close to the machine

The Great Flamingo Uprising

(Edited after additional information was obtained from zookeeping cousin)

I told this story to a few guildies a while back and decided to archive it in a longer format; so here is the story of The Great Flamingo Uprising of 2010 as told to me by my favorite cousin who was a keeper at the time.

In addition to the aviary/jungle exhibit, our zoo has several species of birds that pretty much have the run of the place.  They started with a small flock of flamingos and some free-range peacocks that I’m almost certain came from my old piano teacher’s farm.  She preferred them to chickens.  At some point in time they also acquired a pair of white swans (“hellbirds”) and some ornamental asian duckies to decorate the pond next to the picnic area.  Pigeons, crows, assorted ducks and a large number of opportunistic Canada geese moved in on their own. 

Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property (I don’t remember how many there are but the one by the picnic area is the only one with swans) were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long.  Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets.  I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate. 

Like this.^  And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food.  The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway.  They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change.  Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird as big as you are fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face.  It’s deeply traumatizing to you and incredibly hilarious to your parents.

Anyway.

The flamingos had their spot near the zoo entrance and never seemed to mind the presence of the other birds, as they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t really like the taste of fish pellets.  The problem lay in that their shrimp pond was close to a vending machine.  Ordinarily that wouldn’t have been an issue at all, but eventually the goose population grew large enough that one of the gangs decided to annex it.  Being territorial little shits, they would harass the poor flamingos any time they strayed within ten feet of it.  The flamingos tolerated this for years until one day they snapped collectively.  Here’s a summary of the incident in chronological order.

1.) It was a hot day, so everyone in question both human and avian, were cranky by the time the zoo even opened.
2.) A few flamingos (let’s call them The Jets) strayed into the radius of the vending machine and were immediately confronted by the indignant hissing geese (The Sharks)
3.) Possibly due to heat and the simple fact that the geese had been giant douchebags for far too long, the flamingos decided fuck it, this time they were going to FIGHT BACK DAMMIT, and swarmed the geese en masse.
4.) Chaos ensued.  The geese were outnumbered 4 to 1 but had the advantage of being able to scream for back-up. 
5.) Hearing the shrieking Canada geese and the bellowing of the enraged flamingos, the peacocks came to the conclusion that the apocalypse had come upon them and began to gather in the surrounding trees in droves and wail in despair.  Or cheer them on, whichever.
6.) NOISE
7.) Apparently one of the siege tactics employed by geese is to shit explosively all over everything.
8.) The geese, having secured reinforcements from all over the zoo, went berserk and proceeded to attack EVERYBODY who had come to watch be they human or otherwise.
9.) The flamingos were chasing/being chased by the geese through the crowd accompanied by cheers/wails from the peacocks in the box seats.
10.) Complete pandemonium when the zoo tram became stalled by the flamingo pond due to battling birds.  The Jets, sensing these were somehow reinforcements on the side of the Sharks, charged the tram.  Adults were doing the duck and cover.  Small children were screaming, adding to the noise.  People were slipping on goose shit and hitting the ground in the fetal position, only to be stampeded by the rampaging flamingos.
11.) The koi continued to bloop hopefully for food.
12.) Two of the geese were cornered by a rival gang of their own and were chased into the swan pond.  Cue slow-motion.
13.) The swans detected an enemy presence in their territory and by god, SOMEBODY was going to PAY. 
14.) The staff were having no luck in breaking up the fight and on the verge of giving up and just building another zoo elsewhere when the hellbirds stormed the battlefield, trumpeting battle-cries, to dispense feathered justice.  The staff promptly dropped their brooms and fled.
15.) Birds scattered in all directions.  Up, down, sideways.  Some people not present in the park circle swear a couple of geese flat out teleported into the petting zoo. A few ducks vanished in the chaos, presumably eaten by the swans.
16.) Two of the zookeepers barricaded themselves in the snack bar and refused to come out. 
17.) The uprising was squashed in less than two minutes.  Number of casualties was unknown, feathers were flying everywhere and there was enough goose shit to build another bird.  One staff member had been knocked to the ground and was left with a melon sized bruise courtesy of one of the hellbirds.  Several children were traumatized, probably for life.  The zoo eventually removed the vending machine by the flamingos. 

The geese went back to being giant douchebags. Because geese*.

Addendum:  Somehow, my aunt D got hold of this story and posted a link along with the comment: “This sounds exactly like our zoo!” 
Zookeeping cousin replied: “This was exactly our zoo.”

*I’m really not kidding.  This is a photo, taken at our zoo, of a gorilla being chased by one of the thug geese.

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With the premier of Tangled the Series closing in fast on March 10th all the power of the Disney Marketing Machine is set to help get the word out!  I thought it would be fun to share the final poster I designed as well as some of my early concepts that got us there.  Mad love to Alan Bodner, Chris Tsirgiotis, Laura Price, and Holly Almaguer for their skills with the color, clean up and background design!

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[[PLEASE DO NOT DUB]]

I saw someone call bendy a demonic croissant and I couldn’t let it go, that’s such a great name. here’s a silly comic.

Please don’t tag as kin/me - Please DO NOT repost to other websites - Please don’t remove caption ✮

adrien’s sad, devastated look when he’s denied snacks reblog if you agree

Wrangling a feral cat

The following phrases may be overheard whilst trying to capture a feral cat which has escaped and is now at large within a vet clinic.

  • Run!
  • Don’t move!
  • Shut those doors!
  • Where’d it go?
  • Are the windows closed?
  • It’s behind the washing machine.
  • Can anyone move the washing machine?
  • There’s urine everywhere.
  • Well, it’s definitely a tom.
  • Look out!
  • He’s on the move!
  • Protect your face!

And my personal favourite…

  • How in hell is he gripping onto the ceiling?!

OKAY SO REASONS WHY EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE KEN:

  • Feels comfortable mouthing off to a heavily-armed employer in his very first scene
  • Seems to have better cardio than Bart
  • Seems to have better music taste than Bart
  • Asks a strange biker to call him a cab
  • Drives a motorbike literally one episode later
  • Seems to have a shady criminal past
  • “I knew I’d die in some weird way eventually”
  • Attempts to fight Farah despite having no combat experience at all
  • Hits Bart up for money for lunch
  • Can see Bart in her underwear and doesn’t make it weird
  • Sits protectively outside Bart’s shower and doesn’t make it weird
  • Will sing Backstreeet Boys on command
  • Figures out that “the universe is broken” because, for the first time, Bart misread what the universe was telling her regarding Dirk Gently
  • He and Bart are wearing matching colours in the last episode
  • Shrugs at Todd in quiet Normal Dude™ understanding
  • Played by actual cinnamon roll Mpho Koaho
  • He and Bart stole a corgi from the body-swapping cultists
  • Fixes the time machine/soul swapper/unlimited energy device that closes the time loop once and for all
  • It takes him literally less than a week to go from she’s going to kill me and I’m petrified to she’s going to kill everyone else and I’m fully supportive of her life choices
#coffee #shop #fluff

Prompts: @imakeaesthetics
Authors: @queenofthyme

Sorry, I’m late,” Harry said as he hurriedly tied on his apron. “I swear it was the tube this - What? What’s wrong?”

Harry took in his boss’s expression and realised he wasn’t in trouble for being late. If anything, it was his boss that looked apologetic.

“I need you to train our new barista,” Tonks said, a weak smile not quite reaching her eyes.

“Of course,” Harry answered automatically. He had trained new staff before. It wasn’t too hard as long as the cafe wasn’t overrun with customers. And it was only a Tuesday. “Are they here yet?”

Tonks jerked an arm behind her and stepped to the side so Harry could see. Leaning on the counter by the cafe’s coffee machine was a tall, blonde-haired man with pointy features and long limbs. He was wearing the standard cafe apron over a three piece suit and a crisp white shirt secured with silver cufflinks. Despite the cups piling up next to the machine left by the register staff, he didn’t appear interested in fulfilling any orders.

“He’s…a little difficult,” Tonks explained, “But he’s my cousin and I promised his mother I’d get him a job. I’ve been trying to teach him but he’s testing my patience. Can you please take him off my hands so I can do some accounting? Please?”

Harry looked the man up and down. The phrase ‘fish out of water’ came to mind…“He doesn’t look like he needs a job.”

“He didn’t. Until last week. His parents were just jailed for fraud and embezzlement. They lost everything.”

Harry supposed he should feel sorry for the man, losing his parents, losing his money all in one go. But when the man stood there, with a snotty, disinterested expression, dressed in the most inappropriate clothes, that a month of Harry’s shifts still wouldn’t cover, it was hard to feel anything but resentment.

He sighed and nodded at Tonks. “I’l teach him,” he agreed.

Tonks actually jumped with relief - making Harry immediately regret his decision - and clapped Harry on the shoulder appreciatively before wasting no time in rushing back into the office in the cafe kitchens.

Harry took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders back. He could handle a snotty rich kid. He headed over quickly, conscious of the mounting coffee orders.  

“Hey, I’m Harry,” he said on approach, holding out a hand. The man stared at it, his expression unchanging. “This is the part where you tell me your name and we shake hands,” Harry prompted.

The man’s lip curled. “Malfoy. Draco Malfoy,” he said, still making no move to shake.

Harry lowered his hand, already understanding why Tonks had taken the opportunity to run away when she did. “So, what do you know about coffee?” He asked.

That got a reaction. The man - Draco - pushed off the counter and stood up straight, staring down at Harry pointedly. “I’m not a moron. I know how to make coffee.”

Harry blinked back up at Draco for a moment. He hadn’t noticed from afar how impossibly grey the man’s eyes were.

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Too tired

Originally posted by shawnthecutest

Summary: Shawn stays up late to finish one of his songs and a very sleepy y/n comes to check on him.

Fluff (may give you some feels)

A/N: It’s just something short and i hope cute enough to give you some feels bc I’ve been really into Shawn lately and wanted to write something but I had this huge writer’s block so yeah, hope you like it :)

masterlist | request


   Shawn was sitting on the couch in the living room of his flat in Toronto, which he now shared with y/n, his girlfriend. It was almost 2am, he had his favourite guitar on his lap, scattered papers covering the floor and the couch. You see, Shawn had this amazing idea for a song and he’s been sitting like that for the past 4 hours, coming up with new lyrics to accompany the melody. 

    He has finished writing another line and was about to try it out with some tunes, but let out a long yawn. He shook his head slightly and run a hand over his face before getting up and walking to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, to keep him awake for some more time. 

    He switched on small lights that were placed underneath the cupboards, so that he can comfortably maneuver around the kitchen, without stubbing his little toe. He took out one of his favourite mugs, that you got him for your first anniversary, and quietly placed it on the hard counter. Then he took the right capsule and popped it into the coffee machine. As he waited for the drink to be made, he lifted up his arms above his head and stretched. He slightly bended to the sides and then moved around his shoulder blades until he heard a not so pleasent sound, but that little pop from his spine made him feel much, much better. Sitting for hours hunched over his guitar and notes weren’t doing his spine any favours. 

       The noises coming out of the machine made him close his eyes and take a deep breath, hold it in and then exhale. Then a strong smell of coffee filled up the room, immediately making Shawn feel more awake.

      While taking the first sip, which just burned his upper lip, he heard footsteps and a soft voice calling his name, “Shawn?”

      “In the kitchen, love.”

       A few seconds later y/n came into the room, dressed in one of his t-shirts and some underwear hidden underneath it, as it reached her mid-thigh. 

      “It’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep?“

      “I’m just finishing a song, I’ll be done so-”

      “Shawn, it’s 2am. Baby, you’re overworking yourself again.” She run her hand up and down his back, his free arm wrapping around her shoulders, pressing her smaller form into his body. 

         Shawn pressed a gentle kiss at the top of her head, “Go back to bed, I’ll come to you soon.”

         Y/n opened her mouth to say something, but a yawn escpaed her mouth instead so she shook her head. “Nah, you’re coming with me. I can see you’re tired, Shawn. Please, take a break and get some rest.”

         Now it was Shawn’s turn to shake his head, taking three sips of his coffee. His hand was now resting on her hip and she wrapped her arms around his waist, sleepily resting her head against his broad chest. 

      “I can’t, it’s almost finished, I promise. Just one more hour and I’ll go to bed.”

       Shawn heard a sigh leave y/n’s lips and then she stood on her tippy toes to press a little kiss just underneath his jawline. 

      “I’m too tired to argue so I’m gonna go back to bed. Come cuddle whenever you’re done, rockstar.” Shawn couldn’t help but smile and placed one more kiss on her lips, she hummed in agreement against his mouth, and then left the kitchen with Shawn following closely. He stopped in front of the living room when he saw y/n open the door to their laundry room.

      “Love, that’s not our bedroom.” He bit his bottom lip, trying to stifle a laugh, watching y/n stop in her tracks, pure confusion written over her face. 

      She mumbled a “what?” and quickly switched on the light in the room to, in fact, be faced with a washing machine and a dryer.

      “Dammit,” she said before switching off the light in the laundry room, closing the door and going now in the right direction.

      “Goodnight, baby. I love you,” Shawn called after her, a smile on his face, a warm feeling spreading in his chest. 

Cherry Bomb (Taeyong x Reader)

Rating: M

(A/N) OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN!!!! I GAVE YOU A SMUT, I WROTE ANOTHER ONE…OH BABY, BABY! Anyway, here’s some yummy retro Taeyong smutty goodness. A little short and sweet, but definitely gets its point across if you know what mean :^)))))))))) Enjoy!

Originally posted by jonqins

It felt weird walking into an arcade, having not visited one since when you were younger. The welcoming sounds of heavily synthesized music, trigger clicks, and the smacking of big plastic buttons brought back a wave of nostalgia and made you smile as you peered over the shoulders of people playing. There were no kids in sight though, just people around your age who laughed and joked, drank, reminiscing in their childhood. You’d been coerced into going to a twenty one and older event at the local vintage arcade that had just opened down the street from your apartment. People were going bananas of the shiny restored arcade machines, vintage interior, and nostalgic music.

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100 Banging Kinks: Fuck Machine

Originally posted by complete-fandom-trashhh

Pairing: Bucky / Reader

Word Count: 651

Warning: Smut (bad horribly written smut but smut the nevertheless), language, and just toys?

This is my first time writing smut so bare with me. But with the celebration of Bucky Barnes 100th birthday, I am participating in @bucky-plums-barnes 100 banging kinks! I hope you enjoy.


You moaned lowly as Bucky took his fingers from your wet folds and brought them to his mouth, sucking them clean. “Fuck baby, you taste so good,” he cursed and you whined, arching your back in pleasure.

Bucky was sitting against the headboard, you between his legs with your back flush against his chest. He gripped your thighs and spread your legs wider, draping them over his before bending his knees so you were really on full display.

“Bucky~” You whimpered and felt his chest vibrate as he chuckled close to your ear.

“Eager are we kitten?” He asked and you tilted your head back against his chest as a blush formed on your cheeks. But your eyes never left the contraption in front of you.

A few days ago, you and Bucky made the horrible decision to get drunk and one thing led to another and that night, one of your kinks were revealed. Since then, Bucky had made it his mission to fulfill that kink.

“I want you to watch yourself,” he murmured in your ear and your eyes drifted up to where he had moved your mirror so it showed you and him everything that was about to happen. His icy blue eyes bored into yours through the mirror and it was in that moment you saw the remote in his hands.

His thumb clicked the button on the remote and your back arched again as you gasped. The fuck machine came to life under Bucky’s control and did exactly what it was supposed to.

Bucky’s arm wrapped around your stomach to keep you still as his other hand came to your breast, groping and massaging the mound as the dildo thrusted in and out of you in the first speed.

“Bucky!” You groaned and instinctively rolled your hips to meet each thrust, your eyes closing as it continued to slid deep within you. Bucky then clicked the remote again and the machine sped up its movements causing you to cry out snapping your eyes open to look at Bucky through the mirror.

“I said to watch yourself,” he growled lowly and you felt his erection against your back.

The view he had of you was intoxicating. His eyes couldn’t keep away from the dildo that pushed between you wet folds over and over again causing you to cry out and squirm in his grasp. A thin layer of sweat was stuck on your body and your legs kept tightening against his in attempts to close while your hips simultaneously moved meeting the fuck machine so it would slid in deeper.

“Bucky,” you groaned and his eyes looked towards the mirror where you were already looking at him. “Bucky, I’m close-” you whimpered and moaned your hands finding their way to his hair, pulling it as you closed your eyes again, the familiar heat forming within you.

Bucky smirked and slid his hand down to your clit, rubbing the bundle of nerves in figure eights as his other hand clicked the remote one more time making the machine go the fastest it could go. You cried out in ecstasy and your hand gripped his wrist to ground yourself as you felt your legs begin to shake.

You then felt his other hand wrap its way around your throat, squeezing just right as his breath fanned over your neck. “Cum,” he demanded and it was all you needed as the tension that built in your body snapped and your body shook as you felt what was maybe your strongest orgasm wash over you.

When you finally came down from your blissful state you realized the machine had came to a slow stop and Bucky was stroking your hair as he kissed your shoulder gently. “We are definitely doing that again.” He murmured and you nodded your head lazily, your legs still slightly shaking in post-orgasmic shock.

“Fuck yes.”