Context: We found a hexagonal softball sized item that had a rattling coming from inside. My druid was able to figure out that it was volcano glass. One of the clerics, who is not very smart, was convinced it was a volcano seed.
Cleric: I bet you 20 gold that if we plant that in the ground it will grow a volcano.
Druid (me): That’s not how it works, they don’t grow.
Cleric: Well what your saying is that they are just full grown volcanos when they are born and I know that you are lying about that.
Druid: Thats not what I am saying either. (I then begin to explain where volcanos come from.)
Cleric OOC: I rolled a will save to disbelieve everything she is saying. *Rolls a 14*
Druid OOC to DM: Can I roll anything in order to make him believe?!
DM: At this point no, he believes it is a seed.
Druid: Fine, but this not not win you the bet.
Witch: No, he is definitely right, this is definitely a volcano seed.
After more discussion we decide to break it open. The witch detects magic on it and picks up a ring.
DM: You identify this as a ring of volcano growing.
Druid: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (leaves the table for a couple minutes)
When I come back it was actually a ring that gives a PC a bite attack, and had nothing to do with volcanoes.
- Yuuri admits to being a stone-cold player who deliberately enticed Victor to Japan in order to remove him from the running as competition in the Grand Prix series. What he didn’t count on, he says to a teary-eyed Victor, was falling so very deeply in love. Victor is initially upset but decides to forgive him.
- A clerical error in the GPF scheduling pits Yuuri against 7-time NHL All-Star Alexander Ovechkin, who defeats him 27-0 and leaves him with severe concussion and multiple fractures
- Leo and Guang Hong start boning
- Yurio and Otabek start boning
- Emil and Mickey start boning
- Christophe starts boning
- Leo, Guang Hong, Yurio, Otabek, Emil, Mickey, and Christophe are all ejected from the rink by security.
Social Justice Barbarian: prone to fits of rage, gains immunity to any and all arguments during these tiffs. Permanent activist fatigue between these states. Totem Warriors are out because spirit animals are only for First Nation people.
Social Justice Bard: so many autotuned song parodies. Quantity over quality. Suffers from dad humour. Actually makes a living with this schtick, and will get attacked by people jealous of his Patreon money.
Social Justice Cleric: preachy, worships a particular scholar, will see everything through the lens of his/her work. Entirely incomprehensible to those outside his academic domain. Will appear on @realpeerreview someday.
Social Justice Druid: vegan, prone to compare historical atrocities to factory farming. Extremely ableist, will badger depressed people with New Age woo. Whisker filter in place of Wildshape.
Social Justice Fighter: in it for the war, not the revolution. Always able to get in that extra personal attack. Often very privileged himself, lack of skin in the game allows him to easily recover from a lost argument while minorities take the heat.
Social Justice Monk: shirtless avatar, very vain. Will play Gay Chicken to mock men for supposed insecure heterosexuality, in practice indistinguishable from sexual harassment. Believes nail polish equals a smashed patriarchy.
Social Justice Paladin: swears oath to a particular cause, gaining prominence as an activist. Turn The Unwoke chiefly targets minorities with internalized prejudice. Will lose all his powers once his problematic traits get exposed (one hopes).
Social Justice Ranger: expert at tracking down targets, prone to dox your employer if you become his Favored Enemy. Will treat minorities as Animal Companions by tagging them into arguments without consent.
Social Justice Rogue: all chill until you find out he Backstabbed you with a whisper campaign. Very good at using private info in a critical attack against you, will out your sexuality, disability and the like without regard for personal safety.
Social Justice Sorceror: powers derive entirely from Origin, since you cannot argue with lived experience. Sorcery points used to change personal info and life story on the fly. Never verifies identity in any way. Likely 1/16 Cherokee.
Social Justice Warlock: forms a pact with a minority activist, gaining ally cookies in exchange for being an attack dog while said activist can claim clean hands. Will get dropped like a stone the moment he fucks up himself.
Social Justice Wizard: not an -ism he isn’t an expert on, replaces all arguments with different ones the next day. Social Justice Savant allows him to copy a minority person’s idea without giving credit in half the time it normally takes.
I toss the light-stone into the crypt! *Rolls 20*
You have spent entirely too much time skipping rocks, as such you rebound the rock against three pillars and two skeletons before it comes to a clean stop in the center of the room.
...So I can see them all?
I WANT TO SING 'EVERY TIME WE TOUCH' AS WE CHARGE INTO BATTLE!
You're not a bard, but screw it roll Performance.
OKAY. *Mediocre roll*
Well you don't exactly remember the words but you can hum furiously while fighting.
All The Dwarves:
So...can we use the Elf as a weapon?
...Hey Elf what's your Armor Class?
I want to bless the bomb.
The bomb that was made illegally by an alchemist who clearly was no bomb expert and hastily threw something together in twelve hours?
Which is why I want to bless the damn thing.
You stare into the Skeleton Warrior's empty eye sockets and see only the cold black abyssial Void staring back at you.
I WANNA INTIMIDATE IT.
Alright intimidating a skeleton that's-
NO! I wanna intimidate the Void.
...The cold black unfeeling existential darkness?
Fuck it why not.
.........You stare into the Abyss and it absolutely stares back. Given your ever-shifting mental state you don't take in the abstract and horrifying nature of oblivion but rather stand defiantly, blatantly giving shape to the shapeless and a name to something that should not be named. At the End of All Things something turns, being actively defied by a mortal, and it hesitates. It cannot stand even an unwitting rival and it will react accordingly - because a primal force made afraid is a terrible sight to behold.
So I intimidate it?
Oh my god we are going to die.
The ghouls retreat into their tunnel.
Well if ever there was a time for that bomb, let's seal them in!
Alright let's see how this thing goes. *Nat 20*
*sets up Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture Finale*
The alchemist, having known nothing about proper explosives, pretty much tossed in every volatile horrible thing he could into the 'bomb.' And as your God looks favorably on grandstanding gestures of epic stupidity, he extends his mighty claw down to bless this bomb. You hear a distant roar and a blinding light before the cleansing fire erupts through the Ghoul Tunnels. Above ground, a number of graves explode outward while dozens of ghoul corpses charred beyond recognition fall and litter the graveyard while ash quietly falls in the aftermath.
Holy shit we have another one of those.
No! He'll kill the HELL out of us.
Hey if you're going to do something stupid at least see it through like I do!
Cleric, Elf, and Dwarf:
...So to appease the Void we're gonna sacrifice the Fighter.
...Yeah alright make the rolls.
*is murdered in his sleep*
Cleric, Elf, and Dwarf:
Wow that was....well, we're all in tender emotional states. See you next time. *they exit*
...Want to be the Avatar of the Void and fuck shit up on a global scale?
Would it be me doing more stupid shit with no reason with godlike powers?
They’re Social Justice Class pins! I got them in the mail yesterday! I’m pretty excited about how they turned out.
Here’s the deal: these will debut at GeekGirlCon in Seattle, on October 11th & 12th. They will be on sale for $2 each, or $10 for the set, all proceeds go to Planned Parenthood. :D I’ve also gotten a number of requests to make them available online. That’s too be determined! I promise I am looking into it.
I really just made these for fun, though. They’re supposed to be a playful poke at the idea of a Social Justice Warrior. Because why be a Social Justice Warrior, when you can be a Social Justice Rogue? Or a Social Justice WIZARD?!
Wizard: “What do you mean you’re out of cure spells?!”
Cleric: “You heard me! I’m out!”
Wizard: “Can’t you spontaneously cast them?”
Cleric: “No, I can only spontaneously cast fire spells.”
Wizard: “What the fuck.”
Cleric: “Will a fire help right now?”
Cleric: “Fire can be healing and cleansing!”
Wizard: “DON’T SET ANYTHING ON FIRE!”
The cleric huffs and proceeds to summon fire anyways, much to the wizards distress. She then heats her dagger and sticks it against the wounded party member, cauterizing the wound, doing the same to everyone so no one is bleeding out.
Wizard: “…I can’t believe that worked.”
Cleric: “SEE?! HEALING AND CLEANSING.”
Fighter: “What about those people you scorched with fireball a little while back?”
Cleric: “…I cleansed and healed the world of their evil presence.”