coercion is not consent

Friendly reminder to all that there is no wrong reason to refuse sex. Anyone who says otherwise does NOT understand consent. Consent is only consent if it is freely given without coercion. Every single NO is completely okay. Your NO is okay.

Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Ask yourself what they have to gain by that lie.

consent can not be bought.
consent must be freely given.
consent must be given without any kind of coercion - no matter it be violent or economical, emotional or extortative.

consent can not be bought.

If you want to do an adaptation of Beauty and the Beast and get rid of all toxic consent/coercion/manipulation elements in the relationship entirely, it is easily done by not making the Beast be the one imprisoning Beauty with him. 

A fairy laid a curse on him. Curses are all about Equal and Equivalent Exchanges. Her father steals a rose, which is like eating the pomegranate seeds or eating fairy food. The Beast doesn’t trap him there, the curse does. Her father cannot leave unless someone takes his place. None of this is the Beast’s doing. It just happens be at the Beast’s house, because that’s where the fucking curse is. 

Then the Beast and Beauty are just cellmates or unhappy roommates, and the slow burn romance can happen without so much in the way of unpleasant power dynamics. 

Ta da!

There’s a HUGE difference between a young women freely consenting to being tied up in a basement  because that’s what she wants to do & a young women consenting to it because they fear the consequences of not consenting (ie, their partner(s) will end the relationship if they don’t consent). I think consent should always be based on genuine desire, rather than on the fear of what will happen if you say no, that’s not consent that’s coercion.

sometimes i see people, especially abuse survivors, agonizing over wether or not a sexual experience was abusive or not and i just want to say something

you’re allowed to be traumatized and upset no matter what the answer to that question is. abuse does not have monopoly on trauma. i know that sometimes ive consented to things with no coercion and where it still hurt me; sleeping with women even when i knew i only liked men was one of the first times i felt that, and later hurting myself through sex i didnt want because i felt like i didnt deserve to sleep with men i was actually attracted to

those encounters were not abusive. its okay for that to upset me anyways. its okay, truly, to feel upset and sad and traumatized about sexual encounters that were painful to you in some way; even if you do come to the conclusion that it wasnt abusive or that no one was at at fault.

Was she beautiful or not beautiful? and what was the secret of form or expression which gave the dynamic quality to her glance? Was the good or the evil genius dominant in those beams? Probably the evil; else why was the effect that of unrest rather than of undisturbed charm? Why was the wish to look again felt as coercion and not as a longing in which the whole being consents?
—  the opening paragraph of daniel deronda is already contending for faves
New Pet Peeve In Fanfiction

People writing bullshit “Slavery AUs” and then act like people don’t have a valid point when people point out that any “relationship” between a free man and a slave is at best coercion and at worst systemically acceptable rape. Even if the slave offers consent it’s not like it would matter in the eyes of their law or society if he didn’t. And then they decide to throw in A/B/O bullshit and then act like a slave omega would have any ACTUAL ability consent within their fucked up system of mixing hegemonies, chauvinism, aggressively gendered politics into a great big ball of patriarchal bullshit.

I’m not saying you can’t have an intelligent and nuanced AU that tackles slavery, or a good A/B/O fic despite the biological essentialism that inherently comes with the trope, but when you mix the two together it’s really hard to watch people equate individuals as being of equal standing in a relationship when they glaringly ignore the inequalities and injustices that leave one character at a major disadvantage in a relationship and then try to bullshit your way out with a hamfisted “true love conquers all and there’ll never be any social ramifications for this forbidden love because it’s twoo love”.

My mothers 99 cent romance novels have a better understanding of societal inequality than some fics I’ve seen that come from actual novelists, and it’s frustrating. True love does not conquer all. Institutional slavery is something wildly different than BDSM total submission, and to equate the two is morally unconscionable and something that shows just how socially unaware the predominantly white female middle-class heterosexual who writes fanfiction is of the emotional toll she can put other fans of a program through by writing OOC versions of characters in really shitty scenarios and then acting like twoo wuv is all that’s needed to make everything better. Because it’s not. It’s an unrealistic expectation that cheapens real love, and real nuanced writing in the genres they blunder their way through.

I’m sorry, I need a drink and a vent because some of my fandoms are filled with people who gave up all aspects of the fandom but the characters and use them to play out the worst depravities imaginable and then either fail to properly tag them or just straight up tag them misleadingly. And when you ask them about it, they get all indignant and uppity and “Do you have any idea who you’re talking about?” or “What would you know about boy on boy”, Like I’m not an openly gay member of the community whose critiques of works aren’t well respected even if my fic-writing days are basically over with the advent of grad school.

TL;DR sometimes teenage Straight White Girls™ write terrible fanfiction that destroys characters and lack basic human decency and then get offended when you critique their lack of world-building or representation of established characters but know better than you how gay love works even though you’re a gay man.

thoughts on polyamory and the scapegoating of monogamy:

there is a lot of problems regarding poly community/identity/resources shit, because almost all the same problems of monogamy are present in polyamory, and people claim otherwise in a way that allows them to take advantage of others. 

there are two main reasons why poly is positioned as unattractive to certain people: 1. poly is unconventional in comparison to monogamy, and 2. poly requires people to eschew jealousy due to better communication. 

i think that point one is correct, but honestly, no big deal. most people who aren’t SUPER normative will have many, many more “unconventional” things in their life than having multiple partners of some kind. as for the second point, it’s pretty blatantly incorrect. jealousy doesn’t disappear, people just have (hopefully) consented (without coercion) to multiple relationships.  

but nonetheless, people who have multiple relationships do get jealous, and ideally, things work well when they can communicate about that.that’s all i see ppl with very visible poly identities seem to ever really to talk about though - consent and jealousy, consent and jealousy. 

if you can agree to the non-normative relationship, and aren’t coercing anyone, and you communicate your feelings, than yayyyy ethical poly! except… that is an incredibly low bar for ethics, and it only makes sense to set the bar that low if you’re someone who ignores so many other kinds of interpersonal abuse, while you feel pent up anger about someone “kinkshaming” your “poly lifestyle.” 

that is it is an incredibly hurtful idea that exploits many that enter poly unless the power dynamics are all incredibly even - with all their partners and their partner’s partners. poor people get left out during poly, poc get left out, disabled people get left out, and even when everyone else is “queer,” trans women get left out. these are some of the patterns i see in “poly community.” 

like, i get there are some convos happening about how bi women get fucked (literally and metaphorically) by hetero couples when they decide they’re done with her, but really, that is honestly the tip of the iceberg. it is disingenuous, especially in poly relationships, for people not to consider that the above factors may influence everything from ease of access to “romantic activities,” resources that impact quality of life, and what sort of things one might be able to do in general. 

feel like the person you’ve been dating for the last couple of weeks has an uncomfortable power dynamic with you because she can’t pay for herself for as many things as you’d like to do? well, maybe you should have considered that before you assumed that she could just join your polycule as long as you just kept “communicating.” 

it’s not like the fact you are communicating about “just feeling closer to your other partner” is related to the impact of classism, or similar to the way white colonial cis het aristocratic men would marry a wife of similar lineage and then sleep with one or many poorer mistresses, frequently with his wife’s consent, without imparting any of the same social capital or respect to them as he does to the wife - no, ending up with other partners with the same social capital and dismissing those who don’t have that is just an unrelated trend

so not only is the constructed idea that “poly is above monogamy due to eschewing jealousy” false, because jealousy exists in poly, but you also have just as many of same pitfalls as possible in poly shit as you do in monogamy. all the potentials for non-horizontal partner abuse are still there, and honestly, the tone in which people claim otherwise seems predatory to me. 

I’m so happy I cannot believe how great that episode was from start to finish

nonbinary character (with zero hurtful jokes or put-downs)
perfect portrayal of what an anxiety disorder/attack looks like
and lets be real an incredibly great metaphor for consent at like EVERY TURN.

Them looking at the doughnuts and being like “are we having fun? we can stop if we aren’t having fun”
Garnet’s encouragement to make the experience a good one
and everything that happened with that Kevin character?
The episode approached so many different aspects and elements involved in what consent looks like, both from an internal perspective (between two people who care about one-another and figuring out what they want and are okay with/enjoying), and from an external perspective (coercion/violation of consent/ect).
and it was all handled so gracefully and with such a genuine and realistically kaleidoscopic emotional edge to it, with stevonnie’s varied and shifting emotional states and comfort levels?

god bless the crewniverse