Moms. They think they know everything—and that’s probably because it’s true. It’s, like, so annoying, but their know-it-all-ness has also saved us from spending a lifetime figuring out these beauty secrets ourselves. So, we’re giving credit where credit is due with a celebration of classic momisms. BECKY PEDERSON
Wash your face before bed. Ole Henriksen The Clean Truth Cleansing Cloths
Mom wasn’t just trying to protect her pillowcases. Skin cells naturally repair themselves at night, but your body can’t work its sleepy-time magic when your face is still covered in the day’s gunk. Using this one-step face cloth to sweep off dirt, oil, and makeup makes washing quick and easy.
Stop putting toothpaste on your zits. Kate Somerville EradiKate Acne Treatment
Toothpaste is only good to cake on your blemishes if you want to give yourself a terrible, spotted rash. Mom knows: Use a product with innovative ingredients designed to treat acne now and over time. This formula’s high levels of sulfur and camphor target breakouts, while the zinc oxide absorbs excess oil.
Do something with those idle hands. SEPHORA COLLECTION All Hands in Deluxe Mani Kit
Somehow, moms everywhere predicted a future where we’d all spend our days staring at smartphones grafted to our palms. Why else would they stress the importance of maintaining pristine digits? This seven-piece tool kit has everything you need for a flawless manicure, including a cuticle nipper and angled nail clipper.
A strong brow gives you a strong look. Anastasia Beverly Hills Beauty Express for Brows and Eyes
Growing up, we thought this advice was just Mom projecting, but then we accidentally plucked a bald spot in the middle of one brow and understood just how much a brow can tie a look together. This on-the-go kit includes brow powder, wax, an angled brush, and shaping stencils.
If you keep making that face, it will stick that way. Algenist Advanced Anti-Aging Repairing Oil
Don’t roll your eyes at this—if Mom is right, they’ll get lodged in the back of your head. If the expressive facial gestures you used to negotiate your curfew have left you with permanent lines, this microalgae-formulated oil is key. It performs like a serum and delivers essential moisture to worrisome wrinkles.
Don’t ruin your skin like I ruined mine! Shiseido Ultimate Sun Protection Lotion+ Broad Spectrum SPF 50+ For Face/Body
When it comes to guilt, moms like to lay it on thick. She’ll never be able to take back those years she spent sunbathing while covered in baby oil, but she can nag you into never making her mistake. Lather yourself in this UVA/UVB-blocking sunscreen loaded with rose apple leaf extract for an excellent antioxidant effect. Pro mom tip: your hands are the first place to show your age, so coat them before you go out.
Smile with your teeth. GLO Brilliant Personal Teeth Whitening Device
Mom didn’t pay for all that orthodontia for nothing. This at-home teeth whitening system uses patented Guided Light Optics Technology to rival results you’d get at the dentist. You’re so pretty when you smile, honey!
Sentence Starters based on Ron Swanson quotes, Part 2
“Son, there’s no wrong way to consume alcohol.”
“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”
“Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.”
“This might be the first time I’ve ever wanted to attend an event.”
“I’m going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.”
“Everyone shut up and look at me!”
“What the fuck is a German muffin?!?”
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.”
“I’m not interested in caring about people.”
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
“I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.”
“You are an unstoppable good idea machine!”
“Here. I didn’t know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff.”
“Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.”
“Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.”
“Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing.”
“What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, and can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?”
“Sell the zoo animals.”
“We’re already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl’s lap!”
“You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was; Give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have.”
“It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
“I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.”
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
“Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.”
“My first wife *insert name here* tried throwing me a surprise birthday party. When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops and told them people had broken into my home. I’m not big on surprises.”