cissy's journal

Diary entry unknown

My soul is weary

I can hardly sleep at night, my thoughts running through my head as I think over what Mother spoke to me earlier. She claims things about Father that I don’t believe. I don’t believe her lies and I don’t think she does either, but she has to say something, anything to make things right in this world. Nothing is right now that my eyes are being opened to what my family really is. If only I could stop and let sleep take me over…

Beating down from all of my misery

Mother tells me I have to marry Cornelius, but look at him! I mean, his heart. I know I’m not supposed to even consider that, for it has nothing to do with the heart. I’ll go through with the marriage, for it is my duty, but there is more things in life than to be bound down to one of sorrow and pain. He will not provide the things that I need, I cannot talk to him about anything and I will be forced to lead a silent existence beside my husband as his disgusting pureblood wife. It’s all I know to do, to be like my mother and her mother’s before her.

Gotta hold of my heart…

Lucius Malfoy took my heart and I never even knew it. He saved me from all of my nightmares and I do hope he knows how much I care for him. I have never felt such peace for my soul. I hope this peace lasts. My soul needs rest and I do believe I have found rest in my new fiancé, for it is he that I wish to spend the rest of my days with. 

…keeps me bound where the whole wide world is free

If only I had known! How could he? How could he put himself and our unborn son in such danger? To follow the Dark Lord and to keep me out of his dark and terrible secret? I thought that in marriage there would be no secrets between us? I followed a life of such and I wanted no more of that with Lucius, but he’s hurt me more than I think he will ever come to terms with. Keeping something that big, just to protect me, is not kindness, no matter what he may think. It’s lies, lies I still don’t believe.

My home is a wreckage a family ground implied in poverty

Draco has joined his father in this family burden that haunts us all and when Draco told me he wanted to join, that night I cried. I was alone and I cried. As a child, that was a shameful thing to do and I searched for places where I could hide to shield my burdens from everyone else in the world. Now, I openly weep in my own bedroom, both my son and husband gone in the dead of night, praying that they return safely and when they do, the blood and scars makes my heart drop into my chest and I weep inside at the thought that one night, they may never come back to me. But I am all they have and I must be strong, for their sakes, if not for my own. I will save them and do whatever it takes to keep them alive.

Oh Lord who will comfort me?