❝ Should they be breathing like that? ❞
❝ I need to go check on the baby. ❞    
❝ If you never put him/her down you’ll spoil him/her. ❞
❝ Daddy/Mommy’s little girl/boy! ❞
❝ Good morning, little spawn of Satan! ❞
❝ Shhh, they’re finally asleep.  ❞    
❝ Dammit, I just got them to sleep! ❞
❝ Be careful, s/he’s a hair puller…. ❞
❝ Where’s the pacifier!? ❞
❝ I can’t find his/her blanket, please help me. ❞    
❝ I’ve been up since four this morning, it’s your turn. ❞
❝ I found you and the baby sleeping in the recliner at six am and it was so precious. ❞
❝ Stroller, diaper bag, playpen, blanket, bottles, what else do we need before we go to your parents? ❞
❝ A babysitter!? Are you insane!? ❞    
❝ You’re going to spoil them. ❞    
❝ We can’t go out with the baby, that’s just asking for trouble. ❞
❝ Baby’s awake… ❞
❝ S/he’s so precious…. ❞
❝ This is our son/daughter…. ❞
❝ We make damn beautiful babies. ❞
❝ Look at his/her little feet… ❞
❝ S/he has your eyes. ❞
❝ Do not dress him/her in that! ❞    
❝ Be careful with him/her! ❞
❝ Did you remember to pack his/her toy? ❞
❝ His/her first tooth came in today. Already bit me.❞
❝ Did you hear that? That was a cough.❞           

        CHILDREN -

❝ The kids won’t stop fighting. ❞
❝ We should have another. ❞
❝ Stop giving them dessert before dinner! ❞
❝ You’re going to spoil them rotten… ❞
❝ You need to learn not to fall for the puppy dog eyes.  ❞
❝ I just love them so much!? ❞    
❝ How are we going to break the news to them that they’re getting a brother/sister? ❞
❝ Their screaming woke the baby… ❞    
❝ I’m a horrible mother/father… ❞
❝ How can you make the baby hush and I can’t? ❞
❝ Was that a word!? ❞
❝ His/her first word better not be a damn cuss word! ❞    
❝ You look exhausted. ❞
❝ First steps! First steps! ❞
❝ Watch, s/he can roll over now! ❞
❝ I don’t want anyone else watching our baby/children. ❞    
❝ They totally wanted to build the pillow fort, not me. ❞
❝ Can you manage dropping them off? ❞
❝ Damn terrible twos, right? ❞
❝ How did they outgrow their clothes so fast!? ❞   
❝ I think we make damn good parents. ❞
❝ Why are both you and the baby crying? ❞
❝ Here, I’ll watch him/her, you go relax. ❞
❝ I haven’t been able to put her/him down all morning/day/night. ❞    
❝ S/he doesn’t want me, s/he wants you! ❞
❝ S/he just ran into the coffee table, don’t worry. ❞
❝ Stop fighting with me in front of the kid/s! ❞
❝ We shouldn’t have dressed the twins in matching outfits… ❞    
❝ Can I hold him/her? ❞
❝ S/he has separation anxiety because you never put them down! ❞
❝ My mother always hoped my kids would end up like me…I’m so sorry. ❞
❝ I wouldn’t let them do ____, so they started crying. ❞  
❝ Oh, s/he’s just a little angel! ❞
❝ Hello, little one! ❞
❝ I can babysit if you’d like. ❞
❝ Guess who broke your favorite ____. ❞  
❝ Finally got him/her/them to sleep. ❞
❝ It’s your turn to put him/her/them to bed. ❞
❝ I hate bath time. ❞
❝ Can you help me with the kids for five goddamn minutes!? ❞
 
❝ I think ____ is jealous of the baby. ❞
❝ ___ just hit ___, can you do something!? ❞
❝ Is locking kids in the basement against the law!? ❞
❝ They’re cute when they’re quiet. ❞
❝ Maybe taking them to the park will let out all their energy. ❞
❝ _____ colored on the walls today… ❞
❝ Look at the mess they made again… ❞      
                     

  • Slytherin: *stubs toe* FUCK!
  • Ravenclaw: *stops drinking coffee* Put a dollar in the swear jar. *continues*
  • Slytherin: *takes random can out of the trash* Judging by what you did last night, you need to put a dollar in the sin tin.
  • Ravenclaw: *chokes*
  • Qrow: Here's your cane, Oz.
  • Oscar: I'm also supposed to ask you for...
  • Oscar, to self: Are you sure that's right?
  • Qrow: Say no more.
  • Qrow: *Hands Oscar a mug of coffee*
  • Oscar: Ummm... thanks? What do I use this f-
  • Qrow: Tip it over.
  • Oscar: *Tips the cup over. Coffee comes out. Coffee does not stop coming out. It is an endless stream of coffee*.
  • Oscar: ..................
  • Qrow: Arguably the more dangerous of the two. Now tip that thing back up before we both drown. I'm getting flashbacks.
The Signs at the Cafe:

Aries: Dunks their hand into the Americano to see how the scars form.

Taurus: Contemplates their order slowly while eating tea bags off the counter. The barista is getting impatient.

Gemini: Pours salt into their coffee. They pour salt into everyone’s coffee. Someone should stop them.

Cancer: Makes up a little song about their breakfast sandwich and sings it quietly to themselves while staring at new customers.

Leo: Grinds the beans with their teeth.

Virgo: Asks for cream. Just cream. All the cream.

Libra: Brings their own beans and espresso machine that they plug into the wall. They tip generously.

Scorpio: Completely naked. They order a large tea and combine every bag into the same cup. They live on the edge.

Ophiuchus: Sets up a small gambling ring in the ladies bathroom.

Sagittarius: Walks behind the counter and makes their own damn coffee. They brought their own apron.

Capricorn: Orders a cup of raw lemon juice and drinks it in one shot while making eye contact with the barista.

Aquarius: Hides in the waste basket, attempting to get other cafegoers to pour drinks directly into their mouth.

Pisces: Arrives carrying a broadsword and a submachine gun. They order a caramel latte that they feed to the coyote accompanying them.