Not true, I am also good at making scrambled eggs. The secret is butter.

I know a good deal about film making. I did my time in film school and I did my time in L.A. and I did more in indie film in other regions. I won’t go into more detail than that because I’m under no obligation to prove any credentials to you.

The flaw in your logic is twofold and my ability is only half of it. The other half is your supposition that if something can be done, it will have already been done by others. This is a colossal fallacy. The reality is pretty much the exact opposite: Everything that remains to be done has not yet happened, ergo all things that have been done were once not-yet-done, and as all these things could be done, it can be assumed that at some point for everything that has and will be done there is a time when it’s possible but not yet accomplished.

Or to put it more simply- You’re a jackass. With your attitude there would be no ambition. Anywhere. Nobody would ever try anything new, ever.

What I plan to do has not yet been done for numerous reasons:

  1. Profitability: It costs almost as much to accomplish what I plan as it will pay off. This is not a sustainable business model for a company, this is the sort of thing that only gets accomplished by eccentric millionaires, and few of those have any interest in revolutionizing projector technology.
  2. Desire: Nobody else wants to do this. Most film makers work with what they’ve been given to work with. They rent a camera and hire a famous actor and do things by the book. If you gave J.J. Abrams the ability to make the next Star Wars in my suggested format, he would not, because it’s unproven and dangerous and inappropriate for a mainstream film.
  3. Nobody Else Knows How: There’s far more to what I’m planning than I’ve addressed in my Valhalla posts on tumblr. There are technological and business concepts that make it all possible that I’m not going to discuss because they’re not yet patented or easily explained. But that’s all frosting on the cake. The cake is, sorry for the immodesty, me.
  4. I Am The Second Coming of Richard Wagner: If you thought I was bragging before, get ready for the truth- I’m that artistic mind that comes along once every 200 years. Books are only the shimmer on the surface of the shell of the monster. You know me for a joke blog that started as a dumping ground for bad jokes that didn’t make my real projects. You can see my drawings and my last film and read my books but the fact is, you haven’t seen anything close to what I’m capable of. But you will.
  5. Because I Will Accomplish What I Claim Or Die Trying: I have no other calling in life. I have no other purpose nor desire than to make movies that will change the cinematic landscape forever. I will never stop. There is no reason for me to ever stop. There is nothing in existence or dream that can stop me from putting every scrap of substance in my being into fulfilling the great ambitions I’ve outlined here before. You think I have a big ego claiming I’m the next Wagner? You have no idea. I can afford such ambition and willpower because I will literally die before I give up. Thus there is no reason to hesitate- The only situation that results in my failure is my death, in which case I won’t be around to care that I failed.

You think the only thing I’m good at is fake facts? Then read the damn book you’re decrying and find out why people keep replying to that post saying “From anyone else this would be hubris by from you I believe it.” They don’t believe me because I’m good at bullshit. They believe me because they’ve seen more of me than you have. They’ve read my books. Some have spoken to me about my plans. And nobody- NOBODY who has seen a hundredth of what I’m capable of has ever doubted that I will change the face of art on Earth.

So yeah, great big ego. Braggart. Blowhard, boaster, narcissist, egomaniacal bastard. Call me every one of them and you’ll be absolutely right. How else could a human being act when they’re planning what I am? Modesty is the worst form of conceit but more than that it’s career suicide. I can’t afford to be modest.

I need people to know what I can do in order to do it.

And here’s the cool thing- You’re helping. You have helped. Greatly. Because you gave me another chance to explain just how important these books I’m selling are. To explain what I plan to do with them. To explain to all who will hear that I am not only capable of doing all I claimed in the post you despised, I am capable of more. I am capable of things that can’t even be suggested today, before you’ve seen firsthand what I can do with cinema. When you don’t even know what I can do with literature.

Why do you think I have a fanbase that defends my works to incomparable extremes? Why do you think people keep commenting on my posts that the books are among the best ever written and everyone needs to read them? It’s because they have some inkling of what I’m able to do given a text program to write in. So they can guess what I’ll do when the books make me a millionaire.

And you’re helping there too. When you see this reply, I want you to know that my next 50 books sold are 100% thanks to your petty message. And I want you to remember when you see my name on the front page of a magazine heralding the next great evolution in the way we experience film that you made it all possible by claiming I “clearly know nothing about filmmaking whatsoever.”

I don’t want that to make you feel bad. I don’t want you to feel bad. Because like everyone else on Earth you’ll read my books someday and you’ll love them. And you’ll smile to yourself when you realize you helped. You’re not mature yet, you don’t know your fate, you won’t believe it here and you won’t understand why I’ve been so kind. It’s because you just don’t know yet-

You’re my biggest fan :)

To the rest of you, like or hate my words above I hope you found them amusing. If you did get a kick out of a reply that I made up as I went along, please try the novels it took me decades to write:

Valhalla and Ragnarök by Ari Bach. Free sample chapters at the links. Book 3 comes out on October 29th.


Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) - Original Version

Director: George Miller

Director of Photography: John Seale

Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1

** Be sure to check back next week for the equally beautiful black and white version of the film. Thank you all for the support! **


‘Donnie Darko’, Richard Kelly (2001)

Dear Roberta Sparrow, 

I have reached the end of your book and there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I’m afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I’m afraid that you’ll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.


‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’, Alfonso Cuarón (2004)