A lot of people get scared when they see a person with a lot of tattoos. They automatically assume that the person is either an ex-con or a future-con or even worse: a con-con. But I am here to assure you that not all tattoos are horrible, and I will provide you with a guide to what each tattoo truly means.
Teardrop tattoo on the face: The person has a taken a human life or the person is trying to cover an unsightly mole on his/her face.
Clock with no hands on the wrist: Represents how time is meaningless in jail but tattoos aren’t.
Snake on the forearm: This person has an irrational fear of snakes and is in the middle of a process known as “systematic desensitization” in the hopes that their fear of snakes will recede.
Skull & Crossbones: A tattoo commonly utilized in the medical community to represent that this person is an orthopedic surgeon.
Five-pointed Crown: This tattoo is often used by gang leaders to show fellow gang members that they own at least 2 Burger King Franchises.
Latin Kings written across the upper back: This person has an extensive knowledge of Spanish Monarchies from the years 1765-1899.
Poetry written anywhere on the body: This person simply is a fan of poetry. Take some time to read the poem and ascribe your own meaning to it. That is how art works.
Third Eye in the middle of the forehead: A behavioral tool used by parents to teach their kids that if they stay up too late at night or don’t clean their rooms, they will be forced by their parents to get a tattoo of an eye on their forehead.
Three panels of Tin-Tin across the right bicep: Used to show fellow inmates that “Once a Tin-Tin fan. Always a Tin-Tin fan.” In some areas of the country it also represents that the person was once a narcotics dealer.
Heather tattooed across the chest: Represents that the person with the tattoo has been dumped or is about to be dumped by Heather.
Birthmark: This tattoo is most likely a birthmark.
Mythical Green Dragon with large yellow whiskers tattooed on penis: If you see this tattoo you have gone too far with this particular person and you are about to make a huge mistake.
For more silly stuff and tips on starting a organic pie shop you can follow me on twitter:@jshmoobie
Let’s face it, just about every three seconds somebody is asking you about your college major, and in the very next 2 seconds that same person is giving you a face of worry that the major you have chosen will get you nowhere in life. But take those faces no more! Here is a compiled list of the 5 Best and Safest Majors to choose in college to ensure you never get a weird look ever again.
Being attractive and charming
This major is for students interested in learning to use their natural good looks and charisma to woo any person who crosses their path in life. Note: Students with this major generally only find success until about the age of 37.
Courses will include:
Introduction to Winking
Everyone always wants me around…Now what?
Inherit a major corporation from your parents
This major is geared more towards students interested in finding out what to do with their parent’s inheritance when they graduate from college.
Courses will include:
What to do when your sister wants half of your inheritance?
Advanced course in avoiding taxes
Spanish: Finding a good cheap maid.
Anything in the field of math or science.
This major works best for students who are extremely talented in math or science and will have no problem finding a job in the modern technological age.
Courses will include:
Being a hard worker with a drive to succeed at any cost
This major is meant for students who can wake up every morning at 8AM and do not mind turning their Internet off to study.
Courses will include:
I finished my projects and papers way ahead of time: Finding extra credit assignments.
Introduction to taking a hard class simply because it is challenging.
Advanced Lecture Couse: Dealing with parents always being proud of you.
For students who are interested in pottery because face it: How many people do you know that do pottery? 0. But how many pots do you see everyday? A lot. There must be a job opening somewhere.
Courses will include:
Pottery and the Mind: Using your pottery to get you laid.
-Hello, I am just calling to ask if your refrigerator is running?
-Umm I believe it is…
-Well then you better go…
-Wait…wait…oh my god, my son, my son! I had forgotten my newborn son in my fridge when I went to grab him some milk from there. Surely he would have died in there if it had not been for your call! I cannot believe I am such an idiot! Thank you so much you anonymous hero! I will never forget what you have done for me here. You have saved the life of my only son. My one and only son.
-Fuck. (Hangs up)
For more silly things/a way to make me love you, you can follow me on Twitter: @jshmoobie
We’ve all been in relationships that were going perfectly, only to be ruined by our stupid thoughts. This short film shows just how stupid those thoughts can be. Fucking brains. They’re good for nothing.
I haven’t been at it that long, but I like to think I have gotten better at being a comedian than when I started. There is video evidence of this - as my first ever performance is online. It is painful to watch.
As comedians starting out, our one goal should be to get better. Getting stage time and making people laugh is good, but our number one goal should be just get not terrible at this.
I’ve found a few ways to do this.
Perform as much as possible
The most obvious. The only way to get better at something is to do it more. If you have to drive 45 minutes to get five minutes at an open mic, do it. If you have to crash a music open mic (checking that they’ll let you perform, of course), do it. Cafes, bars, college shows, whatever. Stage time is precious when you’re new, so find it wherever you can.
Use Twitter, idiot
I know a number of comedians in my area who either do not use Twitter or do not use it nearly enough/correctly. You can not only follow and read brilliance of every comedian ever (seriously, they are required by comedy law to use it), but you can write jokes everyday that people will read, even if it’s only your five buddies and a bunch of spam bots. If you keep tweeting, you’ll eventually get people to read it. And even if no one reads it, you get practice writing jokes and being able to get a feel for what topics people are talking about and use that in your stand-up.
I know some comics have a “lone wolf” mentality - they play a zero-sum game where every other comic is competition and an enemy - but this is just flat-out wrong. You may not have an Upright Citizens Brigade or Second City in your area, but you know that open mic you hit up every week? Talk to the people there. Get to know them. Hang out with them. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a few who have similar views as you and maybe start bouncing ideas off each other or writing sketches or filming videos. Surrounding yourself with funny people is an easy way to get funnier. Also, you get to be social! You anti-social weirdo.
Carry notebooks/pens everywhere
Maybe my brain is weird, but I have a feeling all comedians get inspiration at random and strange times. The number of jokes I’ve had in my mind right when i wake up - only to lose them moments later - is disheartening. Pens and paper are with me everywhere now and I even have a contact in my phone called “Joke Notes” I text drafts to just in case I can’t write (like at work). They aren’t all going to be gold, but it’s better to have a huge pool of ideas to choose from when working on material.
Film your sets
In 2011 - with iPhones and cheap-as-dirt video cameras - there is no reason not to film your sets. First of all, you can put them on Youtube where people may actually watch them. Secondly, I’ve found that comedians are often overly critical of themselves - especially right after getting off stage. There are nights where I was sure I was awful, only the tape proved I was just mediocre. I’ve told other comics “you were great” only to have them respond “eh, I don’t know.” You can study things like delivery and inflection if you watch yourself perform, which is invaluable in improving.
Jason Cook is a comedian/writer based in Western Mass. He is on Twitter @TheRealJ_Cook and tumblr at jasonmcook.tumblr.com.
Hello, my name is Mark Malcovich and I am writing this testimonial as a warning to anyone who is interested in experimenting with the drug “Life”. Now let me just say, I never intended on getting hooked on the stuff. It was just something fun to do with my buddies in college; it was supposed to help me unwind after class. It was simple at first you know, playing Frisbee on the lawn or just taking a bike ride around campus. That was all we needed to get a good buzz going. It started with just us doing it once every few weeks, but then it turned into every few days, then just about everyday of the week. (I developed a serious case of arthritis from playing Frisbee so much and now have to masturbate with the help of a machine.) But eventually, even that wasn’t good enough anymore. “This is boring” we would all say in unison while riding our tandem bike. That is when we started getting into the hard stuff.