i feel numb, not in the way that what I do doesn’t matter, but in the sense i could stare at a wall like its a Sunday worship time doesn’t always exists in my mind, like time spent isn’t comparable to a daily allowance but more closely related to the amount of atoms in a bottle of water its limitless, like the last molecule of oxygen I feel as though my hydrogen is only a dream. It’s kind of funny how as a teenager and as an adult now I find myself on Monday morning thinking of how i can’t wait for the weekend, come Sunday morning at about 9:30 in the morning I find my patients wearing thin itching at the social interaction that work brings me, I used to say I don’t need anyone but my lies have been stretched between mountains and the safety net I built around the flying trapezes known as my thoughts is breaking. when coffee and nicotine cant break my sweat I turn to the elixir that turn men into boys and scholars into a fool, it flows golden brown and tastes great when mixed right. I can feel my nose grow every time i say im alright. Im breaking inside and that’s the first time its felt normal, the first time taking the path less chosen is the wrong path for me maybe i need to conform to feel a little more of the norm. or maybe i’ll just stare at the wall a little more, maybe it will crack a little over time and then maybe then I’ll see my escape.
my sleeping habits are so trash even on my nights off from the station my body won’t let me sleep im pretty much surviving off four little hour long naps a day / one 36 hour sleep session every two weeks / + enough coffee and nicotine to sedate a horse
my mom said this is the universes way of punishing me 4 choosing the night shift lifestyle over good clean college all nighters i’m starting to think she’s right i feel so aware that these habits are decreasing my lifespan :/