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Nothing I'm Running From

[Okay, so, I want to tell y'all a little story first, before I get into the text.  And you don’t have to read this part, you can just click read more and stuff, but it’s important.

I started writing Niall’s plus piece back in August and that’s around the time I started to slip into a bit of a funk.  I’d gone to see 1D on tour and it was… it was amazing and it was also not so amazing.  Amazing because I got to meet a good friend and I got to breathe the same air as the boys who helped me so so much last November, who showed me what it was like to feel happy again and made me want to be strong for myself once more, who lit up a path I’d boarded up too quickly.  Amazing because it inspired me to take my very first trip out of state on my own despite my terrible anxiety, which leaves me prone to things like acute paranoia and panic attacks.  Not so amazing because even though my seats were good I could barely see them and I was a little miffed about not being able to see them the whole time on the jumbotrons, because I had the worst post concert depression I’d ever had and got stuck in ten hours of traffic on the way home, on what should have been a five hour drive tops.

But it was around this time, after the concert, that I started to feel… just very terrible about myself, about my personality and appearance alike, and it was really hard to love me.  It was even harder to imagine that Niall could love me, or someone like me.  And every time I opened up the word document after those first two thousand words, every time I tried to add even a little more, I’d break down.  I’d cry and I’d tell myself awful things until I closed it up.  It was so easy to write for everyone else, so easy to say yes these boys can love all of you - but you, not me, and Niall for certain couldn’t love me.  I guess it was easier to distance myself from the ones that weren’t my favorite, my absolute dream.  

I had to start taking my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication again before I could get it together, and I wrote Harry’s piece, and still it was hard.  I had to do a little relearning to love myself.  Sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes it’s easy.  

But what helped me this time, was not One Direction.  It was you guys, all of you, every little username that pops up in my notifications, every little anon that messages me even just to ask if I’ll write something, every single one of you guys who’s ever stopped by my blog and had a look, left a like or a reblog of something I’ve written.  You helped me remember how to like myself again, not because I need people to like me to like myself but because I’d forgotten how, I’d forgotten that I once did, and like One Direction did last November, you lit up that path again.  And I just want to thank you all so very, very much.  You are always so very kind to me, and I appreciate you all so very much.  I love you guys, and I hope that you’ll continue to stay with me and let me write for you.

Thank you all for being so patient with me while I made it through this, for being so patient for the fic to come out.  This is the last and longest in the 1D set, weighing in at a whopping 13.9k words.  I hope so very much that you enjoy every one of them.  Please stop by and let me know.

And one last time for now, this piece is not meant to exclude anyone.  It is simply meant as a form of representation for larger or “plus size” women to seen themselves in the fiction they, we, love to read.  If you think that anything contained herein will upset you, I encourage you to visit my masterlist and choose something else instead.

I’d also like to give a very special thanks to Haidre ( sorrynotharry) and Sarah ( saranelshine) for helping me so very much through this piece.  Your companionship is absolutely irreplaceable.]

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