You know what I want to be a thing?
Circus AU’s like a group of people as circus performers in the middle of no where just wandering around in like tutu’s or on unicycle’s. I’m super into it.

“Showgirl”

I’ve been using (AND LOVING) the term ‘showgirl’ a lot lately. As a ‘they’ pronoun person it leaves me feeling a little confused…

I suppose when I use it, it brings up in my head images of Tura Satana, Anita Berber, Josephine Baker, Cassandra Peterson, Tempest Storm, Marlene Dietrich, Paris, Berlin, Vegas, Old night clubs burlesque bars, glitter, trash, spitting champagne at rowdy audiences, etc, etc…Things I identify with…things I want to link myself to! 

I am also going through an especially femme-centric period of my gender identity atm.

…That being said, it still feels misleading when I say it, as I still identify as genderqueer and do not especially relate (and never have) with the word girl.

I believe the reason honoring my femme-dom through terms like showgirl, and  hyper femininity is so difficult, is that people suddenly don’t see or believe that I am non binary. Like all these years of delving and soul searching, and community development is for nothing- because suddenly In stead of favoring my tomboy side… I’ve grown out my hair…I like dresses…I’m a glitter drenched sex kitten on stage…I LOVE BARBIE PINK SOOOOO MUCH!…I’m a fucking mermaid. .. And I start to even doubt myself, I start to think the rest of it was a phase..even letting my pronouns slide because it’s harder for other people to understand gender queerness when you don’t look androgynous. 

I think what it all is, is truly learning to accept my gender-fluidity, not just when it is most easily accepted by outside sources and society at large…My self expression will not always be able to be read by other people…It will not always match my image of myself on the inside…It will never be linear or simple… I will never be gay, straight, girl, boy, or have any kind of finite gender or sexual identity. No wholeness. I am vaporous. I’m a shape shifter

circus freak starters

“Why’d I let you free? You’re my favourite act.”
“You okay in there? That collar looks awfully tight.”
“Hold on, I will come back for you tonight. I won’t let them use you like this.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the cage soon.”
“You have nothing to worry about, my dear, everyone will love you tonight.”
“First performances are very exciting, I know, but that doesn’t give you the right to misbehave like this.”
“You’re just nervous because you’re new, they all are in the first few weeks.”
“What are you doing in a cage… this is inhumane.”
“Haha! Look at that one. What’s wrong with you, then? Can you talk?”
“If you keep talking back at me like that, I’m going to give you a muzzle.”
“Stop complaining, kid, I picked you off the streets because you look funny. You could’ve gotten killed out there for it. You should be grateful.”
“You need to stay here. Outside this circus, you’re just a freak.”
“I’m giving you a dry place to sleep. That’s better than what you had before. I’d be grateful if I were you.”
“Put on a bit of a happy face. If you look like that, people aren’t going to like you, are they?”
“I love your act… I come here all the time to see you and I was wondering if you were ever free outside of this circus… Maybe you’d like to meet up with me sometimes?”
“In here you can be proud of what you are.”
“So, what trick shall I teach you today?”

Imagine being a Jotun like Loki, but sent to Earth and adopted by the circus. There, you’re accepted by everyone, especially the Ring Master, even though your appearance would be considered strange. As you grow older you practice using your ice powers to make beautiful displays till you’re old enough and ready to put on shows. When you’re all grown up, the circus is performing in New York, and your special guest are the Avengers along with Loki.

During the show everyone is having fun and enjoying what they see, except Loki, who could care less about prodding lions with chairs or elephants balancing on small balls. His attention though is quickly caught when you’re announced by the Ring Master and your show begins with an explosion of blue dust and the sound of exotic music playing. Upon seeing you he can’t help but stare in shock and amazement as you perform beautifully to the sound of music; dancing and making displays with ice magic.

After the performance the circus comes to an end and everyone leaves for the night while you and the other performers get ready for a party that Tony is holding for you all. Later at the party, everyone is having a great time chatting with people or dancing, but deciding to get some air you leave to a quiet balcony over looking the city. You’re silence is interrupted by Loki who approaches you kindly. He asks you many questions about your life and after telling him that you’ve been an orphan since you were a baby, you had been adopted by the circus. He then proceeds to ask you about the way you look, like if you feel out of place, or if you’ve ever felt like people looked at you as some sort of monster. You in turn simply reply that you think you’re beautiful, and could honestly care less about what others have to say about your appearance.

This intrigues Loki and makes him think about his own Jotun form. It’s now your turn and ask him out of curiosity as to why he’s so interested about your life and thoughts. He’s not really sure how to answer and thinks carefully about the choice he’s about to make. Making sure no one else is around he tells you that you’re a Jotun, a creature from a planet called Jotunheim. This causes you to start laughing which he doesn’t find very amusing. He ask what’s so funny and you reply that he must be joking with you, since he’s the God of Mischeif. Loki however insist that he’s telling the truth, and you ask him how would he even know such thing. Frustrated with the fact that he can’t get you to believe him he makes the hasty choice to actually turn into his Jotun form, telling you that he knows because he is a Jotun.

Now with Loki in his true form before you, you are left speechless, only gaping at him with wide eyes. Loki takes this as a bad sign and turns to leave, claiming that he shouldn’t be surprised that you fear him too, though you are both alike. You quickly stop him before he can leave or change form and tell him that’s not true at all. You find him very attractive this way and the complete opposite of what a monster is; beautiful and a true wonder.

Soon a slow song can be heard from the party and looking towards the doors for a quick second, your attention is brought back to Loki when he ask you if you’d care to dance in a gentle voice. You smile softly and you dance the night away with your Jotun partner.