clientsfromhell

*laughs because my brain is breaking*

I don’t often let my brain melt into a pile of goo because of editor’s comments about ads…but when I do-

" Tom says he wants to change the guy on the ad. Basically put some clothes on him. He wants it to look like more of an elegant affair, so a hot guy in a suit or more sophisticated is the route he wants to go. “

Keep in mind nothing was said about this earlier and they provided the ‘hot guy’ to use in the ad. Just put some clothes. On this stock picture of a half naked guy. yeah. Sure. ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY PUT CLOTHES VIA PHOTOSHOP MAGIC = __ = #MYLIFEISCLIENTSFROMHELL

Just over a year ago, we had a corporate client who wanted their recruiting video to be “youth friendly” by adding a “montage with dubstep music”. 

We tried to talk them out of it. The rest of the video was really pretty, and had a good flow. They didn’t care, they just wanted their MDMA, Knife Parties and music montages. 

I cut a montage. They wanted it to be crazier. I re-tooled the cut a little bit, they still wanted more. I couldn’t fathom what they were actually looking for, so I took the third revision in another direction: I made it as balls-out stupid as I could, hoping they would tell me how far to tone it back. 

The plan backfired, and they loved it. This goes in the shame folder. 

The Forbidden Fruit.

CLIENT: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?

ME: I use a MAC.

CLIENT: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.

ME: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.

CLIENT: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.

[Silence]

“Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins.”

Me: [Block Contact]

youtube

I just posted a new video about why I hate design contests and no longer enter them. I’m hoping it’s not too controversial of a subject, but I’d love to hear your opinions, especially if you disagree!

Clients from Hell

"Can you please make the banner image more clear and less sharp?"

"I dont want dark grey. I am looking for more of a light black."

"The outlines are too thick, I want them to be half-a-pixel thinner."

"Almost. I want less of a rectangle, and more of a long square."

"Would please print this video for me?"

"Hold on, you’re losing me. Is Dreamweaver a book or something?"

"Did I hire you to be bound by what’s possible?"

"Staring at computer screens gives me nosebleeds. Please fax the website to me."

"We like what you did. We just don’t like what you didn’t do."

Remind you of anyone? Thank you clientsfromhell.net for those.

Addicted to clientsfromhell.net
  • Me:“How can I help you today, ma’am?”
  • Client:“Is e-mail internet”?
  • Me:“I beg your pardon?”
  • Client:“Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?”
  • Me:“Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”
  • Client:“Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”
  • Me:“Well, let’s see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?”
  • Client:“Open what?”
  • Me:“Your browser, can you open up your browser?”
  • Client:“My…my…?”
  • Me:“What you click on when you want to browse the internet?”
  • Client:“I don’t use anything, I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”
  • Me:“Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”
  • Client:“You mean I have to start writing letters again?”
  • Me:“I’m…what, I’m sorry?”
  • Client:“I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”
  • Me:“No, ma’am, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”
  • Client:“Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”
  • Me:“We…okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”
  • Client:“My what?”
  • Me:“The little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now - it’s most likely near your computer?”
  • Client:“Lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.
  • Me:“My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”
  • Client:“It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”
  • Me:“An error message?”
  • Client:“No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”
  • Me:“…Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”
  • Client:“Yes.”
  • Me:“Move it for me.”
  • Client:“Move it?”
  • Me:“Yes. Move it.”
  • Client:“My e-mail!”

Deign peeve of the day. 
Client asking “can you send me the flyer in a format that I can make changes?”

To which I have many responses…

1- NO. What do you think you’re paying me for?

2- Sure, do you have Adobe Illustrator or Corel Draw? No? Too bad then.

3- Please just tell me what needs to be changed and I’ll send you an updated version right away!

4- Oh you wanted it as a Microsoft Word document? Because I definitely do all of my design work and vector graphics in a word processing program. I’ll get right on that.

I’M DYING HERE. 

Tagged by c-boo

1) Why did I pick my URL?
This blog is something for me to do. idly going onto tumblr and blogging what makes me laugh etc.. its the IDLE YEARS of my youth. 

2) What’s my middle name?
 Jane

3) If you could own one fictional pet what would it be?
… Toothless

4) Favorite Colour?
Baby blue, or duck egg blue…

5) Favorite Song? At the moment.. Elastic Heart by Sia.. but it’ll change.

6) Favorite Fandoms?
SUPERNATURAL… or maybe the RU PAUL DRAG RACE FANDOM.!!! 

7) Why do you enjoy Tumblr?
 To keep up it c-boo's life.. and because i know i can always find something on here that makes me laugh at least once a day… and occasionally sprout my feelings.. ew..feelings.. 

8) Tag 9 Crushes/ faves/ awesome ass bloggers.
 ruinedchildhood killedbythecoolkids touchtheteapot clairea92 jennamarbles new doxologychristinawebberphoto chuck historyclientsfromhell 

Tumblr Crushes:

Interesting mix this week. What’s cool is that I can pretty much remember that each one of these folks had at least one post that really said something to me. Or touched me. A good touch. 

From clientsfromhell.net

After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back. 

CLIENT: Why are you calling me? 

ME: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent. 

CLIENT: It’s even more than the last one!

ME: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment. 

CLIENT: You mean I have to actually pay you? I thought you were joking!

ME: What on earth made you think that? 

CLIENT: You’re a freelancer!

ME: And…

CLIENT: Well, you work for free! If you were supposed to be paid, you’d be called a paidlancer or something!