coercion is not consent

My transgender sterilization, or why my consent meant nothing.

In 2009 I was sterilized against my will. 

And it didn’t happen the way I expected. I wasn’t strapped to a bed or dragged screaming into an operating room. If that had been the case, at least I would have had an easier time understanding what happened to me. 

Instead it was the slow mounting of circumstances. I was told that without proof of sterilization, I couldn’t change the gender marker on my passport. I learned that without that change I couldn’t find a job. I couldn’t go to a bank, hospital or dentist without being publically humiliated as I was forced to explain the discrepancy on my passport. I couldn’t get through passport control to leave my country. I couldn’t safely go to a bar at night. And since I didn’t get sterilized, doctors doubted my ‘commitment’ to being transgender and refused access to further transition related care. 

Eventually I gave in. I needed to get on with my life. I was done screaming, crying, fighting. I made my appointment, packed up my own bag for a 3 day stay at the hospital and checked myself in for my own sterilization. The one I really did not want. 

When I made my appointment, when I checked myself in, when I went through preparation for surgery, I must have signed over half a dozen consent forms. It seemed that at every turn there was a new form for me to sign saying that I did in fact want this. That I was giving my full informed consent to the procedure. I’ve had other surgeries that did not involve this pile of paper work and looking back, I’m sure all that extra attention to consent was there precisely because I was being forced into this position. I was being sterilized against my will, but I had to put on a performance of consent so the agents within the system could never be held accountable. I do not know if the nurse who handed me my 5th consent form and prepped my for my surgery knew that I really wanted to run out of that hospital. I don’t know if she knew that I felt broken, defeated, hopeless. Sometimes I feel guilty about allowing her to be an unknowing participant in my violation. 

I hated the consent forms more than anything. 

I had the surgery and I went on, as I did before, to campaign against sterilization as a requirement for legal gender recognition. And in 2014 sterilization ceased to be a requirement for legal gender recognition in the Netherlands, where I live. I celebrated that day. I am really happy that the next generation of transgender people will not have to go through the same thing. 

But I never forgot what had happened to me or considered it a finished chapter. I never forgot that consent can be a performance, enforced to cover up a great coercion. I never forgot that the participants in a consent violation, doctors and nurses in my case, may not even be aware of their role because they did not witness the coercion taking place. They did not see how my options were limited until I got to this point. Consent can be a choice made because all the other roads you would choose are blocked. Consent can be the mask violation wears. And I am very skeptical when I see consent hailed as the highest standard for ethical conduct. So there is a ‘yes’, maybe even an eager, informed ‘yes’. But what’s the rest of the story? Where there are those with power and those without it, consent is not a good measure for whether abuse occurs.

I am sure others are at this very moment signing consent forms or saying ‘yes’ to things they really do not want.

soprie  asked:

I saw your post on Dumbledore and abuse and I was wondering how you felt about stories that romantically or sexually pair students and teachers? Like Snape/Harry Snape/Hermione Lupin/Harry, etc? I've always felt deeply uncomfortable with this side of fandom (it comes across as abuse to me), yet the prevaling attitude seems to be "Let people do whatever they want"

I…personally am not a fan of those kinds of stories unless it is made explicitly clear that the younger member of the pairing is now many, many years older. Like, mid twenties and beyond older, and that the feelings of the adults is a more recent thing and not something they ever entertained while they were a student. 

I don’t think huge age difference between consenting adults is an issue, which if I give you a real life example, one of my friends actually married one of our high school teachers. It was some 17 years after they had graduated, and admittedly the age gap is rather substantial. But they were happy and remain happy and that was their choice. But it was their choice made without the power imbalance of a teacher student dynamic and 17 years worth of life experience outside of that role to back it up.

Saying “oh but they’re 18 it’s legal” makes me profoundly uncomfortable because well…that’s what my English teacher, who I looked up to and admired greatly and was relying on for a college reference, said to me when he locked the classroom door.

So. Personally. It will squick me out and I am really not here for it being in canon context where the age of consent is an issue. That is the fastest way to make me turn tail and run. But my condemnation of it also depends on the age of the person writing it. I know when I was 15 I harbored crushes on some of my older teachers and enjoyed the idea of being wanted by someone who I perceived to be in control of this terrifying thing called life. I never acted on them because I knew that would be Wrong, and any adult who might have reacted to my immature impulses would have been 100% out of line and predatory. But I guess I feel that sometimes I’d rather have young people explore those thoughts in the safety of fanfiction than potentially acting on them? 

I dunno…

I know it doesn’t make me Happy. But I also know people will always write and explore things like that, either as a coping mechanism (after the whole English teacher thing my day dreaming became a lot more violent and I’ve worked through that through writing it down in journals, if not actual fiction. Doesn’t mean I condone anyone hauling off with an axe kill bill style but it helped me to indulge in the idea of not being powerless), a means of safely exploring an idea, or just sometimes for the sake of it. And I can’t Stop them. I know that, so I just ask they tag it very specifically so I don’t ever accidentally click on anything that will leave me feeling extremely uncomfortable. And that is also on me to pay attention to the tags and nope out if something takes a darker turn than I expected.

So. I guess I don’t really have an answer for you beyond “I hate it too but I get why it’s a thing”. Which is likely not going to be satisfactory for a lot of people cause I’m not calling for bonfires and pitchforks. But at the same time I believe the context of why something is being written is important, and also by whom. 

My only real hard stop do not pass do not go is when that kind of thing is being written by adults. I…cannot condone that. I’ve worked in the erotica industry long enough that if you tell me they’re both in their 20s and 30s and it’s roleplay that’s fine, I can cope with that, but if you try to tell me that 17 is close enough to 18 and a grown ass adult preying on an 18 isn’t predatory, I’m going to nope so hard out of your general vicinity I will leave a hole in the atmosphere. I learned from a very young age not to trust adults like that.

anonymous asked:

Oh gosh, and please tell me you’re not against sex work? I was scrolling and saw you reblogged a post about it.

Women’s bodies should not be a commodity to be bought. Consent gained through financial coercion is not meaningful.

Sex-work is a term coined by pimps because it sanitises the brutal lived experience of prostituted women and children. This is something they admit to telling sex trafficking victims from a young age to convince them getting paid to be raped is just like any other job.

I think is you need to look into the statistics regarding how many prostituted women would not be doing so if their life did not depend on it. The rates at which they suffer PTSD. The increase of human trafficking where prostitution is legalised because pimps and the rapists who pay for women’s bodies are also considered “sex workers”.

Wake the fuck up.

Everyone say it with me: COERCION is NOT CONSENT


If she says yes just to make you stop pestering her about something, that IS NOT consent. You’re consenting to something when you WANT to do it, not because you think a guy will stop pressuring you to do something.

This is a lesson I wish I’d learned more about before I went to college.

Mary, Fandom, and Consent

So, like… We interrupt your regularly scheduled shrieking about Sam with utter confusion about all this Mary hate I’m seeing? Everyone out there is allowed to love who they love and hate who they hate because preferences are things we are allowed to have without reason or explanation, but…

The reasons I’m seeing for the hate don’t really compute? 

Because I mean… let’s say that, without someone’s knowledge, I just… run myself ragged for them. I work 80-hour weeks and chug energy drinks just to keep going. I prop my eyelids open with toothpicks to keep myself from toppling over at my back-breaking job, and I save up my money while sobbing into my ramen noodles. Then I go to this person—my sister, let’s say—and I tell her, “I’ve destroyed myself to save up all this money. Move to Alaska with me and let’s live a wild life in the mountains!”

And heck, Alaska is awesome, but maybe I haven’t seen my sister in years and I don’t really know her that well, and she has a job and a mission she’s passionate about, and I didn’t even ask her. I did all of this without her consent, and the effort I put in and the pain I endured was to make this possible. I did make it possible. Regardless, it in no way requires her consent.

It’s like people are taking the coercive Nice Guy™ tactics they hate and claiming Mary should consent to do what her boys ask because they’re good people and they tried so hard?

And it’s genuinely true. Her sons are good people and they tried so, so freaking hard to find her.

But she doesn’t owe them anything. They undertook the task of their own will, and sometimes the answer is no.

On top of that, I know we all love the Winchester boys, but they are grown men, even though their loss as young boys has hurt them. 

Mary is, in fact, younger than they are, and she died and ended up in an unfamiliar world decades later. She’s trying to find a place in it.

And I’ll be the first to say that I want so badly for Mary to hear stories of her sons’ heroism and feel pride and form strong relationships with her boys, but… Mary is an anachronism scrambling for meaning after being torn from heaven to find her infant sons are taller and older than she is.

I love them. And I love Mary. And no one else is required to like her, not even a bit. 

But there’s one thing that’s true regardless of whether people like Mary or not: she does not owe them consent to return to a world she no longer feels she has a home in. No one owes another person consent because they tried hard to get it, and they really want it, and it’ll just kill them to be without it. No one.

Sam understood that. Possibly because his life has been a litany of coercion and manipulation and violations of consent and assumptions about his choices, he is quicker to acknowledge that Mary’s choices are her own and she owes them nothing. But of course that doesn’t mean he and Dean can’t make a counter-offer. In an episode with some otherwise unsettling implications about consent, I really appreciated that scene.

foulchaosinfluencer  asked:

What if Bill shapeshifted into Wendy, disguising his eyes and voice and makes out in bed with Dipper, then in the morning, show him it's you.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this done before somewhere??

I honestly doubt Bill would wait until morning to pop the surprise because

1) His patience is selective as hell.

2) His ego is put of control.

3) In terms of manipulating Dipper, it would be more effective for Bill to reveal himself while they’re fooling around. (TW: Manipulative behavior/coercion ahead.) While dipper would normally associate arousal with Wendy and shock/fear with Bill, the experience would make him associate arousal AND fear with both of them. Bad for Dipper’s relationship with Wendy, but a step forward for Bill. Bill could also pressure him to keep going on the grounds of “you were already enjoying it.”

More importantly, I’d be surprised if a crush Dipper had as a 12- or 13-year-old lasted into adulthood.  The trick would blow up in Bill’s face.  He’d sulk for days.

anonymous asked:

I’m gonna assume you’re a radfem. What is the ultimate solution to what you believe is wrong with the issues that’s bothering you. Also, do y’all believe that NATURALLY women are just as capable as being soldiers or doing construction and things of that nature that are typically deemed male oriented jobs throughout history? Until tumblr decided to ban porn I didn’t even know there was such a divide among feminists especially about pornography.

PART 1 OF THIS ASK

‘’issues’’ that are bothering radfems in no particular order and without my personal opinions on them:

  • prostitution - because purchased consent is not consent, it’s coercion. sex work is dehumanizing and traumatizing for women. 
  • pornography - which is prostitution on camera. it harms not only the women involved in the videos (physically and mentally) it also harms the viewers in the long run. (also 90% of sex workers want out of the sex industry).
  • surrogacy - similar to prostitution and pornography in the sense that women’s bodies become acquirable products for sale or rent. inhuman unethical and unnatural.
  • capitalism - which is the system that allows the commodification of women and their bodies. in a truly social society (ironic) women wouldn’t have to sell or rent out their bodies in order to survive. 
  • bdsm - wherein the majority of subs are women and the majority of doms are men. that results in: power imbalances, physical and emotional abuse and trauma. 
  • patriarchal religions - all holy books were written by men and serve to maintain and legitimize patriarchal power structures. FURTHERMORE. patriarchal religions falsely attribute the gift of creation to men when in reality every man on earth was molded from the flesh of women. (Adam you know where to stick that rib)
  • gender roles/femininity aesthetic as well as behavioral performances of femininity also serve to perpetuate patriarchal power structures. a woman who has been taught since birth to adorn her cage is too busy to reflect on what exactly she is adorning.
  • postmodernism/queer theory - radical feminism is based on materialism. women are oppressed because of their biological reality, which is not subjective, subjectable to changes or personal interpretations. postmodernism and queer theory are. according to queer theory one can identify into whatever class one wishes to, as long as one feels, or says one feels like a member of that class… wild.
  • the beauty industry - fills up the pockets of old wrinkly men. keeps women insecure, low self-esteem. their value and self-worth forever dependent on their physical appeal (to men). big bad.
  • marriage - marriage would be described by some as the wheels on which patriarchy is carried onwards. historically, marriage has been nothing but a transaction: a daughter, who belonged to her father now belongs to her husband, her reproductive labor, domestic labor, emotional labor and physical labor all at his disposition. (until death do us part!)
  • individualism - as opposed to class analysis. arguably the most overlooked and hardest ‘’issue’’ to overcome. it’s understandable that most women gravitate towards liberal feminism because they don’t have to analyze the reasons behind their actions, they don’t have to come to difficult and unappealing conclusions, they don’t have to feel the need to take action and stop engaging in whatever they are doing that’s harming women as a class. after all it’s their choice!

PART 2 OF THIS ASK

‘’solutions’’ to the issues

you say ultimate solution i say possible solutions. Depending on which radfem you ask you’ll get the following ones (again no personal opinions)

  • male exclusion - simply deciding to center one’s life and actions around females in all possible aspects.
  • refusing to birth male children
  • introspection - analyzing one’s actions and maybe asking oneself: is this something andrea dworkin would want me to do?
  • raising awareness - of all the issues mentioned above. spreading the radfem gospel.. not a solution but a step towards finding or creating a solution as a community.
  • being politically ACTIVE - political agency and action is essential for female liberation; especially concerning topics such as reproductive rights, legislation of prostitution, electing representatives ETC.
  • investing time and effort into making men aware of the issues, in the hopes that they’ll do their part for the liberation of women and do the same with their fellow men.
  • creating a virus that only affects the y chromosome, thus wholly decimating the male population within months or years.

PART 3 OF THIS ASK

‘’do y’all believe that NATURALLY women are just as capable as being soldiers or doing construction and things of that nature that are typically deemed male oriented jobs throughout history?’’

the question here isn’t if women are capable of being soldiers or construction workers or performing well at jobs that are commonly deemed ‘’male’’ the question here is, why do you see men as the norm and women as the other? why do women have to reach the male standard and not the other way round? are men *naturally* capable of being healers? carers? men have been waging war against men since times immemorial, women have been suffering the consequences for as long. what makes you think that women, as a class want to be soldiers? 

answer: you think because men have killed and maimed and tortured men, it must be an objective for women as well. you believe that whatever men do, it must become the example, the goal for women.  that’s your libfem-fueled distorted sense of ‘’’’equality’’’’ between the sexes. the truth is, there is no equality to be achieved within a system that is controlled by the class we aim to be equal to. it’s not about equality but liberation. 

ask yourself how much better would things have been, if there were less female soldiers and more female political leaders, how much better would things have been if the fates of whole continents and countries had not been completely determined by men, aka 50% of the population? how many wars would have been avoided? how many lives spared?  we will never know. 

the question is not: are women capable of destroying? the question is: are men capable of creating without destroying? will they ever reach the female standard in that respect? will they ever be equal to us?

anonymous asked:

Teenagers can and will have sex with eachother. In the eyes of the law that is illegal but it will happen, which is why we need better sex ed and to make sure they know what sex is because it will happen. It's not bad or gross to acknowledge this fact, I'm 17 and lost my virginity when I was 15 to somone of similar age. It was not traumatic, I was ready, and that only because I was educated. educate the youth so they can make decisions themselves when the time comes.

WE 👏 NEED 👏 BETTER 👏 SEX 👏 EDUCATION


Education about safe sex and pregnancy prevention! Education about safe queer sex! Education about active consent and coercion! Education about physical, emotional, and sexual abuse without using scare tactics! Education about pornography!

In fact, fuck it, here’s some links if there are any teens following me:

Consent videos from planned parenthood, ft. All kinds of queer couples, roleplayed examples, and a sufficiently awkward presenter

A site that lets you find a method of birth control that works for you, and helps you obtain it

What to do when you get rejected or put off

Scarleteen, in general, is an amazing resource

Sexplanations is another one that goes more into mechanics, kink, as well as more great examples of what consent is & isnt, coercion, abuse, and real stories about these topics that don’t match what you may have seen in school or media.

2

I vividly remember being woken up by having the blankets ripped off of me and being pulled by my ankle from the bed. I had fallen asleep while putting my daughter to bed, but I was supposed to go get him so he could have sex. I was woken up and screamed at. Accused of going to sleep on purpose. Called every name you could think of. Told this is a reason I couldn’t be trusted. Told I was a liar, and a piece of shit who clearly didn’t care about him. Verbally abused, followed, and degraded relentlessly until I agreed to let it happen…so I could be left alone. Always resulting in feelings of being used and violated afterwards. I’d head straight to the shower to try to burn the feelings and flesh off. “Everyone fights about sex.”

This wasn’t an isolated occurrence and reclaiming my body after years of abuse is proving to be a journey. 

Coercion is not consent. You won’t change my mind. 

Friendly reminder to all that there is no wrong reason to refuse sex. Anyone who says otherwise does NOT understand consent. Consent is only consent if it is freely given without coercion. Every single NO is completely okay. Your NO is okay.

Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Ask yourself what they have to gain by that lie.

Take Your Pick [Dark/Reader/Anti, NSFW]

I’ve had this fic in my head for months. And it’s weird and messed up and I’m awful for contributing these things, but I’ve had the time to come to terms with the fact that, fuck it, I’mma write what I want and post it and everyone’s just gonna have to deal. No apologies for this one, I’m done being sorry. I just wanted to get it written and out of my brain, lol.

Summary: You never meant to sell your soul to either Dark or Anti, and certainly not both. But they seem to think that’s exactly what you’ve done. Now they’ve decided you need to choose between them, you’re going to have to face the consequences.

[Anti/Reader, Dark/Reader, Dark/Reader/Anti threesome, very much NSFW. Reader is cis female.]

Warnings: Hoo boy. This is basically just a smut fic, with the reader getting fucked by Anti and Dark. They’re very much demons and not particularly nice about it; there’s dubious consent and threats and coercion, though the reader is into anyway. There’s a knife involved (it is Anti, after all), though not a huge amount of knifeplay, and then scratches and bruising and rough sex. And weird demon anatomy, including fuckin’ tentacle dicks. Did you want tentacle dicks? You’re getting tentacle dicks.

(Dark is the one with tentacle dicks; Anti has a weirdly shaped demon dick, but it’s still mostly humanoid. His sex scene is first, so you could read that then stop before the tentacles if that ain’t your thing I guess.)

With regards to the sex… if there’s a hole that can be fucked, it’s getting something in there. Vaginal sex, anal, oral (blowjob and cunnillingus), double penetration, spit-roasting. Other warnings are probably some kind of mind control/mental influence from Dark, derogatory names, edging, overstimulation, worth noting again that they’re really not that nice about it at times, and I did mention the tentacle dicks, right? 

I think that covers everything. >> Uhh. Enjoy?

Keep reading

“If a cure for autism is found, no one will force you to take it.”

I have to play hypothetical here since due to autism’s nature, we will never remove it from already born autistic people. We will more likely see pre-natal tests and selective abortions, like we do with Downs Syndrome.

But going with the hypothetical cure for born autistics, yes it would be forced and never tell me it would not be.

People are right now giving their children bleach enemas because they believe it will cure their autism. Do you believe the children consented to this? Of course not. When you read the posts from these parents, they admit the kids are fighting them and they are getting sick. They DO NOT WANT THIS!

Children who are too young to make an informed decision, will be forced to be cured. Non-verbal people that no one makes an effort to communicate with will be forced to be cured. 

Others will be forced in a less direct way. They will be denied the accommodations they need because “Hey, it’s a lot easier for you to just get cured.” That type of coercion is not true consent.

anonymous asked:

Minors shouldn't be firefighters but the adult inmates chose to volunteer as firefighters. I don't see the problem.

you really need to rethink your concept of volunteering because there’s hardly any opportunity for consent in an environment of coercion and incarceration. anyone who has been to prison can tell you there’s no “choice” between sitting in some shitty cell for most of the day and “working” for peanuts for the state or corporations that have prison labor agreements with the jail, participating in shady drug trials, and all the other bullshit that goes on. you need to consider the violent and retaliatory nature of the prison system before you assume ppl are really volunteering for dangerous jobs that pay $1/day and won’t even hire them as fully paid members after they’re free. i’m also told that work is required at the federal prison level.

anonymous asked:

Okay, so I'm a heteroromantic asexual, who is very sex-repulsed. When I came out to my boyfriend, he was supportive and such. Now, a few months later, he jokingly asks me to send nudes almost every day. He has forwardly said that he is just joking, but it still makes me REALLY uncomfortable. How should I confront him without breaking us up?

IF he was JUST joking, he would’ve made the joke ONCE, possibly twice. If he’s asking you all the time, then he’s definitely not joking, and does want to see you naked and have sex with you, under the excuse that he is “just joking” so you won’t get upset. You should get upset, because he is not supportive of you. Being supportive respects your feelings and decisions. By doing this, it sounds as if he is trying to undermine your feelings towards sex and really doesn’t want to respect you. Do not send him nudes and do not be alone with him.

I’m not sure how old you are, but your situation sounds similar to mine when I was in my mid-teens. (Might be why the answer is so intense, my apologies). You need to be thoroughly thoughtful with this. Sit him down, tell him this talk needs to stop, and set clear boundaries for what actions you are comfortable with, as well as your sex-repulsion and what you do not want to hear about sex. If he can be mature, he will stop with the things that make you uncomfortable, and not be whiny or passive-aggressive about it. He will not start this routine of “jokingly” asking for nudes again. He will not try to be alone with you at the end of any dates while expecting to try and get sexy with you. He will not try to get you to do “watered-down” sex acts, like touching, oral, etc. He will most definitely not ask you to “try” sex to “get over” your repulsion. 

If he cannot, you need to break up. It sounds like it would be the end of the world, but you don’t need to be in any relationship that doesn’t have clear respect between both partners. It would be way worse to stay together if he doesn’t respect your wishes and keeps pushing for nudes and possibly sex. 

I had a boyfriend for about 2 ½ years in high school. We were great friends, and I went along with him asking me out. Soon enough, it got to the point where I started to get pressured for things, and ended up doing things that I regret, because I felt I couldn’t object because we were in a relationship, I didn’t want to lose the only person who could ever possibly like me, and I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to (didn’t figure out I was aroace until last year, almost 21 now). I broke it off, and everything was bad for a minute, but it got better. Unbelievably, he still contacts me every now and then in skype asking if I want sex (knows I’m aroace now) after 5 years. 

Before you get into any relationship, your sex repulsion and boundaries need to be discussed. And understood. And respected. 

- Mod Mikoto

vanityfair.com
“Who Gets to Live in Victimville?”: Why I Participated in a New Docuseries on The Clinton Affair
Reliving the events of 1998 was traumatic, yes—but also worth it, if it helps another young person avoid being “That Woman”-ed.
By Monica Lewinsky

Victim or Vixen? That’s a question as old as time immemorial: Madonna or Whore? Predator or Prey? Dressed scantily or appropriately? Is she telling the truth or lying? (Who will believe thee, Isabel?) And it’s a question that is still debated about women in general. And about me.

The debate over who gets to live in Victimville fascinates me, as a public person who has watched strangers discuss my own “victim” status at length on social media. The person at the epicenter of the experience doesn’t necessarily get to decide. No—society, like a Greek chorus, also has a say in this classification. (Whether we should or shouldn’t is a debate for another time.) And society will no doubt weigh in again on my classification—Victim or Vixen?—when people see a new docuseries I chose to participate in. (It’s titled The Clinton Affair. Bye-bye, Lewinsky scandal … I think 20 years is enough time to carry that mantle.)

Some closest to me asked why would I want to revisit the most painful and traumatic parts of my life—again. Publicly. On-camera. With no control of how it will be used. A bit of a head-scratcher, as my brother is fond of saying.

read more

sexual trauma should never be used as some sort of bargaining chip or something that you have to just automatically get over because your lack of sex drive or sexual attraction makes someone feel rejected. the same goes for genital “preferences”, which never have to be forcibly unlearned to please a hypothetical partner. whatever happened to enthusiastic consent? safe, sane, and consensual? discussions of the ‘grey areas’ of sexual assault or how consent cannot be freely given under coercion? how can you possibly claim to be campaigning against rape culture while quite literally perpetuating it at the same time?

Warning - Ramble: 

I’m not trying to be an Ygritte apologist here; I understand her coercion and disrespect for Jon’s consent was wrong but the impact she had on his narrative was incredible to watch unfold every time. And while I don’t think Jon and her would have remained partners for long at all in any other AU circumstance, but it’s easy to see how some parts of him grew to care for her so deeply. Sure, people remember she was fierce and brave and good with a bow, but they often overlook how determined she was in her cause to survive, how she liked to sing and the thought of giants going extinct brought tears to her eyes. 

I see us demonize or purify all these characters so aggressively sometimes it’s easy to forget the good and the bad and the canon tbh