I’m starting a “Miss Quill’s Sapphic Harem” (”Miss Quill’s Wives Club”? I’m open to name suggestions lmao) for all sapphics who love their chaotic neutral freedom fighter/terrorist murder wife and are dedicated to writing/reading sapphic Miss Quill fic and supporting each other in this most sacred endeavour
hit me up to join, all sapphics welcome (including nb peeps ofc)
I think it’s awesome we realize the value of marriage. I’m glad Muslim women are seriously searching for mates. That’s what we should be doing—it’s far better than the alternative—but we HAVE to be smart about it. These are our lives on the line. We are the ones with the wombs. We are the ones who take them into our bodies. There is a lot at stake. That’s why I make this plea: Muslim women, please stop marrying crazy men!
After hearing story after story about women who being deserted, women being abused (in various forms), women being cheated on (repeatedly), and women having their joy straight-up extinguished, I can’t stay silent any longer. No, I’m not blaming women for the deplorable actions of men—they’ll have to answer to Allah for their own deeds—but I am asking begging women to realize that not every person who calls themselves a Muslim is worthy of your hand.
I think Muslimah desperation has a lot to do with it. You may be wondering what Muslimah desperation is, but I’m certain you already know. If you’ve been Muslim longer than a month, you know. Certainly you’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve experienced it. But just to be sure we’re all on the same page, let me get a formal definition popping off.
I get it: no one wants to be lonely and we should hasten toward marriage, but that’s only after we’ve vetted a worthy mate. Therein lies the problem.
Muslimah mate selection
Yall know how we do. We’ll meet a brother, have a couple of supervised visits, start feeling butterflies, then make that speedy trip to the masjid for a quick nikkah. Keeping it Islamic, right? Wrong. Look at the example of Fatimah (ra). She didn’t “hasten toward marriage” when the first suitor came for her hand. She refused many though most of them had money and status. It wasn’t until the right man came, with proper character and a pure heart, that she agreed to marriage.
I know what you’re thinking, “But that was the Prophet’s daughter. She had a large selection and could afford to turn men down by the dozens. I’m over here struggling, trying to front like I’m not attracted to my non-Muslim coworker who keeps inviting me to lunch.” I hear you, sis. It’s hard out here for a single Muslim woman, but we have to remember the point of marriage. It’s not JUST to be married, JUST to have a halal sex partner, JUST to have an excuse to get out of our parents’ houses. Marriage is about building—a family, a community, a legacy, a foundation for worship. You can’t do with any ol’ guy.
And so when it comes to choosing someone to marry, we have to be patient and coherent enough to observe. A lot of times, we get caught up in the surface (lush beard, kufi on head, sajdah mark, rolled up pants, etc.). Not knocking any of that, but please know the bearded brother with the dhkir beads could cheat on you entertain potential co-wives on your honeymoon… It happens. I’m not saying any of this to vilify men who “look the part.” All I’m saying is this: do your due diligence, do not rush, don’t allow anyone to pressure you (including yourself and your parents), and watch for signs!
Signs that you may be about to marry a crazy man
Sometimes men present themselves to be one thing and then turn out to be another. Other times, though, they show us straight out who they are and we still marry them. Muslimah desperation strikes again. Here are some signs you might be about to make a bad choice.
Marrying someone you never met:
Sisters get into this situation when they hear there is a good brother in X state who is looking for a wife. He’s very religious and doesn’t want to waste any time in getting married. He’s Muslim, you’re Muslim, so the only halal option is to get married over the phone and then get to know each other after. Though it is always possible that the brother could turn out to be the man or your dreams, chances are slim… like, really, really slim.
Marrying someone who’s been divorced many times (often with very short-lived marriages):
Some brothers have no interest in building. They only want a few months of sex. Of course, they don’t tell the women that. The wives find out after they realize they’ve been lured into an empty marriage.
Marrying someone who has no job and is not at all bothered by his lack of employment:
To be clear, I’m not talking about a hard-working brother who is between jobs. I mean the guy who is GOOD not working. He lives with his parents or someone else and is quick to utter vague statements like, “Allah will provide” when you question him about how he’ll provide for his family.
Marrying someone in the “street pharmaceuticals” industry:
*Sigh* I wish I were making this up, but wallahi it is an issue. There are Muslim men who refuse to get a legitimate job because, and I quote, “I don’t want to work for the kuffar.” So instead of finding a Muslim company to work for or starting a halal business, they choose to sell drugs.
Marrying someone who doesn’t seem all that happy to marry you:
Marriage doesn’t get easier after the wedding; it gets harder. So if he seems uninterested/distracted/not that into you from the start, it will only get worse. Don’t settle for a man just because he is willing to marry you. He should be overjoyed, happy you chose him!
Marrying someone who has a markedly different interpretation of Islam:
This doesn’t necessarily mean he is crazy, but it may be the cause of a lot of frustration, assumptions and miscommunication that could leave YOU feeling crazy. It’s easy to assume all Muslims believe the same thing, but one person’s understanding may be very different from your own. If you don’t discuss these things before marriage, you won’t know.
Becoming a co-wife without first meeting the existing wife:
Who knows better of a man’s character than his wife? If you are open to being a co-wife, would it not make sense that you talk to the woman you’ll be sharing a husband with? If he is not open to this, he’s suspect. It is not at all unreasonable for you to expect an introduction. You need to hear what she has to say and gauge whether or not she is open to your presence. If she isn’t, think long and hard about entering into a marriage that may be full of drama.
Marrying a hijab nazi:
Before things get misconstrued, let me explain what a hijab nazi is not. A man who wants his wife to wear hijab isn’t a hijab nazi. A man who wants his wife to dress modestly isn’t a hijab nazi. That’s expected. A hijab nazi is a man who is harsh and overly critical of women’s clothing—even when they are already dressed properly. For example, a man who gets upset with his wife because she wore a (perfectly modest) red dress instead of one that is black or storm cloud gray is a hijab nazi. There is no prohibition against color.
Narrated Anas bin Malik that he had seen Um Kulthum, the daughter of Allah’s Apostle, wearing a red silk garment. (Buhkari ,7.733)
Marrying a jerk:
Ladies, please know that a man who doesn’t appear to be kind, loving, thoughtful and compassionate toward others will not be kind, loving, thoughtful or compassionate toward you. Sometimes women will overlook a man’s sourpuss demeanor because he prays frequently and visits the masjid often. Of course these are wonderful qualities, but if the peace and contentment those things should bring aren’t evident in his behavior, you have to question his sincerity. Consider the following Bukhari hadith (2038): Anas, who was his [Prophet Muhammad’s] helper, said: “I served Allah’s Messenger for ten years and he never said to me, ‘Shame’ or ‘Why did you do such-and-such a thing?’ or ‘Why did you not do such-and-such a thing?’” If the beloved prophet was this kind to his helpers, imagine the way he treated his wives. That is the behavior you should seek in a husband. Until you find that, do not marry. Yes, that’s easier said that done, but it is much better for your heart and soul in the long run.
Keeping Muslimah desperation at bay
If we are to avoid marrying crazy men, we have to keep our yearnings and desires in check. That’s hard to do when your friends are all married, sex is everywhere, and sensible mates seem to be nowhere. I see the dilemma, but I also see the dilemma of pained women who are in tortured marriages with men who turned out to be nothing like they had assumed. And when many of them look back, they can admit that they didn’t think things through clearly. That’s all I want: clear minds and well-thought-out decisions.
I know what it’s like to want to be married and not have anyone (worthwhile) to marry, but you have to believe that Allah will bless you with a mate. Don’t ever allow yourself to despair and think, “There are no good men left.” The moment you concede to that pseudo-fact, you begin to attract the very energy you believe exists. If you exist and you are a good woman, it shouldn’t be hard to believe that a man exists who is also good. You MUST believe in the possibility of happiness. If not, what are you implying of your Lord who put within you the very desire you seek to fill? Did He not create this world, this sun, this continually expanding universe? Did he not put air in your lungs and life in your heart? Do you honestly think it’s too much for Him to put a good man in your life? Surely, you don’t believe that.
Divorced wives do not deserve maintenance for life, but our marital laws need an urgent overhaul
Divorce is a costly battleground, and our antiquated laws aren’t fit for purpose. No wonder marriage continues to decline in popularity. At the moment, our judicial system still entertains the ludicrous concept of blame, where one side has to take responsibility for a breakdown.
The people who profit from this mess are lawyers, and the results are not just protracted and expensive, but cruel. Recently, a woman whose 39-year marriage was described as “loveless” was refused a divorce, because neither side was prepared to be named as “guilty”. This week, she lost her case in Court of Appeal, a ruling which was branded “disgraceful”.
Maintenance is another minefield – why should divorce entitle a former wife to an income for life? Expecting to be supported long after any children have finished their education seems to be asking for special treatment. Yet most judges (men) seem to think that women need help, and should be allowed to live in the manner to which they had been accustomed.
I wonder why successive governments are so reluctant to reform divorce laws? The last attempt failed in the 1990s. Who are MPs frightened of offending? Modernising marriage and divorce would be the single most beneficial change we could make for future generations.
To ensure the institution of marriage is more attractive, it must be treated like a simple contractual arrangement, where the terms of separation, division of property and financial arrangements in the event of a breakup are included in the legal document that binds one person with another.
In short, getting married needs to be hard, and splitting up needs to be easier. When a marriage ends, no blame should be attached.
I’m astonished at the lack of knowledge exhibited by most cohabiting couples, even people with giant IQs, who imagine that they are in a better place than married couples. They need to wake up and realise they are living in the legal equivalent ofla-la land: should they wish to split up, the process will be fraught with ambiguities and uncertainties.
Many will have to resort to costly legal proceedings to resolve issues relating to property and financial affairs. There will be bitterness and big bills.
We need to take religion, the embarrassing terminology, and the gush out of marriage. It should be fashioned into an institution that works in a modern society with equality laws, a society that treats women not as breeders, home makers or chattels, but as contributing partners in a business.
Unfortunately, some of our top legal experts are at loggerheads over divorce reform. Baroness Deech has introduced a private members bill that has passed two readings in the Lords and now goes to the Commons. It proposes to limit maintenance to three years, except in cases of hardship, in line with most divorces in Scotland, North America and the rest of Europe.
You can see how the legal profession and conservative Christians and religious groups might resist this. London has become the divorce capital of the world as wealthy women seek to fleece their former spouses, asking for obscene amounts of “living” expenses long after hubbie has fled home.
Lord Wilson, a senior law lord, has complained publicly about the concept of blame, saying reform is “long overdue”, and thinks prenuptial agreements should be binding, not something that a divorce judge can chuck out if they consider the terms unfair.
But Lord Wilson also wants couples who have lived together for a long time to have the same legal status as those who are married, which simply adds confusion. He disagrees with Baroness Deech about maintenance, claiming it is “unrealistic” for older wives to have to “fend for themselves”.
What a patronising load of tosh, spouted in the name of chivalry. I accept there are older women of my generation who gave up their careers to bring up children and support their husbands. Some will have gone back to work in middle age, but many will have taken a hit in their earnings or chosen to work part-time.
I don’t see why some could not be encouraged to retrain or be paid to find a way to re-enter the workforce. Perhaps the way forward is to only apply changes in maintenance to new marriages and to means test all those applying for it.
Most modern women I know enter a relationship as an equal and don’t expect to be supported. In fact, more women than ever are the breadwinners.
At the moment, marriage is in danger of becoming an institution favoured by older couples, the wealthy and the middle class. That must change.
Honestly after Jane was by Petra’s side coaching her during labor, after she held her beautiful babies with her, if the show tries to use petty drama to go back to an unnecessary animosity…. I will be a streaming red little tea kettle
Like, Petra is ride or die for Jane now
She’s like “I’d kill for that woman”
And Jane is “I will never let another thing bring unhappiness to Petra or those baby girls ever again so help me god”
The Relationship Between the Noble Wives of the Messenger of Allāh (ﷺ)
It is reported that ‘Ā’ishah (Allāh be pleased with her) said,
“Umm Habibāh (Allāh be pleased with her) called for me on her deathbed and said, 'There used to occur between us the kinds of things that happen between co-wives (al-darā’ir), so may Allāh forgive me and you those things.’
I said, ‘May Allāh forgive you all those things and release you from [all liability] for that.’
She replied, ‘You have made me happy, may Allāh make you happy.’
And she sent for Umm Salamah (Allāh be pleased with her) and said the same things to her.’“
[Source: Imām Al-Dhahābee, Siyar A’laam Al-Nubalaa’, Vol. 2, p. 223]
Polyandry: This is a form of marriage where one woman is married to two or more men.
Fraternal Polyandry: Same as above, but the husbands are brothers/are considered to be brothers.
Polygyny: This is a form of marriage where one man is married to two or more women.
Sororal Polygyny: Same as above, but the wives are sisters/considered to be sisters. This is not the same as sororate, which is when a man marries the sister of his dead wife as a form of substitution.
Group Marriage/Polygynandry: This is a form of marriage where many people (more than one person per gender must be present) are married to one another.
Polygamous marriages don’t often happen at the same time if the wives or husbands are not also siblings. For example, a man may marry a woman and be in a monogamous relationship with her for ten years, but for economic reasons they may agree that the husband needs another wife and then marry her as well. However, second wives and so on are often much younger than the first wife.
There are also certain rules that come along with polygamy depending on culture. If you’re writing about a specific culture, you’ll have to research. If you’re making up one, it’s still a good idea to research to get an idea of what other people do. For example, it may be illegal for someone to have two wives who are first cousins or siblings or it may be taboo to have your husbands sleep in the same room or even live in the same house.
Sometimes polygamy is considered a luxury and only available to the wealthy. It may be forbidden for lower classes to engage in polygamy or the opposite may be true in which it is an economic necessity to be polygamous.
The status of children also varies. They may be considered the children of all the parents or just of their biological parents.
Oh and the myth that all women hate polygyny is wrong. There are women, particularly in smaller and less technologically advanced societies, that see it as an economic advantage and something they would prefer, especially if their co-wives are their siblings. There are also practices in which if a man wants another wife, he must have his first wife’s permission.
Reasons for Polygamy:
There are too few women and too many men so women marry multiple men and vice versa.
More wives = more children, more labor, and shared duties among wives so that all responsibility does not fall onto just one person.
It can expand political allegiance.
Someone in a monogamous relationship is infertile/sterile, thus calling for an additional spouse (sometimes a sibling) to produce offspring. This is not the same as asking a sibling to donate sperm/an egg.
It might be a cultural trait that shows wealth and power or masculinity/femininity.
In polygyny, it might be forbidden to engage sexually with women who are menstruating, pregnant, or breastfeeding, thus leading to having a second wife for that purpose.
In levirate marriages, a widow marries the brother of her late husband even if the brother is married to someone else, often for economic reasons, to keep familial bonds, or for political reasons.
Tom Hiddleston is a treasure trove of excellence and splendor that just keeps on giving.
Every day there is literally something new and intriguing about this man that is rediscovered, from profound read aloud sessions of poetry, to hilarious interviews of him dancing, to cute red carpet photos with co-stars and their wives, to Jaguar commercials of him being a badass villain. Tom Hiddleston is a bottomless pit of intellectual whimsy, and I don’t think my heart will ever be full enough of it. Taylor Swift, you are one lucky, blessed, heavily favored woman. Who cares what any hater says. You have lost many battles in the past, but guess what, you won the war.
Prompt: Callie writes Arizona a letter a few weeks after the break up.
Dear Arizona, I know you’re still mad at me because of what happened, I understand that you’re still processing it, that my decision is still sinking in but I want you to know that what I did was the best for us. I don’t want you to think that I’m not sad because I am. I’m hurting too. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you anymore because I do love you and I always will because you are the love of my life and I think - no - I know, that I will never be able to love someone the way I love you. I see that you’re still avoiding me and I understand that too, you need space. But I just want you to know that my heart hurts everytime I see you changing your way so you won’t have to pass through me, the way you pretend I don’t exist when you have no scape and I don’t know for how long I can take it, Arizona. When I told you that I was smiling more, how happy I felt during that time I wasn’t lying, I really hadn’t felt like that in God knows how long. But now I realize why I was that happy when we were on the break. I was feeling free, doing all the things I wanted, I was happy because I knew that no matter what I did when I went home you’d be there. It doesn’t matter what I did I would have you and Sofia to go home to. I wasn’t lying when I said I was done trying to fix us and that I would start to love myself more, that was all true. I’m done fixing us because by doing that I forgot who I was, I forgot to take care of myself and all I wanted to do was to take care of you and our marriage and that was a mistake. Forgeting about myself was a mistake because if I forget about my own happiness and to love myself, how can I love you the way you deserve to be loved? So yes, I made the decision and I’m not going back on that. Not for now. I want you to invest in your career, to feel fullfiled about it. I want you to take care of our daughter and to love yourself too because now I can say that that feels good. I’m happy to be loving myself again and I’m sure you will too. I don’t really know how to explain this to you without making it sound weird but I’m happy and sadat the same time. I’m happy with the things I’ve been acomplishing but I’m not a hundred percent happy. There’s still something missing and I know that you are the missing piece. I can be happy, yes. But not fully happy if I don’t have you. So, once you’re done avoinding me I want us to sit and talk. As friends and co-parents, not as wives… or ex wives, I don’t know. I want us to be friends, Arizona, so we can learn more about each other. And one day, if we decide to try again we won’t screw up. If we get together again we know that we won’t be the same… ever. But I think that’s a good thing because… I can’t believe I’m going to use this metaphor but I’m an ortho surgeon and I can’t think of a better one than a broken bone. Sometimes when we want it to heal properly we have to break it again. It grows even stronger. I think that everything we’ve been trough was our “bone” breaking and it didn’t heal properly… but right now that it was broken again we have the chance to do so and be stronger and if one day you realize that this is not what you want I’ll be okay with it, it will hurt but I’ll be okay. As long as we stay friends because I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. You’re my anchor too… but not as in the thing that keeps me from moving. You’re my anchor as in the thing that keeps me sane despite everything. I love you. And don’t you ever forget that. You’ll always be the mother of my daughter and I couldn’t have chosen a better person to raise my child with. I really hope you read this letter untill the end because I mean every word I wrote here. Right now isn’t the right time for us and we both know that. But I know we have bright things in order for us in the future. With love, Calliope.
Callie had had the longest day of her life. Her shift felt like it lasted forever and now finally, with her daughter safely at a sleepover, the brunette was in dire need of a drink.
What she hadn’t counted on though, was at 6pm, her blonde, supposed to be at work, ex-wife also being at the bar.
Unable to resist, Callie put her bag on the seat next to her, as though this wasn’t the same woman she’d broken up with less than two weeks before. Her ex wife. Her… ex wife.
Perfectly manicured eyebrow raised, Callie watched the blonde who barely responded to her presence
“Are you drunk?”
“God I hope so”
Callie watched as Arizona leaned over the counter, giggling and asking for another tequila which, Callie knew, was absolutely not her usual drink of choice.
“I haven’t seen you like this in.. a really long time.”
Arizona finally turned her body to the other woman, dressed in a deep red top and black, tight jeans, she looked the same as she always had. Like nothing had changed when in fact, instead of a plane falling from the sky, her world had crumbled at her feet.
“Well that’s because you don’t see me anymore. Well I mean you see me, obviously. You’re seeing me right now. But you don’t see me. Cos divorced. And the whole suffocating thing. Too much seeing me. So now, we’re nothing. Well I guess not nothing cos we’re ex wives and mums and work colleagues. Sorta. Even though we rarely have to work together which is kinda good cos of the whole suffocating shenanigans. So you don’t see me. You don’t see me naked or ugly crying in my shower or with no clothes on. Which actually I just realised is the same as naked. Who knew. Do you want a drink, calliope?”
Stunned by the ramblings which made both no sense and complete sense, Callie could only respond with a sigh and “no thank you, Arizona.”
“Ima buy you one anyway. Actually wait, first I have to text someone.”
Pulling out her phone and taking a ridiculous amount of time to send one message, Arizona grinned, wooing triumphantly when she pressed sent.
“Done! So. Yes. More drinks. Drinks for two! Two single drinking adults. Yay!”
Callie shook her head at Joe, grimacing at his pitying smile as he handed over Arizonas keys.
“Okay, let’s get you home before you do something crazy, huh?”
Somehow managing to shuffle her ex wife from the seat, ignoring the tingling inside when she pulled the familiar body close to support her, Callie focused only on getting the intoxicated woman home and in bed.
Before the blonde had even put her phone back down, mumbling about whatever it was she was doing, she was asleep. Callie couldn’t explain to even herself why she felt the need to tuck her in and she convinced herself the lingering kiss just on the corner of soft pink lips was merely a result of a habit.
Finally in her own home nearly an hour later and still with no alcoholic drink inside her, Callie checked her phone and for the first time since their separation, she laughed out loud.
Arizona 6:17pm: hey calliope I am super duper drunk and I think I lost my keys somewhere. Can you pick me up from the bar it’s called joes and its right by the hospital thanks
Arizona 7:02pm: never mind I’m home now so don’t you even worry a little bit
It clicked then, typing out a sarcastic response, letting Arizona know that she knew she was home because she had taken her there, that everything was wrong.
Or more specifically, she was wrong. Because she loved that blonde, adorable idiot more than life. And running away, hiding, it wasn’t going to solve anything expect making them both sad and perhaps turning the love of her life into an alcoholic.
And really, Callie didn’t need that on her conscience.
She used that exact reason the next when listing to the blonde the millions of reasons that they should, in fact, not only love themselves but also each other.
By the time she got to number 8, Arizona shut her up with a kiss.