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Area Man Suffers From Identity Crisis After Reading Buzzfeed Personality Quiz Results

By CNtributor Claire McCleskey

MANASSAS, VA–It was a typical Monday morning for Manassas-area man John Winston. He sat down at his desk with a cup of coffee and checked Buzzfeed before getting to work. It was there that he first saw the “Which Character From The Breakfast Club Are You?” personality quiz.

“I always knew I was a Bender. It was never a question for me. But I wanted to take the quiz, just to make it official,” he told reporters.

But the all-knowing Buzzfeed gods begged to differ. As Winston answered the final question of the quiz—stating that his favorite frozen yogurt topping was Fruity Pebbles—Buzzfeed delivered a shocking result. He was not a Bender after all—he was a Claire.

“But I’m a rebel,” he said to no one in particular, as if he was trying to convince himself. “I don’t even know what to think anymore. If I don’t even know what character from The Breakfast Club I am, what do I really know about myself at all?”

Since taking the quiz, Winston has made a few changes in his life. He has since quit his job, telling his boss that he “needs to find himself”. He has moved out of the home he shared with his wife of ten years, telling her that he is in no position to be married if he doesn’t know who he identifies with the most in The Breakfast Club. He now lives in a tiny one-bedroom apartment off of Wellington Road and works as a barista at Starbucks while trying to discover himself. 

[TRANS] Quote from Tales Runner live stream


B1A4: Let’s fly B1A4! Hello we’re B1A4!
MC: What’s this? This is cool… I should do something like this too.

Baro and Tales Runner

MC: Do you enjoy TR on your own time?
Baro: I have a connection with TR… I usually played this game! (MC: Really?) Yes! (MC: This isn’t in the script) Yes! (laughs) My younger sister really enjoyed this game. I watched on the side, and I made an ID and played with her. 

Happy Sandeul

SD: (whispers) This is fun…
MC: Our Sandeul-ssi, right now… (SD laughs loudly) Is really enjoying this by himself. Why are you so happy?
SD: (while laughing) This is so fun… this…
MC: Is he usually like this? His concept? (SD laughs even louder and starts clapping)
GC: He usually has big reactions like this. He’s a very fun hyung.

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Hipster One-upmanship

By CNTributor JM Cook

Hipster #1: Man, I remember seeing Arcade Fire back in 2006 at a church in Brooklyn. It was life-changing.

Hipster #2: For real? I remember seeing Animal Collective in a ‘04 at a high school gymnasium in Somerville, Mass. Way before they were big.

Hipster #1: Nice nice. I saw Beach House play at a haunted graveyard in South Carolina in 2008. It was so intense.

Hipster #2: Aw man, that sounds great. Were you there for Interpol in 2001? In that abandoned warehouse in Columbus, Ohio? There must have been 10 of us + the band, that’s it. So intimate.

Hipster #1: Ohhh yeah, I posted flyers for that show, but had to go see Neutral Milk Hotel play in Cleveland at a condemned mental institution that night.

Hipster #2: Wowww not bad. Did you ever hear about the Sleigh Bells show in 2009? The one atop the ashes of a recently burned down two-story ranch house in Tampa? They think it was arson. The band played for like eight hours. So effing rad.

Hipster #1: I did! I actually lit that fire and @ messaged the band on Twitter to say it’d be a “pretty dope place for a show.” Were you around for Lorde’s first show? Was in – shit, 1996 I think? – in Devonport, New Zealand. I was studying abroad there and happened into Navy Hospital and bam – improptu show with newborn Lorde. Just me, her folks and the doctors. Her voice was tighter back then.

Hipster #2: My memory is foggy, but I -think- I was studying to be a midwife there and delivered her. You know what, it was Lorde. She was better in the ultrasounds, lemme tell you.

An Open Letter to USA: Why You Should Renew Playing House

By Claire McCleskey

A show that feels as authentic as Playing House only comes around once in a blue moon.  It’s almost impossible to watch an episode without believing, perhaps even wishing, you live in the small town of Pinebrook and hang out with Emma Crawford and Maggie Caruso on a regular basis.

The show feels real, the characters are relatable. While I can’t quite say my best friend has ever been pregnant, left by her husband, and I’ve decided to leave my high-paying job in China to move back to help her raise her child, I still see myself in them. It probably has something to do with the fact that the fabulously talented Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair are best friends in real life. Their relationship feels so genuine and honest. Emma’s struggle to adjust to life in her small hometown is one that anyone who grew up in, and left, a small town can relate to. From my personal experience, it seems like everyone who grew up in the suburbs is either an Emma—who leaves and feels trapped when returning—or a Mark—who is perfectly happy staying where he is. Playing House’s portrayal of what it’s like to return to a small town is the most realistic one on television.

Those are just a few of the reasons why, creatively, this show is unique. But television—for better or for worse—is a business. So, USA, you may be wondering what your incentive is to renew Playing House. Well first of all, you’re currently trying to diversify your programming. In fact, that’s why you picked up Playing House in the first place. Your motto is “Characters Welcome.” This show is, at its core, about characters. So Playing House manages to fit into your current programming nicely while still diversifying it. But this cast is the best thing you have going for you. Lennon Parham, Jessica St. Clair, Zach Woods, and Keegan-Michael Key are all names that will draw in a new audience for you. They’re highly regarded in the world of comedy, so if you’re trying to draw in a new crowd of comedy fans with your “Comedies Welcome” campaign, they’re your golden ticket. I would tune in to watch the four of them read the phone book.

So, USA, I know nobody asked for my opinion. I know you know a lot more about how this works than I do, but if you were to ask my opinion, I’d tell you that you’d be crazy not to renew Playing House.

Make sure to check out Hannibal Buress’ new special Live From Chicago tonight. It’s a hilarious special where Hannibal talks about creating a personal parade for a bachelor party to Scarlett Johansson being a fan of his comedy. We’re big fans of Hannibal here at CNU, so not to be biased, but this special is pretty awesome. 

Live From Chicago airs on Comedy Central tonight at 12a/11c, and is available on CC: Stand Up Direct now. 

Unanswered Questions About JFK's Death
By CNTributor JM Cook

The 50th anniversary of the assassination of former president John F. Kennedy is tomorrow.

It was quite a sad day.

And, like the mystery of who shot Mr. Burns, there are many questions that linger to this very day. Here is a complete list.

  • Who shot him? Who did this? Cubans, the mob, a rogue U.S. marine with nothing to lose, a time-traveler who knew JFK’s rugged good looks would ruin us all, the Illuminati? Who? We’ll never really know.

  • Is he really dead? Or is this like that Andy Kaufman prank. Has anyone seen the two of them in the same room? Makes ya think.

  • Why would someone shoot the president? Seems effed up, in my opinion.

  • Why is the Magic Bullet being tossed under the bus here? The Magic Bullet is a great product. It blends, it crushes, it makes great margaritas. And yet Conspiracy Theorists insist upon accusing it as playing some part in killing JFK. This is not right.

  • What does the F in JFK stand for? Is this like an F. Scott Fitzgerald situation, when the F. stands for nothing? Is it like Dwight D. Eisenhower, when the D. stood for “Dominantor?”

  • Did anyone say “The president has been shot. j(F)k lol” when it happened? Cause that would have been very funny.

  • Who is Zapruder? He has a name that sounds like a super villain. Like he uses electricity in a very rude way. Also he has some sort of film? Seems in very bad taste to be making a movie while the president was shot.

  • Anyone else think Lyndon B. Johnson did it? Who else had the motivation to kill the president other than…the vice president? Messed up if true.

  • What does “down and to the left” mean? It sounds kind of like someone describing how to do a move in “Street Fighter,” which was JFK’s favorite video game….it’s starting to come together.

  • If JFK was a “Street Fighter” character, who would he be? I say Guile but could be sold on Ken.