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Area Man Suffers From Identity Crisis After Reading Buzzfeed Personality Quiz Results

By CNtributor Claire McCleskey

MANASSAS, VA–It was a typical Monday morning for Manassas-area man John Winston. He sat down at his desk with a cup of coffee and checked Buzzfeed before getting to work. It was there that he first saw the “Which Character From The Breakfast Club Are You?” personality quiz.

“I always knew I was a Bender. It was never a question for me. But I wanted to take the quiz, just to make it official,” he told reporters.

But the all-knowing Buzzfeed gods begged to differ. As Winston answered the final question of the quiz—stating that his favorite frozen yogurt topping was Fruity Pebbles—Buzzfeed delivered a shocking result. He was not a Bender after all—he was a Claire.

“But I’m a rebel,” he said to no one in particular, as if he was trying to convince himself. “I don’t even know what to think anymore. If I don’t even know what character from The Breakfast Club I am, what do I really know about myself at all?”

Since taking the quiz, Winston has made a few changes in his life. He has since quit his job, telling his boss that he “needs to find himself”. He has moved out of the home he shared with his wife of ten years, telling her that he is in no position to be married if he doesn’t know who he identifies with the most in The Breakfast Club. He now lives in a tiny one-bedroom apartment off of Wellington Road and works as a barista at Starbucks while trying to discover himself. 

Internet runs out of Manti Te'o girlfriend jokes

By CNtributor Dash Nye

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It was a sad day for Notre Dame football when on Jan. 17 at approximately 12PM PST, the internet simply ran out of Manti Te'o girlfriend material.

The joke deficit could not come at a worse time for the widely publicized girlfriend hoax in which Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te'o, is facing scrutiny over his internet relationship with a woman who supposedly died during the season.

“It’s a damn shame,” said Twitter user @69ALLStARr69. “The Catfish references alone gave us a really deep pool for wisecracks, but even those have run dry. #Disappointing”

Other social media humorists are more optimistic. Redditor, Trojandoody, intends to recycle old premises to keep the hoax’s laughability alive.

“It’s not over ‘til it’s over,” said Trojandoody. “What about the fantasy football angle? Get it? Fantasy? I've barely seen any of those with more than 200 up votes.”

The efforts of Trojandoody disappeared into the recent online flurry that saw everything from Narnia similes to fake dating profiles.

“I got it! We can say the two were matched up by Santa Claus!” shouted one desperate anon whose nose started bleeding before he immediately fell unconscious.

The unfortunate joke shortage is a black mark on Manti Te'o’s otherwise illustrious collegiate career. All the internet has now is niche-specific parody accounts to take up the challenge.

“Manti Te'o’s girlfriend DID die,” tweeted @Lord_Voldemort7. “But dude didn’t count on that Samoan horcrux coming back to bite him in the ass.”