circus preformer

Ok so who remembers the Rankin-Bass claymation Christmas specials from way back when that are still aired every year? You know, like Rudolph, and Santa Clause is Coming to Town and Jack Frost and junk like that? Well, apparently, there is one that no one ever talks about and no one I’ve talked to has apparently ever heard of, and I feel like I need to tell people about this hilarious, disastrous masterpiece of a holiday classic, only known as Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July.

I swear to god I’m not making this shit up. This was a real fuckin thing that came out in 1979 and its exactly what you fucking think it is. A real, legit crossover between Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. And honestly every other damn Christmas figure under the sun, save for lil Baby JC, of course. You have Santa, Jack Frost, Frosty’s rando wife from that one animated special I can’t be bothered to look up, even that damn whale with the clock on its tale from the Rudolph New Year’s special (which yes, was also a real thing). 

So like, this shit actually doesn’t take place in December at all, but like in the middle of the goddamn summer, hence its title. Rudolph and Frosty are somehow besties (if not a little honestly gay for each other even though Frosty has a wife and two kids (watch the movie and you’ll see what I mean, its weird as fuck)). I mean god just look at these two bozos: 

Speaking of which, Frosty does have a wife and she’s kinda cool but he also has two little shitlet snow kids who are annoying as fuck and you wish would melt by the end of the movie (which is something that happens). 

But whatever. So apparently out of goddamn nowhere Rudolph’s nose starts blinking out like a malfunctioning lightbulb or something and then he passes out and just look at how randomly melodramatic this bullshit gets in the first ten minutes: 

And then they kissed. So yeah, something’s obviously wrong but who cares about any of that. Rudolph gets like, instantly better aight. Cause we have to move this stupid plot along somehow. 

So anyway, this rando in a hot air balloon comes by and he’s like, an ice cream man or something? (I’m honestly giving you the plot of this shit off the top of my head, I haven’t watched it in years). But anyway, this guy wants to bang this hot lady who works at a circus or whatever, but the circus is gonna go out of business, so dude’s all like “yo, Rudolph, Frosty, my dudes, ya’ll are a bunch of fucking freaks, why don’t you come down to the circus and like preform or whatever” and they’re both like “lol sure”

Oh but fuckin hold up, bitches cause if you thought this shit was a cutesy little silly story then ya’ll are dead wrong. Cause here’s where we get fucking deep into Christmas lore (I can’t even believe that’s a thing). So there’s this asshole: 

who’s some sort of winter wizard (think of a male, proto-Elsa but with a massive stick shoved up his ass), and he’s all pissy and whatever because way back in the day, dude kept freezing anyone’s ass who was trying to go near the North Pole because I dunno he’s trying to binge on Netflix and doesn’t want to be bothered. Still, the dudes kinda cool cause he as ice snakes or whatever: 

And this unholy magic mirror abomination thing that scared the shit out of me when I was a kid: 

But anyway, wizard dude’s a massive dickweed to everyone until this this bitch comes along:

And she’s like some sort of northern lights fairy or something? I don’t know. But she basically bitchslaps wizard dude hard enough to put him to sleep for hundreds of years, which allows one certain jolly old prowler to come settle in the North Pole: 

Yeah that’s right, Santa bitches. So Santa builds his sweatshop workshop and everyone’s chill and happy and great until dick wizard wakes up again and is super pissy this time, especially when he hears about Santa. So he’s like “fuck this noise, Imma send a crazy ass storm to kill that holly bastard”. So he does, and northern lights lady is like “aw shit I gotta stop that fucking bs”. So she does so in the stupidest fucking way ever, of course, by giving some of her unexplained glowy powers to a fucking newborn reindeer and that makes his nose glow and hence Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was born. Yeah that’s right. You ever wanted to know the origin story of Rudolph the goddamned Red Nosed Reindeer? Well HERE IT FUCKING IS! AND ITS PROBABLY STUPIDER THAN YOU THOUGHT! 

So there’s like this one stipulation northern lights lady tells Rudolph about is deus ex machina nose: he can’t ever use it for evil or it’ll go out and like, ok fine. We gotta have a moral for the kiddies in this bout of fever dream insanity somewhere, right? So like yeah, years go by and the whole Rudolph song sequence happens and what do you know, Rudolph guides Santa’s sleigh through the storm and you know the rest. 

So back to our goddamn main story (I swear there are like 60 subplots in this thing). Dickweed wizard is still mad but he has a plan now. oooo. So remember the circus thing? yeah me neither because the story just fucking derailed with all that damn backstory. But anyway, so the gang wants to go to the circus, but oh no! Frosty and his fam will melt in the hot weather. So the obvious conclusion is for everyone to say, “nah man we can’t go” but then wizard dude comes along and is like “you i got a solution to ur prob” and he gives Frosty and fam all like these medallion things that’ll make it so they won’t melt until the forth of july fireworks or whatever? I don’t know how it works and the movie does not care, obviously. 

So everyone’s happy as hell and Santa’s like “Oh I’ll come too because I gotta have my time in the spotlight too, I’m motherfucking Santa Claus” but he says he can’t come with everyone else for reasons, so him and Mrs. Claus will come a few days later or whatever. So yeah. Everyone sets off in ice cream dude’s balloon: 

So they get to the circus and everything’s hunky dory. They meet the tightrope lady who ice cream dude is creaming for and her mom, who owns the circus and is probably the coolest thing in this movie. Mostly because she has guns and she’s trigger happy with them: 

So yeah a whole bunch of nothing happens for a long time. But then wizard dude goes to like?? this reindeer brothel or something??? I dunno, but he picks up this creepy sleeze bag reindeer, who I’m just gonna call Randolph because I honest to god cannot remember his real name: 

So I honest to god don’t remember what Randolph does, I guess he like leads Rudolph astray or whatever but I do remember liking his voice for some reason, he was a sarcasthole. But anyway, dickweed wizard also sends a huge storm after Santa and his lady as they’re heading down to the carnival, and of course they don’t have Rudolph with them so they’re basically screwed. 

Back at the carnival, shenanigans are going down, Frosty’s kids are annoying little shits, ect. ect. and Randolph is all like, “Yo Rudolph, my G, lets go steal borrow some money from the circus and Rudolph, being the incredible fucking moron he is, agrees to this nonsense and uses his nose to get a suitcase full of cash out of a dark room or whatever without questioning it at all. And what do you diddly fucking know? Rudolph’s nose stops glowing because he used it for an “evil purpose” but like??? He was tricked? So that doesn’t make any sense? Northern lights lady, you are full of some loophole bullshit. 

So then Rudolph gets all sad and depressed because he’s basically fucking useless and everyone hates him now. And angst ensues: 

Of course, Frosty is the only person who will still vouch for Rudolph, which is when dickweed wizard comes in and is like “yo, I’ll make Rudolph’s nose glow again (somehow) if ya give me ur magic hat that gives you life” and Frosty is like “ok sure I see no problems with this whatsoever” So he gives him the hat and dies stops moving or being alive or whatever and yet Dickweed wizard is a fucking lair because Rudolph’s nose doesn’t start glowing again, and Rudolph gets all pissy about that and there’s a stupid chase scene or something and Rudolph gets the hat back and somehow that makes his nose glow again I don’t fucking no it makes no damn sense. 

But anyway, all the fireworks go off and what do ya know, Santa didn’t make it in time, which means Frosty and his whole damn family are fuckin dead cause they melted aw shit. And then dickweed wizard comes back and spouts some bullshit I don’t remember but like eventually he gets killed or something? or like I think the cool gun lady from earlier shoots him. So he turns into this abomiation that haunted my nightmares as a wee little lass: 

So ding dong the wizard is dead. But Frosty and fam are still dead so everyone cries about that for a while until like? Jack fucking Frost comes in for no discernible reason? Seriously like he comes into the film like ten minutes before it ends right the fuck out of nowhere and he gives Frosty and fam a blowjob to bring them back to life: 

So yay everyone lives (except for dickweed wizard lol he’s ded) and Santa comes several days late with Starbucks and he takes Frosty and fam back to the North Pole and everyone gets high off their asses and flies all over the place and this movie is a literal drug trip. The end. 

So yeah this movie is pretty bizarre as fuck but I totally recommend it if you want a little insanity this Christmas. Though I recommend that you watch it either drunk or high or zonked on egg nog, just to make it even more enjoyable. Honestly, I didn’t even touch on half of the weird shit in this movie, but again, go check it out for yourself. You’ll thank me for it later. 

Crushes and Crutches: Chapter 5

X-men Apocalypse
 Pairing: Nightsilver/Quickcrawler 
Rating: idk if you’re sensitive to swearing don’t read it 
Warning: adorableness and 100% uncanon Kurt background story most likely and feels

+Homosexuality (boy X boy) in this so if you’re against it, don’t read it dipshit
+I’m not going to type Kurt’s accent because I’m lazy
+kinda short, but it’s cute
+don’t murder me for the background story, they haven’t given him a clear story is so far in the movies

That night no one had trouble falling asleep, not even Peter. Their day had been eventful and ended in an intense battle, so the group was tuckered out. They would need the rest, because the following day they would be splitting into pairs, and what they learned would be put to the test.

But that night something stirred Peter from his sleep. Considering how light of a sleeper he usually was, this isn’t surprising. But, being as tired as he was, he found it odd. He heard erratic movement coming from behind him and turned his head, attempting to glance over his shoulder.

It was Kurt, and he must’ve been having a nightmare. Peter then looked away, too tired to really realize the situation. Then he heard a gasp and the unmistakable sound of Kurt teleporting, which definitely got his drowsy attention. Peter quickly turned only to see Kurt’s sleeping bag empty.

“Shit…” Peter mumbled as he stood grabbing his jacket and an extra for Kurt. He stepped out of the tent looking around, being able to see by the faint light the full moon gave off. Quietly sneaking around the camp, Peter found him sitting with his knees pulled tight to his chest by the edge of the lake. Kurt was shaking, and Peter wasn’t sure if was because of the cold, or if the mutant was crying.

“Hey.” Peter said quietly, causing Kurt’s head to snap up, but quickly relax realizing who it was. “Oh, hello Peter. Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” he said, wiping his eyes. Shit he was definitely crying. “Nah, it’s fine.” Peter replied, giving Kurt the coat he had brought for him. “Oh, thank you.” “No problem.” There was a short period of silence where the two stared at the calm, black lake.

“Nightmare?” Kurt nodded. “If you don’t mind me asking, what about?” Peter asked. Kurt stayed silent for a moment, but then whispered “Berlin.” “Huh?” Peter stared at Kurt confused. “It was a nightmare about my time in Berlin. Well, it was more the replaying of the memory.” Kurt said now playing with his tail.

Everyone knew that Mystique had saved Kurt in Berlin. But no one actually knew what he was saved from. Kurt always tended to avoid the topic.

“Kurt, um…” Peter stopped himself for a moment, he wasn’t very good with emotional stuff. “Do you wanna talk about it? I mean, it might help.” He then quickly said. “I mean, if you don’t want to that’s fine, I totally understand bro.”

Kurt thought for a second and then let out a shaky breath. “N-no, I, uh, I’ll tell you.” He stared at the water for a moment, collecting himself.

“I guess I’ll start a little back. I was raised by a group of gypsies. They took care of me and taught me some acrobatics and crafting, and also taught me of religion. They were my family and I loved them very much.” Peter watched Kurt, seeing the nostalgia wash over his blue face.

“Then last year we went to a small festival where a circus would be preforming at. Me and my family were there, doing small demonstrations to hopefully gain some money. Then the circus’ manager walked by and saw me.” Kurt glanced at Peter, whose face was unreadable, then shifted his gaze back towards the lake.

“He wanted me to join ‘The Munich Circus’ and told me that he could make me a star. But I didn’t want to go, and told him I’d rather stay with my people. This obviously irritated him, but he kept up a fake smile and, offered to send monthly payments to my family if I went. This made me think. If I could help my family by going to work for this circus, then why not? I of course asked my mother first, she didn’t really want me to leave, but kissed my head and said “If it’s what you wish to do, then I will not stop you my little mouse.” A few tears started flowing down Kurt’s face.

“I wish I didn’t go. But we cannot change the past. The others in the circus were not to kind because of my appearance and my skills. I didn’t mind though, I was still able to keep in contact with my mom. Until I got a letter from one of my friends, my mother had… She… D-died, she had a heart attack while they were traveling and could not get help.” Kurt had began crying again. Peter stared at Kurt, then slowly and gently wrapped his arm around Kurt’s shoulder.

“A-a few weeks after, the members of the circus sold me off into a mutant fighting club of some sort. They forced me into a small box, similar to a coffin in size, and I couldn’t get out. There was an electromagnetic field around it to prevent me from escaping. For one whole day, I was stuck in there, not knowing where I was, or where I was going.” Kurt’s tone was shifting from sadness to fear.

“When we got to our destination all I could hear was an announcer, saying something "the only one able to defeat an angel was the devil himself” I knew he was referring to me, which only scared me more. When they finally let me out, I fell into the middle of a cage. I was scared, I was confused, and I was trapped again. I attempted to find a way out, grabbing onto the cage, only to get shocked. I fell to the ground and instantly had to dodge a clawed wing. I had to fight angel, if I didn’t fight we’d both be shot. And I-i, he yelled at me to fight back, I was doing what he wanted, but I-i, I ruined his wing and I didn’t mean to, God forgive me I promise I didn’t mean to.“ Kurt was getting a little hysterical, and clung onto Peter as if he was his lifeline.

"He wanted to hurt me for destroying his wing, i-i could see the fury in his eyes as he walked towards me. T-then the power in the cage shut off and we could escape, Angel glared at me for a few more seconds, I thought he was going to KILL me. But then he flew out, and I teleported trying to find the exit. Then, Raven was there and began to lead me toward, then men with guns tried to stop us, but I teleported out of the building. And Raven saved me.” Kurt ended letting himself relax. “I- thank you for listening Peter, I haven’t told this to anyone and telling you has helped me I think.” Peter patted Kurt’s head and gave him a kind smile. “Of course blue, it’s what friends are for.”

The two stared at each other for a moment. Peter studied the markings on Kurt’s face, and then his lips, they looked soft. He was about to move forward when “Who’s out there?” The two jumped and looked behind them, only to see Hank walking towards them. ‘God freakin damn it teach!’

“It’s just Kurt and I!” Peter said, highly irritated. “What are you two doing out so late? You’re supposed to be asleep!” “Kurt had a nightmare, so he decided he needed some fresh air.” Hank visibly softened hearing this. “Oh, well, just get back to bed soon, you’re gonna need sleep for tomorrow.” Kurt stood up. “Well, we’ll head back to the tent now, I’m feeling much better thanks to Peter.” He said with a smile. “Glad to hear it. Well goodnight you two.” “Goodnight Hank” The two young mutants said in unison.

Peter looked at Kurt and smiled “Well flower prince, to the tent then.” Kurt nodded and smiled back.

Chapter End.

I’m know I’m evil. c:

Chapters: 1 2 3 4