Can you write headcanons for the rfa and saeran with an mc who wants to kill herself because she feels like she doesn’t matter and nothing she does will ever matter
I got this prompt before things went downhill on my end, and I’m so sorry it has taken me a while until I was able to write this for you, anon.
I really hope you’re doing okay, and know that you’re loved. Please if you need help, remember to talk to loved ones, friends, or to look up suicide hotlines for your area (Google as an incognito mode if you’re stressed about your history). If you’re thinking of therapy I used to use BetterHelp.com. They had an app and it was nice not having to voice all the negatives, just writing them down. And some places offer free therapy as well.
Do not be ashamed for wanting/needing help. It’s so much better than the alternative.
- He showered you with compliments on the daily.
- He didn’t know you. You were still just some person behind a text message screen.
- Why did he care so much?
- Out of the camera’s prying eyes, you locked yourself in the late Rika’s room, curling up beside her bed.
- She was so much better than you in every way, so much more lovable, likeable. No one ever batted an eye to you unless it was just to be flirted with.
- You knew those advances would go away the moment they saw you for who you were.
- Some over-depressed whiny fuck.
- You covered your face, hating how harsh you had to be to yourself, when you heard the phone ring. You peaked over, the action seemingly taking over a year, but you recognized the face on the ID.
- You answered, a low “Hello”, to which he acted surprised to.
- “Eh? Are you sick? Did our RFA princess get a cold?”
- Silence. Long enough that you heard him shuffle with the phone, probably to check if you were still on the line.
- “Mc? Hey, are you okay?”
- “Why do you care?”
- “…What kind of question is that?”
- You scoffed.
- “Hey, whats up? What’s wrong?”
- “What, you going to just flirt with me? Save the damsel in distress who you don’t even know?” You swallowed, the action making your throat feel like it was being torn apart.
- “I do know-”
- “No you don’t! You don’t even know what I look like, let alone how I act! How I really am! Just some selfish fuck up who can’t even compare to that Rika girl you all keep talking about!”
- Silence again, and your felt your heart manage to break even more. “That’s what I thought, you can’t even-”
- “No, I’m still here. I’m listening.”
- “To what?”
- “To you. To you venting. Mc, please just. Keep going.”
- Out of anger you did. Anger towards yourself, towards the group. He listened. He listened as anger turned into broken sobs that had your chest heaving.
- He kept quiet for a moment, making sure he wasn’t interrupting you again.
- “You’re right, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you look like, but you know what? I don’t care. Because while I don’t know you that well, I know already you’re a good person. You’re helping us while your heart is so burdened with stress, while you have the weight of us on your shoulders. Do you know how many others would do that? None. In fact, the one that did is gone now. And even as upset you are with us talking about her, you’re still willing to help, you’re still willing to listen to idiot romantics like me, while you’re struggling so much. But you know what? We’re here for you. These strangers that you’re taking care of, we’re here for you too. No matter how silly, no matter how late, you can call me. Text me. If you feel like this please, please, just talk to me or one of the guys who makes you feel more comfortable, if you can’t talk to anyone else. Just please, yell at me, blame me, but god please don’t do anything to yourself.”
- “I-I-I’m so ssorry-”
- “Don’t. We all have our bad moment. When I see you at that party, I’ll give you all the hugs I can’t give you right now, and all the ones no one else was able to give you. So stick around until then at least, okay?”
- You nodded, even though he couldn’t see you. “O-Okay.”
- He stayed on the phone with you to calm you down, getting you to agree to sleep on the couch so Seven could make sure you were okay. He stayed on the phone for hours, just listening, singing at times, humming encouragement.
- And when the two of you finally met, he couldn’t let go of you, and you never wanted to let go of him.
- He was used to coming home and you greeting him with a smile, warming his heart and taking the stress from work that day. Even Elizabeth 3rd didn’t have that effect all the time
- But seeing you curled up on the bed, motionless, face soaked in tears, had him dropping his suitcase and rushing to you
- “Mc? Mc, are you alright?”
- You weakly looked up at him, dried eyed threatening to tear up again. “No.” God, every part of you hurt admitting that, but you just wanting some emotion to grace you, something other than pain and numbness
- “Do I need to call the doctor? It’ll just-”
- “No, no please, just.” You weakly reached out for his hand, and he immediately grasped yours. Even just tilting your head felt like it took your whole energy reserve away. “I need you.”
- He laid down beside you, pulling you into his arms. “Love, please. What’s wrong?”
- “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
- “About what?”
- “I’m such a fucking waste of space Jumin, I can’t do anything right anymore.”
- He jerked away slightly, looking you in the eyes.
- “Don’t you dare even begin to think that. Don’t you dare.”
- Tears starting spilling from your eyes again as you were forced to look directly at him, your shoulders shaking.
- “But I am-”
- “No,” He kissed your forehead, but his voice was stern, even slightly shaky. “You are the most amazing thing to happen to me, you are the best thing to grace my presence each morning I open my eyes, you are so much more than that, mc. Please.”
- You had never seen Jumin cry, but now you felt it. He was holding you tight, burying his face in your hair, as he struggled to keep composed as his body shook.
- “Please, mc. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
- You clung tightly to him, muttering a mantra of apologies as he made a mental list of how to help you exactly.
- He would going to start telling you he loved you six times a day, kiss you every moment he could, call you every small two minute break he had just to tell you he thought of you.
- God, just anything. Anything to keep you here with him, and to feel like yourself again. Not this husk.
- Jaehee knew a few of the signs, just from excessive research she did after hearing about the late Rika.
- Maybe a few other reasons
- The two of you were closing up the shop for the night, you washing the dishes as she swept. However, she had stopped ages ago, watching you stare at a knife with a dead-eyed half lidded stare.
- She knew.
- Slowly, she walked behind you, taking your hands in hers and getting the knife away from you, holding you from behind.
- “Mc, don’t.”
- That’s all she said. She wasn’t even 100% sure that was what you were thinking, but you bursting into tears on the spot confirmed it.
- She cut the sink off, wrapping you in one of the fluffy clean towels, rocking you back and forth as you sobbed into her.
- She wanted to cry, felt like she needed to, but she held it in. For you, just for you. Just anything to make you happy.
- “Jaehee, I can’t- It’s so painful- I can’t even breathe-”
- “Shhh,” She kissed the back of your head, waiting for you to cry it out.
- When you finished, she turned you around, kissing the corners of your eyes.
- “We’re going to get you to a doctor.”
- “Jaehee, no-”
- “Yes,” Her voice cracked a bit, and she took a deep breath. “Mc, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much about myself, I’m finally enjoying my life again, I feel like I finally learned what it’s like to feel alive-”
- “With me gone, you’ll-”
- “I’ll break, I’ll be in shambles. And I never, ever, want to see you like that. I never want to see your beautiful, shining, radiant face devoid of life. If that happened, I’d die, Mc. I would just stop.”
- She took a moment to rub her eyes, then to kiss you.
- “Please, please, just talk to me. I promise I love you, I promise I will do everything I can. Just please, god. Don’t hurt yourself.”
- Everything had been numb until now.
- Bad grades? Still workless? Numb.
- Yoosung drowning in games while you silently and mentally begged for his attention? Numb.
- You weren’t even sure what had snapped in you today, but as he was discussing a test he failed, sad over it, but a bit happy it wasn’t as bad as his past grades
- And you just broke down in tears
- He froze up, trying to figure out what he said wrong as you buried your face in your knees.
- “Mc? Mc, what happened? Are you okay?”
- He gingerly touched you, scared of provoking more tears, but when you leaned a bit closer he managed to bring your face up to look at him.
- “Mc, please, please, tell me what is wrong.”
- He was so scared. Were you going to break up with him? Did someone hurt you? What was happening?
- After a few moments of choked sobbing and garbled mutterings, you managed to clear your throat enough.
- “Yo-Yoosung, I can’t stand this anymore.”
- Oh god, you were breaking up, weren’t you? He took a deep breath. “Stand what?”
- “Just, I don’t fuckcing know,” you covered your face again. “Living. I can’t.”
- His heart sunk. Immediately he pulled you to him, tears already leaking.
- “Do-Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare, Mc. Please, god, don’t you dare.” He couldn’t bring himself to say the word, he didn’t want to even jinx it. “Please, god, don’t. I don’t know what I’d do.”
- You outright wailed.
- “I don’t have a job, I’m such a disgrace, I just-”
- “No,” He pushed your face into his shoulder, refusing to have you keep on. “You don’t know how much you mean to me, or the people around you. God, please, I went through this with Rika, Mc, just please, please, let me help you. I couldn’t-” His voice broke, “I couldn’t help her, please, god, let me help you.”
- The two of you broke down, just rocking back and forth on his bed, sobbing together. You, feeling so ashamed and sick. Yoosung, so scared and guilty.
- After the two of you cried it out a bit, he covered you in kisses, refusing to stop until he felt like you knew how much he loved you.
- He’d nearly beg Jumin to have him help you get help. He didn’t care if he had to become a slave to C&R for the rest of his life. Anything was better than losing you.
- No matter what you did, how much you told him you loved him, he pushed you away.
- You couldn’t understand why for the life of you. He was so in love with you a while ago, and now it’s just this?
- It was you, right? You did something. You weren’t who he thought you were…Right?
- He didn’t even notice you leave the house.
- You threw your phone somewhere outside, and just walked. Walked until your feet felt sore, until your legs couldn’t take it.
- When you finally stopped, you were at an old park bench. It was late in the afternoon, almost dark, so no kids were around. You sat down, and held it in as you thought about what you were going to do.
- There was a river nearby, so that was an option, wasn’t it? And if you truly needed to you could fashion your sweater into some noose. It wouldn’t be too hard if you had your phone.
- Phone… Right. You threw that somewhere, didn’t you? You couldn’t even look up proper ways of killing yourself, could you? Managed to fuck up right until the end.
- You laughed to yourself, and as you did it slowly turned into hiccups. Into sobs.
- Soon you were sobbing on this abandoned park bench, like some fool. Some lovestruck fool that had no one to love her back.
- You didn’t know how long you were there, not until a loud screeching noise hit your ears, causing you to blink at the bright lights in front of you.
- “Mc? Oh thank god, thank god.”
- Seven ran to you, pulling you off the bench and hugging you tight.
- “I was so scared, I was so fucking scared. Are you okay? Are you hurt-”
- You shook him off, shooting a bitter glare his way.
- “Why do you care?”
- You could see the life leave him. He instantly teared up, reaching for you.
- “God, mc, I do, I do, god i do please. Please please, please pleaseplease, don’t do this-”
- “What, push you away like you-”
- He pulled you into a sloppy, wet, kiss. His tears mingling with his inability to kiss properly.
- “I know I’m an asshole, I know I don’t deserve you. I just get so scared- I’m so gross, so disgusting, so stupid, Mc. And you’re so smart, so kind, so fucking calm. And I don’t deserve you, not in the slightest, but here you are,” He managed a weak, choked, laugh. “Finally realizing…”
- He held you close, refusing to let go, as he sobbed into your chest. “God, mc, please. Come home, lets talk, and then you can beat me within an inch of my life, but please god don’t leave me, don’t, not like this. Not like this, just any other way, not like this.”
- You put your stubbornness aside. Still angry, but longing some validation.
- The two of you settled in his car, awkwardly cuddling in the back seat in the abandoned parking lot, trying to calm down enough to drive.
- And in that time frame, you realized he was just as scared as you were. Once he heard your plans, he begged you to get help, he even promised he would come along to therapy, just anything so you didn’t harm yourself like you were thinking. He needed to know you were safe, and he would never forgive himself if he couldn’t stop you.
- But you knew for damn sure he wasn’t going to push you away anymore, not even if his mind told him to. You deserved more.
- When he saw your recent search histories, he nearly broke down himself, recognizing a few of the searches as ones he used to look up himself.
- You, the wonderful woman who welcomed him with open arms. Despite those he hurt, despite him trying to hurt you. When you first saw him, you immediately hugged him so tightly, whispering on how thankful you were that he was alright.
- Something he would never forget.
- And here he was, reading the results you got for painless suicide methods. Once he saw one connected to your recent behavior, he shot out of his seat and sprinted to wherever you could be.
- When he found you, he was the one to break into sobs. He was so mad, so fucking mad, that he couldn’t stay composed, but he needed you, he needed you so bad.
- He fell to his knees, clinging onto your legs.
- “Mc, please god, please don’t do it, please for fucking gods sake don’t leave me alone, don’t leave me with an empty bed and guilt, god Mc I can’t take it, I can’t.”
- As soon as he started sobbing, you connected the pieces pretty quickly, and felt your own tears pour.
- You slowly met him on the floor, where he held you in a death-like grip, begging you without any shame.
- “Why, why, why? Why?”
- “I’m just. Worthless, Saera-”
- “Don’t you fucking even think that for one moment. I’ve killed people, mc, I’ve killed people worse than you, I’ve beaten people. God, Mc, I’m worse than you. If anything I’m the one more deserving to go rather than you.”
- He broke down again, ending up blubbering. “If you go I don’t know what I’d do. You’re the only thing keeping me sane, please god Mc, please don’t. Please. Please.”
- He just kept begging, and you started to wail.
- The two of you stayed on the floor just cuddling each other, unsure of what else to do. It took hours until the both of you could stop crying, until the both of you held hands so tightly and talked about the help for you to get.
- He would do anything, just anything, for his beautiful heaven like sky not to be taken away from him.
Hey. I'm having a bit of a panic attack right now, if you could provide something short about Prince comforting Anx, I would be everlastingly grateful.
*Oh anon I’m so sorry, I really hope it passes quickly*
Prince often thought of Anxiety. He thought of him on purpose, and he thought of him on accident.
He would think about what the other was doing, or where he was. He often would get distracted because he caught sight of something that made him think of his lover.
Even before they were together, Prince realized one day, he thought of Anxiety very often.
Anxiety was counted among the many blessings in Prince’s life.
Even now, when Prince was holding the quivering other in his arms, did Prince feel this way.
He cared for Anxiety, no matter what.
“Today I saw a crow,” Prince whispered, “Did you know they’re actually really intelligent? He reminded me of you,” Prince kept talking about the crow in the park, attempting to distract Anxiety from his mental pain.
“This crow was flying all over the park, back and forth, back and forth, for well over two hours. I couldn’t figure out what it was he was doing.” Anxiety remained with his face buried, but his shivering had subsided, “Finally, I got up to follow him. When he came back across the park, I ran with him to the other side.” Prince chuckled, “He was very intelligent.”
“The crow was cleaning up litter that had been washed up by the river. Piece by tiny piece, the crow was picking it up with his beak, flying across the park to dump it in the trash, and coming back to do it again.”
“When it saw me, it stopped with a lit cigarette butt in it’s mouth,” He laughed, “I’ll have to show you the picture sometime. When I slowly bent down and began picking up some trash, it watched for a little while longer before accepting my help. Together, we cleaned the riverside. All afternoon, we worked and worked and worked. Until finally, it was done.”
“The rocks were clean of bags and cigarettes, and food, and all things that don’t belong. It was so beautiful.”
“Then, the crow flew off into the tree, where I noticed a nest sat alone in forked branches, two young crows peaking out.”
“Why does it remind you of me?” Anxiety whispered.
“Because,” Prince shifted so Anxiety sat properly in his lap, “Most people only see crows as they are and what they’re told of them- “Like the man who sat in Prince’s lap “-I got to see a whole nother side.” Exactly like Anxiety.